Valentine's Day Suggestions

It has been 2 years since we talked Valentine.  The holiday is coming up again, and -- if an urbanPapa asked for ideas to celebrate with his beloved -- what would you suggest?  An urbanPapa emails:

I have known my lovely, wonderful wife for almost ten years, this means ten years of birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries, and...wait for it....Valentine's Day. Over the years, I have tried to stay away from more routine ideas on these days - giving flowers and chocolates for instance. Coming up with new and unique ways to show my adoration was pretty easy in the early years, became harder once children arrived on the scene, and now I find myself a little tapped out on ideas. So please help me urbanMamas! I need some creative ideas for celebrating Valentine's Day.

C'mon urbanMamas, help an urbanPapa out....

Let's talk about sex ... again!

It's been almost two years since we've boldly brought up the topic of what gets you in the mood, which was soon followed by Sarah's Ten Ways to Help Get Mom in the Mood.  There are lots of suggestions -- from looking through your honeymoon album or listening to your wedding song to getting your partner to bathe/diaper your tyke or folding the laundry.  Even going solo to watch a cheesy romantic movie.

With recent talk about resolutions to spend more quality time with a partner, and - specifically - to be more 'intimate', we got to thinking: what really gets you going?  A clean house?  A clean baby?  Talk about yesteryear?  Talk about the future?

B&B Romance for the urbanParents

What an absolutely lovely idea:

My husband and I are coming up on our 10th wedding anniversary and we'd like to make it more special than the usual dinner out. With young kids and other committments it isn't practical to go too far, but oh, how romantic it would be to spend the night at a local bed and breakfast (instead of returning from a candlelit dinner to the mood-killing sight of legos all over the living room). Can anyone recommend a nice B&B in town? (It doesn't have to be super-upscale.)

Have you lost that lovin' feelin'?

Parenthood, no doubt, has a powerful impact on our relationships with our partners.  How do you keep love alive?

My husband and I have one baby (15 mos) and pretty much since she's been born our sex life has ground to a halt.  We are still very affectionate and snuggly - I know we are both very much in love and delighted about our family - but the, uh, lust that used to be there seems to have just vanished.  I feel perplexed about this and wonder how other parents have dealt with it?  The first few months I chalked it up to lack of sleep and the general haze of new parenthood but that is not really an issue anymore.  We both work full time so I definitely feel more harried, but we could definitely make time any night after 7 or weekend naptime if we made it a priority ... it just seems we don't have the urge.  Or, at least, I don't.  We haven't really talked about it much, except to kind of joke about it, though on pretty much any other subject we're excellent communicators.  I'm beginning to think about it more and I'm starting to wonder if I should talk to my doctor (hormonal changes?) about this, or ... a marriage counselor?  Anyone else had a similar lack of libido after parenthood?

A Time for Us

Every relationship has its ups and downs.  For recurring issues that are never resolve and for learning new approaches to old conflicts, sometimes a third-party can make a world of difference:

I am thinking that the urbanMamas community is the place to come for a good referral for a couples counselor.  My husband and I are still figuring out life as a couple with a kiddo and it's been long enough that I think we're going in circles more than really figuring anything out. So who have you seen? What did you like about them? I'm sure we're not alone in this, but it's such a hard one to talk candidly about (and I'd rather go on recommendation than start in the yellow pages).

Thoughts on Number Three

At date night last Friday, my spouse brought up the topic of number three.  I have to say, I wasn't fully prepared for the discussion.  There is a huge part of my heart that would love to conceive another baby (the fun part!), and I would more-so love carrying another life inside of me and delivering another little bambina/o.  I look less fondly on the ensuing challenges of having baby: postpartum issues, sleep deprivation, nursing, feeding, diapering... 

I have two siblings and my husband has three.  Our family dymanics have been robust and generally happy.  Now that I'm all grown up, I'm happy to have two brothers to call on for occassional back-up childcare or to invite over for Sunday night dinner.  I'm happy to have my husband's siblings, the aunties and uncles who are all beloved and important parts of our girls' lives.  Family affairs when our families gather are rambunctious and overjoyous.  Shall we keep the cycle of our families growing by growing our own nuclear family?

By the time our first daughter was 3, her baby sister was soon to come.  Now that our second daughter is 3.5 (!!!!), I get to thinking, "Should we?  Could we?"  The past few days, I have looked at our younger daughter with a few ounces of wistfulness and nostalgia.  Her days of babyhood are now years behind us.  Our little Tati is 3.5 years old going on 35: she looks like a little woman, a dalagita as they say in my parents' language.

Granted, having a baby just to prolong the sweet smell of baby in the household isn't reason enough to go for three.  Tati's best friend, who almost 3 years old, is expecting a baby sister within weeks.  Tati has come home saying, "I want to be a big sister."  I'm having a hard time coming up with a way to respond to her.

Have you decided?  Do your Thoughts on Number Two also apply to your Thoughts on Number Three?

Kaiser Marriage Counselor

Starting the new year off right, here is a request for recommendations of Kaiser therapists who specialize in marriage/couples counseling:

Does anyone have experience with marital or couples counselors in the Kaiser system? I'd be interested in hearing about both positive and negative experiences, in order to know whom to try but also whom to avoid.

KISS: Keep it Sweet, Silly

Mamas. It is hard enough keeping stuff clean and keeping people fed. Diapers changed and laundry folded. But, how in the heck are we supposed to keep it all sweet, too? Many of us are in long-term relationships. How do we keep that fire burning? That yearning going?

Swap it up. Find a family with little one(s) who get on well with your litte one(s). Even a couple of hours, spent sharing some wine over a candle or something similarly saucy, can help reinvigorate. In the meantime, know that the little one(s) are having a fun playdate with your friend's little one(s). Everyone wins!

Keep it regular. Don't let it fall by the wayside! Do an outing on a regular basis, be it every month, every other week, or every even-numbered month of the year.

Take turns. So, the game is: you organize the outing and the childcare this time, then your partner organizes the outing and the childcare for the next time. Repeat. Again and again.

Short is sweet, too. Recently, we asked someone (gratis) to spend an hour reading to our girls at the Powell's down in the Pearl. Sure, it was to give us time to go to back-to-school night, but it proved to be so easy that we could/should do it again. Next time, we'll go to Vino Paradiso for a flight (or two).

Tell us, uMamas, what is the secret to your marital success??

let's talk about [looks over her shoulder and whispers] sex?

Hey, we're all friends here, right? I got together today with a SE Portland mama who'd written a funny and sweet essay published in the New York Times' "Modern Love" column. Lainie doesn't exactly love the idea that her name might forever be connected with the most juicy part of our lives as parents, spouses, and human beings. But she was a great sport as we whispered through our discussion at Papaccino's.

I'm writing a piece for AOL on the ways moms get in the mood. For Lainie, it's those cheesy romantic movies. They allow her to take a step back from the chaos of life as a mother and remember why she fell in love with her own Prince Charming. For me, it can be a variety of things from a long shower in a clean bathroom to a night out with the mamas. All assuming, of course, the boys are sleeping when I get done.

I wondered if any of you might share with me ... and all of us ... what it is for you. Feel free to post anonymously or email me outside of the blog if you're a bit shy. I won't use your names in my piece (unless you'd rather ;) - I'm looking for more informal statistics to support my thesis.

"We Like To Dig"

I classified this post under "Love & Marriage", because Matt and I where having some "discussions" about how I wanted us to work harder on getting the back yard ready for the summer.  The looming project was to dig out the grass from around the deck to put in a path that will lead to a future sandbox and raised garden bed.  With a 2 yo and a 7 month old prancing/rolling around, this project was too big.  I decided to suck it up/take stress off of us, and put a posting on Craigslist to solicit some help.

This guy calls - at 6am.. and says he and his twin brother "like to dig."  Well, ok - so they come over the next day and they just get started.  These guys where great, they where prompt, worked their fannies off, friendly, knowledgeable, where always up front about how doing this or that may affect the cost.    They charge $15/hour per brother - $30 total/hour.  There is a leap of faith involved as they are not yet bonded, licensed or insured.  They are apparently working on this as they are starting their own company.  I thought I would share their names and number because we where so pleased with them.

Erik and Peter Elder 503-957-9648 

New Portland Find

A movie with babysitting?  Thanks to Ann for sending us this tidbit:

My husband and I just checked out a new theater in our neighborhood http://www.academytheaterpdx.com/.  It is a 3 dollar theater with Flying Pie pizza (best pizza in town if you like lots of meat) and will be serving beer soon.  What makes this theater so great is that they have babysitting. I checked out the baby space and it's nice.  We went to a 5 pm movie and the babysitting area was full, so make sure you call to make a reservation for your child.  Happy date night without scrambling to find a babysitter!

Babysitting at the theater?  How novel!  Cost is $5 per child for the first two children, $3 for each additional sibling.  Sitting is available Wednesday through Saturday, from 4pm to 7pm, and for children ages six months to seven years.  NO drop-ins!  So be sure to reserve: (503) 252-1705 or email beforehand.  Movies actually seem to be a great selection of recent Oscar nominees.

Calling All Foodies

Wendy is new to Portland and needs some suggestions for date night.  Can you help?

The husband and I are planning a night out away from the kiddo for the first time in six weeks - really. I'm sure everyone can empathize how well you usually need to research and plan date nights when they come so infrequently. Anyway, my question: If you and your significant other were turned loose on Alberta or thereabouts with $80 or so in your pocket - where would you go for dinner, drinks; etc? Any recommendations are appreciated - we don't want to waste our one night out on somewhere not interesting.

OH VALENTINE

Next Tuesday is Valentine's Day. Did you know this? It always creeps up on me. What are hubby and I doing? Oh, well, pretty much what we do every Tuesday night. Do I mind? Not at all. Are we giving each other presents? Mmm, no. At least, not that I am aware of (he has been known to break our No Gift agreements). Do I even care about Valentine's Day this year? No, honestly, not at all.

My husband and I have been together since 1993. We're going on 13 years together this year, and yes, I really do love him more each day (ick, I know, but it's true). In these almost-13 years we've spent many a Valentine's Day doing all of the couple requirements: fancy dress up dinners, roses, concerts, jewelry, picnics, elaborate gourmet homemade meals, sentimental cards. And now...I'm feeling kind of "done" with V-Day.

For me, it's a day for singles or newer couples to get together and their chance to profess their love. I think it's my responsibility and my husband's to profess our love every day, not just a random Tuesday during a very busy week when we may not necessarily have the funds for dinner at (insert insanely expensive restaurant here), when we don't have the energy to find a babysitter, or the energy to think of a creative V-Day celebration instead of dinner. We do go out to fancy dinners and get each other sweet gifts and remind each other how lucky we are to have found each other and go on crazy fun adventures on the spur of the moment together -- just not on a day predetermined by Hallmark.

Will you and your significant other celebrate Valentine's Day? If so, what are your plans? Is it a big deal in your house? Do you have fun ways to incorporate your kids into the day? Are you a huge Valentine's Day fan and think I'm nuts for not caring about this day?

When Two is Enough, Part II: it ain't all that.

Previously in this series, we talked about the too many choices involved with our decision to curb production.  We decided on the copper IUD, aka "Paraguard".  Just wanted to let you know how it's been going for the past 7-1/2 weeks since insertion.  Contrary to studies showing 1) tons of immense pain upon insertion for a few days and 2) subsequent earth-shattering monthly periods, I have had neither.  Nope.  None.  No pain upon insertion.  Maybe a twinge here and there by a uterus wondering about the new foreign object in it, but no screaming or major complaining.  And, the previous time I had the hormonal IUD (aka "Mirena") inserted, I did have aforementioned immense pain upon insertion.  Maybe this is why no insertion pain this time?  Also, just finished up my first period on the Paraguard and it was fine.  Usual variety of PMS, nothing out-of-the-world.  The flow itself was extremely, extremely abundant.  Perhaps that is the unusual thing.  I have always been a low-flower, but this Paraguard period was something else.  I was flowing buckets.  The weird thing is, there was very little uterine discomfort.  It was strange to have all that flow without accompanying cramping.

Anyway, I feel lucky.  I think this is the start of a beautiful relationship.

Also, since I sometimes have nightmares of this, I thought I'd link a recent Q&A on oregonlive's Ask the Midwife about an IUD Pregnancy.

Portland mamas are getting published!

Portland mamas are making their literary mark! Lainie Keslin Ettinger's hilarious essay about how sappy romantic comedies are her "porn" appears in today's New York Times Modern Love column. Margaret Foley (co-founder of the new zine Thereby Hanges a Tale) writes for the Christian Science Monitor about about why her family vacation to Montreal was spent mostly in the ice rink.

Balancing Act

A friend and I were talking yesterday about balance.  The conversation was started because a friend of hers recieved a grant for her work as an MD.  In accepting the grant, this busy mama of 3  is to do research or writing on how to balance work, marriage, kids, etc.  So, what is balance?  Does someone appear to be balanced because they manage to keep everything together?  Or, is it because they are able to do things for themselves.  I guess for me, life would be balanced if my family and I were able to do things together as a family, keep the house in presentable shape, manage to get the trash out on Mondays, and Jason and I would each be able to do things for ourselves.  Some running, biking, a haircut more than 2x/year, etc. you get the picture.  Additionally, we need to do things together without the little man who constantly craves mama and papa time. 

Right now, life seems pretty unbalanced; I'm in school, working nights and being a mama.  Jason is working full time, studying for the Bar and being a papa.  We tend to play tag team on the weekends so that we both have the study and/or sleep time we need.  We have yet to find a regular babysitter (who has time to look for one) and barely have time to look into any of the work that we would like to have done in the house.  I can barely keep up with the wash and am forever putting away folded clothes.  It all seems a bit crazed; but, who doesn't have a crazy schedule these days? 

What about the rest of you busy mamas?  Do you feel like life is balanced?  How do you define balance?  How do you achieve balance?  I'd love to hear how other people are doing.

Be Thankful and Prepared

Recently, I got a call at work from my husband.  It went something like this:

Husband:  "Hi. I'm in urgent care.  My headache hasn't gone away, I'm waiting for a CAT scan.  I've been here since 2 pm.  Can you pick up the kids?  You might want to call the sitter. I've gotta go."

Me: "Um, sure.  It's a quarter to five.  It's going to take me an hour.  Have you called the sitter?"

Husband: "I haven't had a chance. Can you?  I've gotta go."

Whaa?  The phone call caught me completely by surprise since (a) I usually don't get very many calls from my husband at work (b) we have not yet encountered a bind where I absolutely needed to pick up the kids (c) I only got enough information for all sorts of crazy scenarios to go through my head.

In the end everything turned out fine.  The diagnosis wasn't conclusive but something to the effect that he probably caught a virus and the side effect was a head-splitting migraine that left him unable to function normally for at least a couple of days.  However, for me, this was a good time to reassess our ability to deal with the impact of these worst-case scenarios.  When you're young, healthy, and financially stable you barely give thought to thing ever going wrong in life.  You start thinking about it more when you have kids.  And, then you really think about it when a situation scares you into more thoughtful consideration.

In my head, I made a mental note to check my husband's life insurance policy.  I have one for myself for enough to probably cover our mortgage, but that's it.  So, I googled to figure out how much insurance we would need. The results are dizzying.  According to a simple lookup table of just income replacement, my current insurance coverage probably would not be sufficient if something were to happen to me.  My husband's coverage would also need significant readjustment.  As a family, we do need to make the time to talk seriously about planning for life insurance. 

As I was chatting about this with a mama friend, she suggested also putting together a will.  So I mentioned this to my husband.  He thought this was a good idea.  "Sure.  Can you search for a form on the Internet?" he replied.  Yes, that's right.  That's what my lawyer advised!  There are plenty of documents that you can find or buy on the Internet to plan out your will and file with the local courts.  So, for those who have gone through both processes, it would so nice to hear from you, to see what's worked best for your families.

What do you do when two is enough?

About a year after our second child was born,  we started thinking in earnest about birth control.  I'll be honest: we were never good at addressing birth control.  We didn't have any real good "method".  The array of hormone-based options out there right now is pretty expansive: Depo-Provera - the injection every 12 weeks; Norplant - the surgically inserted progestin lasting 5 years; Ortho-Evra - the weekly patch; The Pill - the daily dose of hormone ; and Mini-Pill / POP (Progesterone Only Pill) - apparently suitable for nursing moms.  Despite all these options, there was one thing I knew for sure - I didn't want to do the hormone thing.

So, then there are the barriers: Diaphragm, Cervical Cap, the Sponge.  Condoms, of course, are condoms.  Cumbersome and inconvenient.

Then, there was one other thing I had always heard about but never thought too hard about: the IUD.  There are two IUDs: a hormonal IUD called "Mirena" and a copper IUD called "Paraguard".  I was intrigued.  My doctor walked me through the IUD process.  Insertion was relatively easy, but the uterus usually responds angrily with the insertion of a foreign object.  So, "expect really, really bad cramps for a day or two after insertion," she said.  With Mirena (the hormonal one), users tended to have fewer and lighter periods.  WIth the Paraguard (the copper one), users tended to have more intense periods.

Well, if I couldn't persuade my husband to do the *snip-snip* (and since we weren't even sure if we were really done), I decided to give the IUDs a try.  It sounded great.  Worry-free sex!  Leave it in for 5 (the hormonal Mirena) or 10 (the copper Paraguard) years!  I was so very apprehensive about the low levels of hormone that the Mirena emits in the uterus, but my doctor convinced me that the levels were so low and trasmitted very locally (and not systemically like the Pill, Depo, etc).  So, I chose the Mirena, also because of the period-supression.  Worry-free sex AND a period-free life!  Sounded too good to be true.

I guess it was too good to be true.  After about six months, my body started changing in very small ways.  If I wasn't so hyper-sensitive, I may not have noticed.  I had a dull pain in my lower back and I felt ever-so-slightly bloated everywhere.  One night, I googled the heck out of "Mirena side effects weight gain" and found several message boards where women talked about Mirena's negative side effects.  I think Mirena has few and far between negative effects, but some women did experience similar things that I was experiencing.  So, the next morning, I made a quick appointment to get the thing out.  It was easy.

That was about 4 months ago, and we've been practicing our haphazard birth control.  And, I am finally going to bite the bullet and try the Paraguard.  I know, I know.  They say you get earth-shattering, god-awful periods.  But, everyone is different.  They said I'd love the Mirena.  And, I didn't.  So, I'll try it.  I always said I'd be willing to try everything once.  My appointment is Monday.

Finally, I leave you with some insight given to me via email from a [male] OB-GYN friend:

The Ortho-Evra patch is a great invention.  It's probably the most commonly prescribed birth control these days - it's taking over the pill.  It works just like the pill in terms of hormones, and the advantage is that you only have to change the patch once a week.  Yes, once a week.  It stays on your skin, surprisingly, despite taking baths, swimming, etc.  You put it on once a week for 3 weeks and the 4th week is patch free (when you have your period - like the placebo week of the birth control pills).  The side effects are similar to the pill - some breast tenderness, a bit of nausea (yet less than the pills), but NOT weight gain.  Also, because it's a patch, the most common side effect is local redness where the patch is placed.  Overall, women LOVE this because of the ease of use.

The IUD (intrauterine device) is quite good as well.  This is for monogamous ladies who want longer acting contraception.  There is a 10-year IUD (Paraguard) and the 5-year IUD (Mirena). Basically it's placed into the uterus, an office procedure, and there's little pain involved and it's quick.  The advantage of this is that it provides over 99% protection from pregnancy without needing to take a pill, a shot, etc.  It's low maintenance.  The side effects of the Paraguard IUD is that the periods can initially be longer than usual and this may last for many months.  Also there may be a clear discharge from the vagina - many women love this as well.  The Mirena IUD is a bit different - not only because it lasts 5 years but it's actual realeases hormones, progesterone-type, in the uterus.  (vs. Paraguard which is made of copper) This only acts on the uterus and has very minimal effect on the blood - essentially none.  Women love this because after one year of use, your period decreases by 80-90%.  Yes, I said 80-90%.  Some women even stop having their periods.  We use this device for women who are bleeding too much and don't want surgery.  Anyways, those who WANT a period will not like these "side effects" of Mirena.  Most people don't want their period.

Both are great.  If you're looking for something longer term, easily reversible (can just pull the IUD out and there's no delay in trying to get pregnant) and low maintenance then the IUD is a great way. But it's all preference.