Trust and kids: When do you go too far?
A few months ago, I was travelling for work, and as Monroe is still firmly attached to me as a provider of breast milk (and is none too pleased with the whole bottle concept), I had him with me. I tried to get him into the corporate daycare -- he'd been before -- but there was no room in the infant room.
After mining my network for all it was worth, I resorted to Craigslist. My first choice fell through (hair appointment), but the next morning my second choice met me and Monroe at the hotel and I handed over the room key and my baby and was off to the office. Some of my co-workers were discomfited. How did I know she wouldn't just make off with my baby? Well, first, it's a relatively shocking crime, one that seems a little extreme for such short notice. Second, stranger kidnapping makes up less than 2% of violent crimes against children. Third, this is what I do, meet people online and then trust them. I firmly believe in the principle that, when people feel trusted, they will act in a trustworthy manner.
Away from Monroe in a big meeting room, I relaxed, having comforted myself that -- were she to decide to kidnap him -- I had plenty of information about her to apprehend and recover my child. And I had a good feeling. I picked Monroe up at the appointed hour and she gave a great report: Monroe was happy, he'd napped, and she even amiably accepted his peccadillos (he won't do a bottle OR a sippy cup), giving him milk from the hotel water glass. Trusted, and trustworthy, all online.
I'm on the liberal end of the trust spectrum, I guess. I am crazy? (specifically about this, I mean?) How long does it take you to trust others with your kids?
Your story kind of freaks me out, Sarah. I guess that I'm at the other end of the spectrum....quite a bit more cautious in a world full of crazy people. I seriously couldn't live with myself if something were to happen to my child when with someone that I know nothing about. (kidnapping being the least of my worries in all honesty) I've seen people posting on craigslist for last minute babysitters so that they can go out and hit the town. I can't imagine. to each his(or her)own.
Posted by: km | September 09, 2008 at 11:39 AM
Depending on the size of town you're visiting, there's probably a nanny service which would have people who have had to go through a background check, give their social security numbers and have a long list of references and qualifications.
I know friends who use the nanny service in Portland when they're in an absolute pinch, and they're always very happy with the quality of care.
Just an idea.
Posted by: Kristin | September 09, 2008 at 12:07 PM
The Craigslist babysitter does make me a little squidgy, but you know what? I can totally relate to ABSOLUTELY, NONNEGOTIABLY needing childcare and being up against a wall. We do what we have to do, rely on our guts to tell us it's safe, and remember that the large majority of the universe is not, in fact, crazy.
Sarah was lucky to even have Corporate daycare as a choice (albeit one that didn't work out). Like Sarah, I've been lucky to have enough financial resources to be able to hire a "Plan B" sitter when Plan A has blown up at the last minute, or even to have paid time off I could take in a pinch. There are a lot of moms out there who don't even have the luxury of asking themselves the trust question and are forced to rely on clearly substandard care, or family members, or older children or no care at all.
Posted by: Sheryl | September 09, 2008 at 12:24 PM
Yeah, not so much for me on this one. My paranoia has always been shaken baby syndrome. If I don't know how someone handles a baby who won't stop crying, I just can't do it. But I haven't been in your shoes of needing that last minute fill in. The times I've had to travel with baby, my mother was able to come with me! A luxury, I know.
Posted by: mom22 | September 09, 2008 at 12:49 PM
EEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk!
okay, I'm better now. I'm at the opposite end and was a broke single mama which was the worst combo.
I had a lot of fears about leaving a non-verbal child with people I didn't know. But I left her with a neighbor to run an errand. And now that we're past the statue of limitations, I did leave a sleeping child in the apartment to run out and get children's tylenol for a fever.
We all take some chances and they mostly survive.
Posted by: ProtestMama | September 09, 2008 at 03:17 PM
i'm just coming off a bad experience with a sitter so i am squarely on the opposite end of the spectrum. our sitter turned out to be a pathological liar with some weird emotional issues or something. i have no problem with a little white lie here or there, but this was bigger than that. and how do you trust someone like that once you know they've told a whopper of a lie?
Posted by: jbug | September 09, 2008 at 09:53 PM
I think you took a great chance with a child who had no decision in the matter. Are you not aware of the fact that the most oftenly abused children are those who can't communicate that they have been abused.
I really respect women who want it all - the husband, the careers, the children yet when you have to resort to this level of lack of protection to those who can't protect themselves then I question your very selfishness in wanting it all.
Whether women want to accept this reality or not - we are losing a whole generation of children's and the importance of morals and values because of our selfish needs/desires to have them but no time to truly mother them.
It would benefit every child to have a parent at home at least and until they are able to communicate their hurts, their needs, their desires to do anything less than to provide this security (in my humble opinion) is selfish and the reason we have an increase in teenage pregnancies and juvenile crime rates.
I pray you NEVER do that again, at least for the sake and safety of your child - who didn't ask to be born in the midst of your career advancements.
Posted by: FACINGREALITY | September 09, 2008 at 10:01 PM
Just to offset the really concerned mamas out there, Sarah, I've done pretty much exactly as you have. In my situation, my husband had fallen off a very tall ladder, shattered his wrist, and was about to open his business (i.e. our bread and butter) in two weeks. He needed two big surgeries and was in the hospital for a few days. A woman was referred to us by another nanny we once used. She was a complete stranger the first time she met us and was immediately hired to watch our son.
I have to disagree with those who say that this is about "having it all." I believe that while some women do want it all, I think a lot of us simply have to work or involve ourselves in our husband's businesses to survive. Also, if my situation (or Sarah's for that matter) were less urgent, I think I would have taken the hiring process a little more slowly.
I've questioned that first meeting with our nanny over and over again. I have felt regret. I have felt proud of myself for trusting my gut. I have wondered if other mamas do the same... and it looks like at least one out there has.
Yes, there are a lot of creepy people out there, but I think there is something to be said for trusting one's intuition about people and giving them the benefit of the doubt. I'm happy to report that we are still using the same nanny that got me out of a major bind that horrible week in May. And, honestly, the times I've gone against my gut with hiring employees or hiring a nanny I've completely regretted it. I went with my very first impression of O, our present nanny, and it was spot on.
Posted by: Kelly S | September 09, 2008 at 10:38 PM
In my work situation, I see parents who have made childcare decisions that have resulted in abuse. I think intuition is an important part in making good decisions but also would urge people to consider that there are all sorts of psychological factors that inform our intuition and can cloud our vision, if you will.
Posted by: E | September 09, 2008 at 10:58 PM
I don't think your situation was the same at all, Kelly. You got a reference! That can count for a lot depending on who's referring them. I could never, never, never leave my child/ren with someone I didn't know. In a dire emergency, I would get a reference from someone I trust. Intuition can be very deceiving too. I just don't get it.
Posted by: KE | September 10, 2008 at 01:44 AM
That would of been a day to miss work for me. And I can't remotely afford it.
Posted by: sm | September 10, 2008 at 07:51 AM
Wow, just had to comment on some of the judgmental tone of the other speakers:
"Whether women want to accept this reality or not - we are losing a whole generation of children's and the importance of morals and values because of our selfish needs/desires to have them but no time to truly mother them.
I pray you NEVER do that again, at least for the sake and safety of your child - who didn't ask to be born in the midst of your career advancements."
The last sentence, really, is just hurtful and mean. Some of us HAVE to work. I have NO CHOICE, unless I want to sell my home, car, and go on welfare and somehow find affordable housing. My husband is a graduate student and it is MY PAYCHECK that provides health insurance for all of us, pays the mortgage on our modest home, buys life insurance and homeowner's insurance in case distaster strikes, puts food on the table and clothes on my baby girl's back. My paycheck is not providing extra income so I can buy expensive toys and live in a giant house.
FACING REALITY, I am thrilled for you and a little jealous that your husband can ostenibly provide enough that you can stay home and 'appropriately' mother your children. If you removed yourself from your judgmental bubble, you might see that some families simply are not as lucky and don't have the circumstances you do. Your "humble opinion" disclaimer is really taken away by the tone of your words. If I were Sarah this would have made me cry it was so hurtful.
I'm sorry, but I am sick and tired of people assuming that working mothers are selfish, career-obsessed women. All the working mothers I know would stay home while their children were little or drop to part-time, IF THEY COULD. And for the mothers who continue to work full-time even if they didn't have to, that is their decision and who are we to judge how their family works? I am by no means a perfect parent.
And Sarah, for the future, lots of hotels have vetted (just had to use that word in light of all the recent political discussion) local nanny services for exactly this reason. Maybe that can help you next time you're in a pinch. For what it's worth, I wouldn't have used craigslist to find a nanny in an emergency, but I am by NO means telling you you're a selfish person for doing so. From all of your posts, it seems obvious to me that your children are the light of your life and your primary focus.
Posted by: LilRed | September 10, 2008 at 08:11 AM
I must take issue with the commenter who implied that this about "wanting it all". I, really quite unexpectedly, found myself raising my 18 month old alone, on the other side of the country from my family/support system. If "wanting it all" means I wanted to house, clothe and feed both of us, I guess you could say I'm one of "those" moms. But I tell you, it wasn't about career advancement or my ego. After paying for childcare, health insurance, commuting and pantyhose, my job still provided for us better than welfare, Medicaid and food stamps would have.
I'm not going to engage in a stay-at-home vs. working mom debate. But please don't assume that those of us who rely on childcare so that we can work are doing it out of selfishness. Does that exist? Sure. But most of us are just trying to do what is right for own, unique family situation.
Posted by: Sheryl | September 10, 2008 at 08:18 AM
I used a local nanny service for a childcare emergency when my son was about 14 months old. The service does screen the nannies, but I still had no idea who this woman was. She showed up, I handed her the keys to my car and said, "Take him to OMSI if you want." She was gone for several hours and I was both relieved for the help and a bit freaked, having never done this before. Everything was fine. I also hired a nanny when we went to a wedding in Atlanta, but she was referred by a former co-worker. On the other hand, my friend hired a nanny from another local service; she showed up hung over and disoriented. There are few guarantees when you trust strangers. We all take calculated risks every day -- I tend to trust the goodness of people, but probably wouldn't go off just a Craigslist ad.
Posted by: Suzame | September 10, 2008 at 10:23 AM
I guess I would be a little more comfortable with your decision if I knew more about the process by which you decided that you trusted this sitter enough to leave your child with him or her. I agree that the chance of abduction is slight, but assessing the risk of abuse or negligent care is always a primary concern (for me)when I'm leaving a child with a stranger. I do believe in trusting one's instincts, but I pair that with being as informed as possible. Did you ask the sitter any questions or did you assess what questions or information she offered to you? Even if you had mere minutes to hand your baby over, I would hope that you did your very best to size up the person you were entrusting with your baby's care.
Posted by: Juliette | September 10, 2008 at 12:02 PM
In my job, I see the effects of abuse and neglect all too often. Unfortunately, I see the more seedy side of life, and therefore I am uber cautious with my kids. I second the recomendation of many other posts here that there are reputable nanny agencies in most cities (or through the hotel or convention center) that could offer you at least the assurance that the individual caring for your child does not have a criminal record. Craigslist would not be my first choice. Even schools do criminal background checks on volunteers who spend time with kids, and that time is always within sight and sound of licensed teachers - to leave my child alone with someone who has not been "vetted" in this way is terrifying. That being said, we do not know what sorts of questions you asked or references you checked or what your intuition told you. Those are all part of the process as well.
I hate to see this post degrade into a battle b/w the SAHM and the working mom. I am fortunate enough that I can work part-time, but I fully recognize that not all women share this luxury. At one point I worked full time - and my heart goes out to those full time moms who desperately want to be home with their kids. I firmly believe that kids need to be surrounded by loving caretakers devoted to engaging them, playing with them, nuturing them - and this could be a mom, dad, grandmother, or other adult. It is far better that kids are cared for by a nanny (or other adult caregiver) who plays games, reads books, does art projects, gives hugs and tickles, and kisses boo-boos than being cared for by a SAHM who is burnt out, sits them in front of a tv all day and is disconnected from her children (I AM NOT SAYING THAT ALL SAHM'S ARE THIS WAY - JUST MAKING A CONTRAST TO SHOW THAT SAHM IS NOT THE ONLY WAY).
At any rate, we all have to do what is best for our kids. The question posed by this thread was where on the spectrum people fell with respect to trusting others to care for our kids - the resounding answer, it seems, is that many moms would choose (if given the choice) to screen their childcare a bit more than just trusting their instincts - right or wrong.
Posted by: cos | September 10, 2008 at 03:42 PM
I used to be more cavalier in my approach toward trusting people, and had people cautioning me about it, but I always have wanted to believe the best about people. Things have changed for me though, as I've realized that there are a lot of people with bad problems out there, and no sense of responsibility, and they lie. And after having problems from trusting too much, I've come to be wary. I think you've been lucky to be able to hold on to your principle that trusting people makes them act trustworthy, but I think that is a lot of luck, and staying in safe circles. Once you move outside your circle, you shouldn't be so sure. And, also look at what you're risking. Risking money or time or objects is not the same as risking abuse of your child.
Since I've had a child, I've been absolutely manically cautious about anything with child care for him. For one thing, I was a nanny when I was 18, and not a good one. I'm ashamed at my behavior. But I've known worse nannies, as well. I know someone who was a regular nanny for a family and she HATED the kids. There are many cases of abuse, and as others have mentioned, with a small child you can't always know what happened. I know someone who had a child fall off a counter while in their care. I also know someone whose nephew, after going to the same sitter for four months, was near death for 3 weeks after having severe shaken baby syndrome. That sitter had 4 children of her own. Even though we're in a babysitting co-op, we've only used it once and ruled out families that we'd exchange with because we're uncomfortable with things about their family (like a pre-teen drinking alcohol).
I've had to tell my work that I can't do an out of town trip due to child care. Once my work really wanted me to go to an out of town training when my son was 4 months old. They flew my husband and son with me. I've had a couple of other assignments that I couldn't do because of child care issues. They were fine with it. If it were a crucial matter, I would definitely go to a local nanny agency. I'm not sure why that wasn't an explored option in your situation.
Posted by: Colleen | September 10, 2008 at 04:05 PM
Interesting post.
I dont want to judge the choice the poster made. My first reaction is that I wouldnt WANT to use the craigslist option. I am a single mom and although divorced my sons dad is not very available for back up scenarios.
So since I havent had much help or back up there are just many things I havent done: work trips, drinks out with friends, classes for personal fulfillment or work class scenarios. My son was in full day daycare and if I couldnt get a babysitter I knew or a friend to cover it just didnt happen.
I know about "grandmas place" I guess it just never seemed like an option and I flat out told work that I cannot travel nationally or internationally. Whether they support me or not I have only travelled for work once in 4 1/2 years.
Right now I guess I am ok with just not doing some of the things that require either care from a source that my son and I werent familiar with.
But I guess its something that we each decide for ourselves and for our familes. And I am sure within each family it could even differ for different kids.
Posted by: elizabeth | September 10, 2008 at 07:17 PM
Personal experience here...
I started seeing a young man in college who was a stellar example of just a really nice, easy, intelligent person (doctorate candidate in toxicology) who just before we formalized dating let me know that he had spent 4 years in prison for sexually abusing children between the ages of 6 and 18 months.
None of my intuition sensors ever went off about this guy being anything less than just a nice regular person. And he was, except for a very bad experience in his life that changed everything.
And he told me he gained access to these children by babysitting at his church, and everyone trusted him.
He is listed on the web on the sex offender registry in our state.
Ever since meeting him, the care my kid received, especially in their youngest years was a non-compromise issue.
But it does boil down to "who do you trust?"
It is a good, worthwhile topic of discussion, and an individual choice to be sure.
Craigslist caretakers do make me wary. But there are times when as a parent ones back is against the wall. At that point I go with the best I can get and stick to the law of averages, being that on one occasion, with a referred caretaker, chances are that nothing sketchy would happen.
Posted by: HB | September 10, 2008 at 09:27 PM
"I'm sorry, but I am sick and tired of people assuming that working mothers are selfish, career-obsessed women."
WORD. Thank you, LilRed!
Posted by: TJ | September 10, 2008 at 10:07 PM
Why are we so afraid of "judgment"????? We all need to use judgment to navigate our lives. Are we supposed to smile and say everything everyone does is just fine? Moral relativism, imho, causes a whole host of problems. Anyone is welcome to judge me positively or negatively. I'm firm in what I believe about my own life and what is best for my family, and someone judging that truly doesn't shake me.
Posted by: KE | September 10, 2008 at 11:12 PM
Gosh-do I add more? The Childcare Experience is only the reason why I would ever recommend someone might want to think twice before having a baby. I think subconsciously this is why women write novels about motherhood (well, this and lack of sleep-lots of time to write). I realized when we were looking for a regular nanny when our daughter was 5 months old that I had no idea what I was doing or how I would choose someone to care for her. I empathise with every mom I have known because I know we have all gone through this dilemma.
I am lucky that I have never felt like I couldn't say "no, I can't" because of childcare issues to my work. We have hired one nanny off of CL and she has been great and now still with us up till 2 1/2 years old but I would never use CL for emergencies. I think I am on the very careful side of the coin and want to make sure I call references-other moms whom I would trust have been through the same experience as me at some point and can give me some honest feedback about the potential candidate.
Wouldn't it be nice if there were a babysitter referral form-somewhere-where you didn't have to pay $20 bucks a month for membership to help us get the childcare help we need. Does it exist? Can it? It seems like UM would be a great spot for it but I always seem to see posts of people wanting childcare references and never see too many responses.
Posted by: a.h. | September 11, 2008 at 02:14 AM
I agree with LilRed -- not alot of empathy for someone elses situation.
My Mama was a risk taker who relied on her gut, much to the chagrin of The Aunts. They all clucked their tongues and talked about how selfish it was for my mama to put her life experiences before our security.
(I know that on more than one occasion I was watched by a stranger).
So, The Aunts stayed at home and raised my very boring and mediocre cousins.....
While my mamas 'wing it' approach to everything made for a full and exciting childhood.
I had childcare lined up for my daughter. Referred by my sister and a friend, just 10 blocks from home, licensed, CPR trained...and I still didn't feel right about it. Then, two days before she was supposed to start, I met this women at Peninsula Park. She had an in-home daycare with three kids. And I just liked her. I asked if she could take my daughter part-time.. I hadn't even seen her house or asked for references before I dropped my daughter off on the first day.
I've relied on my intuition for everything from picking produce to picking partners, and it hasn't done me wrong, yet.
Posted by: lea | September 11, 2008 at 05:05 AM
All I have to say is, OMG - how can you be certain she didn't give him Chocolate milk?!
Seriously, "career" mom vs. STH mom issue aside - I can't help but wonder, is this a case of messed up priorities or lack of proper risk assessment?
Wake up people, where's the greater risk? Do you really think that pedophiles and messed up meth-heads wear warning signs around their necks????
I guarantee that no matter how good a "judge of character" you think you are you ARE going to be wrong sometime - do you want that to be at the expense of your child?
Posted by: Heidi | September 11, 2008 at 03:00 PM
Umm, enough already.
The risk is there. That can't be denied.
We have gotten a little overly freaked out over these and almost all issues. After all, we just read about or heard an awful story on the news. Our 27/7 news cycle has allowed us to be more in the know, but has also paralyzed so many of us with fear over what could possibly happen, even when the odds are minuscule.
Posted by: Monica in Cali | September 11, 2008 at 05:57 PM
I also wonder about the trust thing - but mine is about how much room do I give them to play - when is it ok to walk to the neighbor by yourself, when is it ok to go into the boy's bathroom by yourself, when is it ok to be ahead of me on a crowded sidewalk. For example, my kids play outside by themselves. I live in a very unique area though - dead end street and an acre of land. Other moms are shocked by this though as they are only 3 and 4.
I want the world to be a good place. I think I'm more lenient than some moms, but then I will see some kid doing something and I will be amazed and scared. Seems like such a different world than when I was a kid, but I try to make it some of the same.
We all make decisions everyday and hope we never have to regret them.
Posted by: Betsy | September 11, 2008 at 08:52 PM
LILRED - Have you ever encountered a sexually abused child? Probably not, but I have and most of these children were raped by people that were left to protect them while a parent was working.
The problem with people like you is that you fail to accept the realities of the world we live in but funny how you came to the same conclusion that the child should not have been left with a craigslister.
At no time did I state I was a stay at home Mom, nor married. I did however, comment that children benefit from a two parent home and should be reared by such until they can communicate harm.
The US has the highest rate of teen pregnancy and we want to stick our heads in the sand and blame it on what or whom? It couldn't possibly be the lack of time we spend with our children - right.
Yes, there are many mothers out there that HAVE TO WORK - but the fact still remains that children did not sign up for a parents career being the priority (sorry if that hit a nerve but it remains a FACT.
How dare you try and repress my voice which didn't differ much from your own in the ultimate end but just know until children are able to live healthy lives, unfearful of being raped OR abuse by a caregiver before they can even articulate that point -my position will not change and I'll even respect your objective view to agree to disagree.
You should never try and silence a voice because it is not your own. How else do we learn?
God Bless
Posted by: FACINGREALITY | September 11, 2008 at 10:03 PM
FACINGREALITY -- I don't think LilReds intention was to silence anyone... She only pointed out that your tone was hurtful. No one learns from a hurtful tone.
When you use phrases like 'The problem with people like you...' and 'How dare you try and repress my voice..' what kind of a response do you hope for?
Remember that even when you feel passionately about something, urbanMamas first cardinal rule is to treat others with respect.
By the way, 95% of abused children are abused by a trusted member of their community - ie a parent, uncle, pastor, grandmother - and not by the stranger off of craigslist.
Posted by: reality.check. | September 12, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Thanks reality check. Couldn't have said it better. I don't think it's going to do the discussion any good to engage further.
Next topic, please...hopefully this won't go the way of the mama/mommy name debate. :)
Posted by: LilRed | September 12, 2008 at 08:35 AM
YOU ARE CRAZY. TRUST IS EARNED NOT GIVEN. DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MANY WACKO'S ARE OUT THERE? YOU CAN'T TRUST YOUR CHILD TO STATISTICS. YOU NEED YOUR HEAD EXAMINED.
Posted by: KRISTY | April 18, 2009 at 01:34 PM