Seeking support for a partner
Many of us are in lifelong relationships, and our roles as mamas and papas must fit in with our roles as supporters, confidants, best friends, and significant others. An urbanMama recently emailed, seeking suggestions for supporting her partner:
I am wondering if any urbanMamas can offer advice or ideas for how to support a husband who has hit a particularly difficult and rocky patch. My husband has been struggling for months (and even off and on for years) with some general dissatisfaction regarding his life and his career. A lot of it stems from a job that he doesn't like but he feels trapped in for financial reasons. Some of it could be a version of a midlife crisis. It has made him very difficult to be around at times, and I am having a hard time not taking it personally when I feel like he is unhappy with the life we have built for ourselves (while I am more or less satisfied with how things are going). I know he loves me and our two girls (ages 2 and 4), but I am struggling to be patient with this particularly depressed, angry, miserable phase that he is going through. Aside from marital counseling, which I am sure we could benefit from, how do I help him day to day when I am trying to juggle my own work and home demands? Any insight?
I really don't think it's up to you to help him, and I know from experience that you can kill yourself trying to fix things, because nothing that you do is going to make someone else happy. It's an old cliche, but people have to choose their own happiness. As unnatural as it may seem, I would focus on yourself and your needs. I would go to individual counseling. I say this, not judgmentally, but from a place of experience with this exact situation - choosing someone and staying with someone who is miserable may indicate some sort of issue with yourself that you could use help sorting out.
Posted by: Candice | July 26, 2009 at 08:44 AM
I find myself in this exact situation, although the sadness/anger seems to be cyclical with my guy. I just try to remind him that I understand he hates his job and that it does suck, but that he won't be stuck in it for ever. We have a deal that when the economy gets better I will get a job (I'm a stay-at-home mom) and he can take some time to look for a new job or go back to school. I also stand up for myself and my kids and let him know it is not OK to take it out on me or our kids by moping about all the time. I try to remind him how much we love him and how much we appreciate that he goes to a job that he doesn't like, and that the kids and I love our little life even if we don't have lot's of money/nice car/fancy house. I think that helps take some of the pressure off.
Posted by: anon | July 26, 2009 at 08:55 AM
I agree, for the most part with both posts. It also sounds like he needs counseling. Sometimes the mire becomes too thick, and you can't find a way out of it. It sounds like both of you would benefit from individual counseling to sort out the major issues each of you has, as well as joint counseling. We are going through a rough patch as well (is it in the air?) and sometimes it takes a third party to help. Good luck.
Posted by: Charlene | July 26, 2009 at 09:01 AM
I could be your husband, and at times my DH could be him as well. What helped me...
I did take a 4 day vacation by myself (just went to Grand Lodge) to decompress and figure out what I wanted.
I felt trapped because my job offered the health insurance and other benefits because DHs didn't. When his finally did, that gave us more flexibility.
Because I was unhappy and we had a financial cushion (and could get benefits via DHs job), I turned down a promotion, went to PT (thought just laid-off) and started taking classes that could lead to a career change.
...and I also recognize when I'm really stressed and depressed and if exercise doesn't help, I'll go to the doc. A few yrs ago very low-dose meds helped a lot until I could get some stress removed from my life and get to a better place.
If your budget allows for him to look for another job, take classes, quit and do contract work, etc (or even take extended vacation), just let him know the options are there and let him think it over.
Posted by: lynnor | July 26, 2009 at 09:09 AM
I've been there too. In our case, the cyclical sadness/anger at the job was discovered to be mild bi-polarism (i.e. recurring depression). Medication is a good thing! and has allowed my husband to come to terms with what frustrated him about his job. It's amazing how much more you can "cope" with in life when your energies aren't directed towards keeping your head above water, metaphorically speaking.
Posted by: anon | July 26, 2009 at 12:44 PM
My philosophy on my marriage (and life to some extent) is Change or Die. I believe if we're not in the process of growing or evolving or whatever, we're just on the road to dying. If my husband decides to not change or make himself happy, it's his choice that is his and only his to make. It might mean that we can't be a family anymore, but it's still a choice.
Posted by: cc | July 26, 2009 at 01:09 PM
http://www.shauribunch.com
She's an excellent counselor - very pragmatic, which is what we needed. She helped my partner understand where his depression stems from and after trying other options, pointed him in the right direction to get meds.
From my own experience, I much prefer dealing with these kinds of issues together as a couple rather than individually. We obviously can't force others to change and we're certainly not responsible for our partners' happiness, but part of making a commitment to a partner is to work together on finding solutions.
Posted by: allison | July 26, 2009 at 01:28 PM
I can totally appreciate the place the OP is in. My husband has had similar struggles, and I think they’re totally normal emotions we all go through. We wake up from time to time and think “really, is this what my life is? It is so not what I was wanting!” It takes awhile to work through that, and I think there’s a lot we can do as the partner to someone struggling with it. For me, I have a tremendous appreciation for the fact that my husband gets up everyday and does what he needs to do for our family, even though he doesn’t always want to (I think he appreciates me doing the same, but you would have to ask him!). On a bad day, I just gripe and complain about how he’s behaving, but on a good day, I do my best to be sure he knows how much I appreciate this, by telling him so on a regular basis, by showing him, and by being the kind of person he wants to come home to at the end of the day. I also give him a lot of space to talk about the things he wants different in his life, and I make it important to our family that he do those things. When we come up against real limitations, we talk about that and remind ourselves of the temporary nature of things and how/when we might be able to do things different. I also provide a pretty clear reality check when needed, and this has sent him to the doctor for medication and therapy as needed over the years. I should add that, in return, he does the same for me.
On the other hand, I’m writing this while sitting next to my male co-worker (also a father to two young children and of similar age). He says the husband needs to join a gym, take up golf, go to a shooting range, shoot pool, bike, run, etc. He advises that over therapy saying that what helps him is something to look forward to at the end of the day besides work and family. I guess this makes sense given that my husband struggles less when he bikes to work instead of driving!
Posted by: kim | July 26, 2009 at 03:51 PM
Wow, you describe almost exactly what I went through about 7 years ago. Husband: miserable, hates job, feels trapped, poor economy, newborn baby to provide for. Me: unemployed, trying to make the best of things, desperate to find some solution to make him sane and less furious all the time.
For us, the first step was him getting on meds. Depression runs in his family and for the longest time he rejected any idea of antidepressants since it made him feel like a failure, unable to deal with life's struggles.
Since spouses are unable to even schedule an appointment with a shrink, I had to give him an ultimatum: that he start counseling/meds or I leave. I was miserable and walking on eggshells every day around him, when I should have been enjoying every aspect of a new mother's life.
Do what you can for your husband, but always remember yourself and what's best for you and your little ones. I think that individual counseling for yourself can help you through this rough time.
Posted by: Cathy | July 26, 2009 at 08:37 PM
My husband/family too. Seems like this is an all too common issue in families. I know we're not the first ones to go through, and yet mostly it is all the female partners seeking help. I think the hardest part about this struggle for the guys is that not only do they feel trapped but, they certainly can't talk to anyone (peers, counselor, their own father) about it because...well they're guys. Regardless of how metro/in touch/sensitive i think my husband is, he still lives in a culture that frowns on men communicating about this stuff, or reaching out for an extended support system. How often do the boys go out for coffee and just talk about their lives, troubles, feelings, job, events, etc? I know some men do it in their own ways and some more than others.
It would be nice if they had some forum or venue like this (U.M.) for reassurance that they are normal and can be healthy people. I know anytime I am wondering about my own, or my kids latest trial, after my own mother, this is where i come for advice or reassurance. Is there and Urbanpapa out there who is brave enough to start a "coffee" (maybe it would have to be beer instead) group or at least an Urbanpapas online forum? I think my guy would be more likely to start there, since its mostly anonymous. A forum where they could go and be free to vent about their lives, jobs, mother-in-law, wives, kids, whatever. I know the closest my own husband ever gets to that is either from his online bike forums or my own forwards to him of posts about how similar our ______________ situation is to the one on the latest urbanmamas post. "look honey, we're normal. Or "look honey, here's an idea for us to try", etc. Tell me the rest of you don't do the same thing. "look here's a post about how teething, co-sleeping, toddler blues...these other people have the same problem and here's what we might try." Why does it have to be us that seeks the help? I don't mind doing it really. But I think if my husband had his own source for these things with a guy kind of spin on it, not only would he feel less isolated, but he might feel less bombarded with urbanmama's forwards from me. I know he would appreciate a little less "nagging" from me - even if I think its actually really well intentioned.
Posted by: jane | July 26, 2009 at 10:31 PM
I would say what your partner is going through is completely normal and that it happens to most people in middle adulthood. There is a theory about it (Erik Erikson) and even books and movies have been based around this stage, like Revolutionary Road. The conflict seems to come as a result of fear of leading a life that is meaningless. What has worked for us, is acknowledging this stage, communicating and supporting each other in making changes in our lives that will bring us meaning (i.e. going back to school, traveling, learning a new language, starting a new activity/sport). That has worked for us, but others may seek counseling and medication. Knowing you are not alone in this may help relieve the stress.
Posted by: jenna | July 27, 2009 at 10:57 AM
Totally been there; as the cranky husband with a patient and supportive wife that is.
I have some thoughts on this but you know yourself, your husband and your situation better than anyone else. So please take my thoughts on this as nothing more than what they are, comments from a stranger on a blog. And with that intro, here we go!
1. Make sure you are supported. Relieve your own stress and concerns by talking it out with other folks and not neglecting activities that support your own well-being (hitting the gym? Keep hitting it). With regard to talking, this could be sharing your own thoughts and feelings in confidence with family or friends and/or initiating counseling for yourself to gain some additional, objective perspective and support.
2. Make time for just you and your husband away from the kids and the house. Family life can make it challenging to find the time to connect uninterrupted as a couple. Speaking for myself, I sometimes don’t realize how valuable simple, unfettered time with my wife (during daylight and evening hours versus “everyone is in bed and we are tired time”) is for my well-being until I haven’t had it for a while.
This time doesn’t have to focus on a “big conversation” or be elaborate in anyway, it can just time to be together. If making time is stressful, try to look at your schedule creatively and claim even short periods to be together - maybe a breakfast or a coffee date is what works best for your schedule, maybe a walk in the neighborhood while the kids are at a playdate, etc.
3. Let your husband know what you are feeling. You say you are feeling unsure of how to provide him support, let him know that. He may have ideas on how you can help, or he may not. But just being reminded of that you care about him and that you are not ignoring his current struggle never hurts.
You say that you are satisfied with the life you have built. Talk about some of the specific aspects of your life together that you really value – your children, your affection for each other, your friends and neighbors, your home, shared experiences, interests, and so on. He probably feels the same way about these things and may be forgetting that his time away from the job he dislikes is actually very rewarding; moreover that is it something meaningful that he has helped create.
4. Help him connect with something old and/or something new. Is there some interest that he enjoys that he no longer has time for? You can help him plan the time to do it. Is there something he has always wanted to try? Taking a whitewater rafting trip, running a marathon, attending a writer’s workshop, etc. Again, you can help him plan to get that experience.
Is he connecting with friends sans fam at all? Coffee, beer, playing pool, hiking with the friends, whatever? If it’s not happening, talk with him about how can it happen.
As a final point, you should also talk about things you wish you had more time for and/or your own desires on trying something new and your own needs, etc. For instance, in your original post, you mention couples counseling. If this is something you think you should pursue, than you probably should talk to your husband about it – if you haven’t already.
Good luck and peace.
Posted by: Tony at Milagros | July 27, 2009 at 01:02 PM
I would consider calling Fred Coler. He is an outstanding psychiatrist who specializes in couples counseling. I am a therapist and have been to several therapists in the past-his skills far exceed any other therapist I had ever seen. My husband and I went to him for 2 years on and off and it was unbelievably helpful. He is super, super kind and genuine. His number is 279 9004 and he is downtown. Good luck.
Posted by: Jennifer | July 27, 2009 at 05:58 PM
Just listen. (If he'll talk.)
Posted by: k | July 28, 2009 at 12:22 PM
Interesting topic. I too have a husband who is unhappy with his job and who carries this dissatisfaction over into the rest of his life. Like other posters I am pretty happy with my life - working part time at a job I love, spending my other days with my toddler. I feel like my husband uses media to fill the void of a meaningful career but his media time keeps him from developing a plan. And with the current economy it is a challenging time for transformations. I do believe in sticking together and being supportive, but also giving space when needed. Just knowing I'm not the only one with a grouchy, underemployed husband is comforting I guess.
Posted by: cg | July 28, 2009 at 11:10 PM
I agree with much of the advice offered above- this is a pretty normal experience, individual and couples therapy can help, and you can only be supportive. Couplehood works in part because one person can be strong in a moment where the other can't, but that strength does not give you the power to pull him out... only to be supportive, offer resources, and maybe even take on some of his work temporarily while he works through his struggle. Men sometimes struggle with the cultural expectations tied to being a breadwinner and feeling stuck. Sometimes a career change is necessary, but sometimes just a new perspective goes a very long way. I'd suggest that you also consider counseling for yourself as a way to figure out how to best care for yourself, deal with your stress and frustration about the situation, and make some choices about how to support him. He may be less available as a support person for you right now, and it may serve you both if you have outside person to support you.
Melanie
Posted by: Melanie | July 29, 2009 at 11:06 PM