Baby Weaning Blues
Many of us find that breastfeeding is an extra special way for a mama to connect with her children like no one else can. When the time comes to wean, we can be filled with all kinds of emotions including grief, guilt or even relief. We can choose to wean due to work demands, personal preferences, or purely because we feel our baby is ready. The experience, as with most parenting milestones, is different for everyone. But for all mamas, it is the end of a chapter in the lives of our children and for that reason likely affects us each in a rather profound way. Cyn writes recently about this experience for her:
I JUST weaned my daughter--my initiative--who just turned one. I have a very physically demanding job and my body wouldn't let me be in top shape and breastfeed, so I chose the latter since I returned to work (8 months ago), but now I have to recommit to my job and personal safety there. That being said, it has been so hard (day 4 with no cheating!) and has run me over like a bulldozer.I am having severe lows that come and wipe me out when I least expect it. I was not prepared for this, nor did I know about it. One of the hardest things is that my daughter never asked for the boob, but since being weaned grabs at her chest and says "nini" which could be anything, but my heart says it's the absence of boob.Yes, I have a counselor, but that only goes so far, and I'm the first in my mom's group to wean. I have tried adding more quiet, close time with my daughter but my emotions are running wild. I even made my husband promise me that a 2nd kid was at least an option...lol! How have other moms coped?
did you go cold turkey? maybe you're just having an overload of hormones racing about your body + crappy weather + mama guilt? i had to stop breastfeeding when my 2nd daughter was 8 months old due to medical reasons (i was getting debilitating migraines and had to start taking a medicine called topamax that would have been toxic to my baby). she is now almost 3 years old and i still have pangs of guilt, eventhough she is perfectly fine, fit and happy. the best i can offer is be gentle with yourself and know you're not alone.
Posted by: tracy d | June 05, 2008 at 02:04 PM
I don't have any advice other than to say what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. When I weaned my now 5 year old daughter at 15 months I had a pretty bad case of post partum depression. Talking with a professional from nursing womans council and my ob/gyn I found that this is very common. It can take a few months to get back to normal. If it gets too debiltating you can consider an antidepressant for a few months to get you over the hump. The fact that you are already hooked up with a counselor should also be helpful. Don't let the guilt get to you too much and remember that it takes 9 months to grow a baby plus you spent another 12 months nursing so it will take a long time to get back to "normal".
Posted by: Mary | June 05, 2008 at 03:13 PM
Is it common to feel depression when you wean gradually? I ask because I am down to one evening feeding (my boy is 14 months), and I am contemplating starting weaning in the next month or so. Should I expect to feel depressed (other than some sadness at the passing of that phase of our lives)?
Posted by: SJ | June 05, 2008 at 03:36 PM
I don't think I felt as depressed as I did insane. We tapered down to once or twice a day for quite awhile but when we stopped completely I had huge emotional swings and felt really bad. I was an emotional mess for weeks. I took some adrenal/hormonal supplements from my naturopath that helped and within a month or maybe less I was feeling much more stable.
I'll be weaning my second at some point in the future and it's so nice to know that this isn't uncommon. With my first I can't say that any of my friends seemed to have much negative experience at all with weaning and I had no idea what was happening, which probably made it all the worse.
Posted by: Aarin | June 05, 2008 at 05:40 PM
I really thank those of you that have taken the time to write so far! I know I'm not the only one to feel this way, but somehow hearing (reading!) that calms my emotions a bit. I did wean gradually--over about 6-8 wks. and before that my milk had been waning for quite some time. I am actually excited for my heart and head to work together again, someday soon!
It needs to be more ok for these things to be talked about...so again, thanks!
Posted by: Cyn | June 05, 2008 at 07:31 PM
Oh how my heart ached when I read this. Both my boys weaned themselves at 8 months. My second just flatly refused my breast one night (he was crying and I was trying to comfort him...) and it was like a knife to the gut! I knew it was coming as my milk supply had been steadily dwindling (I work full-time which included travel out of State and I was the PUMPING MAMA, airports, rental cars, hotels, bathrooms, I was committed). I tried everything to keep my supply up. My poor nipples were sore from the relentless pumping. Anyway, my son is such an big eater I think he just was frustrated/not getting enough and that was it. He was fine, but I too was full of mama guilt and true sadness. I felt like a failure because I wanted to go at least a year (I thought perhaps my first son weaned early because I didn't try hard enough). And like with the first child, the first few months I was the Dairy Queen Moooo. I could pump 20+ ounces a day in under 20 minutes. I could spray with the best of 'em. I felt so bad for those mamas with milk supply issues (many of whom are still happily nursing!). I am still navigating through my emotions. I know part of it is I am unfairly comparing myself to Mamas who can nurse their babies for years....and I am truly envious. I know intellectually that this does not make them better Mothers or ensure their kids will be healthier than mine, but there are always those seeds of doubt. Then I think of all the babies who got Formula from day 1 and so here I am squarely in the middle and that's ok!
Posted by: Erika Plummer | June 05, 2008 at 10:25 PM
I weaned really gradually at 16 1/2 months, and still felt pretty blue afterwards, plus it was the holidays, and we had a rough Christmas trip. From another mom's chat board, I knew that a hormonal shift & some resulting depression would happen, and I allowed myself to grieve the end of that relationship. I fought really really hard to be able to nurse (due to a 2 months premature baby) and was proud that i had been able to do it at all -- keeping this in mind was really key.
Feeding your baby, whether it's through breastfeeding, or with formula, sustaining them with care, patience and love, is such a critical part of having a newborn. Look for some new ways to connect and sustain your baby and your relationship as you transition; read a book and snuggle together, rock your baby as s/he has a morning cup of milk, make a pile of pillows and roll around together on them... Have some fun, and keep frequent contact with that sweet little body you've sustained so long.
Posted by: Kate | June 06, 2008 at 10:46 AM
I weaned my son when he was 7 months - I returned to work & my supply was not keeping up with his demand. Initially I thought I was okay with it but as I realized it was coming to an end - I went nuts starting drinking mothers' milk tea to get the supply going again - pumping more - taking pics of my son breastfeeding and I realized it was just not working. In the middle of it all I went nuts on my mother in law who was visiting - I just remember crying in my car in the rain. So many hormones & I read every baby book in the world I was not prepared for this, nor did I read about it. I was a mess. Don't beat yourself up. There is so much pressure on women nowadadys & breastfeeding - I think Mamas should be proud at however long they breastfed for - or even if they tried. Hang in there... :)
Posted by: Liz S | June 06, 2008 at 11:03 AM
just wanted to give a word of commiseration and support. i weaned our 2 y.o. at the beginning of april and i'm still emotional about it. he also doesn't ask for milk, but spends a lot of time with his hand down my shirt, like he's looking for something but he can't quite remember what. seems like he has that "i-just-can't-get-comfortable-on-the-too-short-couch" feeling. it's all too complex to write about here, but i agree that the wild emotions were something that i really wasn't prepared for. add it to the ever-growing list of "but no one told me about that!" that seems to grow every day. hang in there, and thanks for bringing up the topic.
Posted by: fpbsmom | June 06, 2008 at 11:26 AM
Boy, reading this does bring back the memories! My now 2.5yo forced our weaning at 10months. He just couldn't stop slicing my breast once he got top teeth. We tried everything (cranio sacral, different types of feedback. argh). He liked nursing, but I just couldn't do it any more. I remember that emotional roller coaster vividly - we cheated and I just took the injury a few times. Then, I remember feeling glad I was done. I had to really REALLY work to breastfeed.
I'd like to add that I gave up on breastfeeding my first after 4 days, because of all the same challenges I had the second time, I just gave in earlier. He's now 5, and both kids are wonderful. Neither get sick, both are bright.
Sadly, the emotional roller coaster was the same with both, and with my eldest, I was also still battling the initial birth hormones, too. It's TOUGH!
Posted by: Barb | June 07, 2008 at 09:04 AM
I too am having the same emotions. My son is down to only two feeds a day and I feel so guilty. I just wasnt making as much milk anymore and frankly the pumping at work to accomodate and get the milk supply back up was crazy. My son is doing great lcukily, but yet I still feel the bittersweet end coming. I wonder if much of the emotions are caused by shear guilt of hearing how long a lot of mothers are breastfeeding for as well as the guidelines. I think sometimes on this website those that quit at 6 months or 12 months don't speak up as much as those that go well beyond a year. I think nursing is such a wonderful gift we give our children and a gift that we are also given. I try to remember that I am lucky to have been able to feed my child and have those special times. I am sure these tough emotions will pass. I just try to remember that my son will only have a couple of months of formula and he will be fine (I was a formula baby- the 70's and formula was a lot worse back then . . .I have had one ear infection in my entire life!!).
Posted by: SKS | June 08, 2008 at 08:36 AM
I was surprised to read this. I really had no idea that there was much going on except for mama's missing that closeness. And I'm breastfeeding my 2nd now. I guess I was lucky in that my 1st weaned himself at around 18mos old and I just attributed any hormonal issues to being pregnant with #2 at the time. Thanks for discussing this and I needed the heads-up.
Posted by: KYouell | June 12, 2008 at 01:17 PM
I was surprised to read this. I really had no idea that there was much going on except for mamas missing that closeness. And I'm breastfeeding my 2nd now. I guess I was lucky in that my 1st weaned himself at around 18mos old and I just attributed any hormonal issues to being pregnant with #2 at the time. Thanks for discussing this and I needed the heads-up.
Posted by: KYouell | June 12, 2008 at 01:17 PM
I just weaned my fourth baby... he just turned one. I knew all along it would be hard to wean number four... knowing it's my last nursing EVER... I keep cheating... I even tried to google milk supply tonight trying to find out if I could restart it and give myself a few more months. It's been a week, but he still was ready and willing to suck tonight (bless his heart, he didn't get much at all) and he kept looking at me funny... but he willingly stayed on for 15 minutes or so, and I think he was soothed. (He has a stomach virus and I just couldn't bear to give him cow's milk. But I think he couldn't have gotten more than a teaspoon!) For me this is all about closing a chapter in my life forever... worse than college graduation or moving away from my hometown. I ADORE newborns, and can't believe I'll never have another one. I held all his little tiny baby clothes tonight and just sobbed. I guess it would still be this hard if I had ten babies. I'd always want one more.
Posted by: mom of four | June 20, 2008 at 08:39 PM
i am sitting here sobbing but feeling grateful to know this is normal! i just cut off my 18 month old a week and a half ago and i am starting to really feel like i am losing my mind. i nursed my first for 22 months (throughout my pregnancy and then 4 months of non-stop tandem nursing) and have been breastfeeding for over 3 years straight now. i decided for my 30th birthday i wanted my body back to myself. my 18 month old has been one of those kids who will nurse over eating food any day and i just was ready to be done. he spent a weekend with grandma and grandpa (just like his brother had done) and i had explained it all very well to him. he has taken it like a champ and understood what was happening. he has asked to nurse MANY times, but has been easily redirected with, no, we don't do that anymore, how about a cup of milk. i haven't really felt guilty at all up until now. i am feeling the separation between myself and both my kids now. it is a huge letting go. somehow rationally, it doesn't seem like it should ache this badly. any herbs or other supplements anyone can recommend? i fell very unbalanced.
Posted by: renee | September 30, 2009 at 06:15 PM
I'm just about to wean my son. He's 6 months old. Ive been pumping twice a day at work and frankly it's just really hard to do my job like that. My son would much prefer the bottle and it's much quicker to feed him that way. He also cannot tolerate dairy in my diet so I have to go without that. Ultimately as a mom working full-time I'm just finding it impractical to pump and spent adequate time with him when I'm home. At the end of the day I have to motivate myself to pump when I just want to sleep instead...I'm having MAJOR guilt overt this. I want to be the best mommy I can be and I go back and fourth about that this means. I ask myself is it better for me to play with him or pump for him- this is a tough choice! We already supplement with formula and he's doing fine with that. Also I'd love to start taking birth control pills again- so much easier than barrier methods. It seems that everyday I feel differently. My poor husband listens to me go back and fourth every other day... I'm confused and very very sad. I left my baby in bed this morning and came to work. I think I might wake him to give him a bottle because I miss that time with him so much. Hearing others stories helps me. Hope I can help someone else
Posted by: Elizabeth | October 12, 2009 at 06:32 AM