Talking to kids about others with disabilities and differences
Now that I'm a relatively experienced mama, I've lost the anguish felt the first time a child under my care ever stared and pointed at someone who looked differently: whether because of darker skin, an obvious physical disability, or other not-typical appearance. I've learned to respond with equanimity or avoidance when appropriate: "Yes, there are a lot of different people on the bus!" or "Sweetie, let's use our quiet voices please." And what to do when a four-year-old kindly, loudly asks about "the old lady over there" when you suspect she's only middle-aged? An urbanNanny asks:
The 18-month-old girl that I watch has been crying every time we are near a person in a wheelchair. These experiences on the Max or in a coffeeshop we frequent are likely the only times she has seen a person in a wheelchair. When the crying happens it appears (by the look on her face) that she is scared, so I have been talking to her about how it is okay, that the person uses a chair to get around and that she uses her legs or a stroller. I'm not sure how to best handle the situation so I would love to post this as a discussion topic to get advice.
I've often subscribed to the "tell as much of the truth, as simply, as you can and leave it at that" philosophy -- she's using that tactic admirably -- but when a child is visibly or audibly upset by a different-looking stranger, what do you do? How best to balance the child's own needs (is she unusually sensitive and empathetic?) with your desire not to hurt another human being's feelings?
When my first was old enough to notice and ask/comment we were in line with a man in a wheelchair at Fred Meyer one day. I don't remember if Anders asked me about it, or if the man just noticed Anders's curiosity, but this lovely man struck up a conversation with us about his wheelchair. He explained to Anders that he gets to travel in this special chair and that he can go really fast and do really cool tricks and stuff. I will forever be grateful to that man for his incredibly positive attitude, for his enthusiasm, and for showing Anders that there was not anything wrong with him, he simply travels in a different way than we do. There have since been many questions and lots of discussion about why some people have to use wheelchairs, and differences in our bodies, but I have always been grateful that such a positive foundation was laid by that one interaction.
Posted by: Leah | February 08, 2010 at 09:59 AM
I'm alsways in favor of some "bibliotherapy." There are loads of children's books about people with disabilities and many even tailored to just this problem (fear of wheelchairs). Ask your librarian for some advice on good books.
Posted by: AKP | February 08, 2010 at 12:36 PM
My grandmother is paraplegic, so my 4-year-old has grown up exposed to life in a wheelchair. We talk about it, and I've explained that Grandma's legs don't work properly, so the chair helps her get around. I use this same explanation for any kind of physical disability: we speak loudly to Pop because his ears don't work properly, a person uses a type of cane because their eyes don't work properly, etc. I like this approach because it shows that the tool each person is using is just that, a tool. It doesn't diminish the person in any way.
FWIW, when she was little, she was afraid of (only) older, black women. It was embarrassing, especially since we have lovely neighbors who fit that description and who were always asking after "the baby". I just continued to bring my daughter over to them (while holding her, if need be) and one day she just got over it. I don't think she even remembers that earlier fear now.
Posted by: Strongrrl | February 08, 2010 at 01:38 PM
Ive been following you mama's for a few years.
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Posted by: Shelly Mossey | February 08, 2010 at 05:05 PM
There are usually wheelchairs in the lobby of hospitals. Maybe you could take her there and sit on with her ... let her explore it at her own comfort level?
Posted by: Crystal Goostree | February 08, 2010 at 06:23 PM
This is such an important topic - our school is bringing in a speaker on this topic, and hosting a workshop for parents and staff. We are continuously hearing questions from children like "why do all the basketball players have darker skin than me?" or "why does that person not mind being called "tall" but they do mind being called "fat." ?'
Posted by: Madi | February 08, 2010 at 07:11 PM
I tell my 4 y.o. that people come in all shapes, sizes, colors and abilities, and that's what makes the world interesting. Wouldn't it be a boring place if everybody was the same?
This mostly satisfies her, but when she encounters a new difference, I sometimes struggle with how to address it in the moment, while she's staring at the person and inquiring loudly and innocently. I try to tell her that it's natural to be curious, but to remember to speak quietly and not hurt the person's feelings.
Posted by: fujiyama mama | February 08, 2010 at 09:00 PM
We talk to our son (our daughter is too little right now, but we will when she gets bigger) about how everyone is different, like the previous commenter mentioned.
Also, we talk to him about not commenting in front of people about a difference he notices, that it can be taken the wrong way, even if his intentions are good. And if he has any questions, once we are alone, he can ask me anything he wants to. So far this is working well for us, and he understands that things that he says can be taken the wrong way and if he has any questions he is free to talk about it.
Posted by: Amber | February 08, 2010 at 11:45 PM
I talked to my sister-in-law (who's a 3rd grade teacher) and she helped me find some excellent books on the subject...that really helped!! Bibliotherapy is great... talk to a teacher or librarian to find some good books.
Posted by: Jillian | February 09, 2010 at 07:19 AM
Just wanted to make a statement as a woman of color myself. Maybe we can try to engage our children (as many of you already do) on the subject BEFORE they encounter someone different (or at least as they are encountering the different looking person) instead of "Sweetie, let's use our quiet voices." I know it wasn't meant out of malice, but when we encourage children to whisper about different people who may be a different shade or have physical differences in other ways, we unconsciously imply that there is something wrong with them that we need to whisper about. There's nothing wrong with noticing differences. Talk about them. What about beginning the conversation at home instead of waiting for the "dreaded" conversation? I'm sorry, but this hits quite close to home. Why is it so scary to talk about black people? So many of you aren't afraid of the sex talk when your kids are older so why are you afraid of the "differences" talk early on?
Posted by: anon | February 09, 2010 at 09:54 AM
I think the hushed voices are not about a taboo topic per se - at least for me - they are about talking about another person. Nobody likes to be talked about, especially when they can hear it. And it's kinda touchy answering a child's questions honestly, while still trying to keep in mind that the subject of the conversation is within earshot. You just never know how somebody will take things, even things meant innocently to answer a child's question. For instance, if a child says somebody has a fat bottom, when that person is very obese, a parent can't just say "no they don't" - that wouldn't be honest to the child. Older children can be taught not to talk about people in front of them, and they are usually successfully in keeping their comments to themselves. No so with younger children.
Posted by: Anon | February 09, 2010 at 10:39 AM
I'm interested in how you mamas talk with young children about people with cognitive disabilities. We have a friend with a teenage daughter with Down Syndrome. My 5 year old is starting to wonder why her friend seems like she's 5 years old when she's actually 19. I'll have to check out some books to address this topic, but wondering how other parents have approached the conversation. I think physical disabilities can be a little more clearly and concisely explained than less visible disabilities.
Posted by: Toots | February 09, 2010 at 03:46 PM
I think it is important for you yourself to reflect on what you know about people with disabilities in order to talk to your children. Most often your children begin to reflect your values or mirror your responses to people with disabilities.
I teach Early Childhood Special Education in an integrated classroom of children with and without disabilities, what I find is that children are just naturally curious about each other and when they have questions they ask. Just this week one of the children asked why another child the same age as him is not talking. I simply said, "He isn't talking because he cannot but we together are going to use signs, pictures, and words to teach him to communicate. This child then used the same explanation to later explain to one of the teachers why his friend wasn't talking yet, and he also explained that he wants to help his friend talk and asked if he could help. Children ask wonderful questions that are honest and pure and I think what is important is that our answers are honest and pure and mirror the values we want to teach our children.
If you would like to hear an inspirational speaker on the subject, Kathy Snow is coming to town.
Kathie Snow presents…
February 6th 2010, 2:33 pm by Jen (RLC Chair)
Disability is Natural and Other Revolutionary Common Sense
Kathie Snow is a parent, author of Disability is Natural: Revolutionary Common Sense for Raising Successful Children with Disabilities, and a national speaker who challenges conventional wisdom, and promotes new attitudes, new actions, and common sense in the disability arena.
Whether you are a parent or professional, Kathie will provide a thought-provoking and exhilarating experience! There will be a daytime (4 hour) presentation and an evening (2 hour) presentation to accommodate all schedules!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2010
UNITED WAY COMMUNITY CENTER
619 SW 11TH AVEUNE, PORTLAND, OR 97205
Registration is required
Please email christy@factoregon.org or call (503) 708-3986 with questions or to complete registration.
Parent stipends available!!
Interpretación al español disponible si lo solicitan.
10:00am-3:00pm
(includes light lunch)
Registration Fees:
Professionals: $25
Parents: $10
6:30pm-8:30pm
(includes refreshments)
Registration Fees:
Professionals: $10
Parents: $5
Posted by: Nicole | February 09, 2010 at 07:16 PM
I copied he Kathy Snow info from this website
http://www.nwdsa.org/index.php/news/
The Northwest Down Syndrome Association is a wonderful resource.
Posted by: Nicole | February 09, 2010 at 07:18 PM
Kathie Snow is a great speaker on this topic!
Friendly FYI to the parent that uses the term, "their such and such does not work properly." should probably be rephrased to "works differently" for this reason. Kids with disabilities don't always know they have a disability until other kids come up to the parent and say, "What is wrong with him?" and how awful to have your own parent then actually answer the question that you are "wrong". You can google something called "person first language" to learn how to talk about these sensitive topics. For example, wheelchair bound is considered disrespectful as well as mentally challenged and Downs kid etc. Person first simply puts the person before the label so they are a person in a wheelchair or a person with Down Syndrome. Focus on people's strengths and give them positive labels like artist, into music, good at Uno...people with disabilities do not hear enough genuine compliments about their skills. From a cultural perspective there are differences: Deaf people and some Autistic people do not like person first language because they consider themselves a minority group with a hearing/brain difference that simply requires societal modifications. Sign language has all of the rules and regs of any other spoken language and Autistic people can use pictures or technology to communicate. The R word has been in the spotight lately and for sure people with disabilities hate that word and their is legislation to remove it from clinical language too.
Posted by: Stephanie | February 09, 2010 at 10:10 PM
I must acknowledge improper use of their for there :)
Posted by: Stephanie | February 09, 2010 at 10:12 PM
As a mother of a five year old boy with both cognitive and physical disabilites what I think is amazing is that I get to raise my son in a time when the general public if very accepting and curious of my son. I love it when children and other parents ask me questions, I would rather someone ask me a dozen questions then give me a cold stare when my son is acting in an unusual way. I dont know if it is because we live in Oregon where we are very open-minded people but I love living in a state where I can take my son out pretty much anywhere and not feel that my son is being judged. In addition we have several restaurants, shops, and grocery store employees who have made a point of getting to know my son and always being very helpful and understanding when he melts down. In terms of talking to children about people with disabilites I would recommend talking to them about how some people work differently. There is a book called "Its' okay to be different" in the Todd series that is great. It talks about size, color, adoption, etc. and it is simple for kids to understand.
Posted by: Lisa | February 10, 2010 at 12:18 PM
My 2 year old has a slight physical disability and I have to agree that I much prefer it when people - kids or adults - ask questions than when they stare and back away to talk about him in whispers. This might change, however, as my son becomes more aware of what people say.
Most kids are just curious and when differences are explained in a matter-of-fact way, not as if there is something to be talked about in secret, they tend to forget about the differences. I just act as if it's the most natural thing in the world to have been born a little different and most of the time the kids follow my lead.
Posted by: Anon | February 10, 2010 at 05:17 PM
UrbanNanny here- thanks to everyone for the discussion! I will be headed to the library and will visit the other resources shared.
Posted by: UN | February 11, 2010 at 01:39 PM
From a cultural perspective there are differences: Deaf people and some Autistic people do not like person first language because they consider themselves a minority group with a hearing/brain difference that simply requires societal modifications.
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Posted by: Ergo Baby Carrier | February 25, 2010 at 06:04 AM
this topic is brilliant, i must read books so that i can shared some resources.
Posted by: chairs for the disabled | July 11, 2011 at 11:51 PM