What's in a Name?
Seven and a half years ago when I got married I didn't think twice about my impending name change. It seemed that is just what happens when a gal gets hitched. Of course it is not uncommon for a wife to keep her maiden name, but the more wives I met the more variations and combinations of names I heard including a man taking his wife's surname. Now add an offspring and the possibilities multiply. Suzanne is in one such conundrum:
My spouse and I have different last names. Child #1, who happens to be a boy, got a first name, my last name as his middle name, and dad's last name as his surname.Now child # 2 is on the way (girl), and I'm thinking that I'd like her name situation to be first name, then dad's last name as her middle, and my last name as surname.I don't think anyone would care one way or another except us and of course, dealing with flack from grandparents. however, I was curious as to other people's experiences with alternating last names of the kids.
It's no fun trying to fly with different last names.
Unless you are going direct. trying to get seats together on a bumped flight or even have frequent flyer miles can be tricky when they set it up.
So I have gone from hyphenated to just the last part, my husband and son's and daughter's last name. It is on the drivers license somewhere!
Good Luck.
Posted by: carie | April 17, 2008 at 03:17 PM
Not necessarily the same situation BUT, I have two stepsons who share a dad (my husband) but have different moms. The older has dad's last name, the younger has his mom's last name, our daughter has dad's last name, and I have a hyphenated last name.
It is a major pain trying to explain things to people: flying, traveling abroad (passports), signing out a child from daycare, or (god forbid) at the emergency room when you are the only parent that can be reached.
All of it can be worked around. In the end though, it really comes down to how simple you like to make things for yourself.
Posted by: Melissa | April 17, 2008 at 03:22 PM
I think I'm a very modern, liberal woman of the world but to me an immediate family has the same last name. It doesn't matter who's name it is, but I felt it was important we shared the same last name. Maybe its antiquated but it feels right to me.
Posted by: Kelly | April 17, 2008 at 03:23 PM
I kept my name after marriage but always had in the back of my mind that I'd change it when we had kids. Well, kiddo is here and a toddler already, and I still have my name. He has my dad's name as his middle name, and my husband's last name. And I realize I kind of like having "my" last name still. Sometimes it does nag at me that we don't all share the same last name, so maybe one day I'll change it, but I've been saying that for ten years now.
And we've lived abroad, traveled a lot, and no one has ever looked twice at our last names. The most we ever get is "same last name?" then when we say no, having to spell out the other name. Maybe we've just been lucky but it hasn't been an issue yet (other than with the in-laws, who I think have just given up at this point).
Posted by: AH | April 17, 2008 at 03:29 PM
My boys have their dad's last name, I don't. I thought I'd maybe change my name when my oldest started school, but I didn't.
We haven't experienced any problems. The way I see it, there are so many combinations of families, what with step-families, combined families, etc., that nobody really notices/cares if we don't share the last name.
The only people who really matter (family and close friends) know I am the mom, and the boys are all brothers.
Funny--my uncle has two adopted children (each with different last names), two step-sons (with their own last name), and one biological daughter (with my uncle's last name). His wife kept her maiden name. Now that the oldest step-son is married and out of the house, nobody in my uncle's house has the same last name.
Posted by: KMat | April 17, 2008 at 03:46 PM
I have the same last name I've always had and my kids have my husband's last name with mine as (one of) their middle names. When I was pregnant with our second child, my husband suggested the baby have my last name but I really wanted the siblings to have the same last name. We've never had a problem with confusion from the situation although my 5yr-old sometimes hesitates when we, as a family, are called something other than her last name.
My sister hyphenated her last name with her husband's but now wishes she had just kept her last name alone for simplicity. She does, however, like having the kids' name in her name.
Posted by: AmyS | April 17, 2008 at 03:55 PM
I kept my last name. My daughter has a first name, middle name, her father's last name (sort of a second middle name) on her birth certificate, and my last name.
It's never posed any problems or confusion, even traveling. It's really no different than traveling with three friends, or with a maternal grandmother, or something.
Maybe it's no big deal to me because I come from a family with both parents remarried. My mom returned to her maiden name. So out of four parents, I only shared a last name with my father.
It really never mattered. People get very emotional about "what's right" and "what makes a family" - but it's no big deal in the end. And it DEFINITELY doesn't make my husband feel like an outsider, or like we are less bonded as a family. Just do what feels right to you, what holds some meaning to you.
Posted by: Amy | April 17, 2008 at 04:18 PM
When your daughter gets married, she might change her name. In which case she won't have the same last name as her siblings, anyway!
I can see how you'd want the siblings to share a last name, so they're the "X" kids at school, etc. But in the end, it won't make them feel more or less attached to each, I bet.
Posted by: another Amy | April 17, 2008 at 04:20 PM
I am old fashioned and knew I wanted to take my husband's name. It never occured to me to think about the process for (future) childrens names, etc. I just knew that is what I wanted to do.
But I also wanted somehow to keep my maiden name "alive"...since my father was the last one with it and it would dissapear with me.
So I took my maiden name as my middle name and my husband's name as my last name.
Posted by: Me | April 17, 2008 at 04:22 PM
I took my (now ex-) husband's last name when we got married and I wish I hadn't. I was reluctant about it at the time, wanted to hyphenate, but gave in to pressure from him and extended family expectations.
I didn't change it back when I got divorced because I wanted to have the same last name as my daughter, or at least that is what I told myself. PLUS, I started a new job right after we got married, and by the time of my divorce I was six years into that job and from day one I'd been known as SherylHisLastName, like it was all one word. It just seemed too overwhelming at the time, newly divorced with an 18 month old, to jump through the hoops to make the change.
However, if I could turn the clock back, I'd have kept my last name, or changed it back when I got divorced, to heck with everyone else, and to heck with the paperwork.
I say do what feels right to you and who you are, and forget about what anyone else thinks about the situation.
Posted by: Sheryl | April 17, 2008 at 04:27 PM
i am the daughter of a super strong, professional feminist mother who is steeped in tradition. she took my dad's name, but kept her last name as a second middle name, and uses it professionally as the only middle name. i did the same. i grew up with a lot of hyphenated named friends and with friends who had different last names from one (sometimes only) or both parents, and i always wanted my family to have one name. my dad was one of 15 (11 boys) and i have 70 first cousins on his side, so our name is never dying out. my husband is the only child of an only son of an only son, so we went with his name. plus, i have a rather unique first name, so my last name hasn't been needed to help identify me.
many of my fellow veterinarians use their maiden name professionally but their husband's name otherwise.
all of my family and friends with hyphenated names or different names live normal lives without many problems. we are an international family, though, so the different last names between parents and children has caused delays with air travel.
one of my best friends in high school ditched her cumbersome hyphenated name for a new one of her own invention.
there's no right answer. do whatever pleases you and expect to be criticized. i am astounded by how often i encounter shock when people discover i took my husband's name. but who cares?
Posted by: dvmmom | April 17, 2008 at 04:38 PM
Both my boys have two middle names, my maiden name as one. I changed my middle name to my maiden name when I got married. We all have the same last name, but MY family surname will live on. For some reason this has caused great stress on the Social Security offices of our Gov't. They just don't get it. I was told that their system is set up for three names only. We have had to get a total of five new SS cards since the boys were born.
You should do whatever feels right to you.
Posted by: holden | April 17, 2008 at 04:55 PM
I kept my name. We have two boys. One has my husband's last name and one has my last name.
Each boy has the nonlastname parent's last name as his middle name.
The boys are 5 and 8. I can honestly say that their names have never, ever been an issue. Not once. Not even with the in-laws (which surprised the heck out of me).
In my view sharing a name is the least important thing we share as a family.
Posted by: Zinemama | April 17, 2008 at 06:28 PM
I kept my last name and, similar to some here, it is one of my son's middle names. They have their dad's last name. I did want to have my name as part of their legal names just in case we run into issues with emergency rooms, flying, etc. It has never, ever been an issue, though. No issues with schools, hospitals, airlines, etc. Nada.
Posted by: Kristin | April 17, 2008 at 06:38 PM
While we didn't do it, I like the tradition in some countries where people have two last names, one coming from the father and one from the mother. When a man marries, he drops his mother's part of his last name and takes his wife's and the woman does the opposite. Though there could be some issues with this (what if you did not know your father's last name?)
Posted by: hidden | April 17, 2008 at 08:19 PM
I've heard that there is a new movement (or maybe old?) when the mom and dad have different names that the male children keep the dad's name and female children take the mom's name. I think they made it a "law" somewhere in Europe where all the names were starting to be the same I like this idea and wish I had done it! I have a different name than the rest of my family...no big deal on any level so far and only when my name is mispronounced do I wish I had taken my husband's name.
Posted by: smom | April 17, 2008 at 08:47 PM
My daughter doesn't have a dad, but it's always been my thought that if I do marry, she, I and the husband would all choose a name together from scratch. I would like my daughter to be part of the process, and most likely the man would adopt her. I know of a family where both of the kids took on new names with their spouses when they got married. One is now divorced and changed back, but the other remains married, and all family members were happy with these arrangements. I really like the idea of having a family name, and everyone having the same name, regardless of how it came about, but I also like what others are doing that I have read above. It's a brave new world!
Posted by: Debby | April 17, 2008 at 09:14 PM
Names have strong meaning and history to me. It sounds to me like lots of you have put alot of thought into the naming process (at marriage and for the kidlets). I like hearing that.
In our immediate family, we all share my husband's last name. I made the decision to change to his when we married because I really wanted that identity as a family and I'm a little more traditional than I'm willing to admit. I did change my maiden name to my middle name, and social security still lists me with two even though I never claim the original anymore. There wasn't a question in my mind that our children would have a different name. Our boys are primarily named for family, although one of my sons' first name is more meaning than history. If we had a girl, I wanted her middle name to be my maiden name and my husband had a tough time getting behind that so thankfully it was never an issue! I kind of wish we had done the same with our boys, but wanted to avoid the two middle name thing and really like the middle names and the family members they honored.
I suppose it would be odd if somehow I thought a name would end with me, or one of my children, but I don't have to worry about it as I have a large extended family. And even so, we searched the family trees for names, so might my children.
Posted by: mom22 | April 17, 2008 at 09:47 PM
Like many, I kept my name when I married, but the kids have my husbands name. I'd like to say I kept my name because of some great sense of identity, but really his name is just plain hard to spell and even harder to pronounce! Now, however I feel bad about inflicting it upon my children, but, oh well I'm keeping the in-laws happy. BTW my husband doesn't blame me for not wanting to take his name ;)
Posted by: pdxmomto2 | April 17, 2008 at 10:15 PM
I've always wanted to keep my last name, ever since I was in high school -- I very strongly identify with my own last name so I knew I'd have to find a husband who'd agree. now that we have three boys, they all have their dad's last name, though the youngest has my last name as his middle name. it's very likely we'll use "gilbert" as the last name if we ever have a girl; we almost did so with monroe but other things got in the way of that decision and it was easier to just keep it 'hanson' like the other boys.
we've never had a problem with the different last names.
i've actually been surprised at how many women i know *did* change their name; especially my business school classmates!
Posted by: sarah gilbert | April 17, 2008 at 10:39 PM
When I got married, it was important to me that I not lose my last name altogether, so I was either going to not change at all or hyphenate. Almost as a joke, I tossed out the idea that maybe he could hyphenate too, and to my huge surprise, he was taken with the idea. Liked the visual symbolism of the joining of families and cultures. So our new last name became Hislast-Mylast and our kids are the same. Hyphenating has been sometimes a pain, since not all computer systems are well set up for it yet, but I'm still happy we did it. I like all of us having the same name, and it being a "new" name that no one else in the world (I can say with some certainty) has. Of course, it helped that our last names combined are still only three syllables, so not too cumbersome!
Posted by: Anjani | April 17, 2008 at 10:58 PM
When my own parents got married (1979, Berkeley CA), they combined their last names - Schurman and Wingerd - to Schurwing. So, i grew up as a Schurwing. great story, but sooo hard to spell, and always - "oh, where is that name from?"
So when I embarked on my ever-so-brief journey into the realm of marriage, i changed my name in a heartbeat! post-divorce, i am still sooo happy with my new last name, and it's nice to have the same last name as my babe.
this definitely seems like a "to each her own" scenario. names are important, so it's good to choose what you like.
**then...when my own parents divorced, my mother changed her ENTIRE name. first middle last - to something completely out of thin air. and my father kept Schurwing for a while until he remarried - and then he and his new wife chose a totally new last name that neither of them had ever had! so many names!
my poor little bro is the last of the Schurwings. :)
Posted by: Sadie Rose | April 17, 2008 at 11:20 PM
My dear friend has the last name Lange, her ex has the last name Nagel (same five letters). So they rearranged those five letters to give their son his own last name.
My sisters did as you were thinking of...Their sons have their fathers last name and their daughters have their mothers last name. They seem happy with the arrangement.
My daughter and I both have my husbands last name. I figured that if I was going to be traditional enough to marry, I might as well go all the way with it. I like that our family all shares a "title", so to speak. Although.... my maiden name was prettier and I didn't have to spell it all the time!
Posted by: lea | April 18, 2008 at 12:08 AM
I'm traditional, and I'm even willing to admit it. :) I love that we all have the same name. I love being called Mrs. X (not Ms., thank you). We're a family first, individuals second. It works for us. But I know not everyone feels the same way! And now my husband really wants to change our name back to what it was pre-Ellis Island. And for the record, if we change our last name, we'll ALL change it. :) :) :)
Posted by: Elisheva | April 18, 2008 at 01:36 AM
I have my surname. I allowed the dh to keep his. My kids have a hyphenated surname. Never had any issues, ever.
There are times I wish we'd invented a new simple, surname for all four of us.
Posted by: philomom | April 18, 2008 at 08:08 AM
I kept my last name..my little rule was that if I would only change my name if I became a wife before I became a professional. Upon receiving my medical degree, and as a result my new title, I stuck with the last name I had at the time (my own last name). Now that I am married with 2 children, they have their father's last name.
I actually kind of like having my professional persona different from my personal/social persona.
I too have heard of determining the last name of the child by its gender. Girls with moms last name and boys with papas.
Posted by: Rebecca | April 18, 2008 at 08:16 AM
This has been a really interesting thread. It obviously varies from person to person, family to family.
My parents divorced when I was a child, my mom kept her married name until she re-married, then she took her new husband's last name. This left me and my brother with a different last name than our mom. I hated it. I'm sure my feelings were due to the situation I was in, but I felt like it distanced me from my mother (like I didn't belong to her anymore).
I would imagine that if the name differences have always been there, it may not be that big of a deal to a child. They would be used to it; it would be normal.
Now as an adult, I can look back at it all and I've realized something...a shared or different last name does not by any means equate the bond shared between people.
Your love will teach your kids who they are.
Posted by: Kim | April 18, 2008 at 09:08 AM
I kept my last name when I married as I strongly identified with my name and wanted to pass on my family name since myself and my sister are the last living of our family name. My choice had a little bit to do with politics but more about what I felt was right for me, and that I couldn't imagine being any other name. The thought of 'becoming' someone else by name just seemed so strange to me!
As a soon to be new mom, my husband and I decided early on when I got pregnant that we would hyphenate our child's name, so it would be: First Middle MyLast-HisLast. He also felt strongly about carrying on his family's name, and also for cultural reasons we wanted strongly to pass on both of our names. The order we chose was simply based on what sounded good with our chosen First and Middle name for the baby, so it just worked out that my last name would go first in order. Like Anjani said above, we also liked the visual concept of our family names combining that way through hyphenating.
Posted by: TJ | April 18, 2008 at 09:13 AM
oh boy, been there done that on name issues!
when i got married the first time, i was estranged from my father, whose surname i carried. i then decided to hyphenate my middle name (which worked equally well as a last name) with my husband's last name, and he took the same name (hyphenate and all). a very cool idea in theory, but pretty messy -- DMV couldn't handle it, had to actually pay to do a legal name change for both of us, etc. we did get compliments from several people how cool it was that he changed his name as well! it's a lot more common in the UK, but fairly rare here, to see a guy with a hyphenate. many times, also, people wound up just calling me by his old last name, or assuming the first part of the name was still my middle name.
we divorced before we had children, and both re-assumed our original last names. i met my current husband and remarried fairly quickly, and was NOT in a hurry to do any more drastic changes. i reverted back to my maiden name mainly because it was the name i used career-wise when i was younger, and it was a real pain to have two personae. (i've since reconciled with my dad, so my orginal surname doesn't sting as much, either.)
when it came time to figure out whose name my daughter was to have, it was no contest: she got my husband's. not from any traditionalist standpoint, but because she is literally the last person in his family line who can carry it on -- there are maybe 10 people in the world with the name, tops, and i thought it would be a neat gesture to give it to her.
it sounds like you have put a lot of thought into your decision. be prepared for some hassle potentially, but in the end, it only has to matter to you and your family!
Posted by: jenn | April 18, 2008 at 09:51 AM
Putting all of those idealism issues aside, sending your kids to school with two different last names is asking for problems. Keeping it straight when mom and kids have different last names is difficult, but an expected possibility, but most administrators, airlines, hospitals etc, are going to be assuming that siblings with the same two parents are going to have the same last name. It's not the kind of confusion I'd want to risk in a real emergency.
Posted by: e. | April 18, 2008 at 01:00 PM
Like Kim in a previous post, I come from a divorced family. When I was 2 my mother re-married, changed her name and 2 years later my brother was born and he had the same last name as my mom. I HATED having a different last name. In school I felt like people didn't think of us as real siblings and I also hated that my mom and brother got to share I name and I didn't.
When I married I took my husbands last name and I love that for the first time in my life, my family (my husband, 2 daughters and myself) all share the same name.
Posted by: jess | April 18, 2008 at 01:19 PM
I am due in a week and we are having a girl. I also kept my maiden name and my daughter will have my last name. That was the pre-pregnancy deal: if a girl then my name, if a boy then my husband's name. If we have a second child then they will get his last name regardless of gender. It is the 21st century and I think that women have been taking a backseat long enough on the name-game issue.
Posted by: c | April 18, 2008 at 02:42 PM
when I applied for my US resident visa with my husband who is a US citizen I was required to use his last name...I did not want to loose my last name and have to change my last name in my contry- which is a very loooong process and pain in the b**. I was told at the immigration office that if I was becoming a US resident because of marriage I had to use my husband's last name...no question about it. At the moment the most important thing was to get the dammed visa and I did not care. So I have two names, one for the US and one for my own contry. My baby has two last names, my husband's and mine...it gets complicated...but we never have problems..I think that because people know I am latina I have a complicated last name-middle name- issue...
We are a family, even when we all have diffrent combinations of last names, middle names and such.
Posted by: by-law last names | April 18, 2008 at 07:09 PM
I am a pretty liberal gal, but I have to be honest .. .growing up I did not have my fathers name . ..I actually had my mother's maiden name. It was very difficult as a child and a difficult one to explain. Certainly things have changed over the years, but I think it is still important to consider how your child will feel. Will the child feel different having a different name then their sibling and the other parent . . .just a thought. It influenced my life negatively and I actually changed my last name in high school. To add to the hyphenate comments- think about the nasty scantrons!!! It seems like a small problem, but I decided not to hyphenate as schooling made it difficult through highschool, college and graduate school.
Posted by: Shannon | April 18, 2008 at 09:40 PM
I kept my last name when we married, and our son has my husband's last name as his middle name and my last name. This is to honor my dad, who died six years ago, and to enable my family name to continue on for another generation.
Posted by: Suzame | April 18, 2008 at 09:45 PM
I took my husband's last name, while satisfying the feminist in me by having my husband take my maiden name as his middle name (which he did freely, of course). So now myself, my husband, and our 2 kids all have my maiden name as a middle name & my husband's name as a last name. Also, to even things out the kids have first names from my ethnicity, while having his ethnic last name. I figure it's a balance all around with no hyphenating, no confusion. And I still regularly use my maiden name publicly, so it's not just a technical compromise.
Posted by: JJ | April 18, 2008 at 09:51 PM
Wow. I always thought I was pretty liberal/feminist about this sort of thing. I kept my name. I really liked my cool, original and memorable name. My husband's name - not so cool, just difficult to spell. 5 years later - while pregnant with my first - I added his last name on so now it is first, middle, my last, his last. Officially my last name is my middle name. I spent a few years unintentionally hyphenated before legally changing and since making it official I've become just his last name. Since I grew up here, I actually like the anonymity of not having my maiden name. I LOVE all having the same name when it comes to school stuff for the kids. I maybe miss my maiden name professionally, especially since I was well established with maiden name and still confuse old friends/co-workers with the 5 year anniversary name change. My hubby would have changed his but honestly it didn't cross my mind. Another benefit - he has lots of siblings and I don't so my kids have lots of relatives with the same last name. I think that's kinda' cool since I only have a handful in the US and grew up being the only one in Oregon.
Posted by: Nic | April 19, 2008 at 11:37 AM
Personally I think the boys/men of the house having a different surname as the girls/women creates an unspoken divide. When I think of how I would have felt as a child having my moms surname and my brother my dads....well it would have made me feel wierd, like playing favourites or something. If my mom had kept her maiden name that would have been fine with me but having a different name to my brother? It would have created a negative feeling I dont think I could have explained.
Posted by: L | April 19, 2008 at 11:53 AM
I didn't marry until my late 30's, and already was a practicing physician; I couldn't see myself professionally as anything other than "Dr. Mylastname" yet I really felt it was important to have a family name--so I changed my last name to "Mylastname Hislastname" (no hyphen) and I go by Dr. Mylastname professionally, and Mrs. Hislastname for all other things. Most people when they see the nonhyphenated last name end up calling me "Mrs. Hislastname" anyway--and it's nice (to me) that I can keep my professional and personal lives totally separate. (If someone looks up Mylastname in the phone book, they won't find my home info, for example)
Posted by: KMD | April 21, 2008 at 01:51 PM
When my husband and I married, we were both very connected and fond of our last names and saw no reason to change them. We decided to give our daughter my husband's last name, partially because all his sisters have married and changed theirs. We decided to give our son my last name, partially because I have 3 sisters but no brothers to carry on the name. There is a 200 year old Norwegian chest heirloom with my last name on that I will likely inherit and pass on to my son. Also, I just couldn't fathom that no matter what, babies are named for their fathers. It just doesn't make sense to me, esp. after all I'd gone through with infertility treatments and pregnancy and more. Our pediatrician stated it well when our 2nd child was born, since her best friend had done the same. People would say to her friend's boy "that's so complicated", and he would reply "no, it's really very simple, I have my mother's last name and my sister has my fathers". I wouldn't assume for a moment that our solution would work for everyone, but it seems just perfect for our family and I love it.
Posted by: Kir | March 08, 2009 at 11:04 PM
In graduate school, a colleague of my mother's was trying to determine the ideal spacing between children. 2 years? 4 years? 6 years? Guess what? Any spacing was fine, provided the parents were happy with it. I think the same is probably true for last names. Whatever decision you and your partner make, if you are happy with it, your children will be fine.
Posted by: JW | June 14, 2010 at 07:04 PM
I'm newly pregnant, kept my name, and have the same plan as the question-asker for both feminist and sentimental reasons. My husband and I have been through several flights and a couple surgeries, and it's been no problem. Social institutions have just plain figured out that genuine families have different name situations. But the comments raising the issue of feeling distant from a differently-named parent did make me think twice.
What I realized in thinking, though, is that my cats seem to love us according to how we treat them. No one's love in our cat-people household corresponds with names assigned in fits of whimsy in near and ancient pasts. Hopefully our offspring will be at least as wise as our cats in that regard.
Posted by: j | February 26, 2011 at 10:55 PM