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Confessions of a Horny Mama

OK. I confess.  I took on the moniker ‘nude mama’ last Valentine’s Day when I shared how I took naked photos of myself to give as a love gift to my significant other.  Now, I confess.  I’m a horny mama.  But, I tell ya, it’s hard to keep the lust going when that constant juggle wears me down.  How do we keep that energy going, amidst worrying about bill payments, birthday parties, family schedules, school functions, and swim class?  How do we keep that love flowing when there ain’t nothin’ dirty in the house but laundry and dishes? 

Well, mamas, I have some thoughts.  I have some ideas on how you can maybe keep that love alive with your life partner or the person you happen to be seeing at the moment.  There are some things that have worked for me.  Mamas, I bring to you: the confessions of a horny mama:

  • Go multi-media: Text, email, IM/chat.  Send naughty messages on IM or text.  It’s fanciful and fun.
  • Visuals are powerful.  Take pictures of self and send form your phone.  It works wonders.
  • Drop hints at all times of the day.  Especially if I know he’s in a meeting, I employ tactic (a) or (b).
  • Show affection, even in front of the kids.  We aren’t shy with our French kisses in our household.  No, siree.  When we kiss and we find one of our girls watching us with a smirk, we kiss again and make sure she’s watching.  We want the children to know that we love each other.
  • Sunday night movies: choose a ‘chick flick’.  ‘nuff said.
  • Sleep naked.  Just think: less laundry with less clothing.
  • Be open.  If we’re talking about our *life* partners here, we have many, many, many years together.  I can’t imagine doing it the same way, every time.  It’s fun to try new things, spice it up, experiment with time of day, location, position, extra-added items.

Let's talk about sex, mamas, again.  What are your success stories for you to get it on?  What are barriers to entry?


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Sleeping naked is a rule of ours and it's worked wonders! It just came to me one day that if we don't have clothes on in bed the more chances we get to get frisky. I also like (and practice) the naughty text messages idea. It really sends a strong message and it makes you feel young again. : )

I really like the idea of text messaging each other with 'naughty' messages. we text each other all day about family stuff, why not that? It would be so fun.

I feel so un-sexy/sexual as of late, I know the hubby is constantly frustrated. How do I know? He is forever telling me! Which exacerbates the problem. I can't find a job, I can't please my hubby, I can't PT my kid...I can't, I can't, I can't. I don't know how to make it better. With two kids, one just over 2 yrs and a 7 month old I can't find time for me let alone him. When you are a human play structure 14 hours a day it is hard for to let anyone else touch you. I doubt any amount of sexy texting will make it work for me. I know he'd love it but that is not enough of a motivator for me these days.

Didn't Portland's former police chief get totally busted for trading x-rated texts with his lover? I don't know about you, but my husband's phone is owned by his company, and not really where I feel comfortable spreadin' the love.

I'd love to do this, I'd love to feel excited about gettin' it on. As long as my husband would quit farting and picking his nose at the dinner table or while reading in bed. Sometimes the thrill is just gone after a decade of living together.

I sound totally frigid.

what?, you are killing me, so funny even though it's not supposed to be... only because I can relate. For me, it's his constant sniffing and throat clearing and general snotty allergy issues.

Here's the thing, we aren't 23 anymore, it doesn't feel new most of the time and it takes some work for alot of us to get in the mood with any kind of frequency. I just had this convo with a friend... she used to be a "passion" party consultant! She said go with the basics to jazz things up, maybe start with some sensual massage, candles then add a "bullet" v to help things along. Make sure they slow down and just do the massage, breath and see what happens. It's worth a shot.

it isn't always about sex. Me and my guy make it a point to talk at the end of the day. Doesn't matter about what. just checkin' in on the other person. feeling loved and cared for, damn sexy!

Douglas Brown, a feature writer for the Denver Post, just wrote a book called "Just Do It: How One Couple Turned Off the TV and Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days (No Excuses!)"

It looks funny, I think I'll see if there's a copy at the library...here's an excerpt about the book:

"What began as a whim (and a great idea for a book) became a marvelous and often exhausting adventure, one that challenged Doug and Annie's notions about sensuality, sexual intimacy, and their own relationship -- and ultimately brought them closer than they'd ever been."

Here's the interview with them on Baby Center:


Yea! Something up my alley!!!!! Hubs and I had a huge dry patch. We were both feeling totally unloved and even ready to seek greener pastures. Then we had one of the most intense conversations about our relationship and sex. Pretty much everything was on the table. We soon realized we were still really in love with each other :)

We knew we could never go back to when we were first dating, but holy crap, if it didn't start to feel like it! We dirty text, IM, flirt, smooch wherever and whenever, grab each other wherever and whenever, and the sex..... well, I will just leave it at that.


Oh, oh, oh. I really feel for you. I have been there so many times. When I don't feel good about my life, I don't feel sexy. When I am over-touched, the last thing I want is more touching. When I know my husband is frustrated, I feel guilty, and feeling guilty makes me feel completely unsexy. So . . .

I don't think there are any easy solutions. If there were, you'd have done them already. Take some time to yourself? Yeah, the whole problem is that with a baby and a small child, time to yourself is hard to come by. Feel good about yourself? Umm, it's not a switch I can just flip.

But . . . be patient with yourself. Ask your husband to be patient, too. Be open and tell him you know this is difficult, but your kids won't be this young forever. Tell him how you feel and let him see if he can fix any of it.

Oh, and on some days when I feel rotten, when I haven't gotten anything done around the house and I've had a bad day? Sometimes on those days I make myself have sex (my husband is _always_ interested). That way, at least I've done one good thing that day.

NotSoHorny and Jan: I'm with you. I've come to the conclusion that I'm special (yeah, "special") when it comes to mothering hormones and it *all* gets channeled into the kiddos. it's bad enough that monroe is always trying to fiddle with my nipples while he's breastfeeding, I slap his and my husband's hands away with equal fervor (but probably a lot more hostility towards hubby who is, after all, not dependent upon me for his nutrition). the more stressed out I am about ... whatever, money, kids' behavior, my husband's problems (snotty, sexually starved, or what-have-you), my own lack of personal space ... the less I have any desire for sex. vicious cycle? oh yeah.

but once in a while I do urge myself to just let go and let myself have a little romp.

what's helped with his patience (a little) is, shockingly, reading 'the joy of sex.' he found a copy in a free pile and evidently it has all kinds of good things to say about the differences between the way men and women work (generally) and process sexual desire. he started trying out the 'give her plenty of time and a nice quiet room, maybe a massage' strategy, which works despite my very evident reluctance. he told me to read the book too but, really? who has time? I'm too busy batting hands away from my bosoms!

Amen to sleeping naked!! Skin to skin contact is wonderful even if you're not in the mood.

Get the kids out of your room. I'm just saying with my twins sharing a crib in our room and having to wait till they fall asleep and our 4 year old, not to mention we have a roomate..... all I get is a quicky in the dark, as to not wake the twins.
Sigh.... someday I'll have my room back and the lights will go back on. (wink)

ok but this brings up something I was going to ask about. Having a romantic getaway in June for a 10 year anniversary.... I'm thinking of waxing (you know where... ) looking for recommendations of waxers. Also go for the full wax?? Whats the difference between brazilan and bikini?

ok- real quick- bikini is just the sides, think underware edges. brazilian is the whole shabang, also try it BEFORE you go on your getaway. you dont want a rash or ingrown hairs on your anniversary.

As far as romps go i practically have to throw a fit then neither of us is in the mood. Hes always too tired, or grouchy, or has to get up early. I have long days filled with work and a screaming toddler but a little something other than a semi annual toss in the hay would be nice. Its so frustrating its hard not to get resentful. Im not an overly sexual person, and Ive tried spicing it up, talking about our relationship, emotions, sexy outfits, what not, but to no avail.
And granted theres a little age gap but its not like either of us is headed to the retirement center. Help Im stuck in the land of the sexless!

Well this is timely. Our oldest just turned six, and about all we've done since conceiving her was the bare minimum to conceive our second. Feeling overtouched, overburdened, underappreciated... and that darn farting! Sheesh!

Oddly what turned it around for me just a few days ago was getting in touch with an old boyfriend by email. Nothing either of us couldn't show our spouses, but it brought back memories for me of being wanted, wanting, in that unencumbered lifestyle of the twenty-something without kids. Then I read a novel with a lot of romantic tension, went and found my hubby in the bathroom replacing an old toilet, and gave him a kiss that peeled ten years off our ages. Suddenly we can't keep off of each other. We have built an intimacy in two days that we hadn't seen in a decade together.

I don't know if it's right or wrong, but feeling desired is what turns me on, and it doesn't seem to make a difference whether I feel desired by my husband, an old flame (he didn't even express it), or that young grocery store checker who noticed I'd lost weight. Ultimately it's only my husband who is going to get me, so I'm giving myself license to pick up the appetite wherever I can get it.

Oh yes, and I asked him not to fart where I could hear it. What a difference!

Somewhat off topic... but I have been wondering with other UMs think...

I have been so out of the mood lately & preferred my vibrator (conair back massager - works wonders) however my DH has felt neglected & threw away my vibrator. I never used it with him - but it was in my drawer. Lately he has been very vocal about the lack of sex - that it has put me off.

Cut to this past weekend & he was going to go out with a friend who's wife was out of town & I know that this friend loves going to strip clubs. My DH doesn't like them & doesn't go but I was afraid with me not giving it up & his friend's wishes they might go to a strip club.

I know "trust" your partner and yes couples like to go to strip clubs - but seriously have you ever seen a lap dance being performed - no panties on, the licking of strippers' nipples, grinding all over the lap of the paying customer, erections - coy comments made by the stripper etc to get more money. Also many of these strip clubs are fronts for prostitution & escort services.

So how is this all okay, but if a coworker or stranger your husband meets in a bar straddled your DH & rubbed her vahjayjay all of your him that is grounds for divorce?

This bring up another discussion about "adult activities" & considering we have so many strip & adult clubs in Portlandia & they are not zoned like other cities - what are other mamas thoughts?

Really GOOD point about company-owned phones and computers & technology--things can be retrieved or tracked pretty easily, not always a good idea at work or to people at work, especially for those who have jobs in the public sector.

We went to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno... just sayin... ;)

I've always used a vibrator with my husband, never made it exclusively a solo thing. PDXmama, seems weird to me that your spouse would throw your's away?! Were you okay with that? I'm no sex therapist but that seems to me like that wasn't really the issue. Just sayin, because if it worked for you, that makes me sad.

Other things that work for me to get in the mood: watching porn together (only certain kinds, not too softcore but not amateur, and need some girl-on-girl stuff), looking at the occasional porn site or adult mag together (again, content is KEY for me), watching each other strip, wearing no panties out to dinner, and yeah, strip clubs (although sucks to go home reeking of cigarette smoke!).

I used to hate strip clubs, but now have a good time. It's not for all couples, but in the past for me it was a lack of trust issue. Now when we do stuff together and we're open about EVERYTHING (i.e, looking at porn together) it's not an issue and we both have a good time, then come home and have really hot sex! Plus, it helps that I don't identify as straight either so we have some, um, "joint interests" you could say.

for 'In the Dark' - I highly recommend Enzi at Spa Sasse. http://www.spasasse.com/

All these tips and tricks...I couldn't get into any of it at the time. What worked for me? Letting time to by. Years, in fact.

I'm not saying that we never did it while the kids were little and I was all touched out and exhausted and never in the mood. We did. But the two of us basically decided to accept the fact that this was a stressful time and it just wasn't going to be the way it used to be. We have a strong relationship, we never stopped being affectionate, but parenting takes its toll and sex was one of the casualties for awhile there.

And I've got to say, I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that there's a season for passion and a season where that passion takes a backseat in a major way. I feel like all this pressure to find a way to keep things as they were just makes a stressful time even more so. Nursing and cleanup and meal prep and work and runny noses and diapers and more nursing and you finally get to bed and you're still not done? No thanks.

And fortunately for me, I have a very understanding partner (who knows how to take care of himself) and was willing to stick out the dry spell (knowing there would be the occasional stop an oasis).

Fast forward, the kids now sleep through the night, they play by themselves for hours on end, we are not doing the constant vigilance thing of life with toddlers and guess what's back? Our sex life, whoo hoo! And I feel like we both appreciate it even more these days.

Well said, Seasons of Life! I very much feel the same way--the first year especially with a baby in the house is stressful physically and mentally. I'm grateful for a husband who is understanding, patient just as tired as I am, and who doesn't fart around me! :) The first year with our babies we just sort of took what we could get, with the understanding that quality was better than quantity, perhaps. And in the 2nd year things seem to get easier with the baby sleeping more and becoming more independent, I'm happy to have my body back and more willing to share at the end of a long day. I agree about sleeping naked, and will add that a few extra minutes in the shower to shave the legs goes a long way too!

As for bikini waxes...Muriel at La Muse in SW is the best in town! (And I've tried many of them out there!) I've also heard great things about Wax On (or off?) on East Burnside but have not tried them. I think I heard something about them being the inventors of the Brazilian...

please be very, very careful with emails and texts. besides the aforementioned warnings about using company time (and equipment) for that sort of thing, even if you use your own phone and computer it's really easy to accidentally send something to the wrong contact. you might try a sexy phone call during a coffee break ... that doesn't leave a trail as long as you aren't overheard!

my tip for heating things up: tasteful, nicely done porn. it's out there.

Ok, mamas. Spill it about the good porn. Anytime I've watched it I've either felt icky or, worse, bored. Where does a curious mama go for the good stuff?

Yes, I'd like to know, too, where to find nicely done porn that would be at least a bit respectful towards women....The hardcore stuff focusing solely on penetration is just icky to me, but I would be more than interested in watching something little less hc and much more tasteful!

About the porn, I would love to know of a film that is nicely done, that doesn't have stupid, cheesy writing (with that said, an Oscar worthy script is not necessary.. it's porn!) and mainly... it must have relatively up to date and good looking people. No mullets. Any ideas?

I like sex as much as the next slightly overtired mom of three. And the older the kids get the more i return to my old level of libido.

But all this porn talk - what if I HATE porn? What if I feel my husband is addicted to/obsessed with internet porn, secretly. What if i know too many (married with kids) men who've visited prostitutes regularly? I have issues,I know.
I'm with the previous poster who mentioned all the hundreds of strip clubs/lingerie "modeling places. What gives??

What do all of you feel about your partners and porn? I am so curious.

As far as I know, my husband does not watch porn and he definitely does not go to strip clubs. I personally would not be ok with my husband going to the clubs with friends and I do not want to go with him either and he's totally fine with that, I don't think he has a huge interest in that kind of stuff anyway. I have a friend who's worked as a stripper in Vegas and hearing all those stories about what men did or wanted to do to her just made me sad...but everybody sets their own limits, these are just mine/ours.

Personally, the fact that my husband does housework on a regular basis and puts our daughter to bed every night makes me feel very sexy - I have a moment to myself in the evening, can take a bath and maybe light a few candles, and voila, I'm definitely more in the mood for sex than I was a few hours before!

I think that for me, I can deal with my husband's porn/strip club visits, as long as either I'm a part of it, or it's not secret. I think violating either of those is problematic for me. He doesn't do either a ton, but I think if it adds to his pleasure and in turn, mine, I'm okay with it. For us, he’s much more visual—and if it adds something for him occasionally, and I reap the rewards, it’s great. If he was going to clubs secretly, or had a ton of porn I wasn't aware of, or seemed to prefer porn to me, We'd have an issue. As far as movies, I actually told my husband to rent some--I prefer more 'artistic' movies with no dialogue--we recently watched one called 'Wet' that was filmed well. He's gotten some others that weren't for me--but I was up for checking them out, which totally got him in the mood, and then me!

Thank you, seasons and leah, for saying something so reassuring, and definitely truthful measured in my own life.

Also, I third or fourth the thought that porn is good.

As for finding good porn, try making your own. My husband and I had some fun in front of our video camera recently. Making the video was a good time, but for weeks I had NO interest in watching the video. I was afraid it would be totally embarrassing. We finally decided to watch it the other night, and it was a big turn on for both of us. It was much more erotic for us than watching strangers have dirty sex in a bad porn movie.

I've always been tempted to try that, but have been too nervous. Maybe I should give it a shot...

My horniness didn't really return to my life until my kids got older. The years of nursing and pregnancy just made my body feel like it didn't belong to me. Sexual activity made me cringe, at some points in my life as mama.

Now, however, I feel like we are trying to explore more. One thing we've done on date night is go to that adult store, Fantasy on Burnside. We've tried a toy or two, and we've also picked out a video together. My husband once got us a movie that was supposedly recognized with some "best of" award, it was a porn flick about pirates. There was attempt at dialogue and plot, so it wasn't all strictly the activity.

I feel like it took me a while to get into the porn. In the end, my willingness to experiment and try new things got me into it more, even though it isn't something that is intuitively appealing to me.

Lately, we've been taking pictures/video of one another. It's compelling and can be really arousing. We do have to be careful, though, to make sure the XXX flash drive is kept in a safe place at all times.

I also forgot to mention one thing that helps get me in the mood is reading erotica. Powell's has a large selection of books. For me it can be more powerful to read and let my imagination make up the rest.

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