Going back to work: How to cope?
Many of us have had the experience of going to work with a wee one left with a sitter or at a daycare center. No matter how old the babe, it can be quite tough, especially if we're used to being together most of the day. We have an urbanMama how emails with her bittersweet predicament:
I'm very lucky to have found a great job after months of unemployment.
However, I'm really concerned about how the changes will impact my
2.5-year-old child. We managed to maintain her half-day
preschool throughout my unemployment, but she's been at home with me every
afternoon, every sick day, every holiday since last fall. She's used to
me picking her up after lunch, our naptime routine ... etc. Now she'll
be at school for a longer day, picked up by someone else, and not
seeing me until dinner time. We'll also have much less time together in
the morning, which tends to be a highly emotional/crabby time of day
for her (thus lots of coddling and patience from mama until she's out
the door ... time I won't be able to give easily anymore). I've been
talking to her about the coming changes in a very positive tone, but
it's obvious that she's struggling with the idea. She's been crying
whenever I leave the house to run an errand, wants me to stay with her
while she falls asleep -- very new behaviors for her, as she has never
been a clingy child. To top it all off, she seems extra emotional,
contrary, and sensitive these days, probably a normal developmental
leap, but the timing is awful. I'm starting to make myself a little bit
sick with worry. Do other mamas out there have advice for getting
through a transition back to work, with a child this age especially? I
can't seem to get past this horrible feeling that I'm abandoning her,
but our family does not have the option of me staying at home.
Congrats on the new job!!!
I basically stayed home with my son his first two years, due to life everything changed FAST! He had to go to daycare 3 full days a week and it was rough. We got through it and now he loves daycare.
Some things we did to make the transition less horrible (and it was ugly for a bit)
1. We spent an afternoon together at the center. Got to know the place
2. My son Sean has a picture of the two of us, so if he is really sad he can look at it while I am gone.
3. He brings his two lovey items with him
4. At first we always got to the center earlie so I could hang for at least 15min as he adjusted and got busy playing
5. the first couple weeks I ALWAYS called to see how Sean was adusting, usually within a few minuets he was fine.
The thing about kids (nanny for 10 years) is that they will adjust and half the fit is really for you.
We are going through another rough sleep pattern, finikcy eating ting. Sean has this chapter book that is our special story (The Alchemist) and even if someone else reads it to him he will chill out!
The other thing you can do is establish your routines. We have NO time in the morning and somedays I don't get to see Sean b/c I have class right after work. So we have made lots of little rituals. As long as he has his same routine he is fine, we do it both am and pm.
Example: after school we walk, make/eat dinner, bath, read 3 stories, I rub his back.
I also get us ready at night so we basically wake up, dress, eat and go. No confusion, and if there is a tantrum or issue we can address it rather than me dragging him out the door!
Sometimes when Im exhausted I would rather stray but I know that if I do he won't function right, and that with the very simple extra things he can manage his day just fine.
good luck, I am sure you guys will make it through this hard transition!
Posted by: AJ McCreary | April 02, 2009 at 10:42 AM
OUCH unimpressed, nothing wrong with a parent looking for helpful hints on how to stay connected with their children while our adult lives are constantly taking us away from them. It's true, most families need both parents to work which makes UM's a great place to go and ask fellow parents, How do you make it work?
Posted by: Beth | April 02, 2009 at 12:08 PM
Hi y'all,
The type of comment expressed by "unimpressed", above, is unhelpful and unsupportive, to say the least. Can we get a delete, please? The posting rules specifically state that we need to treat one another with respect.
Thanks.
Posted by: Suzy | April 02, 2009 at 12:11 PM
Wow! My comment to unimpressed is that I hope your child has another positive role model to learn social graces from since clearly you are lacking. Your response was extremely offensive and I feel your anger, while understandable, is misdirected at the original poster. Whether someone has a choice or not, and from the sounds of it she does not, transitioning a child to daycare can be a heartwrenchingly emotional step and I'm really surprised that you would be so judgemental towards someone struggling and looking for support from other mothers. Did you sing and dance the first time you had to drop your child off? I imagine not.
Posted by: christie | April 02, 2009 at 12:32 PM
back to the topic - my baby was very small when we made the transition to daycare but a few things I think helped: Kids pick up on our anxiety - so I tried to portray the change as something happy, fun, positive and normal. (I cried about it on my own.) And the other thing is the routine as mentioned above. I do everything I can the night before including showering so that I can have some together time in the morning. Good luck with your transition and I hope you get lots of positive ideas here.
Posted by: Anita | April 02, 2009 at 12:53 PM
i have yet to meet a mother, no matter what strata of society they fall into, that doesn't agonize over leaving their children in the care of another. the intense bond we have with our children is the cornerstone of what unites us as mothers. it makes me angry, too, but let's fight the system and not eachother?
i think the most valuable tip, as others have mentioned, is to establish and stick with routines. children crave and thrive on routine, so the more that you can keep the same for your little girl, the better off you'll be. you can even talk to her about the new routine and provide "incentives" within it to make it more appealing to her. for example, i always have a special snack for my son when i pick him up from daycare (something he perceives as special, that is, like mango or a cookie). as hard as it might be, it helps me to think of these occasions as teaching/learning opportunities for our children to learn about being flexible and coping with change...perhaps one of the most important skills to have as an adult.
also, i've got a little boy around the same age. some days i am convinced he's been taken over by a demon, and nothing has changed in his life. so give yourself permission to release some guilt to the sadistic god of 2 year-olds!
Posted by: kcb | April 02, 2009 at 01:11 PM
Any transition with a child can be difficult and reassuring the child is a must and it sounds like you are doing a good job. My child (3.5 years) has trouble readjusting after vacations and sick days! It's probably harder for me, especially when I drop her off daily to wails of "I don't want to go to school! I want to stay with you!" It's heart breaking, but each day when I pick her up, she has had a great day.
I am a full time working single mother whose child has been in full time care since she was 3.5 months old, and I have full empathy for you. Just so you know.
Posted by: Debby | April 02, 2009 at 01:12 PM
What has been successful in getting my daughter to daycare (and now school)on time and intact for 11+ years is preparation. Everything is ready the night before--backpacks, briefcases, lunches, phones charged, keys where they are supposed to be, and we both even lay out our clothes. Our rule is "if it's not ready to go when we go to bed, it's not happening in the morning". She has always done the evening shower or bath, so all that we do in the morning is eat, I shower, and we both get dressed, brush teeth, etc. Oh, and the TV and computer are off limits. Sometimes we listen to music, but mostly we just do our thing and chat.
I will admit I have a child who does transitions very well (I'm still the one crying in the car after drop off on the first day of a school or camp, while she skips off and dives right in). But even with a more tentative child, routines and organization and, to Anita's point, don't let the child feed off of your own anxiety.
Posted by: Sheryl | April 02, 2009 at 02:13 PM
Ugh, I feel for you. We went through the same thing at the same age and its definitely tougher on the parents than it is on the kids. Our daycare was terrific though and occupied and engaged our son so well that the only troubled times were at naptime and when I dropped him off. I think making sure you have a well-fitting daycare is huge. If your child is bored there or missing you the whole day, than they aren't doing their jobs. Also spending quality time when you are together can really make up for the time apart. And it does seem that most 2 year olds go through the clingy stage whether they go to daycare or not. But overall, kids are amazing at adjusting.
Posted by: Nona | April 02, 2009 at 02:52 PM
I don't know if this will work for the first few drop-offs, but my daycare provider swears by the "quick good-bye" technique. It has worked for our son (almost 2) on the days when he is feeling extra clingy or tired or . . . Basically, it involves my spouse and I giving him a quick kiss and and "I love you!" and then scooting out the door, no matter his reaction. We have found that dragging out the good-bye when the child is upset actually makes things worse. My daycare provider says that my son gets distracted and stops crying within minutes of our departure.
Initially, it was hard on us. We felt like we were terrible parents for leaving him when he was crying. But we got passed it because we knew it actually was the best.
Incidentally, the same technique works on the days he doesn't want to *leave* daycare to go home with his boring old mom and dad!
Posted by: SJ | April 02, 2009 at 04:11 PM
I agree with others about making sure everything is ready to go the night before. When I went back to work full time 6 months ago I was determined to focus all of the remaining time I spent with my kids on them, with no distractions. It is a pain to get everything ready in the evening when all you want to do is go to bed, but it really pays off with a smooth transition in the morning. Evenings are devoted to them too, except for the time it takes for me to make dinner. It's definitely not easy, but you and your family will eventually adjust.
Posted by: Katy | April 02, 2009 at 04:25 PM
I too am going back to work and leaving my 11 month old in child care. After months of searching I found a place I am so comfortable with the people are wonderful and really love what they do and it feels like a community which makes it easier. I too don't have to go back to work but I feel like I will always wonder what if... The truth is I love being a mom but I loved my job too which was a large part of my identity and it's hard to give that up without at least trying to see if I can do both. Maybe that is selfish but I want my son to have a mommy that loves him to the moon and back and is true to who she is. If it doesn't work then at least I tried and I won't wonder.
Here are some helpful transition tips from a special ed teacher:
Visit the center for an activity just some play time.
Take pictures of the teachers(s) and environment (but not the other kids)
Take a picture of the school
Put together a little flip book of the teachers the school, pictures of his favorite things that he can take with him and the last page is you and your partner, and let them know that you come and get them to go home. Keep it simple! Also leave a family picture for the teachers to display.
Then if you can arrange 2 half days to drop them off and pick them up after an hour or two so they get the idea that you come back before it is a full day to wait.
Stay positive!!! cry in the car on the way to work or in the shower.
If you have a plan and a consistent routine that's where you start.
Being a parent isn't easy I would go back part-time if I could but thanks to budget short falls it's not an option for me.
Posted by: Nicole | April 02, 2009 at 04:57 PM
Agree with all the suggestions above, and also wanted to give you some empathy. Our daughter started full-time preschool at 2.5, after being used to part-time nanny care at home. We had the same anxieties as you and it all turned out wonderfully. She had a great transition and was eager for the opportunity to play with her new friends. Good luck and congrats on the job!
Posted by: allison | April 02, 2009 at 10:18 PM
I definitely agree with the quick drop off. My 2 1/2 year old cried every morning at drop off no matter what the circumstance (good morning, bad morning, well rested, etc). The teachers told me she stopped pretty much as soon as I was out of sight. Like she was putting on a show or something. Thanks!
The other part about drop off is being mindful of your own energy. You can reassure your child with words, but if you are nervous or tense or tentative, they will feel it and probably act more clingy in most cases. Good luck!
Posted by: cc | April 03, 2009 at 06:34 AM
These type of transitions can be so hard. In fact, we had to resort to my husband dropping my daughter off at preschool. She'd cry and hand onto me when I dropped her off. She'd cry with Dad but it was still easier to transition when I wasn't there. I now pick her up, instead.
One thing I realized is that in our attempts to "prepare" our children, we sometimes tell them BIG NEWS too early. If your daughter is having worries about what will change in her life, maybe back from talking about it. Give her the extra cuddles she needs but don't discuss much about you going back to work and her how her life will change. Start talking about it just a few days before you return to work.
Ditto, too, on trying to get organized for the morning routine. We even sometimes dress our daughter the night before. :-))
Posted by: Sharyn | April 03, 2009 at 01:45 PM
I feel for mothers that must work and leave their children. I think it would be very difficult. But I do want to disagree with Beth who said that most families HAVE to have two working parents. The median income for Portland families is $50K. That means that most families make about that much, with some more and some less. We are right at the median income level (with one working parent). I know many others who are too. It's very possible to do. I'm not judging the OP's situation, but I think for many people it is actually more possible than they think. Live simply, live within your means, and a LOT is possible.
Posted by: alpidarkomama | April 03, 2009 at 03:34 PM
I also agree with the quick drop off. I have worked FT since before my kids were born. We take much care and time in choosing a care provider we trust and with whom we feel comfortable. With that, we trust that our girls would be well cared for even after we leave. We have made the mistake of prolonging our departure, and it only resulted in our feeling frustrated that the drop-off was so long. When we kept drop-off short, sweet, and concise, and entrusted our caretakers with the rest, we knew that it was a-OK within a few minutes of initial difficulty.
We all make our own decisions and we all have our own circumstances. Sometimes, that means that we must be a family with two-working parents.
Posted by: olivia | April 03, 2009 at 04:22 PM
Is there any chance your husband could do the drop off? I was in a similar situation last year, sending my 2 and 4 year olds to day care for the first time when I went back to work. Surprisingly, my 2 year old did wonderfully -- when my husband did the drop offs. On the rare occasions when I had to drop her off, she had a much harder time separating.
Incidentally, my 4 year old was the one who really struggled with the transition. I thought he would be fine, since he had always been very independent and had 2 years of preschool experience (albeit in 4 hours increments as opposed to the 6-7 hour increments of his current program). But it took him a while to adjust. I'm so glad we dealt with the transition before he started kindergarten!
Posted by: Megan | April 03, 2009 at 07:04 PM
I took a 10-month break starting when my son was 13-months old. What helped us was, well ahead of me going back to work, getting him in the routine of the new childcare situation.
I also took him to my new office for a visit, and turned it into an adventure (we took the bus, went shopping afterward, etc.). He seemed more clingy for a few weeks, but it passed uneventfully.
The thing to keep in mind is, all kids are at different stages of emotional growth, and their personalities come into play as well. Who knows, your daughter may surprise you with how well she handles it. So, just go with your gut, see what works and trust in the resilience and adaptability that kids seem immensely gifted with at this age.
Posted by: Suzame | April 03, 2009 at 08:21 PM
I just want to provide a different perspective here while it's still fresh. I do stay home with my son (almost five years old) and have for most of his life. I started a part-time job though a year ago and love what it has given me in terms of a financial boost as well as fulfilling a need I had to get back to work. My son has really thrived with his caretakers (and bonded with his father when I'm gone). Today he told me that he actually thinks we spend too much time together and could use some time apart! It hurt my feelings at first, but then I realized that he was really enjoying the influence of the other wonderful people in his life whom we had spent so much time choosing to take care of him. A testament to the positive side of a caregiver situation. So, even though your daughter is probably feeling your anxiety and is a bit nervous at the transition, it could be a wonderful thing once everyone is settled.
Posted by: Amanda | April 03, 2009 at 08:54 PM
Amanda's comment about the positive side of time with other people and caregivers is great. Take some time at the end of your day to ask your child what they did at "school" or daycare or whatever you call it together. They will know you value the time they spend away from you and the things they do there. You might be surprised at the whole world of things they do without you... And tell your kids what you do while you are away. They might be surprised at what you do and more comfortable knowing about it.
Posted by: LizardMama | April 03, 2009 at 09:54 PM
Please don't feel bad about returning to work! Everyone has different schedules, from the stay at home moms to mothers who work 80 hour weeks, and we're all moms, concerned with our kids no matter our hours. I've variously worked part time, full time, and freelance from home, and going from taking care of my son full time (working at night/naps) to dropping him off at preschool was tough. Honestly, though, I think I made it worse, showing him some of my anxiety and sadness at the separation. Once I tried to be nonchalant and very matter of fact, he seemed reassured -- and to echo what others said above, he cries whenever I drop him off, and his teachers say as soon as I leave, he stops. We've also really liked reading the book The Kissing Hand, and talking about how even if I'm not there in person, he can look at his hand and feel my kiss and know I'm there in spirit.
The first week is the hardest....good luck!
Posted by: nwmom | April 05, 2009 at 06:31 PM
Yes, I want to echo the positive side of having your kids in outside care, as well. If you can find a good childcare situation, it's actually quite nice to have another person's perspective on your child's experiences and behaviors outside of another family member or partner. As a first-time parent, I have learned a lot about parenting and child development from my son's daycare provider. Since she has taken care of many, many kids over the years, she is always good about reassuring me about his behavior, telling me what is normal (in her experience), and suggesting ways that we might approach his developmental stages.
Posted by: SJ | April 06, 2009 at 03:57 PM
This is kind of a different topic, but i'm considering going back to work after four years at home. the thing is, i don't really need to financially, i just want to. i'm having a hard time understanding my feelings though. i flip flop every single day about what I should do, what's best for the kids, what's best for myself. i can't get over this feeling that i'm cheating them.
anyone else faced this?
Posted by: anon | April 07, 2009 at 05:01 PM
Whichever feeling is the one you "can't get over" listen to that one! :)
Posted by: alpidarkomama | April 07, 2009 at 09:39 PM
I don't think it's so strange to want to go back to work -- I love my job, and I think enjoying what I do makes me a better mom. I have stepped out of the fast track to spend more time at home, which sometimes makes me anxious when I see friends who are far ahead of me, job-wise. But really, why would you be cheating your kids just because you want to work? I honestly feel sad that the ideal of parenting seems to be "stay home all the time with kids, otherwise feel guilty and need to justify it financially/emotionally/whatever." Most countries in the world have other familial and community support than only moms (and sometimes dads) to take care of kids. When I lived in Europe, the state provided daycare twice a week for stay at home moms, so they could have some time alone. Often I feel like here the mom is supposed to take care of kids 24/7, otherwise she's a bad person and the kids will turn out to be truants. I've even heard moms make elaborate excuses for wanting some time to shop or go to the movies or see friends without kids in tow. Are we really supposed to totally subsume our individual selves entirely for our children? Is that even a healthy message to pass to our kids?
Okay,clearly I'm ranting now. But please, if you're strongly wanting to work, there's nothing wrong with that. You can always try it for a while, or go back part time, or do some consulting and see how it goes.
Posted by: pt | April 07, 2009 at 11:38 PM
I get that feeling, the one of wanting to go to work. There's just something alluring about having a life away from children that is nice. So, anon, I have a couple of ideas about how to get that and still feel like you're being true to all aspects of yourself and family life. Here's what's worked for me, in any case. I work just a little, and it's on weekends and evenings. I get that part fulfilled, and I don't feel like I'm not there for the kids because they're home with dad. Over the years I've worked with them with a different care provider, and it just wasn't as settling for me. I also find ways to get that same adult interaction around my children's activities, so I feel valued and competent by someone besides them. For us, I found this at a cooperative preschool. I have a job there, and am instrumental in helping the school work. I love it.
My words here aren't to judge about working full-time. I just know that for me I've really struggled with how to be primarily at home because that is important to me right now and still give value to the parts of me that are stimulated in different ways. My biggest advice is that it doesn't have to be all or none and no matter what you do, it doesn't have to be forever. Stay home until they're in school and then try working or try working and re-evaluate if it isn't working out. Just be sure you have the suport at home to do it because it's tough in terms of schedule, getting household jobs done, etc. And if you're not driven by financial need, try finding something that is just plain fun to do. Work doesn't need to be serious or "career focused" to give you a change of pace.
Posted by: kim | April 08, 2009 at 08:14 AM
It's going to be wayyy harder on you than it will be on your child. I have cried and agonized through every change like this. Preschool, I almost pulled her out the first week. Well, she ended up loving it and making lifelong friends. Kindergarten, still hard! She's in 4th grade, and yes, I cried for that too. Any change is hard. But kids are so resilient! Just make the time you DO have together count.
Posted by: Candice Aiston | April 11, 2009 at 12:45 PM