urbanPapas need friends too: Seeking SAHDs

For sure, we have many fewer conversations here on urbanMamas dedicated to the papas, which isn't to say that daddyhood isn't important!  But, we know there are dads who are faithful readers of urbanMamas.  An urbanPapa recently emailed seeking paparaderie with other stay-at-home dads (SAHDs):

Are there dads lurking on the urbanMamas site who have advice for a new dad who's at home with his daughter? Do stay at home dads meet up anywhere in Portland?  My partner just happened to be finishing an engineering program just as the economy tanked.  I've been back at work for two months, while he's full time at home with our five month old daughter. We'd love to hear from other dads who by choice or circumstance are taking care of the kids.

If there are papas out there who'd like to get together for a SAHD gathering or a daddy gathering, please let us know!   We can help facilitate getting that group together.

Happy Father's Day! Celebrate with kids, or without?

On Mother's Day, I scored a few hours alone to go to the farmer's market, and as I wandered around shopping on my own, I watched other pregnant women and women who looked vaguely mama-ish, wondering: would we rather be with our kids, or alone, on this day that celebrates us? I already missed my kids, especially on this day, when having them along would prove that I was one of the laud-ees. (Why I need to prove that, I can't explain.) I decided I'd rather be around them, and hurried home to hang out with my sweet boys and eat market goodies.

Today is Father's Day, and someone on my Twitter stream was musing about whether she or her husband deserved the day off; June 21 is her birthday. I immediately thought, neither, isn't celebrating with family what these days are all about? but held my tongue (or fingers); maybe she just meant "day off of cleaning the dishes."

Another dad I follow, though, said he thought Father's Day was a day for dads to spend with their kids. I began to reflect that it's far more common to give mom a day alone on her day, whereas it's more common to have dad+kid activities on dad's day. Given the long experience in our culture of domestic/career divisions with its conventionally-assumed distribution:mom's making breakfast and folding laundry, dad's putting on his tie and readying for a commute; these days have traditionally sought to change that dynamic for 24 hours.

But in our progressive 21st century culture, the facts have changed... right? Dad's doing laundry, mom's often commuting, but most of us still spend Mother's and Father's Days the same as when we called our parents "mother" and "father" (at least on TV). How is it in your house? Does dad celebrate by going on kid-tastic adventures, or does he go out and hang with his daddy friends? Or is it a big family barbecue -- and does dad man the grill or sit back and drink rootbeer floats (my own dad's fave)?

For the record: today, we're making one of my husband's favorite breakfasts, huevos rancheros burritos, and later we'll all be going on what I think is the best Pedalpalooza ride of all: the Unimproved Ride Road. How about you?

What do you do when two is enough? The big V?

We've talked forever about our decision to go with an IUD for our preferred method of birth control, with well over a 100 comments and going.  We have an urbanFamily looking into the big "V", a vasectomy, and seeks your doc suggestions in and around Portland:

Our family is looking at the big V this year for my husband. I'm looking for doctor recommendations.

Any more tips, tricks, or advice?  It's always welcome.

What's up for Father's Day 2008?

Now, the time has almost come to celebrate the daddies in our children's lives.  Is this a gift-oriented holiday for some of you?  Care to share gift ideas?  How else are you contributing to making it a special day?  If your child(ren) doesn't live with their papa full-time, is the celebration different or is the holiday less highlighted in your world?  Are there other ways you are celebrating father figures in your family?

urbanMamas, but for urbanPapas?

We at urbanMamas, though we're called urbanMamas, welcome mamas and papas (grandmas, aunties, grandpas, uncles, and all the caretakers of our little folk) to come share experiences and perspectives.  Still, our thrust has always been - and always will be - our mamaraderie.  Well, what about paparaderie, beyond our piddly section devoted to daddyhood?  George recently emailed:

Do you know any sites that are similar to Urban Mamas, but for PDX fathers?

And what about the dads?

Thank you, Tracy, for beating us to the punch, for we were going start a conversation along the same vein.

In amongst all the angst of the "Do you stay at home?  Why or why not?" question, there was not a lot of talk about dads.  Sorry for the fact that this question assumes a dad is present as I know it won't relate to everyone, but what is the role of dad in your home?  How do you divide work?  How do you think dad and mom relationships differ with the children?  How do the dads feel about their role and would they want it to be different?  Do moms want dad's role to be different?  Very curious about this....

We know that the vast majority of people who read this site are, in fact, mamas.  We also know, however, that there are quite a few papas out there that read regularly and comment oh-so very infrequently.  We appreciate you papas treading lightly and allowing the conversation to ensue.  But, we are also interested in bringing papas deeper into the fold.  We would love to hear from you, too.  We realize that not every family has a papa.  Still, we want to ask mamas and papas alike: What is papa's role in your household?  What would you like to see different?  What would you never change?

Helping the Papa make Papa friends

It's so fun when we get to meet you in person!  Last night, we met Kelly and Ethan, mama and papa to a 5 month old Jackson.  Ethan stays home 3 days a week with baby Jackson.  When we got to talking about daddy groups and possible papa meet-ups, it occurred to us that it'd been a while since we'd talked about support for the papas. 

Beyond "Support for the SAHDs" or "Surfing urbanPapas", do you have more suggestions for the stay-at-home daddy set?  Know of a great papa group?  Have you helped your babe's papa connect with other papas?  What are foolproof ways to get the daddies in on the playdate circuit?

Support for SAHDs

Megan seeks advice from the urbanMamas on behalf of the urbanPapas:

I'm going back to work next week and my husband will be staying home (in NE Portland) with our 5 month old son. Do you know of any networks (i.e. like urbanMamas) for stay at home dads?

Surfing urbanPapas

Are there any urbanPapas out there who fit this bill?

My husband has been a dedicated surfer since his college years at Black's Beach in San Diego. Since we had kids, what used to be a vital part of his life has turned into a very occasional activity. However, now that the youngest is 4 and we've emerged from that period of crazed intensity, my husband is looking to get back in the ocean on a more regular basis. He's wondering if there are any UrbanPapa surfers out there who'd like to share gas and driving (and good conversation!) on a once-a-month daytrip to the coast. As a parent, he understands the contstraints of family life, but he's looking for a guy(s) who are committed and won't flake out on him.  Please call Bruce at 503-872-9943.

Kid's Sick - Who Stays Home?

Just as the Activistas were discussing: Papas & The FMLS - Is anyone using it?  A University of Cincinnati study recently released and looked at dual-working parent families: Who puts family first when a child is sick?  Their data "finds a large gender disparity in providing urgent child care, with 77.7 percent of women taking time off from work and 26.5 percent of men reporting that they attend to child-care needs".

If you and your partner both work, how do you decide who stays home with a sick child?  How does your workplace treat you're child's sickness & your need to stay home?  As a single parent, have you found emergency back-up care that works?  What do you do as a working parent when your child is sick?

What's up for Father's Day 2007?

So, uMamas, do you have special plans to celebrate the urbanPapas in our lives this Sunday?  Melissa recently emailed:

Please tell me that I am not the only mama out there with a "daddy" that BUYS everything he wants.  If he doesn't already own it then it is out of our price range.  What are you getting the father of your children for Father's Day?

urbanPapa Doctor Recommendation?

We urbanMamas are interested in good health for urbanPapas, too!  Christina has a great question:

I have a question I'm asking on behalf of the UrbanPapa in my family. I've always taken for granted the fact that I have a doctor who specializes in women's health issues, but my husband has been looking for a doctor who specializes in men's health and has come up empty. He'd like to have a doctor he can go to for a general check-up, talk about various issues and build a relationship. Any recommendations? I want him to live a long, healthy life!

Question for 2-house families

urbanMamas and Papas, Sadie Rose would love to hear how you have juggled scheduling for your child(ren) who have two or more places to call "home":

I have a 2.5 year old boy, and he goes to his dad's one night a week. But now, things are changing and he's going to be there nearly (but not quite) half the time!

I was just wondering if anyone out there has any ideas on the best way to do the split household with a little guy. I was nearly twelve when my parents divorced, and as I headed into my teens, I liked the longer stints at each house so that I didn't have to go back and forth so much. But clearly, with a toddler, I'm not going to do it as I would with a teenager. At this point, we have developed a schedule where he goes to his dad's house 2 nights in a row, comes back to me for 2 nights, back to dad's for 1 night, and then back to me for 2 nights.

It sounds complicated, and I suppose on many levels, it is. I am just wondering if any uMs have any other ideas or experiences or advice on this matter. We are barely even through our first week with the new schedule, so I'm not even sure how it's going to go. Time (and emotions) will tell.

Desperately Seeking Parenting Classes

When parenting styles clash, what's a family to do?  Jenn asks:

Our son is 2.5 years old and i'm well aware that his often crazy, unpredictable behavior is normal for his age.  my husband, however, is losing his patience minute by minute and simply shuts down in the face of it. It's causing serious stress on our family and our marriage, and i feel we're at an impasse - we need some outside help. I was wondering if anyone out there knows of a good toddler parenting/family communications class or workshop we could attend either as a couple or all 3 of us.

Family Adventuring 101

This Wednesday Milagros will host a special get-together for the fathers and fathers to be out there. We will provide a variety of suggestions and tips for successful family adventuring.

It doesn’t matter what your outdoor experience is, whether you have scaled mountains or just taken walks in your neighborhood, the focus of this discussion is helping you choose and plan outings that will be memorable and fun.

Bring your questions and your own experiences to share. Tony will be bringing his experience as an outdoor guide for Outward Bound and Adventure Learning as well as an adventuring parent to the conversation.

Wednesday, February 28, 5:30 pm - 7:00 pm at Milagros, 5433 NE 30th Avenue, Portland. $3 per person suggested donation.

UPDATED: For the boys

NOTE: I need to cancel the February 15 playdate.

My intent at some point is to start a blog that is for the men-folk but I know that I'm not the only Papa who checks out UrbanMamas for ideas/suggestions/info. So please allow me to provide a commercial advertisement targeting the boys on this forum for just a moment:

Upcoming UrbanPapas Playdates:
Thursday, January 18, 10 am - Noon
CANCELED: Thursday, February 15, 10 am - Noon

at Milagros, 5433 Ne 30th Avenue, Portland

Bring yourself and your kid - but kid is not required. If you want to bring a snack to share, go for it! - but not required. Remember to help clean-up before you leave!

UrbanPapas Forum - Family Adventuring: Travel, Outdoor Life, and More with Family and Kids

Wednesday, February 28
5:30 pm - 7:30 pm
at Milagros, 5433 Ne 30th Avenue, Portland

Facilitator/featured speaker Tony Fuentes. Tony will provide suggestions and tips for successful family adventuring based on his experience as an outdoor guide for Outward Bound and as an adventuring parent. Bring your questions and your own experiences to share.

No kids this time. $3 per person suggested donation. This is our first time doing an evening kid-free meeting so please RSVP.

UrbanPapa Get Together

There was a post on the need for opportunities for Papas and Papas-to-be to meet, greet and swap stories, advice, or what have you. Putting together a group like that has been on my to-do list for many, many months.

I am now a Papa for the second-time - Gael Cesario Fuentes was born on 11/30, all is well with him, his Mama and his adoring big sister. I realize that I just need to do this thing or it may never happen, so here it goes:

What: UrbanPapa Thang - a chance to meet other dads, enjoy some complimentary coffee, and/or just hang out

When: Thursday, December 21, 10 am - Noon at Milagros, 5433 Ne 30th Avenue. If all goes well, this will become a regular thing on the third Thursday of every month. I'll keep you posted on that.

What to bring: Yourself, your infant, toddler, or preschool aged kid(s) - kid is not required. If you want to bring a snack to share, go for it but not required.

If you have any questions, send me an email

Dad's Groups?

We mamas know we have a great thing going here with urbanMamas.  While we aren't an exclusive all-mama community, we are admittedly biased toward all things mama.  (Shout-outs go to our most regular urbanPapa participant, Tony at Milagros!).  How does an urbanPapa find his support and community?  Anyone know of ongoing groups or websites?  Kate asks:

I have posted a couple times on the site and find it to be a really wonderful tool.  I am in my second trimester of pregnancy and it has now started to feel real.  My husband is excited and nervous and would love to find a dad's group to meet with soon-to-be dad's to talk about his upcoming role.  He is coming up empty on the web, as am I.  Any suggestions about where he might look for support?