Do the kids hear you fight?
Last night, a domestic squabble ensued in our household, involving raised voices, angry tones, and some swear words for emphasis. One of us was hanging laundry, the other was handling kitchen duties. The kids were nearby, and quickly came to our assistance at the thought that it may help diffuse the situation.
When I was a child, I heard some pretty terrible verbal jousts between my parents. Many times, it brought me to tears myself. Sometimes, even, it brought me to my knees in prayer, hoping that they would soon work it out and return to their playful, loving selves.
Arguments are a reality. How and whether we expose the kids to these tense moments could be a different story. I'm curious: do you fight in front of the kids? Are you careful and certain to only discourse in private? If the kids have caught you in the crossfire, how have they reacted? Have you discussed and explained the arguments with them?
How timely. Just this morning my husband and I were having a disagreement, which had our voices raised, which clearly was evidence of conflict. My children were eating their cereal in the dining room, when my 5 year old asked me "mom, are you going to get an apartment?". Wow. I asked him why he thought that, and he said "because Uncle D... and T... both got apartments." (2 separate families close to us that are in the midst of divorce, and one parent in each of those households moved into an apartment) His comment really made me stop and remember how absolutely unhealthy and scary it is for a child to hear this type of discord. (even though ours was seriously mild, and doesn't happen often) We talked about how people can disagree, but it doesn't mean that someone is going to move out...blah, blah. We're a family, and we are not always going to think the same. Kids are so intuitive--
Posted by: pdxparent | March 02, 2009 at 10:48 AM
We've often had disagreements, but 99% of the time they end in agreement. :) If we ever had a HEATED disagreement (we've probably only EVER had 1 or 2) I would absolutely keep it utterly, utterly private. The children do not need any of that stress. Discussions I do not keep private. It's great for them to see how we go through the process of weighing pros and cons, listening to the other's viewpoint, and usually eventually arriving at a place of complete agreement. Having a spouse with whom one is complete yachad (Hebrew for "together" but it has a much deeper meaning than that) creates a home that is also completely yachad. Kids learn patterns for life when they see their parents tactfully and respectfully discussing things (or not!).
Posted by: KE | March 02, 2009 at 11:11 AM
One of my closest friends (since I was three) had parents that never, never argued in front of her. To this day, she has a very hard time with any, and I mean any, conflict. She either runs away from it or completely explodes. I think that we can teach our children a lot about how to resolve conflict in our own households. Showing that you can disagree, respect each other during the disagreement, and still love each other is very powerful.
Posted by: lori | March 02, 2009 at 11:17 AM
My mom and I were just talking about this the other day. She went from a terribly abusive relationship with my biological father to a fantastic one with my stepfather, whom she married when I was really young. Watching her and my stepdad navigate a great but far from perfect (because really, what relationship is?) relationship has been invaluable in my forming views and learning about adult partnerships, especially when I can compare it to the absolute crap of her first marriage. My stepdad and my mom argue, and never hid it from us kids, but we also got to see them resolve the arguments and continue on with their lives when the argument was over. It's important for kids to know that not everything is rainbows and that disagreeing can be healthy if done respectfully.
Posted by: summertime | March 02, 2009 at 02:28 PM
I agree with Lori. Disagreement and even passionate discussions about why we don't think the other person is right are fine, in my opinion, to have in front of children. They should have a model for how to argue their point, but be respectful of others at the same time. I don't think that yelling or swearing in front of kids is good for them (not that I am perfect, but it's my goal). Toddlers, especially, don't need to hear raised voices as it's scary to see the adults in their life out of control. At our house, if one of us is too mad to continue a conversation in front of kids, we say, "I am going for a walk to cool off before I talk any more about this," and walk out. It serves a couple of purposes. One, it's a sign to the other parent that we need to hash this out another time, not in front of kids 2) I really DO need to cool off so give me some space and 3) Shows our children that we can be in control of our actions, if not always our feelings.
Posted by: anon | March 02, 2009 at 02:38 PM
our conflict almost never gets loud, but anyone listening would surely know when we're angry with one another. i think it's imperative that our daughter sees us work this stuff out. normal relationship involves conflict and resolution. if not from us, where will she learn acceptable ways to voice anger and how to apologize and forgive? i guess i should add that she sees us apologizing and forgiving, too.
Posted by: jojo | March 02, 2009 at 02:40 PM
My husband was holding our daughter when we started yelling at each other. She suddenly started pointing and yelling too.
We kinda calmed down and made sure to kiss and make up once we came to a conclusion.
I think it is good for her to see both the arguing and the making up or coming to an "agree to disagree but still love you" situation. My parents barely kissed or fought in front of us. I think that is actually what caused their divorce
Posted by: Christina | March 02, 2009 at 05:40 PM
There is evidence that kids who observe their parents arguing and then see them come to a healthy, workable solution benefit from the lesson on conflict resolution, and learn that a marriage doesn't have to be perfect for it to be successful. My husband and I are currently in the process of buying a new house and we have been arguing much more frequently than usual. But fortunately our deep respect and love for each other makes it so that after the initial explosion of getting the matter off our chests, we calm down and come a consensus pretty quickly. Our three year old daughter did make a quiet remark about him being mean to me after a recent incident though, which I found interesting because I'd say we had been equally "mean" to each other. But it did teach me that some discussion time after the event might be helpful.
Posted by: Katy | March 03, 2009 at 03:36 PM
The stress of 2 babies and under-employment has been a trigger for many more arguments than usual. We do argue in front of the kids occaionally, our older kid gets upset but we are sure to show affection in front them far more often than the arguing. I would rather argue a bit around the kids showing a mature conclusion (even if the proceedings were not so mature) and kissing and making up than never arguing around them. It is part of life. No relationship is all pretty rainbows and sweet-nothings!
Posted by: C | March 03, 2009 at 03:49 PM
My husband and I were having some disagreements that we thought we should get help with. The therapist that was recommended told us that if we had done ANY arguing in front of the kids, he would have to report it. He said that it is considered child abuse to argue in front of them. I was appalled. Needless to say, we never went back. I always thought that modeling for the children what a disagreement is and how it can be resolved and how everyone still loves each other after and during the disagreement or even heated debate was important. My fear is that if someone tries to "report" this, then what?
Posted by: rollerskate skinny | March 04, 2009 at 10:03 AM
i have to chime in again, because i've been thinking about this a lot since the initial post and because what rollerskate skinny said is unfathomable.
of course every kid is different. they come with their own strengths, challenges and sensitivities. but my daughter absolutely NEEDS to see that my husband and i get angry with each other sometimes. she's a perfectionist and takes it so hard when i'm the least bit irritated with her. if she never saw healthy anger between me and anyone else i love, how could she (given her super sensitivity in this regard)not be terrified that my anger was a threat to my relationship with her? people do get angry with the ones they love, arguing does resolve real problems that need attention, and people walk through anger and back into harmony all the time.
i also like what anon posted above about taking a walk if an argument escalates beyond what feels appropriate in front of children (or anyone else). of course there are things the kids shouldn't be part of, and it's great modeling to take yourself out of a situation when you can't be productive.
Posted by: jojo | March 04, 2009 at 10:55 AM
Rollerskate skinny - I really have to challenge your therapist on this. We are foster/adoptive parents and I am very certain that respectful arguments that the children witness do not need to be reported. In fact we had a few in front of social workers as we were debating things. They still placed a child in our home and were fully supportive of us adopting her. Now, by respectful I mean absolutely no physical violence, no name calling, no berating or putting down the other person but true listening to each other, disagreeing and coming to a resolution even if it is to agree to disagree. It is really unrealistic to never have a disagreement that the child knows about. Unless you really feel committed to this therapist I would think about looking for a new one.
With that said I think that there can be healthy arguing and conflict resolution that a child witnesses. I think that by displaying that we help our children navigate the world. Funny thing is that not to long ago our three year old was trying to figure out relationship stuff. I swear every discussion that my partner and I had she labeled as arguing. It was hilarious to receive a compliment from my partner, thank her for it and be told by a three year old that we needed to stop arguing. But it was all part of her figuring out the world - good, bad and sometimes hard to understand.
Posted by: Sarah C | March 04, 2009 at 12:57 PM
To some extent, I almost feel like our self-consciousness about having it out in front of the kids makes us "better" arguers. Just this morning my husband and I had a spontaneous argument about a hum-drum topic (timing the morning prep/departure, etc.). It started off rather loud, we cooled off for a minute, and then--stunningly!-my husband came up and kissed me and apologized. I talked to my daughter about it on our way to school, and she seemed to have seen everything--and so it was a nice opportunity to reinforce that fights are okay and don't mean we don't love each other. But like I said, the side bonus of having my husband (typically a terrible apologizer) be the one to initiate the "I'm sorry"!--priceless!
Posted by: MollyH | March 04, 2009 at 01:18 PM
I wanted to say that I think disagreeing and yelling swear words at each other are VERY different things. I think it's not good for kids to see their parents swearing and screaming, but a civil disagreement is totally great, especially when they see how you come to consensus about it. And reporting for arguing seems ridiculous. Who doesn't argue??
Posted by: anon | March 04, 2009 at 01:28 PM
Does anyone else have a child that tries to chime in during a heated discussion? Our three-year-old will often jump in to the defense of either me or my husband... something like "He didn't say that, mama!" or "Daddy, she doesn't like it when you use a loud voice!" It's awkward because we don't want her to get involved, and it often hurts the feelings of the person that she's 'defending' against (and at least for me and my husband, hurt feelings tend to escalate the argument). Granted, the arguments that she is witness to are all quite civil, but it just rattles us when she feels the need to participate.
Posted by: allison | March 04, 2009 at 02:52 PM
My parents had terrible arguments when I was a child. They never cared if we were around, they were pretty blind and self-obsessed. They got divorced when I was 7. My dad was an emotional bully. He yelled my mom down, and if she cried he was whipped into a worse fury. I have never been able to have a healthy argument with someone I'm emotionally involved with, and it took me years and years to be able to argue civilly with others, and I had to consciously learn it from observation, because I'd offended so many people and finally realized it.
When I look back, what I wish is that my parents had been able to argue in a healthy way. Not that they had or hadn't done it in front of me. It was very very disturbing as a child, and not good for my development either. Since my husband has the same problem, it is now something that we know we have to work on, and probably in therapy, to really get it right. Or we will suffer emotionally, and so will our kids.
Posted by: keenbeen | March 05, 2009 at 08:54 AM
My husband and I had an argument not too long ago, and our three year old planted himself between us and said, "This is making my heart sink."
Needless to say, our argument immediately ended and we both apologized to him. We both vowed to NEVER to do this again!
Posted by: Sally | March 05, 2009 at 03:59 PM
While it is never healthy for kids to witness emotional abuse, I think it is very important for kids to see healthy conflict.
My parents never, ever argued in front of me and my younger sisters. It was a complete and absolute shock when my father walked out when I was 13. As we got older, we learned that my parents really did not get along or agree on anything, and their divorce started to make sense. But that initial shock never dissipated. As adults, my sisters and I all suffer from an irrational fear that the people we love will walk away from us for no reason, without warning. Not healthy.
Posted by: Megan | March 07, 2009 at 12:08 PM
Of course every family has to figure out their own dynamic....for us we decided when #1 was born we would TRY to never fight in front of him...save it until a better time, he was not the reason we were fighting and didn't need to feel that energy.....for the most part even after #2 we stick with it - sometimes it is BRUTAL to wait but i have found it rewarding that my kids don't seeing yelling and fighting between the two people they need to trust the most in the world....
just one mama's opinion......
Posted by: d | March 17, 2009 at 04:03 PM
Beautiful!!! You truly have an eye for colour.
Posted by: The Hermes Birkin | December 30, 2011 at 11:38 AM
While it is inevitable, kids should never hear their parents fight. It can be damaging to their emotional health. They might think they're the cause of the problem.
Posted by: manila real estate | January 19, 2012 at 09:53 PM