Political leanings: Do your kids follow you?

I've been buzzing about this week doing things with the Hillary Clinton campaign, and as Jonathan's out of town, I've been toting the boys with me. On Monday, we sat outside the campaign headquarters on our bike as they took a picture of us, holding Hillary signs. "I'm for Obama!" shouted Everett. I fought the urge to "shush" him -- he's for Obama because his daddy has given him several inspiring little campaign speeches.

Tomorrow, I'll be taking them to the big Mama Stroller-toting Rally for Hillary (more details on Activistas), and hopefully talking some sense into them beforehand. I'm not going to try to convince them that Hillary's their candidate, I'm just going to try to keep them from yelling "Barack... Obama!" in front of one of the politerati gathered for the event (I'm excited to see that Betty Roberts will be there).
When I was writing a bio for a piece on MOMocrats, I remembered how I was the only one in my class to "vote" for Reagan, and how much my parents' views influenced me.

Do you teach your kids to love the politician you favor? If you, too, have a divided household, do the kids agree with mama or papa? Or do you agree with the old adage, that neither politics nor religion should be discussed at dinner (or playtime)?

What are challenges as a single parent?

In recognizing the diversity of urbanMamas, we know that we are not all partnered parents.  There are distinct challenges - emotionally, financially, logistically - to solo parenting.  We recently received an email from a mama wanting to discuss more and connect with other single parents:

I am looking to meet other progressive mamas who are parenting without partners at least part time. I'm going through a separation and feel like a sudden outsider in my mostly nuclear, hetero, married world. I would love to meet other mamas, gay, straight, or otherwise, who want to connect around the challenges of parenting solo.  What are the challenges you face? I find, for example, that it's hard to overcome the collective inertia to get out and do things when it's just myself and my child. Families don't seem to invite us out as much. I'm also feeling guilty about the pleasures of having some actual--gasp--time to myself each week. I'd love to hear what you have done to honor your needs and feel good as a mom who is not with-child-every-minute.

Are you interested in getting together sometime to discuss these issues of single parenting?

Does having one save our planet?

Today's Oregonian featured "Enivornmental Moms Stop at One Child", highlighting the decision of a family to have one child as an environmental decision.  For sure we all have made our own decisions for our families.  We've talked about thoughts on number two and even more specific thoughts on number three.  Did the environmental impact of another child come into play in your decision in having one, two, three or more children?

What's in a Name?

Seven and a half years ago when I got married I didn't think twice about my impending name change. It seemed that is just what happens when a gal gets hitched. Of course it is not uncommon for a wife to keep her maiden name, but the more wives I met the more variations and combinations of names I heard including a man taking his wife's surname. Now add an offspring and the possibilities multiply. Suzanne is in one such conundrum:

My spouse and I have different last names. Child #1, who happens to be a boy, got a first name, my last name as his middle name, and dad's last name as his surname.

Now child # 2 is on the way (girl), and I'm thinking that I'd like her name situation to be first name, then dad's last name as her middle, and my last name as surname.

I don't think anyone would care one way or another except us and of course, dealing with flack from grandparents. however, I was curious as to other people's experiences with alternating last names of the kids.

On In-Laws: How do you fare?

In general, I think we have it very good.  My family and my husband's family have vacationed together.  More than once.  And, we'll do it again in December.

Still, his family has a different groove from my nuclear family, and my family has a different groove from his.  Sometimes I'm stuck feeling like my in-laws are so different from me; I occassionally fear that they judge me negatively for parenting the way that I do.  With my own parents, I know they respect and support me and my child-rearing decisions.  Most recently, we have tried to be more explicit about expectations when it comes to our parents' involvement, trying to be clear about who is visiting when, when we go to NY or SF, being fair about trying to split the time so no one's family has the shorter end of the stick.  But, these things are hard!

If you're partnered, how do you fare with dealing with your in-laws?  How does your partner fare with dealing with his/her in-laws (i.e., your family)?  Are there things about your in-laws that drive you mad?  Are there things about your family that drives your partner mad?  Are you able to discuss these feelings?  Have any tricks to share on how to approach the topic?

Pets and Kids

My daughter asked the other day: "Can we get a dog?"  My husband, who grew up with a German Shepherd/Alaskan Husky, said "Yeah!  Let's get a dog!"  He was excited.  Our other daughter said, "I don't like dogs."  I was silent on the issue.  Then she said, "Well, what about a hamster?"

Um, not sure.

Do you have a pet at home?  Dog(s), cat(s), guinea pig(s), fish(es), chickens, lizard (I had a chameleon growing up), rabbit (I also had a bunny for a few years), birds (also had parakeets for about a year), other pet family members?  Did you have a pet pre-child?  What is the household like with kids and pets?  Did you consider having family pet(s) but ultimately decide not to adopt a pet?  What are factors to keep in mind when considering growing the family to include pets?

And what about the dads?

Thank you, Tracy, for beating us to the punch, for we were going start a conversation along the same vein.

In amongst all the angst of the "Do you stay at home?  Why or why not?" question, there was not a lot of talk about dads.  Sorry for the fact that this question assumes a dad is present as I know it won't relate to everyone, but what is the role of dad in your home?  How do you divide work?  How do you think dad and mom relationships differ with the children?  How do the dads feel about their role and would they want it to be different?  Do moms want dad's role to be different?  Very curious about this....

We know that the vast majority of people who read this site are, in fact, mamas.  We also know, however, that there are quite a few papas out there that read regularly and comment oh-so very infrequently.  We appreciate you papas treading lightly and allowing the conversation to ensue.  But, we are also interested in bringing papas deeper into the fold.  We would love to hear from you, too.  We realize that not every family has a papa.  Still, we want to ask mamas and papas alike: What is papa's role in your household?  What would you like to see different?  What would you never change?

Considering adoption?

Growing one's family can come in so many different forms, which includes considering adoption.  Have other parents strongly considered and gone through with adoption?  What about some of the "issues" that may go along with adoption?

About a year ago I posted a comment about whether or not to have a second baby. A year later we are still dealing with this issue. Our little girl is two-and-a-half, and lovely and funny and almost perfect (though sometimes tantrums get in the way of a "perfect score" :-) So here we are...watching our friends have their second kids.  Do we want more--yes, I'm almost sure we've decided that--but do we need to make them ourselves?  While I long to have another baby growing in my tummy, am I being selfish when there are kids needing homes?  Am I selfish for only wanting an infant and not an older child who really needs a loving home.  Do I want to adopt internationally, or go domestically?  Can I bring home a multi-racial baby and guarantee him or her a happy home free of the injustices in the world.  Will having a white family be a detriment to their well-being?  My husband would rather have our own baby, but I'm torn about making the correct "social" choice.  Have any of the other urbanMamas felt this way?

The challenges for Mom & Stepmom

We have seen it go both ways.  Some remarried parents have beautiful relationships with their ex's and their ex's new partners.  We have known some families of ex-husbands and ex-wives who even vacation together with their new families.   We have seen the other side as well: ex's unable to speak civilly to the other or, when they speak, it's all out warfare.

Crystal is looking for your thoughts and advice on how to best deal with her stepson's mother:

Being part of a blended family can be challenging, but the relationships it brings with ex's can be down right miserable. I have been both the stepmother and the mom of a child with a stepmother ... In other words I've been on both sides.

I've been married to my wonderful husband for almost a year. I brought two children into the marriage and he brought one.  I have been respectful to my stepson's mother from the beginning.  She is remarried and has another child with her current husband, yet she continues to be a royal pain in the *** everytime we are in close proximity.  She won't talk to me or even look at me and goes out of her way to be rude, disrespectful, controlling, difficult, etc.

What can I do? I know the boundaries being a stepmom entails and am careful not to overstep my place. I also know what a relationship CAN be with a mom/stepmom.  It doesn't have to be hell.  How do I change it though?  The hostility from her is affecting all of us  - primarily my stepson and I am tired of it.

Have you experience or suggestions to share?

When Mama ain't happy...

I don't think anyone here will disagree with me when I say that parenting is an incredible joy.  We love these little people so much and they do so many things that make us proud.  But there is another side to that coin.  A neighbor of mine once shared this wisdom about parenting:  "They will make you feel all of your emotions stronger than you ever knew you could."  Among those emotions?  Anger.

It's a very visceral emotion, and it arises without much warning or forethought.  And it's really, really difficult for me to process these emotions, especially in confrontation with my child.  Things can go many ways but the end is never very pretty.  And neither one of us feels good about it.  I know this is difficult to talk about, but I also know I am not alone.  Another mother wrote to us:

I feel like I am in kind of a dark place in terms of parenting. I have caught myself in behaviors where I am yelling, really yelling, at my child. This might include throwing things (coats/cereal bowls etc) this might be spurned on by me asking my child to clear the cereal bowl or to brush his teeth. And when it doesn't happen my hot point is right there. Although I have not hit my child I can imagine how parents do it. I don't think I would hit my child. But I am not ok with where I am finding myself in terms of my temper and lack of patience.

I have several stress points in my life that are not negotiable; I am raising my son alone and don't have lots of support. My son has recently been on/off medication that amps him up- and in turn really stresses me out with his behavior. So I need to find some solutions within those constraints. To me this is not a conversation about being single. I am looking to other moms who also find themselves short-fused, short-tempered, and parenting in a way that that they are not happy with.

What do you do- how do you manage the anger & stress and get to a better place with your kids?

I think that, for me, it was very important for me to step back and realize that I had these feelings and frustrations, not only with the situation but with myself.  I wasn't happy with my own behavior... so I had to ask how I could change it.

Now, I'm not a single mother, but I am currently the single caregiver to my two kids (with much support from two grannies until daddy comes home).  I can't imagine how much more difficult it would be without their support.  Add to that some behavioral issues my 4.5 year old is having at school, and life is not getting any easier day to day.  After some looking around and reading up, I have turned to the Love and Logic approach.  Today is day 5 and I'm trying not to let myself relax back into my old ways (and this morning - it was really, really tough!).  But reading the philosophies helped me realize that there was a power struggle going on, and that my son needed to have control over SOME things in his life, or he'd be constantly trying to control everything.  That cycle had to stop.  That's where Love and Logic came in for us.

Have any of you Mamas or Papas had some wild success breaking the power struggle?  I, for one, felt very freed, and much happier with my child when we weren't angry at each other all the time.  How is a mama to get past the anger and become a happy Mama again.  What other techniques have worked besides just a parenting philosophy?  Sleep, diet, exercise?  I'd love to hear what other parents are doing to manage stress and anger.

It's Fat Tuesday! Are you (and your family) giving something up for Lent?

I suddenly realized yesterday that Wednesday -- that's tomorrow!! -- is the beginning of Lent. I'm an Episcopalian by marriage, and my favorite part of the faith that's different from my Baptist roots is Lent. The concept of sacrificing something in concert with millions of others is a ritual that feels right in my bones.

Since I've recently joined the 'eat local' movement, I've been eliminating processed, industrial foods from my family's diet. One exception (of several) I've made up until now has been sugar -- though I've sworn off packaged cookies and candies and the like, I've been buying pound after pound of organic sugar and baking it into all kinds of high-glycemic goodies. I think that I'm giving up sugar (but not honey, as it's local and thoroughly part of nature) for Lent.

The problem with me giving up sugar is that, as chief baker for a houseful I've dragged along on mission: eat local, I'm forcing the rest of my family to give it up, too. Forced religion or good mojo? I can't decide. Are you giving up anything for Lent? Is your family, too, an unwilling participant in your sacrifice?

Grieving the Loss of a Pet

Our condolences go out to Debby as she navigates helping explain the loss of her dear cat to her daughter.  Can you help her with explaining this serious topic to her daughter? She writes:

This Thanksgiving morning, unfortunately, was spent in my friends' back yard, with a ceremony to say goodbye to my beloved friend and companion of 11 years, my dear 18 year old cat Heidi. She was 7 when I adopted her and was a pure joy in my life, in the life of my other 3 cats, and most recently, my 2.3 year old daughter grew to adore her. Every morning, she would wake up and say, "where is Heidi? I want to see her!" So when she became blind last month, I had to take a step back and examine the quality of her life. She did not seem able to hear, and her runny nose, which was a constant over the past few years, seemed to hinder her sense of smell. She bumped into things, and I had to place small litter boxes all over the downstairs so she could find them and not have accidents, which she still did. Through all this, my daughter loved on her, kissed her, and generally harassed her, but cared for her deeply.

Time-Saving Tips: Got Any?

Jess recently posted this comment over at our Exchange forum.  We liked it so much that we thought that we would share it with the rest of you.  She shares her 7 top time-saving tips to make life more sane.  How about you?:

I have only been in the dual working parent trap--I mean situation--for the past two months. Previously, my wonderhubby worked nights, took a nap in the morning, and spent his afternoon cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. For a decade I came home every night to a home-cooked meal and freshly laundered clothing (neatly put away, of course).

Now that we are both working outside the home during the day my life looks a lot--worse. I mean different. Here are a few time saving tips I learned over the past two months:

1) Make a double batch of "crockpot" food on the weekends. One meal for Saturday night. Another for a weekday night: Wednesday, say.

2) Don't make the beds. I have completely let go of the idea of making the bed everyday. That definitely saves time, even though my grandmother would be appalled.

3) Go grocery shopping on-line.  Saves a good 30 minutes right there.

4) Pay bills on-line.  The first time is the scariest.

Family Politics: When Partners Don't Agree

Sometimes, every once in a great while, urban Mamas & their partners don't see eye to eye (say it isn't so!).  As we shared recently, we have some seriously different approaches to discipline.  So what about political differences?  You're a bleeding heart liberal and s/he's a libertarian.  What's the political landscape in your house?  How do you handle key differences?  Heated discussions?  Avoid hot-button topics like the plague?  Read more about it & share your tips from the trenches on Activistas.

Discipline and the co-parent: When do you discuss?

I just came upstairs from our family living room, seething at the way my husband had just asked Everett to do something. The something was fine, it was the communication. I have a better way! I wanted to shout. But our house is small, and we've been working on keeping our arguments away from the children. Now I'm fidgety and anxious, waiting to tell him how I wish he'd handled the situation.

But when is a good time to hammer out this discipline stuff? I know there won't be time tonight between finishing work, dinner, bedtime, nursing, me falling exhausted into bed. We famously once spent a couple of hours of our "date night" heatedly discussing how whose method was wronger at a hotspot, only stopping when another patron asked us to. We were creating a negative vibe in the whole restaurant, he said! (We apologized and ended up becoming friends.) Besides, date nights or even couples counselling appointments are far too few and far between to save up all the little things.

When sleep deprivation is setting in (what with a little baby and a full-time job), how do you carve out time to get to some common ground with the little issues of co-parenting? How do you negotiate these disagreements without causing a rift in your family fabric?

Is it back to normal?

The summer can feel a bit uncontrolled, and that can be a challenge for some of us who can really thrive on consistency.  With new camps each week or piece-meal daycare to cover days when I could not work from home, the schedule was harried and days were looooooong.

The last stretch of the summer and first weeks of September are a real blur for us.  From HTC to a week-long trip to see family back in New York, we launched ourselves right into the new school year, with just a few moments to spare.  No rest for the weary! 

Our two girls are now basically situated in their schools ans school routines, and I feel like I can come up for a bit of air. I have been able to take a sigh and deep breath in the past few days at 8:45am, or sometimes earlier, depending on how early we make it to each of their schools. 

Now that school has started and the jitters may be a little bit behind us, has your household settled into a new rhythm?  Does it feel more balanced or more "back to normal"?  Inquiring mamas want to know!

Blood - is it thicker than water?

Our family is bi-coastal.  My husband's family in New York, my own family in San Francisco.  When we lived back east, my inlaws were 3 hours away and my parents were across the country.  When they would visit, we were torn between exploiting the free babysitting and spending quality time.

When I grew up, it definitely took a village.  I was surrounded by cousins, aunties, uncles, and three grandparents.  My mother would drop me off, my aunt would pick me up and leave me at my grandmother's until my father picked me up later.  I would hang out and play with cousins.  Aunts and uncles would float in and out of my grandmother's house, picking up my cousins and often staying for dinner.  The place always smelled of vats of my lola's home-cooked Filipino food.

Fast foward to my girls and their growing-up experience.  Daily interaction with extended family is nil.  We have created our own "family" here in Portland, but there is still something to be said of family, of whom you could ask almost anything.  At 4 o'clock one afternoon, when you are held up somewhere, could you ask a relative to please, please see if s/he can drop everything to pick up your child from school?  Could you ask your brother to babysit the kids while you run Hood-to-Coast, perhaps?  Or could you ask your sister to watch the kids so you could steal away for some much needed adult time?  Or leave the kids with your parents for an even longer weekend for an adult mini-getaway?

We've been parents for almost seven years, and - for the most part - we haven't had family close enough for those last-minute regular requests for assistances with the crazy juggle of parenthood.  Two years ago, though, my two brothers moved to Portland.  Single, in their 20s, and very bachelor-minded, it's been hard to pin them down and make these special familial requests.  They're in the SE and we rarely see them.  But, they're all we have here in Portland when it comes to family, in the strictest sense.

Now that my parents and my parents-in-law are approaching retirement, we get to thinking about other families we know here in Portland whose parents have moved to Portland to be closer to their grandchildren.  So, I'm curious: do you have extended family nearby or here in Portland?  Is it helpful for you and your kids?  Do they share in childcare?  Is it more of a nuisance?  Do you see them often or hardly at all?

Kid's Sick - Who Stays Home?

Just as the Activistas were discussing: Papas & The FMLS - Is anyone using it?  A University of Cincinnati study recently released and looked at dual-working parent families: Who puts family first when a child is sick?  Their data "finds a large gender disparity in providing urgent child care, with 77.7 percent of women taking time off from work and 26.5 percent of men reporting that they attend to child-care needs".

If you and your partner both work, how do you decide who stays home with a sick child?  How does your workplace treat you're child's sickness & your need to stay home?  As a single parent, have you found emergency back-up care that works?  What do you do as a working parent when your child is sick?

The New "Normal" - a post-separation family

Jason and I have been separated since January. We have had our ups and downs; but, have been able to keep Jackson largely unaware of our challenging moments. Things have been on a fairly even keel for the past few months and we seem to be getting a handle on the idea of co-parenting. In fact, we are comfortable with being around each other at the same gatherings and will even make a point of going to a gathering on our "off" night in order to have some additional time with Jackson.

Jackson let us know that this wasn't working all that well for him. The last time I attended a gathering when it wasn't a mama-night, Jackson told his dad that it was too sad for him to see me when it was a papa night because he did not like having to say goodbye to me and would have preferred to just play with his friends. I talked to Jackson about it a couple of days later and he said it was just too hard to not be able to stay with someone that he loved. We are so fortunate that he is so articulate and able to convey his feelings so well. I was heart broken; but, it isn't about me. Most of all, it hurts me to see that his dad and I have done something that has rocked his world to its core and are unable to "fix it" for him. I just want to take the hurt away from his little 4 1/2 year old heart.

So, a multifamily camping trip is coming up and it is not on a mama weekend. Jason and I have discussed it and decided that we are comfortable with both of us going. Obviously, we are going to talk to Jackson about it and make sure that he gives the idea the thumbs up. I am hoping that the idea of a whole weekend together, and not just a 2 hour drop-by, will make the difference to Jackson; but, I certainly don't claim to be able to read his mind. And, I don't want it to make it confusing (ie. Does this mean that mama and papa are going to live in one house again?).

I am wondering if anyone has experience with the post-separation family and how things worked for her/his family. Is anyone else going through these kinds of transitions? I'd love to hear about other separation/co-parenting experiences.

We're going to grandma's!

I remember when I was a kid, I'd beg my parents to let me stay at my cousin's house for the weekend.  The first night was so fun - we'd stay up all night, set up sleeping bags in the living room, watch movies.  By the second night, though, I'd miss my bed, my own pajamas, my room, and my parents.  I'd get homesick, even on just the second night.

When I was ten, my parents decided it would be a wonderful life experience for me and my brothers to spend the summer - three months - in the Philippines.  We rotated houses, staying with my grandmother and a myriad of aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I definitely thought it was novel, since I convinced my aunt that I was allowed to have ice cream sundaes every day.  But, after the first week, I was homesick.  And, I had several, several weeks to go.  My two brothers were 6 years old and 4 years old that summer.

When we came home, finally, my mother gave us each the hug of all hugs.  She clung to us like she'd never let us go.  She told us, "We will never, ever, ever leave you for that long again.  Ever."

Our girls are lucky enough for have four grandparents - my parents and my husband's parents.  For a long while now, they have been trying to finagle a way to get the girls to spend a week in San Francisco (with my parents) or in New York (with my husband's parents).  The girls and I have spent only a few instances apart.  Just a handful, really.  I didn't spend a night away from either of them until they were each three years old, at least.

Maybe it I am the one who is having a hard time being OK with the time apart.  But, I do think that the time apart may be more challenging than they may think.  Have you had your child(ren) go away and spend time at the grandparents' or with other family?  How has it been?  Have you loved the time apart or hated it?

A time in need

Loss, especially unexpected loss, can be a very difficult time for families.  Jesse has previously recounted an experience of Mama Grief and we have also had a discussion on helping children deal with death.  An urbanMama just emailed us and is seeking some tips or recommendations as soon as possible:

A few days ago my father, who was a central figure in both my and my 2-year-old daughter's life, died unexpectedly of a heart attack. I am devastated. I am trying to hold it together for my daughter, but I need help. I am looking for some sort of grief support group or therapist who might specialize in this sort of thing, preferably in NE Portland. I'm also looking for ways to talk to my daughter about this. My father was the central family member in her life and she adores him.

Unconditional Parenting Workshop

There have been a few discussions and requests on parenting classes as well as some discussion on "discipline" styles, choices, and other issues. Alfie Kohn, the author of eleven books on education, parenting, and human behavior, is having a workshop in Portland on July 24th on "Unconditional Parenting." Here is a description of the event as well as information on how to register:

UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING: Beyond Bribes and Threats

Tuesday, July 24th 6:30 - 8:30pm

Holiday Inn Portland, NE 2nd Ave. Portland, OR 97232

Advice for raising children typically comes in two flavors: threats (known euphemistically as “consequences”) and bribes (”positive reinforcement”).  Rewards and punishments are two sides of the same coin, and unfortunately, neither can buy anything more than temporary obedience.

This presentation, by the author of UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING, will show why carrots and sticks are not only ineffective but actually counterproductive over the long haul. To raise children who are good learners and good people requires us to abandon strategies that do things to kids, in favor of an approach in which we work with them. And underlying those “working with” strategies is the message that children do not have to earn our approval, that we love them not for what they do but just for who they are.

Cost is $5 per person. Space is limited, go to pdxparentingsupport.com for reservations.

Our children and their heritage

My husband and I recently enjoyed a date night, compliments of a friend who graciously offered to stay with the girls.  It'd been a LONG, LONG time since we'd seen a movie (I think we've seen 2 movies at the theater in the past 6.5 years), so we opted to see Namesake at the Hollywood Theater.  A story about a family young scholar who moves from Calcutta to New York and his almost-stranger wife who journeys to join him, my husband and I are each reminded of our own parents, their immigration stories, and our experiences growing up in America but often being asked "so where are you from?", as if we couldn't be from San Francisco or New York (respectively).  My father immigrated to the states, a single man.  On a 2-week vacation in his home, the Philippines, he met my mother, fell in love, proposed, and married her.  The newlyweds spent their first 3 months of marriage across the world from each other; they conceived me immediately after my mom joined my dad in San Francisco.

My husband's parents story is that both parents came to the states single and separately.  They lived in different cities where they could work (as physician and nurse) in New York, New Jersey, Minnesota, Ohio.  They settled in New York, where they raised their Filipino family of four children.

Growing up, he and I had different experiences, but we were both growing up as children of immigrants.  We faced challenges like parents being confused on what a "prom" was and why teenagers should be allowed to go to a dance party without parent supervision.  Our lunches were thick savory Filipino stews over rice, maybe some adobo or relleno.  Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were pretty foreign, but siopao (steamed adobo pork buns) were a common merienda.

Like with many cultures, Asian, European, African, Latin -- the two "f"s are what keep the heritage alive: Food and Family.  Do you feel you are able to inject your children's awareness and love of their own ethnic heritage?  How?  Do you feel you are able to raise their awareness of others' ethnic heritage?

Way back when, we had previous conversations about our children of mixed heritage or about how we were clinging to culture.  In the past, many mama groups have formed via urbanMamas, including a group of Jewish Mamas who have found cultural commonality among their families.  We recently received email from Kinnari: 

I've recently moved to Portland with our two-year-old son.  I am of Indian descent (my parents moved from India in the '60s, though I was born and raised here), and as my little one is getting older, it's important to me that he grow up with a connection to his heritage. Are there other Indian/South Asian moms in Portland who'd be interested in meeting up from time to time?  If so, please email me at kshah[at]alum [dot]berkeley[dot]edu.  Thanks, and I look forward to meeting you!

Juggling a Preschooler and a Nursing Babe

I remember when our second daughter was born, our older one was just over 3 years old. Just when I'd settle in to nurse baby Tati, I'd hear: "Mammmmaaa!" from the other room. "CAN YOU DRAW WITH ME?!?!?" I came to look forward to evening nurse sessions, after I had tucked in older Philly to bed. But, even then, it'd be: "Maammmmmaaaa!" she'd holler, waking baby Tati from her nam-nam slumber. "I GOTTA GO POTTY/NEED WATER/WANT A KISS!!!!" It's tough, juggling the two. How did you do? Sarah is feeling challenged:

I'm due to have my second child any day now, and I already have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. Does anyone have recommendations for a special activity or ways to occupy a preschooler while nursing a baby? When my daughter was nursing, it regularly lasted 30-45 minutes, and I want to be prepared in case this baby is a slow eater too. Any tips?

Have you lost that lovin' feelin'?

Parenthood, no doubt, has a powerful impact on our relationships with our partners.  How do you keep love alive?

My husband and I have one baby (15 mos) and pretty much since she's been born our sex life has ground to a halt.  We are still very affectionate and snuggly - I know we are both very much in love and delighted about our family - but the, uh, lust that used to be there seems to have just vanished.  I feel perplexed about this and wonder how other parents have dealt with it?  The first few months I chalked it up to lack of sleep and the general haze of new parenthood but that is not really an issue anymore.  We both work full time so I definitely feel more harried, but we could definitely make time any night after 7 or weekend naptime if we made it a priority ... it just seems we don't have the urge.  Or, at least, I don't.  We haven't really talked about it much, except to kind of joke about it, though on pretty much any other subject we're excellent communicators.  I'm beginning to think about it more and I'm starting to wonder if I should talk to my doctor (hormonal changes?) about this, or ... a marriage counselor?  Anyone else had a similar lack of libido after parenthood?

A Time for Us

Every relationship has its ups and downs.  For recurring issues that are never resolve and for learning new approaches to old conflicts, sometimes a third-party can make a world of difference:

I am thinking that the urbanMamas community is the place to come for a good referral for a couples counselor.  My husband and I are still figuring out life as a couple with a kiddo and it's been long enough that I think we're going in circles more than really figuring anything out. So who have you seen? What did you like about them? I'm sure we're not alone in this, but it's such a hard one to talk candidly about (and I'd rather go on recommendation than start in the yellow pages).

Crafting with Kiddos

As a mama, I love to encourage my children to be creative, both through crafts and in the kitchen.  Lisa is looking for some ideas of activities to do with her new two year old child:

My husband and I are adopting a two year old boy that we brought home about a month ago.  I am hoping to get advise from other moms about good activities for two year olds.  We read tons of books, paint/color, play in the sand box, go to the park etc.  I am looking for some more indoor craft activities that give us a chance for a lot of interaction.  Also, he loves to help out in the kitchen so any fun recipe ideas would be great.

My recommendation for cooking would be to try easy baking things.   I like to let my little guy help mix up biscuits or pancake batter.  Playing with dough is fun for them, as is cutting out the shapes (making biscuits  - or scones! a winner in my house).  We also do crafts that involve multi-media type art, combining coloring, painting, and stickers all at once.  For recipes, you might check your nearest library for books that have kid-friendly recipes in them.  I have one that has a great pretzel recipe where the pretzels are to be shaped like letters.  We made one for each person in the family with their first initial (of course with M for Mama!).  Anyone else have some great successes in the indoor activity department?

Mama of two; what to do?

When I had our second baby, I recall feeling stretched thin from both ends. It was like one child was pulling one arm (actually, she was nursing the heck outta me, so she was really pulling something else), and our other child (who was a 3-year old then) was pulling my other arm. Hard. It was a constant juggle, and it definitely took quite a bit of time to adjust to being a mama of two. Lydia asks for suggestions from the urbanMamas community:

I have a new baby, 5 weeks today. He has a big sister who just turned two. We're doing pretty well, thanks, all things considered, but I am dying to get out of the house more! Problem is, my daughter, being two, can be "uncooperative" when it's time to leave, or stay close by while I nurse, or whatever. Any ideas about what we could do? I need places where the big girl can be a little contained if I need to nurse or something. The one thing I can think of is the Portland Children's museum where there's an infant area with a gate, and nobody will mind if baby fusses a little while I shepherd everybody in there. Indoor play parks are also a possibility, I guess, except my daughter loves the trampoline most and I probably shouldn't spot with a baby on my chest. Advice from other experienced moms of two? Should I just stay home (please no!)?

Question for 2-house families

urbanMamas and Papas, Sadie Rose would love to hear how you have juggled scheduling for your child(ren) who have two or more places to call "home":

I have a 2.5 year old boy, and he goes to his dad's one night a week. But now, things are changing and he's going to be there nearly (but not quite) half the time!

I was just wondering if anyone out there has any ideas on the best way to do the split household with a little guy. I was nearly twelve when my parents divorced, and as I headed into my teens, I liked the longer stints at each house so that I didn't have to go back and forth so much. But clearly, with a toddler, I'm not going to do it as I would with a teenager. At this point, we have developed a schedule where he goes to his dad's house 2 nights in a row, comes back to me for 2 nights, back to dad's for 1 night, and then back to me for 2 nights.

It sounds complicated, and I suppose on many levels, it is. I am just wondering if any uMs have any other ideas or experiences or advice on this matter. We are barely even through our first week with the new schedule, so I'm not even sure how it's going to go. Time (and emotions) will tell.

Who was at the birth?

In a comment to the recent thread on Seeking Suggestions for natural hospital birth, Leslie says:

I'd love to hear what other uMamas think of who should be present at their births...

Who was at your child(ren)'s birth? In retrospect, did it work well for you? What would have you changed?

Thoughts on Number Three

At date night last Friday, my spouse brought up the topic of number three.  I have to say, I wasn't fully prepared for the discussion.  There is a huge part of my heart that would love to conceive another baby (the fun part!), and I would more-so love carrying another life inside of me and delivering another little bambina/o.  I look less fondly on the ensuing challenges of having baby: postpartum issues, sleep deprivation, nursing, feeding, diapering... 

I have two siblings and my husband has three.  Our family dymanics have been robust and generally happy.  Now that I'm all grown up, I'm happy to have two brothers to call on for occassional back-up childcare or to invite over for Sunday night dinner.  I'm happy to have my husband's siblings, the aunties and uncles who are all beloved and important parts of our girls' lives.  Family affairs when our families gather are rambunctious and overjoyous.  Shall we keep the cycle of our families growing by growing our own nuclear family?

By the time our first daughter was 3, her baby sister was soon to come.  Now that our second daughter is 3.5 (!!!!), I get to thinking, "Should we?  Could we?"  The past few days, I have looked at our younger daughter with a few ounces of wistfulness and nostalgia.  Her days of babyhood are now years behind us.  Our little Tati is 3.5 years old going on 35: she looks like a little woman, a dalagita as they say in my parents' language.

Granted, having a baby just to prolong the sweet smell of baby in the household isn't reason enough to go for three.  Tati's best friend, who almost 3 years old, is expecting a baby sister within weeks.  Tati has come home saying, "I want to be a big sister."  I'm having a hard time coming up with a way to respond to her.

Have you decided?  Do your Thoughts on Number Two also apply to your Thoughts on Number Three?

Do you need a 'SuperNanny'?

Thanks to Liz for pointing out to us that SuperNanny is scouting for families in Oregon.  Think it's something that could benefit your family?  Apply on the ABC | SuperNanny website.

Thoughs on Number Two

Have you thought about having a second baby and decided to grow your family? Did you have a second or third (or fourth) baby in a more unplanned manner? Have you (and your partner) made an intentional decision to have only one child? An urbanMama has emailed us asking for your thoughts and experiences:

My "baby" is one and a half now. Although we're not ready for another one immediately, the thought is constantly on my mind. And so are the constant dilemmas/scenarios that enter my brain: Can a second one be as perfect as my first? Will my first resent her sibling? What about my responsibility to the world--adding to over-population, the thousands of children already out there in need of loving homes, and the state of the environment and global warming (will the Earth be livable when our baby is old?). Is it selfish to have another baby this day and age? Is it the right thing to do? I know there is no "right" answer, but others have certainly been through this. What have other urbanMamas done and thought?

'Difficult' child, difficult parental relationships

When Everett was two, his tantrums (while oh-so-not-what-I-expected in the rosy months of pregnancy and infancy) seemed developmentally appropriate. I chatted with other mamas about our children's so-called "normal" behavior. Sure, he was on the energetic, stubborn end of the child spectrum, but I loved his spirit, and his hugs and loving words were indications to me that I had nothing to worry.

And then, he turned four. And then, he turned four-and-a-half. And slowly I began to think my child didn't seem so "normal" anymore. His tantrums, instead of lessening, worsened. Over the past few months they've been epic, earth-shattering. I've started to search for a label a little stronger than "energetic" and definitely not "spirited." (No. Oh no.) Whether that label is "ADHD" or "bipolar" (probably not, but sometimes...) or "defiant" (yuck) or, more kindly, "explosive/inflexible" -- well, something's going on. I should not be getting in screaming battles with my four-year-old about brushing his teeth.  He should not have such a well-developed and well-used repertoire of swearwords.

It's been hard on my husband and I, as we have different experiences with him (Everett's worst and most awful tantrums are saved for time alone with me, even though he professes to love me best and always apologizes, kissing and hugging and telling me how much he loves me, later) and, well, we have different approaches to parenthood. I'm a reader, he's a "didn't it work for 1000s of years?" kind of guy. ("NO!" is my response.)

Anyway, we've been working through it as best we can, starting with a parenting class we'll take tonight, and following with more individual expert advice for both us and, perhaps, for Everett. The thing I fear most is that our problems are not so-called "normal," and I've seen many a relationship destroyed for more prosaic disagreements. Have you had a hard time negotiating discipline (whether or not your parenting picture is more or less normal), too? What's been your best relationship-saving strategy?

Love & Logic Workshop

The workshop last September experienced a great response, and it's back again.  The session will include a brief overview of Love and Logic (focusing on the 0-5 age group) with lots of time to walk through specific scenarios.  The session hopes to help take the ideas from the Love and Logic books and learning how to really put them into practice in day-to-day situations with kids.  Here are details:

Love & Logic Workshop
Thursday, January 18
6:30 to 8:00 PM
held at Growing Seeds North, 6501 NE MLK

Presenter: Tracey Johnson, LCSW

Cost: $15 person or $20 a couple

No child care will be provided/a parents only event

Please RSVP to Amy at Growing Seeds at amy@growingseeds.net by Friday Jan 12th

Connected Parenting Series

Zenana Spa and Wellness Center is offering a Connected Parenting Series.  Here are the details:

A 6 week Class and Discussion/Practice Group series. A new session starts January 10th - register now to reserve a spot - childcare fills quickly!

Cost: $120 per person, $160 per couple, plus $45 for childcare for one child, $65 for two in the same family for 6 week session. SLIDING SCALE available - contact Lyla@zenana-spa.com.

Meets once per week for 1.25 hours per week. This group is focused on the primacy of connection in parenting children of all ages and on parenting without punishments or rewards. Look deeply past difficult behaviors to discover the underlying needs of our children (and ourselves), and begin to use concrete tools to respond effectively to parenting challenges. Incorporates concepts from the work of Alfie Kohn, Lawrence J. Cohen, Dr. Gordon Nuefeld, and Mary Sheedy Kurchinka as well as the professional and personal experience of Lyla and Emily.

Facilitated by: Lyla Wolfenstein, B.S., IBCLC, RLC - Parent Educator, Lactation Consultant and Mother of 2; and Emily Troper, ECE - Early Childhood Educator and Mother of 4
Schedule: Wednesdays from 10am - 11:15am

Organize THIS!

It was just about a year ago, the day before Thanksgiving, when I invited a space organizational consultant in to help us purge and organize.  It's always, always good to go make time to go through stuff and chuck the stuff you haven't touched in years.  Why keep it around?  Kaaren is feeling the similar itch to reorganize, plan, shuffle, and strategize:

We're in desperate need of a professional organizer, particularly for our home office (which we both work from), but also for other parts of the house.  We need to purge, organize and establish systems for paper and clothes, the two things that consistently encroach upon our home and sanity.  Do any of you have any experience with someone who helped you, who you could recommend to us?  (We're in close-in NE)

P.S. What a great gift!  A certificate to a couple of hours with a space consultant?  A gift that could potentially keep on giving.

Support for StepMamas

Do you have any suggestions for a StepMama? Let Aisha know:

I would like to see if there are any ways for me connect with other step parents. I am trying to get pregnant myself now but in the interim I also have a stepdaughter and would like to speak with other stepparents who are loving and active in their kiddie's lives as well.

Religion after kids

Erica's post got me to thinking about how my attitude toward religion has changed since I had kids. My beliefs are basically the same as they always were -- I'm a pretty secular gal -- but I do find myself drawn to the traditions of organized religion. Something else, too...I find religion connects me to the older generations of my family, if only by association.

My parents taught me very little about my religious and cultural background. It never mattered to me until now, when I find myself totally unequipped to answer my kids' questions about our beliefs and history. I'm scraping along, but it's pretty seat of the pants sometimes.

And so, I'm looking into religious education for my kids (Sunday school sort of thing). I hope to learn along with them. I also hope that, whatever religion they ultimately follow (or not), they will understand the religion they were born into -- even if our family doesn't subscribe to the particulars. They'll at least have a starting point from which to begin their exploration.