Pulling the Plug
Allowing our kids to use a pacifier (or binky, if you prefer) has been an ongoing dilemma for many caregivers since the little "suckers" were invented. They can be a lifesaver for many of us when our kids are small and nothing else seems to sooth them. Or as they get older, to keep them feeling safe and settled. But how old is too old for them to be so dependent on them? And when it is finally the right time, how do you get your little one on board with your binky banishing plans? This UrbanMama writes:
My daughter is almost 13 months old and only uses her "binky" to get to sleep. But she is so dependent on that darn thing that she can't get to sleep (or get back to sleep) unless she has it. I would LOVE it if she just didn't want it anymore, but I don't see that happening in our near future. So I am curious to know what other moms have done to wean their kids off the pacifier, how difficult a time was it, and at what age did they decide to "pull the plug"?
We recently had this milestone accomplished! My 26mo old (yikes i know)wouldn't take a passie early on, but when we had a cross-country flight at 3mo, it was a lifesaver and she's loved it ever since. From about 12mo it was only at bedtime or naptime and was supposed to stay in her crib. Typically pretty good at this, but often she would want it in her carseat or it would sneak out of her bed to other parts of the house. She also usually liked to have 2-3 of them - one in mouth and holding others! She's never had a blankie or anything, so I guess the passies were her "lovies". It also wasn't impeding her speech, so I wasn't worried on that front. I wanted to "pull the plug" around 22mo but felt like it would be such a big deal and didn't quite know how to do it. Starting at about her 2nd b-day, whenever we lost one or it got a hole or something, we threw it away and didn't replace it - she was involved in this process and seemed to understand. She was down to only one for a couple of months and we noticed that requests for it seemed to keep increasing. So finally we decided that it would "break" - my husband and I secretely cut the tip off and she immediately said "this is broken" once we gave it to her - but she wanted to hold it and keep it with her that night. It was a LONG time for her to get settled and go to sleep - i don't think she knew what to do with her mouth and was getting very frusterated and not able to soothe herself very well at all. When she finally fell asleep, she slept all night and didn't really seem to care about it in the morning. We "mailed it to our new baby cousin" and she liked decorating the envelope. She never asked for it after that, but had major problems going to sleep for about 4 nights. I also think she was a little sick at the time, so that could be part of it too. My husband and I almost wanted to give in, because we didn't want it to be so traumatic, but we powered through those 4 nights and she was fine after that. We found one a few weeks later and she was excited, but i said we should send it to the new baby and she agreed - whew! A few rough days, but worth it in the end - Good luck!
Posted by: PSD | June 18, 2008 at 02:10 PM
We "pulled the plug" with our toddler at almost three (YIKES). Our pedi told us that we didn't need to do it right away as long as it was only for napping/bedtime and it wasn't causing problems with speech. So we didn't worry about it. We did tell our son that when they wore out that we didn't buy new ones anymore (at about the age of 2). Then finally the big day came when we decided it was enough. We were down to one pacifier - and it just seemed time. So prior to bedtime (and in a place he couldn't see us) we snipped the end of the pacifier off (just a tiny bit off the end) so that it stopped "working". My husband and I had to bite our tongues to stop from laughing when he put it in his mouth, took it out, and looked at it -- and tried it again! He then asked for it every night but didn't actually use it. He just held it. Then he finally stopped asking and we threw it away.... But no hard nights. It was great! I highly recommend it :)
Posted by: Heather | June 18, 2008 at 02:37 PM
We took them away from our two older kids around 20 months because a new baby was coming along and we wanted them to be weaned from the paci by the time the baby was using one. With our oldest, we did the snip -- she STILL talks about how sad she was when her paci "broke"!
Our second, we warned her for a few days beforehand that the paci was "going bye-bye" and then we did it.
For both, it was one night of being very upset, and two more nights of asking for it...then we were done!
Now, we have a 16-month-old who loves his paci, so we have to do it all over again...not sure which method we'll use, but we'll probably do it in the next 4-6 months.
Posted by: RM | June 18, 2008 at 03:46 PM
The binky was my parenting shame. I gave up fighting my daughter over giving it up at I can't remember what age. I would think she was weaning off if it, but she would return from weekend visitation with her dad and say "daddy let me have binky all day!" and we'd have to start the weaning again. I finally threw in the towel. I was embarrassed at every pediatrician and dentist visit to admit that she still had the binky.
My daughter developed a sense of embarrassment about her binky before she was ready to give it up. I would find her hiding in a corner with it. She didn't want certain family members to know about the binky. One time at the grocery store, I turned away for a minute and when I turned back, her head was buried deep in my purse, and she was sucky on a crusty binky she'd found in there.
Finally, on her 4th birthday (ARGH), she walks into the bathroom where I am putting on my makeup. She has 3-4 binkies in her hand (I thought we were down to one, but she had a secret stash). She tosses all of them into the wastebasket and says "I'm too big for these. I'm done."
As soon as she wasn't paying attention, I quickly emptied that wastebasket into the neighbor's trash can. The neighbors who lived two doors down from us.
The following night, she had a little melt down about something, and stood over the (now empty) bathroom wastebasket sobbing for her binkys. But that was it. I don't think I've heard a thing about them since.
And.....now she's getting braces this summer. The orthodontist took one look at her at her first visit and asked me how long she used a binky. Oy.
Posted by: Sheryl | June 18, 2008 at 04:17 PM
One of the best things we did with our son was get rid of the pacifier before he could ask for it. He was about 16 months old and used it primarily when he was tired. It happened by accident actually, we were at the zoo and he chucked it into the zebra enclosure. He saw where it went and it was the only one I had on me. He was mad on the way home (he definitely would have fallen asleep if he'd still had it) and I decided that would be the moment. My husband panicked when bedtime rolled around that night and wanted to run to the store to buy another one but I convinced him to just give it a try. The first night took a little longer to settle down but overall, not a big deal at all. To this day we talk about how he gave his pacifier to the zebras at the zoo although he doesnt actually remember it.
Posted by: Leah | June 18, 2008 at 04:45 PM
I was adamant about not giving my now-5 y/o son a paci when he was a newborn. That lasted until he was 2 weeks old. He quickly took to it, and eventually developed a love of one paci. Not one brand, mind you, but one specific bink. I remember it like it was yesterday: turquoise and purple, on a butterfly pacifier clip.
Anyway, at about 7 months, we lost the darn thing. The first two nights were horrible, and he would accept no substitutions. The third night he went right to sleep. I found it on the fourth night (under the couch--go figure), and just didn't give it back to him.
My second son hated every.single.pacifier.
My 2 month old son likes one brand of pacifiers, but, for now at least, can take it or leave it. Hopefully he'll keep up that attitude, and I'll eventually just phase them out.
Posted by: KM | June 18, 2008 at 05:39 PM
I worried so much about using the binky but looking back now that my son is four...it's actually a fond memory for me. He was down to using it just in bed, and when he was two-and-a-half, he started throwing it out of his crib at naptime to stall going to sleep. So, I decided to pack them all up and 'give them to the babies at the hospital.' He was pretty sad that night, and I almost caved. But it only took about three nights of asking for it (and maybe an extra half hour of trying to get to sleep), and the binky was in our past. Our first dentist visit at age three-and-a-half was great - no mention of binky use. Perhaps because he only used it to sleep and gave it up before he was three.
Posted by: Amanda | June 18, 2008 at 05:53 PM
Our second son loved his pacifiers. He would go around all day with one in his mouth. We figured after all his baby teeth were in (just around 2 yrs old), we'd take them away. The thought was if he still had teeth coming in, he might need the pacifier to help soothe himself while the teeth were coming in. Once all the teeth were in we decided to toss all the pacifiers in the trash while he was in the bathtub and when he asked for one, we couldn't find any. He asked a couple times that night but went to sleep no problems and didn't ask for it again after that. Good luck!
Posted by: Hope | June 18, 2008 at 07:24 PM
We did the same with both my son and daughter. At 12 mos there pacifiers "broke". My husband and I snipped the ends. We both felt pretty guilty when we told them (they are 6 & 8 now) but they did fine. I don't remember them having a hard time. I still am grateful for them during that 3week to 12month time though.
*BTW: my son has to use a retainer and braces are coming. And it is not related to his pacifier (small palette). Go figure.
Posted by: kelly | June 18, 2008 at 10:54 PM
In the scheme of things, I have chosen to not worry one iota about the binky. So many other things to worry about as a mother! My daughter started her love affair with the binky at a few months old (in fact, I think it was the first thing she learned how to grasp and manipulate), and still loves it today, at 21 months. We've slowly started limiting it, mostly by putting it out of sight at the first opportunity in the morning. She'll ask for it throughout the day, but we only give it to her if she really seems to need the comforting or grounding. In fact, we realized that sometimes when she asked for it, she was actually thirsty! So we offer water first, or try to distract her. She falls asleep with it, and I just don't think it's a big deal at this point. So, to answer the question, we're doing a very gradual weaning process until we can have a conversation with her about sending it to the binky fairy or some such thing. We want her to be a part of the process. It DEFINITELY isn't interfering with our little chatterbox's speech! (BTW, we do know she can fall asleep without it, because we forgot to pack it for her nanny share one day, and the nanny had no trouble getting her to sleep without it! miracle!)
Posted by: Amy | June 18, 2008 at 11:16 PM
someone please enlighten me! my daughter who is 2 1/2 never showed the slightest interest in a binky, so i haven't dealt with questions of how to wean her. but, why the universal agreement that kids need to give it up by a certain age? i've never seen a thread on urban mama where the responses were so consistent. amy is the first who broke rank.
like i said, i haven't dealt with this one, but i am so curious. as a baby and toddler i was very attached to my binky. i actually remember when my mom snipped the end of my only binky at 18 months, it was that traumatic for me. for years later, i stole binkies whenever we were around a baby and i thought i could get away with it. i never stole anything else, so it really was a binky thing. i just want to hear why people are in such strong agreement on this one. is it all about the teeth?
Posted by: jojo | June 19, 2008 at 06:37 AM
I agree, I'm surprised with the responses too. We chose not to worry about it and one day my son couldn't find it and he told us "it flew away". He was almost 3. I didn't cut the tips off because I read somewhere it was a choking hazard. Looking back at it I did worry about it but now I just think I gave it to him for comfort and to take it away prematurely would be unfair so I'm glad I didn't. My daughter had no interest in binkies at all so that was my only experience. I believe when they're truly ready it is not traumatic. I admit I was surprised by my son being fine with it but alot of people had told me when he's ready it will be no big deal, and they were right!
Posted by: Liz D | June 19, 2008 at 08:02 AM
We borrowed a trick from a friend that worked quite nicely. I took my 22-month old to the Build-A-Bear Workshop, and told her we were going to use her "pa-pas" to build a new teddy bear. We ended up picking out a large, beautiful bunny. During the stuffing process my daughter inserted 2 or 3 pacifiers in the bunny, where they were sewn inside. We then finished up the bunny building process, bought some clothes for her and named her "Pa-Pa Bunny". My daughter was very excited about taking the bunny home, though the day also included a few mourning periods for the pa-pas. It took a few days for the loss to fade away, but not long. And she really loved having the bunny to hug when she got sad about the departure of the pa-pas. Overall, it was a pretty smooth and painless transition.
Posted by: Erin | June 19, 2008 at 11:01 AM
Thank you all for this valuable post! My daughter is now 3 1/2 and still has a love affair with her binkies. She mostly just uses them for sleep, but they do creep into her daily life sometimes. At one point, I realized she had 6 binkies stashed around the house. We took her to the toy store and had her pick out something she really wanted, then write a letter to the "binky fairy" about it. That night we were able to convince her to put out half of the binkies for the fairy and she got half of what she wanted. Now I am wrestling with the other half. The other night she said she wanted the rest of her fairy present and put her binkies out, but by 11:30 pm with no sleep in sight, I caved and gave her the binkies back. Our peds and dentist both said don't worry about it, however the dentist was able to tell right away w/o me telling him that my daughter was a binky addict. His answer "there is nothing we can't fix with orthodontia" - great, I am funding his kids way through college! I will keep looking back at this site for ideas to wean the other three plugs for good!
Posted by: Camellia | June 19, 2008 at 11:27 AM
A friend and a family member have both had their kids package up their binky collections for shipment to the "binky fairy", who apparently needs them for distribution to new babies . . . corny i know . . . but it seems to work. Both these kids were 2-3ish at the time (nightime use). I saw the most recent "shipment" on the mailbox hooks one morning, and when night rolled around, the little guy was pretty shocked at what he had done, that the package had really gone (it had stamps on it). That was not an easy night, as others have experienced, but he got over it pretty quick. I like the idea that they take responsibility for it, and we plan to employ something similar when our time comes in a year or so.
Posted by: Ethan | June 19, 2008 at 12:17 PM
A friend and a family member have both had their kids package up their binky collections for shipment to the "binky fairy", who apparently needs them for distribution to new babies . . . corny i know . . . but it seems to work. Both these kids were 2-3ish at the time (nightime use). I saw the most recent "shipment" on the mailbox hooks one morning, and when night rolled around, the little guy was pretty shocked at what he had done, that the package had really gone (it had stamps on it). That was not an easy night, as others have experienced, but he got over it pretty quick. I like the idea that they take responsibility for it, and we plan to employ something similar when our time comes in a year or so.
Posted by: Ethan | June 19, 2008 at 12:18 PM
The parents here all have great suggestions! I am a big fan of the "binky fairy" myself which works great for younger siblings that have learned about the "tooth fairy". Also, if you snip off the end of the pacifier just a little each night it slowly weans them off of it. As a pediatric dentist, my professional recommendation is to try and get your child off of the pacifier by the age of 2 or 3. The duration and magnitude of its use will dictate the potential future oral problems. By using a pacifier past the age of three there is an increased likelihood for permanent changes to your child's jaw structure. Please contact me if I can offer any advice or support. www.visitworldofsmiles.com
Posted by: Michelle Stafford | June 19, 2008 at 07:41 PM
You know, people always told me "he's not as dependent on it as you think," and "he'll be fine without it," and I always thought "yeah, right." But, it's true! Both my sons had pacifiers, the oldest until he was 18 months (and the doctor told me to take it away because it may cause speech issues) and the youngest until he was about 2. We just eventually threw them away and told the kids that the paci-fairy needed her pacifiers back for the new little babies. And it did amaze me how well they adjusted, right away, without them. We have a third child now, and even though I've tried to get her to take a pacifier for soothing purposes, she refuses it, which I think will turn out to be fine by us! Best of luck!
Posted by: JMac | June 25, 2008 at 09:35 AM
You know, people always told me "he's not as dependent on it as you think," and "he'll be fine without it," and I always thought "yeah, right." But, it's true! Both my sons had pacifiers, the oldest until he was 18 months (and the doctor told me to take it away because it may cause speech issues) and the youngest until he was about 2. We just eventually threw them away and told the kids that the paci-fairy needed her pacifiers back for the new little babies. And it did amaze me how well they adjusted, right away, without them. We have a third child now, and even though I've tried to get her to take a pacifier for soothing purposes, she refuses it, which I think will turn out to be fine by us! Best of luck!
Posted by: JMac | June 25, 2008 at 09:44 AM
With our pediatrician's blessing, we allowed my daughter to keep her binky until she was 4. She was only allowed to have it in her carseat or at night. Leading up to her 4th birthday, we talked about her being a big girl and it was time to say goodbye to the binkies. We bagged tehm all up and I pretended to give them to the goodwill so other babies could have them. She never looked back. We did the same thing recently with my 4 year old son and his bottles. To me, four seems like the age for kids to comfortable give up their comfort objects.
I know some people think 4 is too old, but why? The pediatrician and the dentist both said as long as she isn't trying to talk with them and she doesn't have permanent teeth yet, there's no harm. She IS goign to need braces, but not because of the binky.
Posted by: Eileen | June 25, 2008 at 01:12 PM
My daughter was hooked on her pacifier and much to my dismay started using it in the hospital when she was born. After many months we only allowed her to use it in her crib at either naptime or bedtime. She used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming, find the pacifier or we'd find it for her, and she'd be back to sleep in an instant. We figured that getting rid of it would mean a few sleepless nights for us, but I was tired of dealing with it and wanted her to be able to get herself back to sleep when she woke up in the middle of the night. For about a month prior to my daughter's 2nd birthday, we told her that when she turned 2 that she would be a "big girl" and that big girls didn't need pacifiers. We gave her about a week of leeway after her birthday, since we felt bad taking it away from her on her birthday. We set a specific date that she understood, and she gave it up with no problems at all. She asked for it for the first couple of days, and we'd just tell her that since she was 2, she was a "big girl" and didn't need it anymore. It seemed to satisfy her, no fits, no crying or anything. I was completely amazed, but maybe it means that we should give our kids the benefit of the doubt when it comes to understanding growing up?
Posted by: angie | June 25, 2008 at 05:43 PM
We tried going for her 3rd birthday, but it was too 'sudden' and we realized we needed a serious plan. We picked the last day of her preschool year (a few months after her 3rd birthday) as her last binky day. Then we made a special countdown calendar, and on the day we had a bye-bye binky party. That first night was hell. Crying, wailing, like her heart would break. Took 1/2 to fall asleep.
Next night, 10 minutes. Next night, no problem. Makes me wonder if we should have done it a lot sooner.
The dentist told us that 3 was probably the oldest we would want her to still use a night binky, which is why we chose 3! Good luck.....
Posted by: Rhonda | June 26, 2008 at 04:31 PM
I forgot.. we had a friend with a new baby, so we put all the binkies in a package to send to a baby who 'really needed them'... which was very helpful.
Posted by: Rhonda | June 26, 2008 at 04:33 PM
question for everyone. i have an 18 month old daughter who uses a bottle as a paci...only for nap and at bedtime, and empty. She just uses it to self-sooth exactly like a paci, only for some reason she wants a real bottle, even though there's nothing in it. she has no interest in pacifiers. i am relieved to hear everyone waiting so long to wean at bedtime and naps. does anyone elses children prefer a bottle to a pacifier?
Posted by: ann | June 28, 2008 at 08:20 AM
Our pediatrician delivered the bad news to my daughter when she was 2-1/2. By the time she got to 3, no more "te-te". We anticipated drama because my daughter slept with one in her mouth and one in her hand (just in case). Daytime dependency was only an issue if we were in the car due to a long commute which usually included naptime.
We were planning a trip to Disney for her 3rd birthday celebration, so we explained to her that Disney is for big kids and big kids don't have te-te's. We reminded her about this every few times (not every time) that we talked about Disney.
She took some time to process this notion, but after a while, she asked if she could take the te-te's to Disney, but not bring them back home with her. I thought she was trying to stall or con us until she explained that "Disney would be a good place to leave them so they wouldn't be lonely without her". We agreed and she chose the special location where she wanted to leave them at Disney before we left the park to return home.
She never complained but, for the next 6 months, every time she saw another child with a pacifier, she reminded us how good she had been about "setting her te-te's free" at Disney.
Posted by: NanisMami | September 11, 2008 at 11:25 AM