Oh, TV, how do I love thee?
Let me count thy ways! I love you when it's 5:45 am and all three of my children are awake and I've had not more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep all night. I love you when I'm trying to put my youngest down for a nap and the two boys are a t each other's throats. I love you when I've spent 11 hours straight with all of my children and am trying to get a dinner for them on the table while willing my husband to walk in the door from work.
But in all seriousness, this mama is trying to reduce her TV-dependent ways. I feel fine about the content (mostly PBS and Noggin), but on any given day, my kids could get 90 minutes of television given the scenarios above. Something that I'm not sure will actually harm them, but it causes me more guilt than I'd like, so we're weaning ourselves off the boob tube. Mamas, how do you deal with moments like the ones above where a parent might be tempted to just turn on the electric babysitter?
if only it worked for us in those scenarios...my older one ends up asking questions about EVERYthing he sees (when I really need peace and quiet) and my younger one tortures his brother for space on the couch. Is there something besides TV? or drugging your children? (joke) :)
Posted by: Kristin | June 23, 2009 at 10:21 PM
We get too much TV in too. One thing I do is watch a show with her in the morning then whatever the theme is we try to kinda go with it all day.
I only have one kid, but like when I am cooking dinner if the characters were making a fort I'll make her a fort first and talk about camping and the noises while I am cooking and encourage her to go in the fort. Your older ones might be able to do that while your putting the LO down ?
@ Kristin lol there are video game haha just joking
Posted by: Native_Momma | June 23, 2009 at 11:00 PM
we have a tv but only for movie watching. we just dont do it. im a single mama and my son gets some tv at daddys house but thats more than enough as far as im concerned. i play music a lot and have mini"dance parties" with him, even if it means 30 seconds of hopping around the living room in between peeling veggies. Morning time I try to involve him in the coffee making process even if its merely grumbling each step that mamas doing. Singing, telling stories, coloring, or letting him help are the only things that really work other than laps at the park. Trust me it hard either way. If you need the tv as a tool and not a replacement parent Im sure the kids will turn out well adjusted and loved all the same.
Posted by: jen | June 24, 2009 at 12:51 AM
i've got 3 kids, same situation, and what you describe is a necessity here as well. when i am that tired, i just don't care about an hour here, an hour there. same here, pbs or noggin. i have no idea what things used to be like, in the olden days or when i was younger, other than we were outside by ourselves. alot. can't do that now...the front is off limits unless i'm there and they get crazy noisy in the backyard if they're cranky, then i still get nothing done and stressed out to boot. so when you have things to do and they just don't give you a moment to catch your breath, they've been *creatively playing* all day, i like to let them *relax* a bit and watch a show. they sit quietly and appreciate it much more when they don't get it all the time.
Posted by: shannon | June 24, 2009 at 02:08 AM
We're a no-TV house. An occasional Angelina Ballerina clip on Youtube is pretty much all our 3-YO sees and that's rare. Our 15-month-old has never seen TV or a video. When the kids are getting to each other (or to us), we make suggestions: Play Tinkertoys, play dress up, get our your tea set, get some stuff out of your craft cabinet. Or we pack up and head to one of the three parks in our neighborhood and let them play their hearts out. One tip for lowering everyone's temperature: Get on the couch with a couple of books. That works wonders at calming them down. And me, too.
Posted by: pdxdad | June 24, 2009 at 04:23 AM
ditch the cable or converter box. if you have to actually go pick out a dvd to put on, you'll think about it more. Sometimes, a dvd is what you have to do though! (And yeah, once they can read things get much easier!)
Posted by: sarah | June 24, 2009 at 06:30 AM
we try to turn on the music instead of the tv but there are times when i need the distraction for them (trying to do the dishes or cook dinner in the kitchen which has no view to the living room) and every night at 7:30 it's Yo Gabba Gabba for my 4 & 2 yo which gives everyone a chance to unwind and relax before the bedtime routine starts.
Posted by: mars | June 24, 2009 at 07:41 AM
We don't have a TV, but we do watch DVD's on our computer. Our son is 2 and DVD's are family cuddling time, or when he's really sick and feeling yucky we put in something like Thomas the train. When I have something to do either he helps and we do it together or someone else is engaging him (I cook dinner while he plays with Daddy or one of the neighbor kids!)
Posted by: Kristi | June 24, 2009 at 07:58 AM
I also worry about much TV is too much. But I also find it funny that so many of my friends (many of them childless) proclaim themselves TV-free but then use the internet in their home multiple times a day. For me, the "purpose" is not that different. Either way, I am checking out for a little bit. Some of the internet use is useful, but not all of it by a long shot. Who doesn't waste time online? Given my internet use, which is generally short email/facebook checks, several times a day (still screen-time), I would feel strange denying any TV or movies to my daughter. Like do as I say, not as I do, i.e. it's okay for mama to veg out in front of the screen but not you.
Like Sarah, (above) we also don't watch TV via cable or digital box, but we do have DVD's that we own and rent from netflix for ourselves and our two-year old daughter. I also buy shows for her from itunes like Sesame Street and Teletubbies, which she then watches over and over. She watches something most days, often in the late afternoon when everyone is tired and needs a break from dealing for a while.
Because of not watching regular TV she tends to watch the same programs many times, which hopefully diminishes the seductiveness of TV somewhat for her. So to the OP, changing the content to make it less interesting to your kids might be a way to wean them off TV a little bit at least. We show her nature programs too, as these don't hold her interest the same as traditional children's programming. They will find other ways to occupy themselves-hopefully doing things that are not going to make you pull your hair out!
Posted by: jd | June 24, 2009 at 08:11 AM
I try to keep TV to a minimum, but since we're a generation of moms that often doesn't have aunties or grandmas nearby to help, it's often a blessing. I totally support going without TV, but the bright side of TV is that it can be a learning tool and actually help them with career choices down the road. Would it be that bad if kids ended up wanting to be writers, producers or animators? :) There's also a huge difference between giving yourself a break with TV and using TV to ignore your kids.
Posted by: Jillian | June 24, 2009 at 08:12 AM
We moved our TV upstairs, out of sight, out of mind. I have this hierarchy of play in which creative play without toys is at the top of the list by using the most imagination and tv is at the bottom using nil. The kids don't watch tv everyday, but I do feel like if they have used their minds a lot that it is okay to veg out in front of the tv a bit.
Posted by: bghali | June 24, 2009 at 08:14 AM
We didn't convert to digital and my kids have come around to the whole "well, the tv doesn't work anymore" frame of mind. We did get a subscription to Netflix, which allows instant downloading of a bunch of shows/movies, and I like having that in my back pocket if need be. In my head it's much more involved to actually go to the effort of choosing a movie, loading/putting in, whatever, that I really don't do it as easily or as often as they could just turn on PBS. It makes me think about alternatives a lot more. In my opinion, until it's really gone, you won't realize that you actually can do without it.
So, our alternatives....books on tape. The Multnomah County Library is part of the Library2Go program and you can instantly download tons of audiobooks. We can then all listen to it while I'm cooking dinner. Sometimes it involves drawing while they listen, but that's okay. I don't know if yours will go for that, but my boys will sit and listen to all kinds of things, even though there's no picture. My oldest actually loves listening to audiobooks on my ipod, and I've been loading him up with great stuff (all the Henry Huggins he could want!)
We also do some online memory games, or other learning games. There's all kinds of free sites. I usually have to be around for that because sometimes he can't get the computer responding the right way. It's still screen time, but it's got an educational element so I feel a little better.
The thing I find about the whole length of time on the tv is that it might need to be measured over a group of days. If we watch a 90 minute movie, we've violated the whole guideline for an hour/day. But, if we don't watch it at all the next day, it balances out. I think you're on the right track to be mindful of it, but I also don't think you should beat yourself up over it. Try alternatives, but know that you'll have to teach them how to enjoy the alternatives before they go into it willingly!
Posted by: mom22 | June 24, 2009 at 08:20 AM
We gave up on tv. Even PBS is NOT the same PBS it was 30+ years ago... My kids watch a dvd for 30 minutes per day, while their papa exercises and I cook dinner. It's usually a science or Jewish dvd. I also like being able to control the content via dvds. As orthodox Jews, 90% of what's on tv just doesn't support or reinforce our lifestyle!
Posted by: alpidarkomama | June 24, 2009 at 09:06 AM
I got this book, Unplugged Play, it has some great activities in it. It is split up into age appropriate, individual, and group activities. I've found to that if I spend a little time with my son before I jump into my cooking/cleaning tasks then set him up with something to do by himself it's much more successfull. Although three seems like it might present a whole new set of challenges!! Good luck.
Posted by: beth | June 24, 2009 at 09:18 AM
Neithe my husband nor I had TVs when we met, so we never had to go through getting the kids off it. But OP, I so feel for you, especially with that 5:30am scenario. I can totally understand how TV seems like your only ticket to sanity. If I had one, I'd be right there with you.
All I can say, as someone whose kids have grown up without it, is that they did learn to entertain themselves early on. Hang in there.
Posted by: zinemama | June 24, 2009 at 09:24 AM
I've been all over the map on this one .... no tv, then too many dvds and itunes shows. Our TV has been "broken" for a long time, and now that we haven't converted, it really is. (I personally hate the commercials of regular tv). Right now, my son isn't much interested in watching movies or shows, and I must admit that sometimes I wish he was!
Posted by: kathyT | June 24, 2009 at 09:38 AM
I'm right there with you OP. Our kids spend about 10 hours/day outside, playing creative, imaginative games with me, each other and neighborhood kids, skating, biking, gardening, painting, building...etc. They also read for an hour at bedtime or we read with them.
But, when they wake up an hour before me or when it's that ugly afternoon hour when they need a serious break, I find that they need time to chill. Of course there are many ways to calm down and relax...our kids don't always choose tv - maybe a book or a puzzle. TV is an option, though, and through our guidance, they've learned to make good choices from the options available (no cable here!). They've learned quite a bit from the choices they've made, and if they're not engaged, they simply turn it off.
I've developed a softer line on TV watching over the years, thanks to my husband's input...I was always the "bad guy"... However, I've learned to TRUST my kids' instincts about their needs. Clearly, it takes frank discussions about the effects of watching too much -without demonizing the television. There is a lot to be learned through interaction with that form of media, and some kids learn better visually.
Posted by: leslie | June 24, 2009 at 09:44 AM
i like the books on tape/drawing idea.
Posted by: jd | June 24, 2009 at 10:01 AM
I second Mom22's vote for audio books or audio stories. My son is 3 and has enjoyed listening to books on CD since about one and a half. Even without the book to look at, he enjoys just quietly playing with a couple blocks or even just sitting on the couch snuggling with a stuffed animal and staring at nothing while the CD plays a story. They always include music and fun sound effects and there really are a lot out there at the library. We sometimes even get a full 45 minutes of down time with this!
We do watch some TV and DVD... probably about 1-2 hours a week. Usually during that cranky post-nap time when he doesn't want to do anything else, or when I have to put my 11-mo old down for a nap and big brother needs something to occupy him... but I do wish sometimes that he didn't even know what TV was yet...
One more thing I've done that really intrigues my son is let him listen to a couple of songs on ITunes on my laptop and run the visual effects. I'd feel weird about letting him watch it for extended periods, but that psychedelic stuff, with some soft music, really appeals to him...
Posted by: Cheyenne | June 24, 2009 at 10:09 AM
We watch TV, but we've got a lot going on that precludes a whole ton of watching. I've got a middle schooler, who last week had a rare bunch of (unsupervised)downtime and who went a little (um, a lot) overboard watching (and rewatching--ugh) a show on Hulu. After looking at the browser history, and seeing the number of hours she'd spent glued to the screen, I was TICKED.
Before I could confront her about it, she walks in the door from the library with a stack of books--books that the show was based on--that she couldn't wait to start reading. There are a total of 10 books in the series (at 600+ pages each) that she hopes to complete by the end of summer.
We still had the talk about NOT spending excessive blocks of time in front of the screen--any screen--but I wasn't nearly as angry as I had been before seeing the stack of library books.
Posted by: Sheryl | June 24, 2009 at 10:25 AM
Our TV is "broken" as well, but usually we don't watch anything but videos/DVD anyway. Now it is serious princess movies, but usually just when I am in the shower getting ready for work, or at night occasionally for some wind down or if a friend is over and they need to chill. We spend a lot of time out of the house so it's a good distraction, but when we are at our friend's house, who has cable, there is a lot of Noggin and Sprout action going on! So I guess it's considered special TV time, and that's ok. But she sure does get cranky when the time comes to turn that darned thing off for dinner!
Posted by: Debby | June 24, 2009 at 10:36 AM
Our TV is in the basement - out of sight, out of mind. We do have an old laptop on which we've downloaded some movies. I let my 4 year old watch a show or movie for quiet time each day while her younger brother and sister take naps. Once they wake up, it goes away, and that's it. She watches educational shows for the most part, with the occasional Curious George or Disney movie thrown in. I think it goes with everything else - moderation is key. If they aren't sitting in front of the tube all day, a little isn't that big a deal, especially when it gives mama a chance to cook dinner, or to do other things related to taking care of the family.
Posted by: mummytothree | June 24, 2009 at 12:52 PM
My kid watch plenty of t.v., and you know what? It's o.k. It's their down time, just like me using this computer right now is mine. Don't beat yourself up over this issue, unless you have kids that literally don't move out of the screen's range all day long.
Posted by: k | June 24, 2009 at 01:03 PM
If your kids are old enough, you could try instituting a "quiet time" every day after lunch. Old enough could be anything from 3 on up, I would imagine, depending on the child and their tolerance for independent play and such. Quiet time at our house means each kid is in a room alone and can play or draw or read or dress up or nap--quietly. When I was a kid, it was always for an hour after lunch in the summer time. When I started it with my son, we did 15 minutes, then 20, then a half hour, etc.
The quiet time routine gives the parent time to put a younger one down for a nap or have some alone time/work time, plus it gives kids a break from each other. We usually have fewer fights in the afternoon if they've had a quiet time.
Posted by: Janice | June 24, 2009 at 02:06 PM
We too use quiet time, but that is exactly when the TV comes on. On the weekends when the little one is taking a nap, our 6 year old takes some time on her own to watch a movie. This gives me a chance to take a nap, or read the paper or else gives my husband and I some time to connect or clean the house. Exciting, I know. Our kids watch a fair amount of tv on the weekends, but we don't watch TV during the week. We have "movie night" on Friday nights and allow lots of PBSkids on Saturday and Sunday mornings. They understand the boundaries (okay, the two year old has recently been whining for tv on other days), and I don't feel like they watch too much. That said, when I am single parenting when my husband is out of town, I do sometimes let them watch tv in the evenings so that I can cook dinner or just breathe without one of them being stapled to my leg. I plan to check out the downloadable books on tape though - great suggestion.
Posted by: AHR | June 24, 2009 at 03:43 PM
I did it the hard way - get rid of my TV in 1998 and never looked back. I watch movies on my computer's DVD player from time to time but that's it. I know the little sleep kids bit but I found that handing them a stack of crayons and blank paper + coloring books, tossing them outside with some toys or the like works just as well. After all, isn't that what our moms did with us?
Posted by: Tanya | June 24, 2009 at 04:39 PM
The "quiet time" idea is interesting to me. My husband did a Myers-Brigg personality workshop one time that focused on how different types deal with stress. The presenter commented that people with his type often deal with stress by watching tv. The presenter was very specific about it being tv that was the calming activity -- not reading, drawing, or any other "quiet" activity. My husband uses internet surfing in the same way -- surfs for about an hour every night, no matter what. And I truly think he is the better for it!
So, it might also be one of those things where you gauge your kids' personality and see what role tv plays for them? Do they need 30 minutes every day where they are truly passive, uncritical receptors of visual images? You never know -- they might!
Posted by: SJ | June 24, 2009 at 05:08 PM
I found that what got rid of my guilt was having rules about when the T.V. can be on and sticking to it. I think the kids like knowing when they get to watch T.V. and when it goes off. When it was random, or at my whim, I think that they asked more and wanted it more. I don't deal with the fighting and boredom so well sometimes, but knowing that turning the T.V. on isn't an option has made me be more creative, include them in chores more and generally force them to work it out with each other. Or, they might grow up hating each other and me and I could have saved it all if I only let them watch more T.V... I do wonder about that sometimes.... Anyway, my point is it helps me to have distinct paramaters and stick to them. Then I can plan for stuff I can do (or NOT do) during T.V. time and not feel guilty about turning it on.
I also like books on tape.
Posted by: enb | June 24, 2009 at 07:12 PM
I was strictly no TV until my daughter was a little over 2 ... then I had to go back to work, and I am so exhausted every evening, I let her watch 45 minutes of Kipper while I scrape together some dinner.
But I have a question. I used to believe this idea that children are "passive" in front of a screen. But my daughter is so engaged in the stories, constantly remarking on what's going on, asking questions, laughing and telling me about what's happening, it just doesn't seem that passive to me. She appears to be really thinking about what she's seeing, and for SURE she carries the stories over into imaginary games throughout the day. (I have to be a dog with a British accent for more hours than I like to admit.)
Anyone have thoughts on this?
Posted by: k | June 25, 2009 at 09:23 AM
k - Introverts are in general "active" TV watchers. That is, they are engaged in the story, personalizing it, figuring out the whys and wherefores and carrying the stories into their own imaginative play and social interactions.
As for us, we don't have TV, thanks to the digital switch, but I'm totally fine with DVDs/downloadables. We generally save it for precisely those scenarios the OP mentioned -- and we find that some weeks, it's a TV bonanza, others not so much.
TV gets a lot of bad, bad press, but there's a lot to be said about the worlds it opens up for us, too. How many of us would ever have seen how lemurs behave in the wild without TV? Like most things in life, I think it's up to us parents to show our children how to use TV in a safe and thoughtful way.
Posted by: RM | June 25, 2009 at 10:07 AM
RM -- thank you -- this is SO interesting to me. If that's true for introverts, what about extroverts and TV?
Now this has me intrigued with introvert qualities overall -- I never thought of my very verbal, active daughter as an introvert, but she *does* take awhile to warm up to new situations, and won't talk to unfamiliar people ... hmmm. I guess in the end, she's just herself! (-: Does anyone have a good reference or book about these issues?
Posted by: k | June 25, 2009 at 10:37 AM
Try "Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child" by Marti Olsen Laney. Very interesting and helpful read!
Posted by: RM | June 25, 2009 at 11:40 AM
I saw this fantastic doc about marketing to kids, highly recommended while you decide how you want your kid to interact with the commercial world. Consuming Kids: Commercializing Childhood http://www.consumingkidsthemovie.com/ You can view the full lenght preview on the site. If you can get past the spooky music, it's really amazing the lengths marketers will go to target our kids, from cradle to grave. We watch TV in my house, but all DVDs, no broadcast TV, and we talk about how all ads try to make you feel like you're not [blank] enough so you need to buy something to make it better. You shouldn't feel bad about needing the break, and using the tool, as long as you use it in a mindful way that doesn't make you feel bad! But here's something I used to do with my daughter - put out small bowls (gelato bowls work great!) of different ingredients, sugar, water (colored if your kids are tidy enough), flour, flax seeds, etc, in a 9x11 pan. Tell them to make a potion/experiment/secret elixer BUT they can only use a 1/4 teaspoon to measure the ingredients one at a time, and to make it the most potent it needs to be stirred only with a toothpick. Sometimes I gave her the medicine dropper. Sometimes it kept her enchanted!
Posted by: Belinda | June 25, 2009 at 12:12 PM
K - I've noticed the same thing. My kids watch a lot of sesame street podcasts on the computer, and they are constantly using the messages in day to day play. One night, while she was talking in her bed before going to sleep, my three year old spelled out the word Glockenspeil and then talked about the differences between one and a xylophone. Not bad! She learned it from a podcast. I am definitely of the "use it in moderation and responsibly" camp. I also think that as a parent, you can teach your kids to think actively about what they are watching (ask them about it, raise questions, etc).
Posted by: mummytothree | June 25, 2009 at 01:27 PM
Wow...I think almost every single comment is about how the kids/household don't have or watch a tv. I think it is great so many people are doing this, but it makes me feel jealous and inferior as a full-time working mother who is unable to be there during the day to have control over what happens with my 6 month old. My husband is one of those people who leaves the tv on for background noise even if he isn't actively watching it and he doesn't think there is anything wrong with watching tv...even for a baby. Any good research articles out there or advice that I can use to show him this needs to change? I'd be happy tossing the tv out the window, but there is no way he'd let me do that.
Posted by: Lisa | June 25, 2009 at 03:18 PM
Doesn't the American Pediatric Association recommend no TV for the first months (or maybe even two years)? This info could probably be found online pretty easily. They have their reasons, which I believe include facts about what happens to kids brain wave patterns while watching TV. If you find this info, maybe it will be helpful, but if your husband has the habit of background TV ingrained, it may be very hard to change that.
Posted by: jd | June 25, 2009 at 09:26 PM
I agree with a lot of what has been said. I'll just offer what has worked for us. We didn't do any TV until recently (kids are 3 and 5). Now we'll watch an occasional movie together or youtube short. My kids like the books on tape that come with a picture book so they can follow along. They also like "reading" to each other, even though neither of them can truly read. Mothering magazine had a great article on relaxing foot baths. May sound a little wishful, but it really worked with my active boys. When things were getting a little too rowdy, I pulled their tiny chairs into the kitchen, took them into the yard to pick herbs and flowers, and made them each a soothing foot bath. I gave them a stack of books to look through, and they were quiet for 1/2 an hour or so. They loved it.
Posted by: Jennifer C | June 25, 2009 at 10:33 PM
Keep your tv. Follow your instincts, if it seems like it has been on too long or is creating a chaotic scene with too much racket turn it off. I personally can feel it when they have watched too much, the content is always eduactional around here but if they look like zombies even after 30 minutes I turn it off. Sometimes there is protest but amazingly they ALWAYS busy themselves with something else right away. I have 2 year old twins and a 7 year old and I feel lucky that they will sit and watch a show together, that is sanity saving for me.
Posted by: Lisa | June 26, 2009 at 10:31 AM
Lisa, I have a husband who often has TV on too & my son is home with him 2 days a week. At 18 months I don't let him watch kid shows, but I know he is getting his fair share of sports etc, which I'm not wild about. Once in awhile he'll actually watch it, but mostly it is just in the back ground & he is actively playing with toys not really paying attention. When he was younger we used to watch TV in the evening with him in the room, keeping him distracted, but I'm trying to cut this out. He is still around for the Daily Show on occasion - I hate to admit it. Do other people have this problem? Interesting to hear about introverts wanting to talk while watching TV. I am an introvert & always annoy my husband by talking about what we are watching. He is an introvert too, though.. so?
Posted by: cg | June 26, 2009 at 10:58 PM