When grandparents come: Is it all candy & TV?
Sometimes I have a hard time believing that I came from my parents. Could it be possible that our approaches could be so different?
We limit sugar in our family. It just makes sense. The sugar makes little people go bonkers until wee hours of the night. We aren't a no-sugar household, just a moderated-sugar household. When it comes to screen time, we use it on occassion, but not all the time.
When the grandparents whisk into town, it seems that the kids are always clutching a bag of gummis or a sucker. It seems that there's always the background noise of "kung fu panda" or "nikelodeon". We have had words with grandparents, asking them not to give the kids candy or plop them in front of a screen all day, but it lands on deaf ears. It must be their age.
Do we just pretend we don't see our kids discolored tongues from the daily lollipops? Do we pretend we can't see the unending glare of the TV screen? How do you handle how grandparents handle your kids if it differs from your approach?
My mother will periodically come to spend the day with the kids if I have to work and can't find a sitter. I know for a fact that the tv is on all day. She's not a huge sugar-feeder, but she does bring toys I could do without. My theory is that if that's how she wants to spend her time with them, that's her choice. She's doing me a favor, so I really can't complain. If it were everyday, that might be a different story. I do know that as soon as she's gone, I get them out to run around because they probably haven't done so all day!
Posted by: mom22 | March 24, 2009 at 01:30 PM
I grew up with all of my grandparents playing a large part in my life. Though their role was significantly different then the ones they played as parents. It was their opportunity to spoil and not be strict. So I give my mom the same leeway with my child. She still respects big things but where as we give our son no sugar she will give him some. It's give and take. Grandparents are going to have a different relationship with your child then you had with them as a parent.
Posted by: Beth | March 24, 2009 at 01:38 PM
Maybe I'm just bitter following a (too)recent visit from my MIL, but I'd be pretty happy if my inlaws would spend any time with their grandson/nephew at all on their visits rather than shopping for themselves and going out to dinner/drinks without including us. Funny how the in-laws just don't understand why I am not overjoyed at having them visit - it's all kinds of work for me and absolutely no upside of them spending time with their ONLY grandson/nephew. Since he's been alive they have not once offered to watch him on one of their visits even so I could go out to pick up groceries for all of the meals I'm expected to provide for them (and of course they don't offer to pay for the groceries). Nor have they ever bought him anything during their shopping frenzies. Sugar, videos, whatever - if they showed any interest in my child I'd be over the moon.
Posted by: Anonymous | March 24, 2009 at 01:53 PM
I don't love the way my in-laws or my parents care for my kids but the love for my girls is absolutely there. And the situation is never un-safe, just not the way I do things.
I know people who do not let their parents watch the kids I know it kills the grandparents to not have the opportunity to build a relationship with their grandchildren.
I write detailed lists of everything the kids MUST have during the day and if in the end it includes a ton of TV and some sugar so be it. The kids will not be scarred for life from a one day a week visit.
Posted by: C | March 24, 2009 at 02:15 PM
My mother-in-law took care of our kids on a daily basis starting at just two months old and unfortunately we had very different ideas about sugar and screen time. Now that they're older, they seem to have an understanding that there are different sets of rules depending on the situation. That's been helpful since starting school since there are of course different rules there too.
Though it still kind of drives me crazy, I can see there is some value in these differences especially when it prompts conversations about nutrition, tv, etc.
My mom on the other hand is a nutrition freak and gives them all kinds of weird food and has conversations about war and politics that are way over their heads.
Having many friends who have no grandparents for their children, I am grateful my kids still have four grandmas and a grandpa. Even if they are kind of wacky.
Posted by: cc | March 24, 2009 at 04:36 PM
We have one set of grandparents that loooooove grandparenting. Infact, they're much better at being grandparents than they ever were at being parents. They spoil our kids rotten with toys, candy, movies, everything under the sun.
Then we have another grandparent who lives 2 miles away and we see them maybe twice a year. She's totally uninvolved and it makes us very sad. So while I don't enjoy the constant spoiling of our children and the naughty sugar habits they go through when gp's are in town, I wholeheartedly appreciate that my kids do have grandparents that care.
Posted by: Nona | March 24, 2009 at 04:36 PM
Sometimes this is a tough balance. My mom watches my son two afternoons a week and has done so for the last 5.5 years. It's taken awhile and some serious discussions, but we've reached compromise on things that are flexible and things that aren't. To me, not having my son spend the afternoon twice a week watching TV was not a flexible item. Having the occasional treat is totally flexible. With my in-laws it was a matter of getting through to them that they shouldn't buy him everything he expressed interest in. Our house was being filled with junk and he was getting used to the idea that he could have whatever he wanted. However, I don't mind that they let him stay up later than I would or stay in his jammies all day when he stays at their house. Over the years I think we have worked out a balance, but it can be hard.
Posted by: Maggie | March 24, 2009 at 04:40 PM
is it hypocritical that we have 2 sets of rules for grandparents?
my mother in law lives very near and spends a half a day every week with our daughter. with her, we've felt pretty darn inflexible around food and the giving of gifts. we're not extreme people really, we eat sugar and, you know, buy things. but she is positively compulsive. when we have occasionally neglected to protest a sugary treat or random small gift, a floodgate opened and we spent months trying to regain a boundary. we would seriously be DROWNING in stuff and i would be worried about diabetes if we didn't. grandma brings multiple gifts every time we see each other if we don't protest. not only do we try to be responsible consumers, but grandma has very limited funds. so, it seems bad for everybody if we don't draw a line. we've tried finding some middle ground, but for her it seems to be "it's ok to give whatever i want" or not.
the other set of grandparents live far away and visit a couple of times a year. i honestly don't care if they feed the kid gummi bears all day and come with a half a suitcase full of gifts. i've worried that maybe i'm more flexible with them because they're my parents, but i'm pretty sure that's not it. i'm not worried about them setting up a full-fledged sugar jones because their visits are so infrequent. and they can't possibly carry more gifts on the plane than i can carry to goddwill in a single trip if they're not toys that are getting played with. also, they regularly ask if she can eat whatever it is they want to give her, or if i think such and such toy is appropriate.
i do feel a little weird about having totally different standards, but that seems like the only reasonable approach at this point. and i should add how very thankful i am to have 3 grandparents who adore my daughter. i know we are so blessed!
Posted by: j | March 24, 2009 at 06:25 PM
I could have written your post nearly word for word, j. I also worry over the "unfairness" of this approach, but I don't see a way around it. Frequency is a key variable in how flexible I'm willing to be.
Posted by: D | March 24, 2009 at 07:11 PM
With my husband's parents we are much more tactful, but with my parents we don't "ask" them not to give our daughter junk food or plop her in front of a tv all day... we TELL them not to do it. Because they have a history of not respecting our choices (with horrible outcomes) we just don't give them any room for negotiation. And even though they visit with our daughter about once a month and should 'know better,' we are constantly reminding them about our house rules.
No, you cannot feed our daughter pancakes with syrup for breakfast, stop for ice cream as a morning snack on your way to the store for a new whiz-bang toy, go to McDonald's for lunch, bring her back an hour late for nap, and let her eat just chips & tomatoes for dinner ALL IN ONE DAY. No no no.
Posted by: allison | March 24, 2009 at 09:14 PM
Visits from the grandparents are so infrequent here, that I view it like a holiday - not the normal nutrition or routine. It's their time to be with the kids and I'm ok with the kids being spoiled during these visits. They're grandparents - not parents and I don't expect them to act as such. That's my job. Both sets of grandparents help "parent" other grandkids, so visits with my kids are really the only time they get to be just grandparents.
Posted by: Hope | March 25, 2009 at 09:11 AM
I can put up with the screen time and the junk food when my daughter is with my mother or sister. Not my favorites, but there haven't been any repurcussions yet.
My kid is 11 1/2 now. I've been divorced from her father for 10 years and have never remarried. What I have a hard time with is how my sister, although she works full time and is the primary breadwinner, waits on my BIL hand-and-foot. Aside from my sister working, their relationship is pretty Ward and June Cleaver.....she keeps the house and makes sure he's taken care of, and he sits around and lets her. My mother did the same thing when my father was alive, and holds up my sister's marriage as how things "should be" in order for a relationship to last. Actually, my extended family operates within their marriages in pretty much the same way--even if the wife works outside the home (and they usually do), the husband is the head of the family and enjoys a certain elevated status; his needs are primary and the wife is there to serve them.
We honestly don't have a lot of friendships that involve 2 parent/2 adult families, so it KILLS ME that these are the types of marriages that my daughter has as an example of what "works". I can overlook the crappy food and the crappy media; I find myself having to do major damage control over the messages she is carrying home from family visits.
Posted by: S | March 25, 2009 at 09:20 AM
When my friends whose parents (their kids' grandparents) are constantly pitching in to help out complain about how said grandparents it sickens me. When your children will never know their grandparents, when you never get to experience your parents holding and loving your children, it's hard to have a lot of sympathy for people whose parents are very much a part of their kids' and grandkids' lives, helping, holding and loving their grandkids.
Posted by: T | March 25, 2009 at 10:10 AM
I must say, I am very lucky indeed for my daughter to have two sets of grandparents who care tons about her and still adhere (mostly) to the house rules of limited sugar and screen time. They almost always ask ahead of time, and if they don't, they mention it as a point of fact when I pick her up. "Oh, and just so you know, we had ice cream after lunch." so that I know just how much sugar / screen time went on. And, now that I think of it, they almost NEVER put her in front of a movie or TV because they want to spend time with her, playing and getting to know her. I am feeling really blessed right now.
Posted by: anon | March 25, 2009 at 01:33 PM
My mother is the only grandparent my boys really know well and have had a relationship with since they were born. My husband's parents live in Georgia and try to fly up and visit when they can. My mother still works full time and lives in Seattle, we relocated here to Portland this summer, but she takes the train here about once a month. It is such a huge help when she comes. My husband and I can sneak away for a bit and get some much needed time together. Whenever we have gone out of town for a weekend she has helped out by watching the boys for us. It is comforting for me to know that I don't need to worry when they are with her, she plays with them and takes very good care of them and also they love her so much. I feel really bad that my sons may never know my father, I have not had contact with him since I was fifteen (very complicated). My mom and I for the most part are on the same page as far as diet etc. for the boys. I think there is still a part of her that refuses to believe our oldest son is Autistic and that can be excruciatingly painful for me because I sometimes don't want to accept it either but it's our life and we have to keep fighting the battle for him. Anyway I try to count my blessings.
Posted by: Heidi | March 25, 2009 at 02:07 PM
My mother is hugely involved and she allows sugar and TV at a level that wouldn't work for our kids every day, but a few times a month are OK...no biggie.
My mother-in-law is the same, although she's not quite so involved as she doesn't live nearby.
While I really don't care too much about the fact that they get a bit spoiled at Nana's, I really, deeply appreciate the fact that we otherwise have the same discipline standards...how to talk to adults, how to be safe, how to act in public, etc. If those standards weren't the same, I'd be freaked out....
Posted by: Kristin | March 25, 2009 at 03:03 PM
When my husband's parents come to visit, they just sit on the couch like big ol' lumps. I once clocked them at 8 hours just "watching us" from their perch on the couch. It borders on creepy for me.
They don't help out around the house, or actively play with their only grandson... nothing. They just watch.
My parents are both passed on, so my utterly passive in-laws are my son's only grandparents. What a bummer, for all of us.
Posted by: Anon | March 25, 2009 at 05:06 PM
Dang. Wish I had that problem, the grandparents are outta town and rarely visit. Free babysitting from extended family! What a luxury in my world! Bring on the Pixie stix!
Posted by: bee | March 25, 2009 at 07:41 PM
Wow I am so glad that I am not the only one who has experienced this "sugar and screen time" issue. I esp. appreciate the input from those who remind that grandparents at all are a luxury not all have.
What I don't see here though is how these "several times a year" grandparents see the kids behavior after a steady diet of sweet snacks, missed naps and ample TV. I feel like my parenting is somewhat on display and my child is temporarily turned into a monster of "But I want it!" Bless their hearts for being involved, but I know as surely as I have heard them critique the parenting of others, that they are watching me as well.
And how I love getting to be the heavy when they are here. No, just yogurt for a meal is not ok. No she can't skip her nap (as she is running laps around the house), no she can't go back to the toystore again today, no a 3 year old can't watch a pg-13 movie, no she doesn't get a treat for eating her treat! blarg!
And the coup de grace is when the grandparents with the kids conspire against house rules.
So yes, I am grateful that they are involved, loving and interested. No, their visits still aren't rose gardens.
Posted by: hb | March 25, 2009 at 09:30 PM
My mom passed away last summer, and she was amazing with my daughter. She loved scrapbooking, so when she visited, she and my daughter would spread out all their stuff on the dining room table and spend all day stamping, cutting, and whatever else they did. Mom was also a teacher, a reading specialist, so she had reading and writing games she would play with my daughter. The TV was never on, but the sugar was a different story. Mom was a big believer in "chocolate can make things happen," and she offered rewards for all kinds of activities. It was like nails on a chalkboard for me, but I would just call my sister, and we'd both laugh at how traumatized we were as children. For me, bottom line, if they love my child, I'm willing to forgive their craziness.
Posted by: Febe | March 25, 2009 at 09:40 PM
Thanks Febe, I am having sad thoughts right now because my dad and grandpa are both in the same nursing home and probably won't be around in a year. They are 3000 miles away and will never come to my home again. My grandpa is my only grandparent left, and my daughter only has my mom and dad. So it will be just my mom soon. I talked to her about this thread last night and how it makes me sad to think of people getting in these conflicts when I am so sad about my daughter not even having the ability to get to know her grandfather. As someone else said earlier, bring on the pixie sticks if it means having loving grandparents in your life!
Posted by: Debby | March 26, 2009 at 04:33 PM
I love that my Dad and his wife are involved with my children. Although they tend to spend their time outside if nice or indoors coloring, painting, playing I wouldn't mind some tv watching and sweet treats! Just having my kids enjoy and know their grandparents if priceless!
Posted by: Marina | March 31, 2009 at 06:41 PM
This is our one major beef with my mother. She is loving and concerned and she visits relatively often...twice a month or so. She always has sugar or presents. The presents are usually crappy plastic toys and sometimes clothes. We don't have the budget to buy "extras" as often as maybe we'd like so we don't say much about the consumerism...maybe out of guilt. He has learned to expect gifts and that is something we don't really know how to handle...She "asks" if it's ok to give sweets in front of our son(he's 12). If we say no, he has a meltdown. Last thing she brought was an entire bucket of sour licorice. A few were consumed and the rest ended up in the garbage. I'm trying to remember to lay out appropriate snacks... Also, when she babysits the tv is on constantly. We nixed that by putting the parental controls on the tv before we leave so that they can only watch dvds and grandma is a little technologically delayed if you know what I mean. I feel bad, like I'm being dishonest, but gently discussing why we don't want our baby (7months) watching any tv or our 12r old watching adult programs hasn't been effective. We know we are blessed to have her love and presence in our childrens lives but we also want our boundaries respected.
Posted by: concernedmama | September 20, 2010 at 03:49 PM
We visited our son and dil today who told us not to pick up our 14 month old granddaughter because when we leave she wants them to pick her up and walk her around all the time. We had just arrived and my husband was holding her. My son actually took her from his arms and told us we can't hold her all the time - we could sit down and let her sit on our laps. She walks well on her own and is pretty independent. We usually see her every 4 to 6 weeks. Am I wrong to be hurt?
Posted by: Grandma B | October 02, 2010 at 07:12 PM
I wouldn't be hurt I'd just be realistic that your son and DIL have some control issues. I assume this is their first child. By the second they'll be over it or at least hopefully not so uptight! Besides, you'd think they'd be happy someone wanted to HOLD THEIR CHILD!
Posted by: jc | October 02, 2010 at 11:33 PM
Hi all, I am a grandmother who has watched twin grandchildren since they were babies and and they are now five. They are the light of our lives. I understand how most of you feel but I admit I let our grandchildren have treats like ice cream and spaghettios for lunch and get in trouble with my daughter. However, you know I just want to be a grandma to spoil them and give them unconditional love. I have had my time being a parent and disciplinarian and now it is time to reap the rewards. The kiddos are great. Their parents are strict about diet and everything and that too is great. I watch the kiddos for free (giving up a part time job to do so) because I feel it is important to have them watched by someone who just cares about them. I have been seriously thinking that if I am going to be lectured because I give them treats and let them watch TV that I shouldn't watch them anymore and just take them occasionally where I can spoil them without consequences. The kiddos are active with activities like swimming, dance and floor hockey and art that their parents take them to. We (grandpa and I) take them periodically to bounce house, bowling, museums, etc. We love our grandkids but because of the times where both parents work we are happy to take care of them and nurture them. Nevertheless, it is very upsetting when our own children get upset with us because we don't do what they want us to do exactly. Can't people just be happy that we love our grandchildren and hey sometimes they need to know that they have someone who will spoil them.
Posted by: Grandma G | December 01, 2010 at 12:07 PM