When strangers touch our babies
Sometimes it is hard to keep our eyes off the cute youngsters we meet. But what about our hands? You just want to reach out and touch them. An urbanMama recently emailed sharing a couple of recent incidents that made her wonder: how do we deal with strangers wanting to touch our babies or pregnant bellies? Has it happened to you? How have you responded?
We all know that babies are irresistably cute, but why is it that some strangers feel entitled to touch them? I had a lady ask to hold my one-month old, and although I politely declined, at least she had the courtesy to ask. Yesterday, on a downtown street corner, a man reached across with his (none too clean-looking) finger and tapped my baby on the nose. I was startled and angry but didn't know how to react besides crossing the intersection quickly to get away. When it comes to pregnant bellies or little babies, how do you deal with strangers who want to get too close and personal?
I find that babywearing really helps minimize this. If your baby is in a sling on you a stranger is much less likely to get that close to you, than if the little one is in a stroller. Of course some people still reach in but I have been able to quickly and politely step back.
Posted by: Jessica | July 15, 2009 at 09:22 PM
I never worried about it, and the situation that you described wouldn't bother me. I want to encourage my child to feel connected to others. I'm always perplexed when my son walks up to another child and says, "Hi, what's your name? do you want to play?" and 7 out of 10 kids look at him like he crazy and take off running back to their parent. I think we need to instill a sense of intuition about who to trust, but I personally believe it's more unhealthy to discourage innocent interactions from one human to another than it might be to be touched with a finger on the nose. This is of course assuming that the child is in general good health.
Posted by: Cindy | July 15, 2009 at 10:32 PM
Even though grubby fingers on baby noses always grosses me out, I love the way babies connect people who would otherwise completely ignore one another. I enjoy delighting in a baby with another person. When someone comes up to me to talk about my Tiny I feel grateful that we can have a positive human connection. And then when that person leaves, I grab a wipe and clean off that precious baby nose! But I wouldn't trade the interaction for anything.
Posted by: Betsy | July 15, 2009 at 11:00 PM
i feel that 95% of the time this is great - yes a way to connect with each other - as a society Americans are so touch-phobic its disturbing. once, i had a creepy lady approach my son but it was clear as day he knew her energy was off. Children know.
Rather than shield them from everything, bad and good, we should teach them to follow their inner instincts.
Posted by: Christine | July 16, 2009 at 07:30 AM
I agree with Cindy and Betsy on this one, these types of encounters have never bothered me. I love that my pregnant belly and small babes have touched other people enough emotionally to compel them to stop and chat or reminisce about their own lives somehow. These are positive, human interactions and I think we need more of them in our world today. I am more concerned about my boys getting sick after playing in the disgusting ball pit at My Gym than after getting a pat on the cheek or tap on the head from a stranger. When Henrik was 8-9 months old we were in line at IKEA, and there was an older man and his adult daughter in line near us. We chatted a bit and Henrik held his arms out to the man to hold him. The man was so pleasantly surprised to be able to hold a baby he nearly had tears in his eyes. His daughter smiled at me and commented that this would surely make his day. He held Henrik for only a few minutes but he handed him back to me and thanked me for sharing my baby with him. It was a nice moment and everyone walked away happy. He's the only stranger who's ever held one of my kids, but Henrik put his arms out to this man and I was comfortable following his lead and happy to share some of my joy with another person.
Posted by: Leah | July 16, 2009 at 07:36 AM
I am trying to be aware of my daughter's limits with others touching her. For her, it takes months sometimes for her to feel comfortable enough with people we know and spend a lot of time with to let them hold her or hold her hand, or even talk to her. I guessing that as a baby, she probably felt just as uncomfortable with strangers or even people she knew. It was hard to gauge. I feel that it is an individual preference per child or parent, but I do agree that it is appropriate for strangers, or even family members, to ask before touching, picking up, hugging, or kissing a child that is not familiar with them. And now, with my 4 year old, for sure I do not force her to hug or kiss anyone, even grandma, when she is expressing she does not feel comfortable.
Posted by: Debby | July 16, 2009 at 08:50 AM
Well, I responded my almost hitting people who touched my baby. I didn't mean to, I am not that kind of person. It only happened a whew times thank goodness. I think that to prevent it you can usually use your eyes or body language. As far as reacting it is already done so not much you can really do.
Posted by: Native_Momma | July 16, 2009 at 11:21 AM
I, too, never minded so much when people touched my baby. My son was easy going and happy and it made people happy to interact with him. I found that others were far more germophobic about my babe than I was. (He's 15 months and except for one short case of pinkeye at 11 months has never been sick.) Really, even if someone with sort of dirty hands touched him, I didn't bother that much with it, but maybe washed him up a bit with a washcloth or baby wipe when the person was gone. In the long run, it's good for our children to learn to interact with others and it's also good for them to not be overly protected when it comes to germs, bugs, etc. If your kid is breastfed, especially, he or she will be fine with a little touching. Of course, if your baby is nervous about others being too close, then you might have to set limits and ease her into social situations. Best to you, and however you choose to deal with these situations. When it comes down to it, it's how comfortable you feel about these things that matters most. :) (The belly thing never bothered me, either, and now that I'm starting to show again and wearing summery clothes I guess this is a good thing!) :D
Posted by: Secret Mommy | July 16, 2009 at 11:47 AM
It takes a village to raise a child. In Africa, the wait staff at a restaurant may pass around a baby while Mom eats. My baby has brought me so much closer to my community, and I really appreciate that because community has never been so important. I agree with Christine, that children pick up vibes and act accordingly.
Posted by: Barb | July 16, 2009 at 12:56 PM
I never had an aversion to someone wanting to touch or hold my baby. I felt happy about it. I have friends who were quite protective / possessive of their babies so I am aware that there is variability in this feeling. I just could never relate. And, if the baby is happy with being held by the person, I'm not sure why a mother would be entitled to deny the experience.
Posted by: Joan | July 16, 2009 at 02:33 PM
I think I offend people for the opposite reasons. I'm not touchy/holdy with the bambinos.
I love my own child, and other children in my life, but I am not a "baby person". I'm unlikely to ask to hold someone else's baby, or to be "touchy" with a baby. I've had coworkers and acquaintances who seemed offended that I wasn't more interested in participating in "pass the baby".
I think I also offended people when my girl a baby by not offering her to other people to hold. I just wasn't good at recognizing cues, and because I was never itchy to get ahold of someone else's baby, I'd forget to offer. Unless someone asked outright, it just wasn't going to happen.
My daughter is now almost 12 and is open, friendly and appropriately affectionate. And LOVES to hold and touch babies!
Posted by: Sheryl | July 16, 2009 at 03:22 PM
I have to agree that I am not all that concerned with people touching my 11 month old daughter. She's a pretty, quiet baby and people are just naturally drawn to her. I love that babies have the ability to make people so happy. It's wonderful to see her interact with the older women we meet in the grocery store or mall.
I am also don’t think about germs most of the time… okay, almost never. I remember childhood as being inherently messy and don't dwell on it with her. I'm one of those mothers who will hand a toy back to her that she threw on the floor.
That being said, I rarely offer her up to be held by other people because she doesn't like it. In those instances, I just explain that she is a very reserved, serious baby and she wouldn't like it. No one has ever responded negatively to that. Maybe because I make it about her preference (which it is)?
Posted by: Karina | July 16, 2009 at 05:22 PM
Hi, Original Poster here. I think that perhaps my initial post was misinterpreted. I am all for the 'village raising a child' and am thrilled to have my baby held by neighbors and friends and to strike up conversations with strangers about babies. Some of these interactions result in special, shared moments, and some even lead to friendships. What bothers me is when a person does not even ask or give you the chance to decide if you or your child feels comfortable with the situation. People have different levels of preference when it comes to personal space and it's only common courtesy to determine what that is before you reach for someone's child. My daughter naturally takes quite some time to warm up before she becomes happy and chatty with a new person. When she was a baby, a stranger came up and put his face right up to hers. She had never seen a big beard before and she burst into tears. We laugh about it now, and of course, no harm done, but at the time, why couldn't that man have respected our space?? So what I wanted to ask with my original post was: how do you communicate, politely but firmly, that someone is making you or your child uncomfortable by presuming that just because you have a belly or a baby the common social norms about touching no longer apply? I don't go around petting other people's dogs without permission or rubbing the tummies of overweight people, do I?
Posted by: OP | July 16, 2009 at 05:23 PM
I think if we observe that something someone else is doing is having a negative impact on our child , it is our responsibility to intervene. Our little squirts cannot advocate for themselves and need us to help them by protecting their space and giving them the vocabulary they need to hear and learn to be able to eventually let others know, very directly, when they do not like something that is happening to them.
I think being honest and direct is always the best policy and you can know in your heart of hearts that you are sharing an honest observation. You can't really worry too terribly about the other person's response because for example, if you said something like "That makes her feel uncomfortable," one person might be completely apologetic and understanding and another might respond with complete indignation. The bottom line is what you said at the end of your post. We as adults wouldn't just walk up and put our hands on a perfect stranger. I don't see why kids as human beings, deserve any less respect.
Posted by: Amy | July 16, 2009 at 06:42 PM
I remember when my oldest son was about 5 and he had just had some dental surgery and I was sitting with him on a bench in the waiting area of the hospital. We were waiting for my husband to bring the car around. My son was so groggy and I was just holding him and trying to comfort him when this old man came up and said, "He's so cute." I just said "thanks." The man would not go away and he just kept staring at him and saying over and over how cute he was. It really gave me the creeps and still does to this day. I hugged my son really close and said, "He isn't feeling well." I gave him this look like get away now before I get vicious. I agree that we need to respect and protect our children's space when necessary.
Posted by: Heidi | July 16, 2009 at 07:53 PM
Last summer I was playing outside our house with our almost three-year old, and a guy crossed the street, came toward us, stopped and crouched down to chat with him. Something seemed weird about him but I couldn't place it. He looked normal, clean, but...
He reached out and too-firmly grasped my son's forearm and it freaked me out... it wasn't friendly and was overly forceful. I was too stunned to say anything, I just put my hand on my son and pulled him toward me. The guy walked away, and as he did, I saw him takeout a can of aerosol spray and huff from a towel. He was really high.
So while there are well-meaning people who just want to rub his head (which I don't mind, especially if they ask), I would defer to one's judgment in the situation at the time and personal preference. I'm all for the village raising the child, too. Not everyone belongs in the village.
Posted by: Suzame | July 16, 2009 at 08:39 PM
Suzame, haven't you ever heard of the village idiot???
Even though we need a village, we can't always choose who is going to be there! :)
Posted by: Debby | July 17, 2009 at 08:53 AM
there is always going to be the random "off" individual who you would rather keep their distance from your children but overall one should embrace & encourage the gaps that these young souls can fill.
the majority of intentions when approaching your little ones are good. remember that. my mother was always on "high alert" when it came to strangers' interaction with me as a child and it hindered me. i grew to have "stranger anxiety" and was constantly in fear that one day i may be hurt and/or kidnapped. it took me years to conquer this fear and re-learn that the world is full of goodness & grace.
lastly, i often find that the elderly reach out to babies and small children out of loneliness and the mere reflection of when their own children use to be young, fresh, and innocent.
Posted by: tg | July 17, 2009 at 08:54 AM
Recently a woman at the farmers market let her preschooler touch my baby's face (without asking). I know babies are a draw, but this woman must know that preschoolers are germy. When she has been outside or just eaten, I make my own preschooler wash her hands before touching her siblings. Why would I expect less from strangers?
Courtesy requires people ASK before touching you, your children or your things. That way you can decide what feels comfortable and what does not.
Posted by: nonlineargirl | July 17, 2009 at 09:50 AM
I just want to say that I have always been very outgoing. When I go out with my sons we are always friendly to people and when they were babies I most definitely appreciated the sincere kindness of strangers. I really welcome social interactions with the world and if you ever saw my two boys they are most definitely far from shy and they say hi to just about anybody. However if my children seem leery of somebody I trust their instincts and respect them.
Posted by: Heidi | July 17, 2009 at 11:35 AM
I have watched an old lady with a walker nearly break her leg making a bee-line across the parking lot just to pinch my childs cheek. And an homeless lady with Terrets syndrome suddenly relax when she peered in at my baby.
I am not going to go ahead and invite them in for tea --- But I am also not going to interfere with that magic.
Posted by: lea | July 17, 2009 at 07:20 PM
I don't think there's much you can do other than to be aware of who is around you and what they are doing in proximity to you. I am very particular about people touching me, and I know once my baby gets here I will be even more cautious when it comes to total strangers, especially sketchy or dirty grubby types. I have only had one person so far reach out and grab my tummy but it was done in a rather polite way during conversation, so it wasn't creepy. I think it also depends on a persons approach as well, and someone who takes liberties with a stranger just because there is a different circumstance is just rude. Its like people shoving unsolicited advice down your throat.
Posted by: K | July 17, 2009 at 10:20 PM
This has been a fascinating thread about the wonders that can happen around babies and childbirth, and certainly has me rethinking. I am expecting my first in this fall, and do not like people touching me. while it's only happened a couple times from well intentioned co-workers, i do plan on touching other people's bellies right back. i get that people are attracted to what is going on and there is a primal fascination that will no ever go away. I'd like to see what happens if the connection is reciprocated. And yes, if my instinct says something is truly amiss, the belly touch back will change into a step away, a firm statement, or a firm hold on an approaching forearm.
Posted by: Stacy | July 18, 2009 at 05:42 AM
It is a wonderful thing when seeing a baby can bring out a smile in someone, or the sight of a pregnant woman can incite friendly conversation. But it is entirely different when a complete stranger, uninvited, touches someone's child or a woman's pregnant belly.
If it makes you uncomfortable, then being honest and straightforward about your feelings is the best thing to do.
Don't beat around the bush, because you'll find that many people won't "take the hint". It's possible to be polite yet firm.
My daughter is two, and has always had "stranger danger" reactions to people she doesn't know. I will converse with people, smile, and include my daughter in the conversation, but I make it very clear to people that my daughter does not appreciate strangers getting too close to her.
I never had strangers touch my belly while I was pregnant. I am now pregnant with our second, and it has yet to happen with this pregnancy, but if it did I think my reaction would be based on circumstances (who is doing the touching). I wouldn't be shy about telling people I had "stranger danger" too. :)
I have heard other women using the line "you can only rub my belly if I can rub yours". Trying to make lite of it with some humor may help you say how you feel, without feeling as though you'll come off too harsh.
Posted by: K.S | July 18, 2009 at 09:03 AM
I'd like to throw out another perspective, and that is from the mother of a very shy almost two year old. My son was a fussy, did not even like to be held by his grandparents-type baby, and I had a handful of occasions where friends of my parents expected to partake in "pass the baby" and I felt uncomfortable because I knew he'd start wailing as soon as I passed him over. Invariably, I ignored my son's temperament to please these well-meaning grandparent types and my parents (who were wanting to show off their grandson), and every time he'd burst into tears and the "holder" would ask what was wrong with him... "Is he tired?", "Is it gas?", etc. Now that he's a little older, he's fine with his grandparents and people he knows very well, but if I or my husband is in the room he'd still rather stick by us. I find, unfortunately, that now instead of making excuses about how he's a fussy baby, I have to constantly tell people that he's shy and not to expect him to talk them. I get a lot of "Does he talk yet?" "How can I make him warm up to me?"-type questions. He's outgoing and very verbal at home, but will only speak to others if he has to or he knows them very well.
I'm at a point now where I am putting my son's temperament and respecting his comfort level before pleasing friends and well-meaning strangers, although this isn't always easy. Has anyone else dealt with shy little ones, and how do you handle explaining to others the shyness without making your child feel self-conscious (as he now understands/overhears adult conversations)?
Maybe we'll have a bubbly easygoing baby second time around, and I'd be happy to play pass the baby with him or her, but in the event that he or she is like big brother, I think I'll be more prepared to respect my baby's wishes and personality.
Posted by: Shybabymama | July 19, 2009 at 09:10 AM
I actually had a woman I just met scoop my 67 month old boy from my arms! The woman and I were chatting, I turned to look over my shoulder and POOF he was out of my arms!! I couldn't believe it! I immediately took him back and ended the interaction abruptly. I did not fear that she would hurt him, but her audacity was astounding to me.
Posted by: Sally | July 19, 2009 at 09:13 AM
I think that making siblings wash their hands before they touch one another is a bit too extreme...infants have a natural immunity to most common germs and siblings live closely together in any case and cough, sneeze, spit, and breathe in the same household areas....
Posted by: Marsha Johnson | July 20, 2009 at 12:11 AM
Part of this is very cultural, for example in many Latino communities it is rude NOT to touch someone's baby, especially if you give them a compliment. We have so loved traveling with a little guy because of all of the people that we meet based on the universality of having and raising children.
Posted by: Jen | July 20, 2009 at 08:18 AM
I have no problem quickly moving my child away from people and saying "oops-we dont want to get you sick!" I dont mind the sweet grandmas,just the creepy guys who have no reason to touch my kid.
Posted by: Heather | July 20, 2009 at 03:12 PM
I agree that this is cultural and some people don't realize it's frightening for parents or expectant mothers but I'm with Heather, There are good ways to handle such situations. I'm pregnant and now obviously so.. I don't even want my best friend's Dad rubbing my belly. It's still my body and I get to say who touches me. But still, I bit my toungue. Maybe not in the grocery store though. Becca
Posted by: Rebecca Binford | July 20, 2009 at 04:56 PM
Do infants really have a natural immunity to most common colds and such? I just had a baby 10 days ago, and in there are signs posted *everywhere* in the maternity wing saying that visitors should wash their hands before holding your baby.
Posted by: SJ | July 21, 2009 at 02:26 PM