How often do you do "it"?
By "it", I am not talking about how many times you wipe a snotty nose with your own sleeve or bare hand. I am not talking about how many times you wipe a poopy butt. I am not talking about how many times you load/unload the dishwasher/laundry machine. I am not talking about how many times you say "put your jacket on, let's go!" in the morning.
I'm talking about SEX. This morning, a mama friend exclaimed, "we had sex two nights in a row!" with a strong sense of proud accomplishment. Gone are those days for us, honestly. We used to be very robust performers, with a matinée for the early risers and several more showings following. Now ten years into our lives as parents, we are lucky for a weekly episode.
Even if we have some tips on how to get in the mood (a la Confessions of a horny mama and Let's Talk About Sex), we still cannot make the time. Or can we?
What is your routine? How often does sex happen for you? Is it the right amount, too little, too much?
I had to take a moment and just laugh at this posting! Not laughing at you, but just laughing! I think it's pretty "normal" to have sex a lot less when you have kids and especially when you've been together for a while. Let's face it the "honey moon faze" is over. My hubby and I have been together for 13 years, and it's normal for us to only do it about once or maybe twice a month. That's not to say that we don't sometimes get more frisky than that once in a while. We also both try to get things going from time to time. But for the most part we both work a lot and between that and making time for the kids there is just not enough time in the day to do it on a regular basis. And for the most part we're both ok with that.
Posted by: another mama | October 19, 2010 at 03:01 PM
I'm happy to see a post about this because the hubby and I have discussed what is a "normal" amount to do "it" these days. We have sex about 1-2 times a week and I think for full-time working parents with a toddler that it is a quite normal and acceptable amount. Unfortunately, he does not agree with me which has turned sex more into a bargaining tool and that makes it less fun. It has become more about trying to make him happy than about loving each other. Which in turn makes me want it less and the cycle continues. He seems to think that I should be flattered that he wants me so much, but I wish hubby would just accept that I need sleep more and enjoy what he does get instead of complain. What's that old saying- you get more flies with honey than vinegar?
Posted by: Mamas need sleep too! | October 19, 2010 at 03:57 PM
wow. before becoming parents and figuring out how to do that as 2 full-time working people, i would have described myself as having a whole lot of libido - even 10 years into my current relationship. but if you've got a toddler and you're getting around to it once or twice a week, you're doing great i think!
i'd like for us to make it happen that often and sometimes we do, but sometimes 2 or 3 or (gasp!) 4 weeks go by. and nothing kills even an abundant sex drive faster than pressure to put out when you don't really feel like it. i don't have any tips for the poster above that we haven't all heard. but make time for dates and find a way to communicate to your love that when you're ready you're ready. when you're not, you'll feel a lot more loving if you get a little extra sleep instead.
Posted by: sometimes love is sleep | October 19, 2010 at 04:55 PM
hmmm. i'll have to show my husband this post so he sees how good he's got it! he's certainly got a stronger sex drive than i do, and sometimes we bargain a bit for more sleep or a nice massage. it's all about contact and caring for each other's needs, i have found.
we both work full time, have four kids - including a nursing 9 mo old - and we do it (heh) 2-3 times/week.
that said, sometimes it's a bit more rushed than leisurely; we've certainly been "caught" and have to pick our times/places carefully...but i think that even adds an element of fun that is necessary because after years have gone by, things need to be a bit more creative to keep the spark alive.
Posted by: lb | October 19, 2010 at 05:07 PM
We've been married for 7 years. For the first 2 years of our marriage we did "it" EVERY DAY. When we had our first son we went to EVERY OTHER DAY for about a year. After that we went to about EVERY 2 DAYS. When our second son was born last year we went down to about TWICE A WEEK. When our second turned one... we went down to ONCE A WEEK! We've been talking recently about getting it back up to at least twice a week... now that the baby is sleeping through the night... but I'm still so exhausted... and frankly... so is he... we'll see how it goes. Glad to see we're not alone!
Posted by: E | October 19, 2010 at 07:45 PM
I feel like sex has faded into the background for us too since having kids, especially since having #2. We had been together about 6 years before having kids, so things had definitely slowed down anyway even before.
I like to try to have some type of sexual intimacy (whether intercourse or some other 'activity') about once a week, but it definitely doesn't always happen when we are extra busy or the baby is sick or teething and thus not sleeping.
When I don't feel like it but he does I try to remind myself that we will feel more relaxed and closer to one another afterwards-and hopefully during. I used to sometimes have sex even when I really wasn't interested and like an earlier poster said, that is poison for the libido. I resolved to stop doing that and it has helped me feel more into it overall. It is hard living on top of each other and raising a family together, and sex can help to smooth some of the rough edges. Honestly, even though sex is less frequent now I think the quality is at least as good or even better now than before we had kids and I think it is partly because I am more confident and more able to communicate about what I want and need since having had children. I think pregnancy and childbirth empowered me as a woman, as cheesy as that sounds.
On my positive days, I have faith that sex will come back, as the children get older and we have a bit more breathing room and regular sleep. We were joking the other day that you know you're a parent of small children if the background "music" to your sex or love-making is the hiss of the (hopefully quiet) baby monitor.
Posted by: j | October 19, 2010 at 08:30 PM
I am so happy to read these stories..I have been worried about how much we do it too. I worry if it has been over a week but also feel so tired (working with 2 toddlers)....so when we get there we will! We do it 2 times a month these days. Hopefully it will pick up!
Posted by: no po mama | October 19, 2010 at 08:30 PM
My libido is high. Even having young ones didn't slow us down much. We manage 3 to 4 times a week. I get cranky having to do without for long.
Posted by: sw mom | October 19, 2010 at 10:25 PM
Currently we are trying for #2 - so there is a lot of timed intercourse & we have been doing iuis - so all of that really has us burnt every month - since you have to have to monitor how old the sperm is and then sometimes do it a few times over the course of 24 hours - plus with our son & both of us working full time we are beat.
Posted by: marisa | October 19, 2010 at 11:34 PM
We seem to go in fits and starts. Three times in one week, once the next, then nothing for a couple of weeks. It's been one of the few longstanding points of contention in our marriage, but it's nice to see we're not alone. My hub seems to think everyone else is having more sex than we are, but it sounds like we're coming in at about average for a two working parents who've been together almost a decade and have a kid. Of course, who wants to be average? We're both in firm support of improving our stats ; ) Now that our little one isn't so little, it's really more about us making the time and effort (and him laying off on the nagging about it. Such a mood killer).
Posted by: me | October 20, 2010 at 07:39 AM
like lb, i think my hubby needs to see this post. we have a very active sex life. my husband though, thinks we should have sex EVERYDAY and 3-4 times during the week is not nearly enough. Having full time jobs, one child, afterschool activities, meal prep and finding time for ourselves can be a bit challenging but we work real hard to keep the romance alive after nearly 20 yrs. together.
Posted by: sue | October 20, 2010 at 08:50 AM
Oh, my gosh. Full-time working parents with toddlers have sex as frequently as once or twice a *week*? That's a whole lot of lovin' in my book. And some husbands out there are actually COMPLAINING about this amount of action? Hoo boy. Judging by the frequency with which my friends and I did it back in those baby/toddler years, these fellows don't know just how good they've got it.
Posted by: back in the groove | October 20, 2010 at 09:09 AM
I'm with back in the groove, and I can't imagine I'm the only one. Our current stats: 3 days in a row on a kidless vaction back in June. And very little since. Granted there have been seemingly non-stop business trips for one or the other of us since June, but we often go a month or more between opportunities for intimacy. And I am really truly okay with that.
Posted by: less can be more | October 20, 2010 at 10:35 AM
As I learned from my entire sex life pre kids, sex doesn't equal intimacy. When we didn't have kids, we "did it" 4 times a day. Now? We can go for months without doing "it," but do come together intimately in other ways. It's just what works for you and your family time/schedule/energy level.
And this is yet another discussion that annoys me. If I wanted to worry about my sex life, I'd talk to my partner. Or a girlfriend. Stop putting these thoughts in my head of "am i doing -this- or -that- the right way???" Don't we all over think things enough as it is?
Let's stick to simpler topics.
Posted by: Eve | October 20, 2010 at 10:49 AM
eve, if the discussion annoys you - why participate? i certainly do talk with my partner (and occasionally a friend) about sex. but i appreciate a safe and relatively friendly forum where all sorts of topics come up. when i'm not interested in one - i don't read and respond.
my experience is that for both of us, the drive and the energy for sex is widely variable. sometimes we're at it a lot, other times we seem to go for weeks. as far as planning dates goes, we've discovered that having morning dates and staying home (having the kids go out with somebody for a few hours) are the best for gettin' busy. date nights find us as exhausted as any other night in the end.
Posted by: jojo | October 20, 2010 at 01:45 PM
As long as it's respectful, why not talk about the tougher stuff here? Personally, the anonymity is helpful for these sometimes hard to talk about topics.
My husband and I are doing it WAY less frequently than we used to, and we've actually just identified it as a pretty big problem because neither of us seems interested and we're both kind of waiting for the other person to make the move and no one's doing it. We've decided to go to counseling because obviously there are some deeper issues. Over the course of ten years, we've gone from doing it every day (first couple years), few times a week (next few years) to once every 2-3 months. Not good. Although, when I talked to my doctor about what I think is my lack of libido, she told me that women's libido is reported to be lowest one year after the birht of the second child. Which is exactly where I am, so that was actually kind of reassuring. But given that (I'm tired, I work hard, two small kids, yada yada yada), I kind of feel like my husband needs to make the overture effort, set the mood, give me something to respond to. Instead I just feel unhappiness from him that it's not just naturally happening anymore...
Posted by: tired by 9 o'clock... | October 20, 2010 at 02:24 PM
What are you all drinking to have these high sex drives?
Are you having full sexual intercourse or just fooling around time?
I can honestly say that we didn't have a lot of sex before our children. (Maybe once a week.) We are lucky if we have sex once or twice a month now. Between two small children and running a household I am spent. I am exhausted day in and day out. Too tired to initiation. Sex is on the bottom of the to do list. And before that could happen, I'd need to change the sheets, shower, shave my legs, get the kiddos asleep and stay asleep and somehow get my body back into shape.
Posted by: low libido here | October 20, 2010 at 04:13 PM
Regarding the second poster form the top. If you are making plea bargains for sex, are doing it out of guilt or to appease his complaining, I worry that you are not respecting yourself and you are teaching your partner that he doesn't need to respect your boundaries. In a healthy relationship both parties should be able to say no without worry of repercussions like him being in a bad mood, being aloof or manipulating you in order to get sex when you don't want it. This can definitely teeter the fine line of emotional abuse. I've totally been there with this with an ex...
Posted by: Been there | October 20, 2010 at 07:30 PM
my husband should read these posts! he'd love to have sex at least once a day, it usually happens 4-5 times/week. with 2 toddlers and 2 full-time jobs, it can be a challenge, but it's sure a great way to reduce stress!
Posted by: busy mama | October 20, 2010 at 08:24 PM
I guess im kind of with eve...all due respect, but reading all these posts its clear that there's a wide range of normal-so after I've read all the posts i think 'who cares?'. Seriously. The only other conclusion would just to confirm that i'm just as normal as the next person. Otherwise if there's a problem i'd get counseling. But really,if im only having sex once a month and i read a post of some who does it 10x a month,so what?
Posted by: jjswirl | October 20, 2010 at 09:35 PM
I think it is a great topic and am glad it was posted. Nice to know I am not alone in being exhausted and all touched-out much of the time AND to be inspired by those mamas who are making time for sex and enjoying it!
Posted by: Jennifer | October 20, 2010 at 09:48 PM
I am SO glad to see this post! We have a 15 month old and rarely have sex. This is a hugely sore point in my relationship because my partner consistently puts me down about it and tries to guilt trip me into getting it on, which doesn't work: feeling pressured makes me want to run, not take my clothes off. Parenting has been extremely exhausting for me and at the end of the day, I really feel like settling in to some "me" time with a book rather than having sex only to make my partner happy. I have tried to alert him to the reality that most couples have sex a lot less upon the arrival of children, but he point blank refuses to accept this as true. Any ideas how to navigate this sticky situation? ANY been there done that advice would be very much appreciated!
Thanks all!
Posted by: SE Prude | October 21, 2010 at 11:07 AM
I find I have to remind my husband that I (many women?) can't just "turn on" like men tend to. I can't go from reading thousands of Thomas the Train stories at bedtime to being a hot mama in 5 seconds. I need a period of emotional intimacy with my husband before I can get physical. Wine together, a little conversation NOT about kids, a little massage, and then I am good to go.
Once I reminded him of this fact, it has become a routine for us. It takes more time and commitment on both our parts, however, so sex for us happens once a week, if we are lucky. But it seems to be enough for us.
Posted by: SJ | October 21, 2010 at 11:57 AM
We rarely do it. Very rarely. Which is sometimes okay with me and sometimes not. Foreplay for me would be him putting the kids to bed and doing the dishes, maybe even throwing a load of laundry in. When I'm doing all of that every day, I really don't feel like getting intimate with anything other than a book. For husbands out there who may be reading this - listen up!
Posted by: anonymous | October 21, 2010 at 01:30 PM
I made my husband read these posts because sometimes I think he's envious, thinking that other people have sex more than we do. And sometimes I feel inadequate that I'm not interested more often. But you know what? It was really helpful to see that couples' "normal" ranges quite wildly. And mostly, it's more important to look inward and consider what feels ok to the two of us, but sometimes that outward perspective, checking in with other ordinary folks, is super helpful.
One thing that I've come to realize over the last couple years, (after 14 years together--why did it take me so long?), is that sex is very different for the two of us. And I don't mean in the physical sense. But my husband wants to have sex in order to feel connected to me, and then feeling connected makes him comfortable with talking and hanging out. I want to talk and hang out in order to feel connected, and that makes me feel comfortable having sex. So we can get caught in a chicken and egg situation. We're better about escaping it now than we used to be, though.
Thanks for raising the topic. I don't think anything is off limits here, or that we have to stick to child-rearing issues all the time. Like I said, it's nice to check in with other ordinary folks and hear people's perspectives.
Posted by: Janice | October 21, 2010 at 02:04 PM
We are at 1-2x a week and I think that is almost the right amount. I think 2-3x a week would actually be best for both me & my partner. When we go over a week without it, I miss it. I have to say that I do exercise on my own, without my partner also, on a very regular basis.
I appreciate this exchange of experiences. I don't think it is "overthinking" anything. I am not comparing myself to anyone else, thinking "oh, I should have sex as much as sw mom" or whatever. No one here is suggesting that their sex frequency is the "right way" or best way.
Thank you all for sharing.
Posted by: o | October 21, 2010 at 02:20 PM
Janice, I love your second paragraph--the chicken/egg situation indeed!
Our frequency really varies--depending on work busyness which also varies for us. It can be multiple times per week, or it can be once a month. The once a month stretches are invariably more difficult times in our relationship (again, though, chicken or egg? difficult b/c of less sex or less sex b/c of difficult?). My partner is not the type who's constantly pawing me, but for both of us, we feel way less close to each other if we're not having decently regular sex. A few years ago (soon after arrival of #2 kid) we had started to sometimes go months without and that was a real low point. I started to see how clearly tied our marital well-being was to our sex life.
This is why I sort of think that for me at least, it is good to just go along with it even if I'm not in the mood at first. Sometimes I get in the mood along the way, sometimes I don't, but the results--the sort of generally happier feeling we have around each other the next day--are worth it. I realize this kind of attitude could be seen as a slippery slope toward coerced sex which is never okay. But it doesn't feel that way for us/me.
One more confession--about a year ago, during our work "low season," I proposed to my partner that we try daily sex for a month. While we didn't quite make it, it was a lot of fun and a good way to mix things up some.
That said, I know couples, and think this seems like a great idea, who basically have an every-Saturday-night policy. At least that avoids the problem of that whole being on different pages and being surprised by a request for sex when all you really want to do is catch up on sleep...
Posted by: m | October 21, 2010 at 03:09 PM
Thanks m for posting some suggestions. I would love to hear more suggestions about how to get in the mood. I have a demanding business and am a relatively new (year and a half) mom to an older adopted child. We have been together for 16 years and for much of that sex was a priority and something we did several times/week until our daughter came. Now it's once a week to once a month. We have the chicken and egg problem too - he feels closer when we have sex and I feel turned off by his constant pressure and want to just curl up with the cats instead! How to get in the mood instead of feeling like sex is just one more obligation to take care of someone else's needs (I am a health care provider)? I know so many male/female couples have similar dynamics - how do we get around i?
Posted by: R | October 21, 2010 at 06:12 PM
my suggestion for getting in the mood? you know, if you want to feel it but you're just not feeling it? go ahead and curl up with that good book. just make it some erotica instead of whatever best-selling novel or parenting advice book it might have been.
Posted by: happy to read in bed | October 22, 2010 at 09:14 AM
I was so thrilled to see this post! My husband has had a hard time adjusting to my lower than before kiddos came along libido (it was very robust before!) and it has been the catalyst for many a fight. He has even shared our "problem" with others (family members, friends)- it's been BAD. Anyhoo......I get the tiredness, the unsexiness of being a mama, working or stay at home. I have found something that works for us- we set a date. Wednesday night I take a yoga class till 8:30 pm, he bathes and puts the kids to bed, I come home from a great practice , which actually makes me feel sexy (yogis, don't you agree?) and even if I'm dog tired when I get home, we do it. Sometimes, I really get into it, sometimes, not. But it makes him thrilled, makes the bitterness go away, makes it worth it for the both of us.
Posted by: Amy | October 22, 2010 at 03:29 PM
I think one thing I've worked on for years is to respect my husband's need for sex as an honest, real need. Just because it's physical doesn't make it less important than my need to sit down and talk. Once I put it in that perspective, once he explained for the millionth time how lonely and sad and anxious he feels when we don't connect physically, I started to have a new sympathy for him. I really try to value sex even when I'm tired, etc. And when I value it, I prioritize it better, and it happens more often!
One thing that helps me cope with the difference in our timing (him more, me less) is to realize that sex doesn't always have to be the whole shebang of both of us naked in bed reaching an orgasm together. If I'm not feeling like that, sometimes I'm still willing to give him a hand job (we have a joke about "hulu and a hand job"), a blow job, sex that's just for him and doesn't have an orgasm for me as its goal. I resisted this move for a long time because I thought it would objectify me, make sex just about him and me just the means to an end. But it really hasn't turned out that way. And it keeps him from feeling so unloved and depressed. Of course, my kids are 11 and 6, so I'm past the worst of the infant and toddler years. The problem now is that by the time the 11-year-old is asleep, so am I!
Posted by: j | October 22, 2010 at 05:24 PM
Don't want to repeat what's already been said so I'll try to brief:
1) thanks for posting-it does help to know we're in the average range- I will definitely show this to the hubsters.
2) when i've said no too many nights in a row, i remind myself that as soon as we "get going", i really enjoy it and am ALWAYS happy we did it
3) it keeps our relationship out of danger. we're not only business partners in this life and yes, there are chores upon chores and i actually joke sometimes that i've checked sex off the to-do list, but it keeps my man happy....and happy parents make for a happy-household.
4) whisky makes ya frisky.
Posted by: j | October 23, 2010 at 08:55 AM
I just (3 weeks ago) had a baby so perhaps this isn't the right time to comment. However, sex has been an issue for a long time now. We were "doin' it" every day before I got pg with my now-2 year old. It was like the pregnancy changed everything - he basically stopped pursuing me and I had to initiate every encounter - something that turns me off honestly. I like to feel wanted, desired - its part of what excites me. When you feel like your hub is having obligatory sex with you (esp when you're preg and feel fat & unattractive as it is) it takes the wind out of your sails. Any discussion I tried to have with him about it ended poorly, as he would flat out deny not being attracted to me pg though it was obvious. Then after I had our 2 yr old it took awhile to get sex back on track again - it was a slow start, mostly because it was painful for me for a long time (c-section, breast feeding). Then last winter, things really picked up - and I was glad thinking, "at last". And then in feb I found out I was pregnant....the result of all our resumed lovin'.......and sex died again. And here we are.....now I need some time to recover but I can't help but feel hurt about it all over again. I wish we could just be intimate without the sex that I can't really have right now but I don't know how to do that anymore. The other night the babies were both alseep and I wanted to just make out with him - just make out, fool around a little bit - connect - but I didn't know how to start it. So I didn't. Its a bummer because I do love him/desire him but now I don't know how to tell him that anymore - esp when I just feel really rejected. I suppose he'll want me when I'm skinny & able again - but how long will that be?
Sorry for the long whiny post. I needed to get this out though so thanks for listening.
Posted by: anonamama | October 24, 2010 at 10:39 AM
Ladies. All of this whining about sex. If men wrote this column it would be a completely different story (thank god they didn't!). However, as a mom of a less-than-two-year old, I get it. We are too tired and busy, and honestly too often underappreciated for sex. However. Men are different, as we know. They need sex more than our tired asses do. So, hate to say it, but put out and enjoy it and shut up with the complaining. Teach them how to cater to mamas and do it more often. OR, become a sad divorce stat because sexual needs became so avoided there was no way back. Seriously. This is how divorces are made, even with beautiful kiddos...we eventually find it somewhere else.
Posted by: realmom | October 24, 2010 at 10:41 PM
All I can say is the "whisky makes ya frisky" comment made me literally laugh out loud. Nice one! :)
Put me down for once a week (IF both kids nap mid day on a weekend) and call it good.
Nice to know I'm not out of the "norm".
Posted by: rebecca | October 24, 2010 at 11:07 PM
Men are from mars and women are from venus in the bedroom... is an informative read that talks a lot about "the chicken and the egg" and how men open up after sex and women like to connect before sex. It really addresses the differences between men and women- emotional and physiological differences. Check it out, it will enlighten you and your spouse. It helped us understand each other's needs a bit better.
Posted by: no po | October 25, 2010 at 04:27 AM
The post linked below was actually really helpful for my partner and I. We were going on *gulp* six weeks without doing "it," when we were at nearly once a day before the kiddo was born. Tragic. Anyway, maybe you folks will find it helpful.
http://2000dollarwedding.com/2010/09/ideas-for-overcoming-sexual-frequency.html
Posted by: BKC | October 25, 2010 at 10:18 AM
I too laughed out loud to "whisky makes ya frisky", thanks :)
I feel like I'm the opposite of the stereo-type here. I want to have sex more than my husband. He needs to feel close and connected in order to have sex and I want it in order to feel close. I get hurt/resentful that he isn't "like other men", and it's easy for me to go to "he's not attracted to me anymore" and become passive-aggressive. I am very aware of the double standard here, if the roles were reversed I would find it very un-cool to be resented for not putting out.
What I have come to realize is that my desire for connection through sex comes from insecurity on my part and pressuring my husband to reassure me doesn't work (not to mention icky feeling for both of us). When I am more directly communicative and come from a softer place, the sex naturally occurs and is fufilling for both of us. Then we both feel close and loving and appreciative.
Posted by: j | October 26, 2010 at 02:58 PM
Perspective is key, I think. With young children, sex can become just another chore. I know it can for me, and who wants to do chores at 10:00 at night? But when Grandma comes to town and DH and I get a hotel for two nights... I firmly believe couples need to constantly work to make space for intimacy amidst children, but I also think that both partners need to be realistic. It won't be like this forever. Relax, look at porn, masturbate, whatever it takes, but don't make it into something it isn't.
Posted by: Relax | November 11, 2010 at 08:57 PM
Great comments...any mom's out there with kids in the say, 8-12 years old range, whose sex life has reemerged after a dry spell in the toddler years? i really wish sex was a higher priority for me than it is right now with 1 & 4 year old girls. but i STRONGLY agree with the other posters who said you better put out to meet your husbands at least basic needs or you will find yourself alone. Men (and women) find a way to get their needs met, whatever those needs are...its instinctual.
Posted by: Ann | December 14, 2010 at 08:50 AM