All I want is mama!

In many households, there is a primary caretaker for the little ones in our lives, and that person is a mama.  In many other households, the primary caretaker is a papa, an auntie, a family friend.  There is a strong special bond that offen develops between mama and babe because of this role.  In many households, there are other caretakers beyond the primary one.  In many households, the secondary caretaker is a papa.  In many other households, the secondary caretakers is a mama, an cousin, a family friend. 

If there are two adults who are caretakers in your household, how have those dynamics played out with your littlest family members?  How have you strengthened the relationship among all, not just the mama?  An urbanMama emails:

I have a 3 month old daughter and have recently gone back to work part time. I work in the evenings, just 4 hours at a time. I've been taking my daughter to work with me, and after a couple hours when my husband gets off work he picks her up to take her home.  She is fine during the trip home, but as soon as they step into the front door she starts crying/screaming and continues to do so until she passes out or I come home (as soon as I hold her she starts to calm, nursing eases her completely).

Her Papa tries everything he can think of to cheer her; playing, distracting, rocking, patting, feeding her breastmilk from a bottle; but she is inconsolable. He has a theory - that her understanding of our home environment is that Home is Where Mama Is. (I work part-time from home as well, and am able to be with her all day.)

As a result, their alone time is stressful for both of them and discouraging to Papa. We worry that she's not able to be happy while alone with him and that we're introducing a Mama-Only attitude unintentionally.  We need to find some solace and a solution.  Has anybody had a similar experience?  What helped your family through it?

Comments

[Melissa]

I am the primary breadwinner in our home and my husband stays home with our little one (she is almost 2). I work four 10-hour days so that I can have three days with her and also to give hubby a chance to work on his own projects. From the moment I walk in the door until bedtime, and all weekend long, it's Mama only. While she is perfectly content to be with her daddy when it is just the two of them she wants nothing to do with him when I am home or supposed to be home. In fact, when she wakes up on Monday mornings and I am not there (I sneak out early) she cries for about 10-15 minutes. She also starts to get agitated on Thursday afternoons before I get home.

While none of this is as bad as your situation I do believe that time will help. While my daughter has never completely gotten over the fact that I can't be home with her all the time when she wants me to be she has certainly come a long way and knows that at some point I will be coming home. Having a consistent schedule has helped because she knows when to expect me.

Maybe you could leave your daughter with an unwashed t-shirt or similar item that smells like you? Or perhaps a photo of you she can carry? Though she might be a little young for that it may help when she is a bit older.

[vivian]

wow, i know how tough this can be, for everyone! i don't know how long you've been trying this method, but my first thought is: give yourselves (esp. your daughter) a little time. it took my son and partner a while to find their own groove, but find it they did to no apparent long-term ill-effect.

other ideas that may help to cope in the meantime:

has your husband tried NOT going home? maybe transition to a nice walk/tummy time in a park? if there are other distractions and sensations to soothe her, your baby may be less stressed out by your absence and more willing to focus on what her dad can offer.

music? there are many great collections out there, and our son responded to music pretty dramatically in most cases -- there's a series called 'soothing sounds for baby' developed by a guy (can't remember name, argh) in the seventies who studied the aural development of infants in different stages and custom-composed pieces for those stages. my son went wild over them...try looking it up on the internet...

she may respond to being wrapped up next to her daddy's chest, skin-to-skin is even better, in a soft sling so she can lay her head on his chest while he hums, strolls, bounces gently, or reclines and reads or just breathes/relaxes. warmth, heartbeat, and that nice deep vibrating voice are soooo soothing...

then once she (hopefully) seems to hit her new groove, playing and eating might be more appealing.

i hope any of these ideas help, and good luck, it sounds like you both are doing such a wonderful job!

[abby]

Yeah, that is hard. I am a person who needs my space, so being the mama-only phase was never easy for me. Fortunately it was only in brief spells for us. I am not sure if we just got lucky with an adaptable baby, but I do know we were deliberate about laying the groundwork for some real shared parenting.

My husband was really worried about being in that situation, so from the start we were careful to create some dad-only situations to counteract the breast feeding and the fact that I was around more. So even when I was in the house, he was always the bath guy, often the nap guy. Sometimes at night early on I would nurse downstairs, and he would take her up and do bedtime. As soon as she started solid food, he was the spoon guy. So when I started to not be around as much, they already had some established routines.

Now, with the kiddo just turned two, dad works from home too, so he is still super involved. He is still the bath guy, the bedtime guy, the breakfast guy, etc. He was just gone for a week, and I was a little nervous about how she would react to me stepping into all his roles.

So, advice-wise, you may be doing this already, but I would just say that as much as possible, when you are all home together, make sure the two of them have some time without you. That way she is safe knowing you are home, but they are building in a new reality for her that Home is Where the Dad is, too.

Good luck, and as I always tell myself, drink in that unconditional love/need while it lasts, because soon she will be running around and away from your ever-loving arms, and you will miss these days of intense closeness...

[Zinemama]

I agree with Abby that you and your husband need to make sure the babe has more time alone with him when you are all three at home. I know it's hard. It can be so tempting to swoop in and "rescue" your partner, because you know what that baby really wants.

The problem with this is that your husband will never find his own way to parent. He and this baby just need time, that's all. It sounds like he has a good bag of tricks and he's meeting all her needs. He'll get confident and she'll relax with him after awhile.

[Amy]

I don't have specific advice, but I just wanted to say that I PROMISE this phase will end, and will feel like a distant memory in the not-too-distant future. It's so hard to believe that (or feel any relief from the idea) in the moment, but it's really true. So take some solace in knowing that this hard spot is not forever! You can try all the advice here, because it does feel so much better to feel like you're doing *something* - meanwhile, she will be growing and changing, and then poof - you're on to the next (sometimes easier!) puzzle.

[Nic]

Great points. That's what worked with our kids. Time, time and more time as well as letting dad be the bath guy, the playtime guy, the rescue me from my crib when I wake up guy. As much as possible he has done the baby care when we are all together. Some weekends he feels like I'm trying to shrug off all the diapers onto him but it's really paid off when I've gone back to work part-time and my girls already know all about Dad and how things work with him. Dad also looks for reasons to take one of the kids on an errand with him so they aren't only riding in his car on my work days. I whole-heartedly agree that stopping at a park, going for a walk, stopping to sit on the porch first might help a lot. Also, is your little one totally over-stimulated after going to work with you and that's contributing to the meltdown?

[dana]

My son is a lot older, but for us the thing that made the difference was giving the two of them an activity outside of the house that they do together exclusively. For us it was swimming when I went back to school. It took a few weeks, but now my son is very close to my husband. They have something that they share that is theirs alone. I don't know if your daughter has the awareness yet to make something like this work but its worth a shot I suppose. Maybe she feels like her papa is somehow supposed to replace you, which isnt possible. But it sounds like he is as amazing as Papa's can be. Since being in the house is her trouble spot, maybe they should find a special coffee shop that they go to on their way home or some other ritual they have at this time so they have a vehicle for bonding their own unique relationship.
There are a few coffee shops around town that are kid friendly, have toys, etc. Good luck and congrats on going back to work. :)

[rebecca]

I would just add that lots of babies are at their fussiest in the evening time, which it sounds like is the time your husband and daughter are alone. Now that I'm a wise old mama of a two year old, I know that everything is a phase, and I'm sure in time they will find their routine. Things that helped my husband soothe our daughter when she was an infant were going on walks and carrying her in a sling. There are so many different carriers, I'd suggest going to a place like Milagros where they will help you select one that is comfortable. good luck!

[R.E.Mom]

All great advice, encouragement. I remember going through such a similar phase when I started getting out of the house when my daughter was about that age. She would be okay when I would leave but once an issue came up while I was gone...it was over for poor dad. She would literally cry/scream until she A)either passed out or B)until I came back through the doors- just like you said. I remember her dad calling me a few times and asking EXACTLY how close I was because he was worried about her because she'd been screaming for so long.

I only added a comment in order to reiterate two things.
#1- It really is a matter of time. Just like further down the road when you wean, transistion sleeping patterns, etc...you have to have faith in the fact that what you are doing is right for your family. Your baby will pick up on that sense. And, in this case, after some time (even if it's longer than you expect) she will realize that life with Dad is okay too and, regardless, you always return at the end of it. It takes them a long time to develop these routines. But she will.
So, you have to keep leaving in order for her to learn that you will always come back. :-)

#2- Don't underestimate the power of leaving a worn, unwashed shirt of yours behind with her! That mama scent, especially if you're breast feeding, soothes all sort of burgeoning catastrophe!

Lastly, (sorry, I know I said only two but...) ENCOURAGE YOUR PARTNER. Don't take for granted what a wonderful resource you have in a full time second parent. It can get really hard for them when they love that little child with all their heart and are constantly being pushed away in favor of someone else. Remind him too- it just takes time!

[Nic]

I wanted to add to my earlier comment. My husband has been through this twice. It wasn't any easier the second time. In fact, maybe harder? Yours can't take it personally. He just can't. Babies fuss in the evenings and it stinks. I always just tried to remind my husband that the day will come that she'll prefer you to me and we'll have the evening fussiness all figured out. Guess what? That time comes and goes and awesome partners become nearly interchangable with the primary caregiver. My husband does way more with bedtime than I do, so it's no biggy for me to be gone. I am actually gone at bedtime 2-3 nights/week but even when I am there, he's the bedtime guy. It helps. We also swear by the Moby wrap and bouncing on an excercise ball if walking isn't an option. My kids prefer to stay outside too so that's always been what saves my husband from the fussiness. I've come home from work or yoga many, many, many times to find them on the porch. Good luck - this heat probably isn't helping his cause much. Hang in there, it all gets better soon!

[suzanne]

it is a phase--but i am not trying to belittle the frustration of it by calling it a phase. for our family, it worked the opposite way. our daughter (almost 2) is the ultimate daddy's girl. she preferred daddy over mama hands down for a significant chunk bewteen 1 to 2, even before 1 yr old. she sought him for fun, for comfort, for everything. only dad could calm her down. it was really sad for me and it hurt a lot. i didn't understand it at all. many people told me it was just a phase and it would go but that didn't cheer me up one bit--she was only going to be so young once and i felt hurt and sad that i was missing these moments with her and often felt like a total outsider. i hate to say it, but even for a short while i sort of detached from her and felt like this weird outside person that wasn't really part of their group. again, it was painful and frustrating and very upsetting.
my husband felt sad about it too. he felt very bad for me and tried to set up situations where my daughter would connect with me. he tried to make it so i was the one there when she woke up from a nap so she would first see me and cuddle and connect with me. anything fun and pleasurable for her he would try to have me be the one to offer it. just like with abby's post, my husband tried to make it so i was the one who was their for situations where she really connected to. i really appreciated it. sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. it might have been something that just had to pass. it's really a lot better now although i do think that she prefers daddy in many situations. hang in there!

[suzanne]

oh yeah, and i forgot to mention in my above post that i successfully and happily nursed her for a full year and still--i was the outsider. so i think it can just happen to either parent, regardless of the early bonding things like nursing...

[Lori]

Our baby had some problems drinking breastmilk from a bottle from Dad, so we ended up using a syringe with a tube (that we picked up at the Providence Breast Feeding Center) and would attach it to his pinky finger. She would settle in much better with Dad sucking on his finger, instead of fighting. He and I would introduce the bottle to her every so often and she finally got the hang of it.

[anon]

Any suggestions if this is happening at age 2? My son clearly prefers me and I can tell that it is bothering my husband. At night he will cry when it is his dad's turn to read books and he will come out of the room and find me rather than sit with his dad for books. My husband's reaction is to get mad and give up. And when I try to do something about it, like suggest a dad/son outing, my husband gets angry at me. He sees it as another way I am controlling the parenting style. I just see it as I'm tired of being the one our son always goes to and I want son and dad to have a good relationship and I don't see dad making any effort to change/address the situation. Any books for a dad to read? Dads out there -- any advice on how you would want your partner to approach this issue? I fully admit I may be approaching this in a heavy handed way. I'm open to advice and criticism! I just want them to get along and have a good relationship. My fear is that my husband will want a relationship when my son is older and the groundwork will not be there.

[Molomatic]

Anon, I hear you! My daughter is 2-1/2 and still wants me almost all of the time. It's been that way since she was about 9 months. Some times she even tells my husband to "go away." It breaks both of our hearts. I am trying to get my hubby/daughter to do more fun things on their own but my husband is so frustrated he doesn't always want to make the effort (since he hears "I want Mama. Where is Mama" the whole time. I'd love any ideas for this toddler age too!

[SJ]

Yes, I totally hear you, too! One thread I'm picking up in your post is the fact that your husband collects your daughter directly after getting off work. One thing that might help him is to take a 15-30 minutes to himself between getting off work and picking up your daughter. When my son (now the ripe old age of 14 months) was this age and my husband and I were dealing with this same scenario, we noticed that a huge contributing factor was my husband's own work-related tiredness. When he took a few minutes to re-charge and refresh before he took over as Daddy, he did much better and, therefore, so did my son.

Good Luck!

[Shannon]

I'm a SAHM with a 14 month old and a 3 year old. They both prefer me...always. My husband is a great dad, super involved, does bath time, plays fort, goes to the park, etc. -- but regardless, the girls prefer me. If I'm not there, they do fine without me, but once the baby sees me, its all over. My 3 year old also has started preferring me since my husband started traveling more with his work. She also might be jealous of the baby.....so she feels compelled to "need" me too!

I would love to hear what other mamas and papas have done. Some things that have worked well for us:

1) Our girls go to bed at different times. We each take a kid and put her to bed and then we switch nights. When the three year old cries for me to read books/sing her good night songs, I simply say it's daddies turn tonight. She gets a choice, daddy reads/sings songs or no songs/books. She's ALWAYS picked dad over nothing!

2) We do swim lessons. Daddy takes the baby in the water and I watch the older one from the side of the pool. Daddy takes the baby in the men's locker room -- so baby doesn't see me and get upset!

3) Daddy does most of the night time comforting (he's a gem!) so they both associate Daddy being able to comfort them and handle everything from crying to accidental bed wetting.

4) I try and get to the gym a couple of nights a week when my husband gets home from work -- so the girls have dinner without me and see daddy can take care of feeding them.

Again, the girls do well when I'm not there -- but once I get home, it's another story........I welcome any other great ideas for toddlers and preschoolers who are mommies' girls!

Thanks,

Shannon

[Camellia]

Girlfriend, I hear you. In fact, I had to do a little double-take because it felt like I could have written your post. My little one is almost 8 months old and has been Mama-only since birth, even though my husband and I have done everything to try to share his care. Other people advise that the baby will get used to another caregiver over time, but that hasn't been the case--my husband has been taking him while I work since he was 3-weeks old and we still have trouble. Baby bursts into tears when I leave the room. And when we spend time together the three of us, it isn't enough for me to be right there, a few feet away, I always need to be holding him.

Anyway, it hasn't gone away for us but we've learned to just deal with it. It helps a lot when my husband takes the baby out of the house for lots of walks, in the stroller or ergo.

Over time, we've come to fight it less. In the beginning, my husband often insisted that I not step in, because he really wanted the two of them to figure out their own thing. Now, we're more flexible--sometimes it is important for my husband to soothe the baby, other times we give in to the fact that he clearly needs some mama-comfort.

The other thing that has been immensely helpful is just understanding that this is totally normal, and even though your friends' babies may not be the same way to the same extent, plenty of babies are. Understanding that it will pass, too, although the length of time it will take varies from child to child, and that it isn't a sign that there's something wrong with your husband's relationship to your child. And knowing that it isn't your fault, or your husband's fault, it's just your baby's natural mammalian programming and there may not be much you can do about it.

The below posts, at the Ask Moxie blog, helped me to get some perspective on just how normal it is for kids to go through periods of strongly preferring one or the other parent.

http://www.askmoxie.org/2008/06/qa-chopped-liver.html

http://www.askmoxie.org/2006/11/qa_6onthold_onl.html

[chc]

My daughter did the same thing to my husband pretty much until she hit her first birthday when she was able to verbalize a bit. He has always been the primary caregiver two days per week, so they certainly had their bonding time. They would both just be wrecks by the time I got home and she continues to favor me. She even has told him recently that he needs to, "move out and take his dog with him." Your daughter is very young still, but she might be giving you a preview to her personality as she gets older. In our family, my husband and daughter seem to have similar personalities and they clash a lot. He does not have the same kind of issues with our son though who is pretty mellow.

Good luck to all of you!

[bee]

I have an almost identical work situation. I work for 2-3 hours with my baby, then head home and do the hand off with Papa. I did not start work until she was around 4 months old, and we have not had too much fussiness. I do remember at 3 months, evening fussiness was a big issue, but then at some point it wasn't any longer. We have been doing this for about 4 months now, she is 8 months now, and all is relatively peaceful when I go back to work. I think it is important for Dad to have a 15 minute moment to unwind after work, and also to spend some quality time with her alone in the morning or afternoon when she isn't fussy so that he can build up his baby confidence. It has got to be hard on him if he only gets to see her fussy side! Good Luck and trust me, it does get a lot better.

[capella]

I just want to point out that crying in babies usually peaks between 3 and 4 months. It is also really common that babies that age get cranky in the evening--like they need to do some fussing to wind down after a stimulating day. So I have no doubt that your daughter's crying has to do with missing you but the hours that she is separated from you are also not her optimum hours.

[Cyn]

wow--tough! My husband is sole caretaker every third day for 24 hrs. b/c of my work schedule. Before I went back to work (daughter was 4 months), my husband started a dad's group and moms were no where to be found during the hrs. dads and kids were together. I really believe it was the foundation for their strong bond today (daughter 13 months).
The group has fizzled into the dads that found commonalities just calling eachother, but they still get together. Maybe your husband could find dads with similar aged kids to get together--or start a different habit--one that isn't the same as when you're home...(ex. play outside at a park, ride bikes/trailer, meet with neighbors in someone's yard) as their activity when it's just him with your kids.
Good luck--change is hard and noticeable, but you'll all fare better with time!

[Jessica]

I'm glad to hear we are not alone! Our situation is pretty similar. I work some of the time from home and some time out. If we are both home, our 5 month old tends to only be consoled by me. We've been trying to figure out a way to get her to be more easily comforted by her father. It's great to hear all the advice.