Daddy's in the ICU
Communicating delicate topics to our kids is something that can be difficult. Melissa's husband was recently in an accident, and she needs your help in explaining the situation to her son and prepare him for visiting his daddy in the ICU. She emails:
I need some help....my husband is in the ICU and has been there for about a week in a half. I need some book recommendations to help my 2 year old son. His dad WILL live but he had a serious head injury. His dad is not himself & looks different. I need to eventually bring him to the hospital but I don't want to scare him. I tried to draw a picture of what daddy looks like, but when I do that he looks like a monster. Trying to show a picture of a daddy with a neck brace on, one eye swollen and shut, and a scar that is like a rainbow over his head from ear to ear with staples in it that DOES NOT look like a monster is very difficult to do. I am planning to try to draw it on a doll or a stuffed animal to take away the scare factor. I am planning on buying a doctors kit. It is hard to find the time to do all of this while my husband is in the ICU & hurting & not himself. I am pulling it together for my family. I just need some more ideas so that it is not that hard to FIND the tools I need. Where do I get this stuff? What do I get?
I would recommend talking with the Child Life Personnel at the hospital. You can just ask your nurse to page them for you. They have everything you talked about in your post including a doll to make look like it has your husbands injuries. My daughter (at the time 9 months) was recently in the ICU at Emanuel Hospital and they really helped get me get books, pictures and play medical equipment together to help me prepare my son (2 1/2 at the time)for a visit with her. We used the play room to play with toys and enjoy being with each other before we went to see her. It helped that he had seen pictures of her we took that morning in the play room before he really saw her all swollen and hooked up to so many cords. His first visit went really well and I think he was glad just to see her. We have since spent approximately 30 days on and off in the hospital with my daughter and my son is not scared to visit and spend time with his little sister. This is all due to the continuing help I have received from the Child Life Department. I know first hand how hard it can be to help a child through this and I really encourage you to use this resource. I wish you the best and a good recovery for your husband.
Posted by: Erika | April 09, 2008 at 12:21 PM
I have little advice, I cannot imagine what you are going through and I want to offer some support and help. Is there anything that my family can to to help your family? Babysitting? Meals? If nothing else, I will light a candle today and keep your family in my thoughts, hoping that your husband's path to recovery is swift.
Posted by: Leah | April 09, 2008 at 01:44 PM
Melissa, I'm so sorry about your husband's accident, and I hope his recovery is as swift as possible.
I don't have firsthand experience with this issue, but I wanted to suggest taking a photo of your husband to show your son. This way, he can have time to react and process it in a comfortable place before he sees your husband in person.
I don't know about your son, but my 2.5 year old daughter is currently very interested in boo-boos, but doesn't find them scary or upsetting in any way. Her grandmother had a nasty fall, resulting in a grisly looking wound and stitches, and my daughter was just fascinated by it. It didn't scare her to look at.
I know this is apples & oranges compared to your husband, but just wanted to throw it out there for another perspective.
Good luck,
Rebecca
Posted by: Rebecca | April 09, 2008 at 01:49 PM
I work at a library and we have several kits for kids that have to go into surgery or have family members there. They include things like doctor's kits, books and suggested activities. Mr. Rogers has a series of books that are well-loved and sensitive, albiet dated, that are favorites. Perhaps ask your local children's librarian? Our staff work directly with our nearest hospital, so they may know of resources there as well. Best wishes for recovery. You are very strong.
Posted by: Amanda | April 09, 2008 at 02:55 PM
Talking to the childlife specialists is a GREAT idea. They have tons of materials and are excellent/experienced at setting up this kind of preparation in an age appropriate way. Also, it is good to keep in mind that your son PROBABLY will not be as upset by your husbands appearance as you are. Kids just don't make that mortality connection as much yet. He will probably be more upset by daddy not being home, but he might be quite accepting of the physical appearance. Kids are waaaay more resiliant than us grownups. Praying for your family.
Posted by: Laurel | April 09, 2008 at 03:04 PM
I don't have any advice for helping your son, but wanted to say my heart goes out to you. My husband suffered a head injury in a motorcycle crash when I was almost 6 months pregnant. It was a scary time. He still doesn't remember the first two weeks after his crash, but aside from his memory, which was spotty pre-crash, is functional and fine. I wish you and your family the best.
Posted by: Su | April 09, 2008 at 04:17 PM
I don't have any advice for helping your son, but wanted to say my heart goes out to you. My husband suffered a head injury and a bunch of other injuries in a motorcycle crash when I was almost 6 months pregnant. It was a scary time. He still doesn't remember the first two weeks after his crash, but aside from his memory, which was spotty pre-crash, is functional and fine. I wish you and your family the best.
Posted by: Su | April 09, 2008 at 04:18 PM
No advice, but I just wanted to wish you all the best during this tough time, and a speedy recovery for your husband. Hang in there.
Posted by: Zinemama | April 09, 2008 at 04:38 PM
What a difficult situation you are in. I am so sorry to hear about your husbands injury. The hospital should have a social worker or someone to help you with some of the secondary stuff like disability etc. Some hospitals have special programs like meal vouchers for those who are in the hospital a long time. My son had openheart surgury at 28 days and we were in the hospital with him for 3 weeks. My daughter was two and we really did not expose her to the situation, mostly because we did not want my son to be exposed to any unnessary germs but she really did not get the concept of the hospital and the seriousness.
Good luck.
Posted by: Momof two | April 09, 2008 at 05:14 PM
I am so sorry that your family is having this experience. I do not have any advice for preparing your son, although what has been said so far seems to really make sense.
I am not sure what your support network is like but I would also like to offer to watch your son or even to come to your home to help out with anything you have there (dishes, laundry, floors etc). I can imagine that it might feel weird to have a stranger help with your child or your home, but I would really like to do something for you that would help. I think it is important to reach out for help during times like these and so if there is something else that you need please ask.
I have a three year old daughter who likes to play and a master's in social work. I am currently not working outside the home and would love to hear from you. My email address is binusfamily@gmail.com.
My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. I hope to hear from you.
Posted by: Andrea | April 09, 2008 at 05:14 PM
Melissa,
My sister went through a very similar experience when my nephew was two years old, and I am not sure just what she did to prepare him for that first visit, but I do know that she was always very careful to have someone else that her son trusted along every
time they visited, so that if her boy needed to take a break there was someone (and some good toys) to help with that. And I am sure you know this instinctively, but the other thing she talked about was just taking it slowly and letting her son make the call according to his comfort level. If he just wanted to hang out in the doorway, that was fine. If he wanted to get closer and ask questions, that was ok too.
You must be emotionally exhausted yourself, so take care of yourself where best you can, and trust yourself to know what to do. Even though you are in totally new, terrifying and uncharted territory, you are the person who knows your son best, and chances are you will know what will work. I am glad to know about the Child Life Personnel in the hospital, and would definitely encourage you to look them up.
You are doing amazing work as a mom and a wife, and I wish you strength and trust in yourself.
Posted by: abby | April 09, 2008 at 06:33 PM
I am so sorry to hear this. However, I think this will be much easier on your son than on you. Depending on how verbal he is, make sure to be very open, matter-of-fact and offer "do you have any questions?" on a regular basis. Honesty seems to be the best policy here. I would also talk a lot with my kids and offer extra hugs, validating their emotions and then trying to go on with daily lives and routines as much as possible, stressing the temporary aspect of the hospitalization as much as is true. Perhaps remembering to reinforce that this is still your daddy and daddy still loves you forever. I think you should take a picture of your husband and show it to your son before you visit. (Take the picture close to your son's visit so he'll look the same - dad's looks are probably changing a lot day-to-day). I think that kids usually react pretty well to seeing the owies and bandages but all the equipment/tubes/wires can be scary. Many ICUs have a visiting age of 12 or 14 as you probably know. If you can wait until he's transferred to a regular acute care floor I think that would be easiest - much less "stuff" to see. I would personally stress to my child that Daddy is spending time in the hospital to rest and recover. Rather than stress the injuries, stress that the injuries are over and now he has to heal. I always reinforce to my children that the nurses and doctors are there to help take care of us. Seems simple but sometimes we forget the basics. As a child I visited my father figure at Emanuel after several traumas and I remember the fun things like the nurses giving me things, the gift shop, the ice cream in the cafeteria - not the injuries. As a nurse I can tell you that it's very important for you to do your best to take care of yourself at this time. Easier said than done, I know. But please don't feel selfish when you can find time to take a shower, a nap and eat some good comfort food. It is absolutely exhausting to be in your position. I know you have a lot to do, but maybe hang up some pictures of your family next to your husband's bed, a piece of art from your son and take a blanket or some slippers from home. That's good for your husband and the staff but it'll be good for your son to see some familiar items so it looks more like a place that dad is staying while healing. You have a lot of great advice here already so know that we're all thinking of you. I am so sorry for you and your family and wish you the best.
Posted by: Nic | April 09, 2008 at 07:07 PM
My heart goes out to you!
And, please, don't forget to take care of yourself during this time..you'll better support your family if you do something really nice for you.
Posted by: lea | April 09, 2008 at 09:07 PM
The Child Life specialists can be a real godsend.
I'm adding my name to the list of people available to babysit, pick up groceries, etc. WE don't know each other but my heart goes out to you and your family.
I have a 5 year old and a 2 yr old - both boys - and live in SE pdx. Our sons love to play with new friends and our schedule is pretty much wide open. If you think of anything else you need please post more here!
Posted by: peggy | April 09, 2008 at 09:55 PM
Melissa, I'm so sorry about your husband's injury. I can't offer any advice on the question you raised, but I would like to encourage you to contact the Brain Injury Association of Oregon on your husband's behalf, to find out about resources that may be available to him or to your family. Their web address is www.biaoregon.org. Their hotline phone number is (503) 413-7707. (The website also lists a toll free number if you are calling from outside the Portland area). The BIAOR director, Sherry Stock, is very skilled at helping brain injury survivors' family members navigate some of the medical and social service bureaucracies they may encounter, and at connnecting survivors and families with any resources that may be available. Again, I am so sorry about your husband's injury. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Posted by: Julia | April 09, 2008 at 10:44 PM
I'm so sorry to hear of your husband's injury. What a difficult time this has to be for you. I have no advice to add to that already given, but please, count me among those willing to help you out in anyway you need.
Like Peggy, I'm in SE, and have 4-3/4 and 2 year old boys, and would be happy to help with playdates/babysitting/grocery getting/making meals for your freezer, whatever. Just name it. My email is jj_at_monkey_dot_org. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Posted by: jj | April 10, 2008 at 07:44 AM
Thanks for all of your great advice. I think that I got a lot of useful ideas here. Yes, the first person I ran to was the Child Life Therapist at Dornbecker. She was nice and had some great ideas! I think that I will lean on her again before we go in to see Erik (my husband). I'm sure that over the next year I will be asking more and more advice from the UM community. Thanks for being there for me. I also wanted to reassure everyone. We have an unbelievable support system & I have USED it. I will USE it and I have no false ideas that I am fine to do this on my own.
I will be checking again and again, so keep the advice coming.
I was glad to hear about the library hospital packets - I went to boarders and got a bunch of 'doctor' books - but they seem not that relevant. They didn't have something closer to the car accident/head trauma subject. I was planning on going to the library & maybe I'll be able to hit that today (sometime around Eriks re-constructive plastic surgery - maybe I'll hold off till the weekend) The other thing that was relieving to hear is that Tanner may not be as scared as I fear. I WILL get icecream and try to make it fun. I have created a list of things based on your advice to work off of that I hadn't thought of before.
Thanks again,
Melissa
Thanks again,
Melissa
Posted by: Melissa MM | April 10, 2008 at 08:00 AM
Melissa, I can't imagine how difficult a time this must be for you and your family. My thoughts are with all of you. The child life recommendations are great. I am going to assume that you are at either emanuel or ohsu because of the level of your husband's injury. Both hospitals have wonderful child life specialists. Additionally, you can also work with a case manager to help you make it through this time. The case manager will help you with other resources you might need and perhaps help you get in touch with other families who have been through similar experiences. Sending warm thoughts your way.
Posted by: Erica | April 10, 2008 at 11:46 AM
Melissa,
I am so glad to hear you have good support because I know you must be needing it now. I'd like to add myself to that system if there's anything we can help with. Please, don't be hesitant to ask - I mean it.
I wanted to chime in because we recently had to help our 4 year old son handle visiting an extremely close friend with a nasty head injury. I had back surgery a year ago and was in the hospital for a week so Sam had some experience visiting in the hosital. Before my surgery, I worried endlessly about how he would handle it and what we found was that the comments above about it being a bigger deal for us than him were spot on. The only thing he had a hard time with was leaving. We did get advice from Child life and I can't say enough about how helpful prepping us all that was.
That said, the head injury was different. In our case, the person who was injured was a dear family friend we'd known his entire life and who had been my son's best bud and caretaker until just a few months before his accident. Our friend was only in the hospital for a week so we were able to wait until he was home before visiting but he still looked pretty much a mess. We prepared Sam for what Cedar would look like and explained it was a owie and would go away but honestly, it was really tough for them both. Sam couldn't handle seeing his beloved friend looking so unlike himself and just couldn't get close or even talk with him. That in turn was rough on our friend who tried not to let it hurt him but I'm not sure how successful he was given his emotions were all topsy turvy given his recent injury.
I hate having to write all that and wish I had a more positive experience to relate. I hope it will be easier on your little boy since he's a little younger but I think it's a good thing to prepare yourself for the possibility it could be really hard for them both and have a strategy for what you will do if it doesn't go smoothly. I didn't anticipate the feelings either of them would have about just how hard it would be for Sam to even look at his friend. In time, it all got better but here's a couple of suggestions having lived through it.
- The picture sounds like a great idea. If Sam had been able to see without having to process on the fly our visit would probably have been much different.
- I wish I'd done some more internal "role-playing" to give me some idea of where to go when certain things came up. We all felt such a jumble of emotions I wasn't at my best with thinking on my feet solutions.
- The suggestion to have someone else there who can support you all by allowing your son to leave if he needs to is a good one. That way you can stay and support your husband if he needs it. I'd also spend some time talking to your husband about how he might feel as well. With a head injury, and all the emotional stuff that comes with it, he may need as much preparing your son before the visit.
- Also, when I went to the hospital for my surgery we bought some little rose quartz hearts, one for each of us in our little family. We used them as totems if you will, something that symbolized our love for each other but that was tangible and that we could all hold on to while we were apart. It helped us all tremedously. Sam and I both slept with them in our hands for days. Maybe this would help both your husband and your son too, especially if your son does have a similar reaction to seeing his dad. I'd be happy to pick some up for you if you'd like - just let me know where to bring them and it's done.
My heart goes out to you mama. Don't forget to take care of yourself. My family are all thinking positive thoughts and sending all the healing energy we can muster for yor yours.
peace, kym
Posted by: Kym | April 10, 2008 at 01:56 PM
Hi again
After reading your blog I have another little idea. Since your husband likes milkshakes ... perhaps you and your son could stop on the way to the hospital and let your son pick which flavor milkshake to take to dad. Maybe in a 2 year old's mind it could help to bring something to dad. I know my daughter would love being able to "help." Thanks for sharing with us, you've got a ton of people thinking of you.
Posted by: Nic | April 10, 2008 at 02:27 PM
i love the milkshake idea. my 2 1/2 year old is not great with anything doctor related since a recent trip to the emergency room in an ambulance (he had a seizure.) however, he's really into playing "doctor" now. i think the toy doctor kit is an excellent idea and a lighthearted way for him to visit dad and "help daddy feel better". our prayers go out to you and please keep us all updated on your husband's progress.
Posted by: Virginia | April 10, 2008 at 05:56 PM
I am so sorry to hear of your husband's accident, and that you are having to go throught this difficult time. I don't have any advice, only want to relate what happened in our experience. I spent 3 months in and out of ICU/hospital wards at Prov Portland starting when our daughter had just turned 2. I was suffering from the after effects of cancer and had lost a massive amount of weight, most of my hair, couldn't stand up or walk and didn't have the energy or patience to interact with her. We had an incredible support structure which kept her balanced while I wasn't in the home, and after I got home and was recuperating. She now seems to have absolutely no recollection of that time, or of me in a hospital bed at home for 3 months, walking with a walker, tube fed and all the other indignities of recuperation.
I guess from all that what I'm trying to say, none too eloquently, is that your strength and that of your family and friends will help your son more than you probably realize. All the best to you and your family.
Posted by: Fiona | April 10, 2008 at 09:37 PM
I just finished reading In An Instant from Lee and Bob Woodruff which is all about their journey with his tragic head injury. I know this is not clinical like the other stuff I saw being recommended but it is her account and may offer some solice for you. I don't know if she is available through e-mail and the family website but you can check on that as well. Good luck and keep us posted.
Posted by: Kimmy Simon | April 13, 2008 at 03:55 PM