Politics & holidays: Bad timing??
I'm sure my 5-Yo isn't the only Portland kid to haver uttered these words: "Mama, what does a McCain sign look like?" Such a great Portland joke. So, when we trekked to the other end of the country to spend Thanksgiving with my father and drove his car (yes, the one pictured above), I was able to at least show my son what an anti-Obama sign looked like! Yes, I'm one of those lucky people whose political beliefs are no less than wildly different than both my parents.
So it was with some fear and trepidation that we jumped into this car at the Miami airport for a few days of post-election family fun. I couldn't help but wonder whether it might be productive for general American family dynamics to set election day a wee bit further from the holidays. You know?
All that holiday wine and the election mere weeks ahead of the turkey cooking.
I've got a family election story to beat all (think: parent reads blog post, child cancels cross-country holiday trip), but I'm not quite ready to divulge the details online yet - still licking my wounds offline. How did it go for you? Were you able to discuss the recent election while passing the sweet potatoes or creamed onions? Or was it best left unsaid (as with us)? Do tell, 'cause I don't like to think that I'm the only one whose holiday table was strangely quiet on the political front.
I learned long ago that I didn't need to try changing my family member's minds about politics. It just isn't worth the emotional upset to me. As committed as I am to my beliefs, so are they to theirs. And when it comes down to it, I suppose I think my beliefs are more "right" than theirs, but who knows, I may have it all wrong! In any case, I tend to hold my tongue when politics comes up. Honestly, it doesn't come up all that much because we've all reached a level of mutual respect for each other and our ability to have beliefs that are well reasoned, albeit different, and an awareness that those conversations just don't lead anywhere useful.
Posted by: mom22 | November 30, 2008 at 08:03 PM
Ha, this is a funny post for me...my family, who thinks very similarly to me on all things political and religious, lives far away in Texas, of all places. And my in-laws, who live in Roseburg, are completely opposite. My mother-in-law won't discuss things out loud with us, but she likes to covertly send email links to far-right-wing propaganda web articles. Fun times. Yes, our Thanksgiving table was completely devoid of election talk. Sometimes I wish we could--just have it out with respect and open minds, but it never happens that way, so oh well. It's often hard to find something to talk about at all!
Posted by: kristen c | November 30, 2008 at 08:46 PM
Our families generally agree on politics, maybe not on the details, but definitely on the bigger picture. But then, I voted for Duck for President. Just kidding, but it was tempting. For the record, I was not a pro-Obama-mama, and, yes, you actually can find other politics in Portland (but we're definitely a minority). But don't worry, we're moving as soon as we can. :) :) :) We're "crunchy cons." Look that one up! :)
Posted by: KE | November 30, 2008 at 08:47 PM
I don't know why I haven't blocked two of my uncles from my inbox!
The entire campaign I was spammed Left and Right.
Didn't matter to either that I'm 3000 miles away and never discuss politics with them.
Wish I would've taken a pic of my ballot and sent to them, get them discussing a whole new name- R. Paul :-)
Game hens were tasty with my little family around the T. day table.
hugs,
Carie
Posted by: bikey mama carie | November 30, 2008 at 08:51 PM
My mother-in-law is a Rush Limbaugh fan, a Bush supporter, a "global warming does not exist" type, and so on. My father-in-law, I firmly believe, is a closet democrat and environmentalist. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law is an incredibly disempowered woman who will shrill loudly about anything antagonistic she can lay her hands on, and there is no room to argue healthfully. I don't even think her politics are about truly thought-out ideals or values. I think she just loves to pick a fight. Needless to say, our holidays with them involve her saying things like, the democrats are really responsible for the mortgage crisis and the downfall of the middle class, and my brother in law trying to make a reasoned argument, and the rest of us looking away and cringing.
I get quieter and quieter, every year. What I dread is the day that my daughter is old enough to wonder what on earth these dynamics are about!
Posted by: mouthtapedshut | November 30, 2008 at 10:57 PM
What a great post! Currently living in Sweden, so similar to Portland politically, I am returning to east TN (yes, that part of the country that actually was more RED than 4 years ago), for Christmas. Lucky for me, my family has all similar political beliefs. I am none too anxious to see the remaining anti Obama paraphenalia when I arrive.
It took me years to stop the fight, but I have decided to stop arguing on the whole, unless it is an issue on which the other side has facts completely wrong...this election I had to argue on Facebook with a poast aquaintance who happened to be a survivor of breast cancer who claims she would have died with socialized medicine.
As bad as it may sound, I guess I do just sum it all up to the fact that they have it wrong. But perhaps just "wrong" for me...and it is right for them.
Posted by: Rebecca | December 01, 2008 at 03:12 AM
During the election my mom & BF since age 12 thought it would be fun to throw me under the bus via email. When my mom's internet was down & she asked me to pay a bill online for her I see like 7 emails from bf in my mom's inbox with the subject "What the hell is wrong with (my name)'. When I confronted my friend, she doesn't apologize. I haven't spoken to her since the election. We did go to my mom's but I need to move away so I don't have to endure the incredibly uncomfortableness of smiling & nodding. I live here in FL, BTW, where the craziness is what caused me to start my own blog.
Posted by: hoppytoddle | December 01, 2008 at 10:19 AM
VERY well said, Mom22.
I just have to say that it would be a very boring world if we all thought and believed the same things.
Posted by: Katie | December 01, 2008 at 01:37 PM
My wonderful husband is from Georgia. He relocated to the Northwest over 20 years ago. He and I are in complete agreement politically, definitely Democrats all the way.
I can discuss politics with my sister, my mother a bit. My husband has a much harder time of it with his family. One of the reasons he moved to Seattle was to get away from some of the warped thinking of his family. I definitely want to make it clear that I am not saying that everyone who lives in the south feels or thinks this way, just his family. His mother is very much on the religious right side, a lovely woman and a very strong woman but a conformist. His father and I had a major blowup a couple of years ago when out of the blue he yelled at me that I had a chip on my soldier because I am part Mexican?!!! I am still in a daze over that one! I do try very hard to get along with people who think differently when it comes to politics or religion or anything else. I really attempt to listen and not react but God help me when there are racist or homophobic comments made I just can't tolerate it. It really was another eye opener for me in this election how much hatred and ignorance still exists in some of these people. Needless to say I did not talk politics with my in laws during the entire campaign. My husband had to vent with me quite a bit because he was so upset by some of the e-mails he received from both his brother and dad. But he handled it in his usual diplomatic way. Anyway sorry for the long rant!
Posted by: Heidi | December 01, 2008 at 01:52 PM
This is long--bear with me! The day after Thanksgiving I sent a really raw message to urbanMamas about this same topic--probably too raw, too many ugly details, I was still trying to process it all. With fewer raw details, it went something like this:
Thanksgiving at my father's house was awful. We have very little common ground with him and his wife and we had spent the morning in bad moods at the prospect of trying to avoid election talk or anything else inflammatory. My husband and I were snapping at each other and dropping things all with the stress of the upcoming visit. After considering canceling last-minute, feigning illness, or exaggerating my daughter's cough, we decided that it was best for family harmony and maintaining a good relationship between the kids and their grandparents to just go and promise not to fan any flames ourselves.
For several hours, everyone was on good behavior (except for my father's occasional vulgarity). It was phenomenal. I was so happy. They had invited several neighbors who were easy to talk with and helped deflect any potentially uncomfortable topics. Then the last 90 minutes totally fell apart. Foul homophobic slurs hurled at my sweet and desperately closeted brother (whom my children adore), remarks that placed our president-elect and the word "shot" in the same sentence, all topped off by some neo-Nazi venom (at which point I gathered up our things, sent the kids to the car, and walked out). I spent the next two hours crying and my husband and I finally had to have the talk with the kids (which we've been avoiding) about how grandpa has very different ideas from ours and some of them are not nice at all and sometimes we can love people but not love what they believe in.
I called the next day so that we could talk about what happened and the conditions for any future visits. I spoke with his wife and was quite clear with her that I needed to talk with my father. I can't see him again until we are clear about what is not ok to bring up around me, around my kids, at my house. But our differences and these abhorrent views are nothing new. I thought he understood that we do not share them, and do not wish to hear them shared. For years I have been so willing to keep my mouth shut for the sake of having some kind of relationship, but this has just left me heartsick, and wondering how much more to compromise my values and the example I want to set for my children.
He has not returned my calls, nor my email. I thought maybe something for him to look over carefully might clarify my position for him and maybe create fewer opportunities for interruption and defensiveness. He is clearly avoiding this entirely.
Does anyone have any similar experiences? At what point and over what issues do we declare a family relationship unsalvageable or unworthy of our energy?
Posted by: S | December 01, 2008 at 01:59 PM
S, I had a similar talk with my father when I was in college nearly 20 years ago. We can't talk politics, race, or GLBTQ issues without one or both of us becoming outrageously offended and hurt, so we don't. We just avoid those issues entirely.
Our relationship is good now, but it took about a year of me standing my ground and leaving whenever hate speech entered the conversation.
I just wonder if our daughter is going to have similar political beliefs as my husband and me. I'll cry if she doesn't!
Posted by: allison | December 01, 2008 at 08:32 PM
My poor St. Louisan McCain-supporting mother-in-law was here on election day, near tears. I thought she was going to implode the next day when we were walking and someone wished us a happy Obama Day... but, mostly, we can have some political talk and change the subject before things get out of hand.
Posted by: A.D. | December 03, 2008 at 07:18 PM
when a distant family member sent me an email comparing Obama to Hitler . .. for once my level headedness went out the window. I was a definite Obama supporter in this election, but I also keep an open mind for those with other opinions. This year the politics went too far!! I actually was in tears over the email and wrote back to her and the rest of the family to politely not send any more emails my way and to really think about their emails- there are few people at the ranks of Hitler. As for T-day . . .I stayed clear of the very conservative family and am thankful for it. Lets just say I haven't recieved any emails and I am probably dropped from the Christmas list this year. Oh well. Opinions are one thing and outright racism is another.
Posted by: shan | December 03, 2008 at 10:11 PM
There's an interesting article on just this subject: http://www.bustedhalo.com/features/forming-a-more-perfect-union/
We didn't have the happy pleasure of visiting with family during the holidays, but fortunately both our parents were part of the votes that made Florida blue this year, (hence, we voted similarly). My best friend and sister, also in FL, voted Red but we've been able to have good, respectful conversations about it. None of us want to damage our relationships based on how we voted - just not worth it!
Posted by: Vivian | December 03, 2008 at 10:40 PM