Urban Mamas

Children in households across America roll their eyes when their parents say: "when I was your age, I never had a cell phone...", an introduction to a tyrade about how cell phone usage is a privilege, yadda, yadda, yadda.  (If you haven't already, perhaps it's worth visiting the post: "Kids & Cell Phones: yes? no? when? how?")

Our middle-schooler  has been using a cell phone since she started coming home alone afterschool last fall.  When no one else is home, she will go into the drawer where it is kept, retrieve the cell phone, and text us to let us know she is home.  She does not take the phone to school.  She is not allowed to use her phone to text/call friends during the week.

One day last week, my mid-day run in the neighborhood ended at her school, thinking we could run home together.  I waited for her outside of the bike cage.  As she turned the corner, I was surprised to see her fiddling with her phone as she walked toward me.  When whe finally looked up, she gave a start.  For a split second, she tried to hide the phone, but she knew there was no point.

We had a long talk with her that night about her usage, and she was so sad to think about how she defied us.  We agreed that she wouldn't have use of her phone at all for the next week.

It was a quiet weekend for the family.  There was plenty of down-time reading the new library books.  She was lying in her bed, reading, when I came into her room.  I said: "what are you doing?"  She responded: "Reading, what does it look like?"  Noting her tone of defensiveness, I asked: "where's your phone?"  She pointed to under her pillow.  From its depths, I removed the hot piece of equipment; its internal temperature signaled recent long usage.  I flicked it on and saw that she was mid-game, with thousands of points racked up.

I took the phone back and left her to finish her book.  Curious about the cell phone usage - and amazed that I hadn't been this curious previously - I went online to check our usage summary.  I was disappointed - but I suppose I wasn't too surprised - to see this:

Our bill typically ranges $70-80 for two phone lines.  Not only did I find out that our daughter had 1400+ text messages, there were also downloads and pay-per-MB fees.  My heart felt heavy.

Later in the day, we found that my husband's phone had been disconnected/suspended, due to the overage in fees as well as late pays.  (We have an ongoing payment set up, since we rarely have any cost overages)

In an effort to get his phone line reactivated, we spent a long while on the phone with an agent at our wireless phone company.  When the agent saw our text message overage, she said "wow" under her breath.  She was impressed.  Then, she said that, from the perspective of the mother of two teenagers, kids these days just use text to communicate about everything.  She said each of her kids average about 5,000 texts a month.  She also counseled us on a few options (for additional monthly fees, of course) that would allow us varying degrees of control of the account: we could susupend service at certain points of the day (from 8am to 3pm, and from 8pm to 8am), allow service only to specific phone numbers (parents, family, select friends), elect for automatic shut-off once maximums were reached (maximum text or data usage).  I suppose we do have many options to exercise control.

We are so new to all of this, and I am so curious how you and your tweens/teens have agreed upon boundaries for their cell phones.  Have you decided upon a maximum usage plan, then insisted upon their adherance?  Have you and they both compromised on an in-between plan?  What about parental controls: have you used these options, even incurring additional fees?  Any of these services worth the cost and control?

A student teacher, enrolled in the Lewis & Clark masters program in education and placed at a school in the Beaverton School District, was asked by a fourth-grade student questions about his sexual orientation.  Soon after, the student teacher was dismissed by the School.  It seems that the school bases its grounds on the fact that the conversation happened between teacher and a fourth-grader, a nine year-old.  Is it too early to discuss marriage and sexual orientation with fourth-graders?  If so, when is the right time?  If the teacher were straight, discussing his partnership or female fiancée, would the result have been the same?  If your child asked the teacher questions along these lines, how would you prefer he answered?

My heart hurts, and my stomach: a few minutes ago, I yelled at Everett. He's seven-and-a-half, and as his dad has been away for the past two weeks doing Army duty -- he'll be away again later this month, and then, in May, he'll be mobilized to serve in Iraq for more than a year -- I'm asking the oldest boy to be far more responsible than I probably should. I know how this goes; I, too, am the oldest child of a large family, and distinctly remember feeling so infused with the responsibility of my first-born role, before I even started kindergarten I'd have nightmares in which I was the only one who could save my whole family from a house fire, an out-of-control car.

I'd been struggling with Monroe, who had dumped a quarter-cup of vanilla into the cookies, and was wailing when I wouldn't let him swipe enormous finger-fulls of butter, maple syrup, and oh, that vanilla. He was holding his arm and crying, "owe, owe, OWE!" -- I'd "hurt" him by holding his arm back from the bowl after five illicit tastes. Everett could help, I knew it: he's great with his little brother and I often look to him to fill in with patience when I've lost it.

But Everett was deep in a farm game on the iPod, and wasn't having any of this man-of-the-house baloney. I ordered him off, or else; he ran upstairs in tears. There I was: spreading my ill-patience around to the rest of the family instead of healing it. I took my breaths, set Monroe in front of the left-behind iPod, and went to apologize. But, honestly, my apology wasn't that great. I had to tell him, look, kid: when I am losing my temper and need your help, there's no one else. You have to be my go-to guy. For years.

While I work on controlling my temper, I also have this weighty question hanging heavy in the air like the scent of caramelizing vanilla: how do I temper the duty burden I'm sure to be yoking on Everett's shoulders for years to come? Where do I strike the balance between the trust and reliability I know he's earned, on one hand; and his very real needs for emotional development on the other? Have others here juggled this, whether because of being a single parent, or having a partner who frequently travels, or works very long hours? I'd love to hear your stories.

[And oh yes: the cookies turned out great. Way too much vanilla was just right.]

Previously on urbanMamas, we've talked just a little about internet safety, our kids and mature media, or YouTube as a learning tool.  Not sure what came over us this weekend, but we went ahead and set up our 8-year old with her very own email account: first name [dot] last name [at] gmail [dot] com.  Not too creative, I know.  We let her know she can use the email for communicating with our extended family, who is scattered everywhere, geographically.  We know she has other friends who have had email for a little while, but we know that the majority of her peers don't have email accounts yet.  Our intent is for her to use it strictly for family, and she needs to ask us before getting onto the computer.  We also intend to check her email for her and keep track of her password.

I would love to hear other parents' thoughts about this: when would you/will you let your child have his/her own email account?  What would be some of the parameters you would set for usage?  Have you encountered this in your household yet?

If you're a mama with a little boy or if you're a papa with a little girl, how and when would/did you let them go to the bathroom on their own?  When our daughters were brought on a playdate with a friend and his papa, we wondered, "would Jason take them into the men's room?  Or let them potty on their own?"  Shannon emails:

I’m the mama of two kids, ages 7 and 3, and we have just started swim lessons again at our local pool.  Up until now, I have been bringing my son (the 7-year old) in the locker room with me despite the inane sign that tells me children 5 and up must use the same gender locker room or a family changing room.  There was no way my 5-year old was in any way ready to go in the men’s room by himself and it’s virtually impossible to get a family room (plus floor is generally wet and icky).  So now that he is 7, my husband suggested that maybe he is old enough to venture into the men’s room and change by himself while I tend to my daughter in the ladies room.  At first I was really reluctant and worried (there are myriad scenarios that fly through my head), but I thought we’d give it a try.  We designated a spot for him to wait for his sister and me, we talked about strangers and where to go for help (the front desk) if he needed it.

So I was wondering at what age do other mamas let their sons go in the men’s room on their own and how they felt about it?

The urbanMamas community is always such a wealth of support and perspective.  Shari emails:

I'm thinking about taking some or all of my kids to the Oregon Children's Theater/Captain Bogg & Salty showing of Treasure Island. But it has been so long since I read the book, I can't remember for what ages it would be appropriate. Is anyone familiar enough with the book or the show to make a recommendation? My children are ages 5 and 5 (boys) and 8 (girl).

I know that I've talked to many a mamas about no longer listening to NPR after the kids reach a certain age, but do we also have to censor the Sunday comics?  Teresa emailed us recently:

Call me crazy, but now that my 2nd grader can read, I am finding myself concerned with, of all things, the Sunday comics. I know, I know, we all remember french toast and pouring over Charlie Brown and his kite antics and Calvin and Hobbs shooting a cannon through the snowman. But, last fall, after my husband had gotten in the habit of reading the Sunday comics to my 4 yr. old and 7 yr. old sons, I took a look at what is actually in there. Mark Trail is lovely and Dennis the Menace is still up to his old tricks. But I didn't like the strip that showed a teenager in high school class fantasizing about his teacher draped over her desk, half-naked in a darkly lit room with a bright light trained on her curves. That really was in the Oregonian's Sunday comics, I think it was fall 2007. I thought to myself, "You're overreacting. It's just the comics. Let it go."

Until this Sunday's comics, March 2. "Pearls Before Swine" has a son, a zebra no less, plastering "Girls Gone Wacky" videos, with voluptuous bikini clad lasses on the covers, all over the outside of his house and yard. The zebra dad says, "My son's a perv."

I know my young sons absolutely do not need an introduction to strippers and video porn. (Heck, a drive in the car past strip clubs and adult stores can take care of that.) So why the heck does it need to be in our Sunday Oregonian's bastian of Sunday morning entertainment; the Sunday comics? Anyone else take the time to look past Family Circle and see what's in there sometimes? It ain't always Rated G. What do you think about the Sunday comics for your kids who can read or for those even younger? (The comic pictures described here were quite vivid and telling.)