Mamas: How do you really feel about your bodies?
It happens to the best of us. It happens to me at yoga class. Sometimes. I look over to the fit yogi next to me, and I sigh. "I want to be as taut as she is. So young, so toned." It happens to me on the rare occassion that I get to go out on the town. At a bar or lounge, I will spy with my little eyes ... I skinny little thing with the hip and happenin' clothes, the fashionista with the slim hips and the perky boobs to go with the snug outfit.
I feel good, I feel strong. I hold my chaturanga for like 20 counts. More maybe. That's super core strength. And yet, I feel sheepish about my body. Sometimes. My body has birthed two lovely babies. BUT, my hips are wider than before, my tummy flesh is nice and flappy and stretchy, and my boobs are smaller and saggier than ever after all those years of nursing.
In a NYTimes article today, they ask: "Is the 'Mom Job' Really Necessary?" How do you feel about your body, post-babes? Confident? Wishing it could be a bit tighter and harder? Have you considered a nip, tuck, suck, lift, trim?
And, in case this whole conversation has inspired you to get out and get active, check out the urbanMamas fitness index.
I read the NYT article and while inn theory I completely agree that it isn't / shouldn't be necessary to make any surgical changes, what they did not touch on is the potential impact of seriously wacky-flappy stomach skin on one's post-pregnancy sex life. And I've got one amazingly accepting, anti-cosmetic surgery husband (bless him). And while I've heard personal stories about the heinous recover associated with the tuck, and even seen a belly buttonless aftermath, I admit that I'd like to enjoy the sexual aspects of my marriage without a shirt on. Now you can just tell me to chill out, be happy with myself/ my body, etc..., and that's all well and good, because I've thought that for the full year and 1/2 after the birth of my 2nd and last child. But before you wag your finger at me or tell me I'm beautiful just the way I am, you've got to see it. or I simply won't listen. We're not talking weight gain - I run - and am fine with that. Anwyay, it's moved from a no way to a maybe in my brain. And I never thought I'd say that. Curious what others think, have done, would do. I need context, mamas!!
Posted by: Lisa | October 04, 2007 at 08:05 PM
I am very self conscious about my body now and I never felt that way before. I am even trying to lose weight for the first time in my life. What really gets to me though is my lack of strength since I had the baby. So...I'm going to the personal training, running a few days a week and I'm starting to feel better. I wish I didn't have saggy boobs, but as far I am concerned that's just the mark of the mama. I am not giving up on my tummy yet though.
Posted by: meg | October 04, 2007 at 08:13 PM
I have to say that it's a bit hard for me to read some of these comments about how you all feel about your post baby bodies and how it's so different from your pre-baby shape. And how you are jealous of these women who look like you used to before you had your babies. Well here is news for you: your post baby bodies most likely are better than my prebaby body, and I probably speak for a lot of mamas out there! I have struggled my entire adult life to maintain my current size 12-14, and after I finished breast feeding, I managed to get back to my prebaby weight of 154. I am 5'4". Now I am not obese by any stretch of the imagination. Sure I can diet and exercise, but my current lifestyle doesn't really give time for this to be a priority. I have no man in my life and I am constantly thinking I have 2 strikes against me: I am a 39 year old single mother, and I am not a skinny woman. I am always aware of every bit of food that goes into my mouth and where it will land: my belly. I can't wear really cute clothes even after my body came back after pregnancy. I am always hopeful that I will lose 10-15 pounds and maybe be a size 10, but my body has always fought me below the 150 mark, and I just don't feel as healthy. So I guess I have come to a point of reluctant acceptance of my body, and I think at this point, I need to be happy with my shape so I can pass along a positive body image to my daughter. Just a few thoughts about all I ever read about losing post baby weight, and getting back in shape, and how it must make other, not so skinny moms like me, who haven't gone to baby boot camp or run a marathon, feel.
Posted by: debby | October 04, 2007 at 09:38 PM
Call me weird, but now that I've lost the pregnancy weight, I find my saggy squooshy tummy flap kind of endearing. It's a little snuggly place for my kiddos. And walking around the mall the other day, seeing all the teenagers squeezed into tight shirts and low rise pants, I found that bulgy bellies are actually very common. Are moms who undergo surgery any happier afterwards, I wonder? Do they live more fulfilling lives by not looking like they've born children? I totally understand about the strength, Meg, and I'm feeling way way better after a few months of weekly Pilates (Parks and Rec at Laurelhurst Studio) getting my back, abs and arms stronger. But for appearances, I'd rather spend the $10,000 on some exotic clothes bought on farflung travel adventures.
Posted by: Jenny | October 04, 2007 at 09:50 PM
Honestly, I'm happy with my body. I'm the same weight I was prebabies and I can wear most of my clothes again. Working out has consisted of lifting my 24lb 6mo son all day long and dance parties in the living room with my 2yo daughter.
I've always been on the zaftig side of normal so dreaming of being skinny isn't for me, I'd rather be a bombshell. Of course I don't love all of it, I'm kind of looking forward to my boobs getting smaller after breastfeeding because they are a bit obnoxious now and finding bras has been a pain. I'm glad my hips got wider because now the hourglass feels more balanced. As far as the mama belly goes, it's getting closer to normal and when I really need it to look flat, I throw on a pair of Spanx(sometimes 2 pairs)
I think plastic surgery is a ridiculous waste of money, especially when you have kids. I think it's more important to work out your body image and self esteem issues, if not only so that you can teach your children to have positive healthy body images, especialy our daughters.
Posted by: Marsina | October 05, 2007 at 08:18 AM
Overall, I'm still pretty happy with my body too...sure, when I see my younger, single co-workers wearing those rockin', sexy jeans there's a little bit of longing for the good ol days of perfect boobs and a flat belly. However, I'm far more in touch with my body now that I've had two babies. Delivering and nursing babies has given me a much stronger sense of respect for my body that I never had pre-babies. I'm amazed at what my body has done for me and my little boys. I agree that flat and firm is hot, but since having babies my body has a softness to it that I think makes me feel more like a woman. Of course, I'm ticked that I got stretchmarks from this second pregnancy, but I'm far too frugal and practical to consider anything surgical to remove them--they are battlescars of sorts, I guess...and something interesting for my toddler to look at when he sees me naked!
Posted by: Leah | October 05, 2007 at 08:47 AM
I much preferred my pre-pg body. I tend to think like Lisa on this one. I wouldn't get (or be able to afford) surgery...I'd be too afraid. I've never had surgery before and am not about to volunteer for it now.
For me its not about size, its about the effects of gravity. Some of it is simply aging (I'm 40 - that is a whole other topic!) but a whole lot of it in my case is from gaining 60+ lbs w/each pregnancy, losing it over a couple years each, and being pretty droopy afterwards.
So yeah, I'm pretty self-conscious too when it comes to the ole love life, and I must admit this change in my body has affected me pretty profoundly. Shallow perhaps, but its been an identity shift. One of many that comes with motherhood - but not my favorite by a long shot.
Posted by: anne | October 05, 2007 at 09:58 AM
Me again, just wanted to add - its not all external changes either. There's this cystocele/rectocele thing too. Fun!
Posted by: anne | October 05, 2007 at 09:59 AM
I'm with anne; the internal is a lot more annoying!
Posted by: sarah | October 05, 2007 at 10:05 AM
I can relate to Debby -- I've never been thin and oh would I like to be. Never say never, right? I was, however, in very good shape prior to becoming a mother -- did long distance bike rides. Now, I drive past gyms with a very wistful look, eager for the deep muscle soreness that is oddly comforting. I still work out, but not to the the point that I can say I'm getting in better shape -- just sort of a maintenance thing.
While I struggle with that -- trying to get in better shape -- I am hugely proud of having carried and given birth to two amazing children. At night, I tuck my hands over my squishy, poofy tummy and I am soothed, knowing how my body can do the incredible. I also love my husband even more because he still seems to be attracted to my squishy, nearing 40 body. For many men, it's not all about thinness.
Posted by: Kristin | October 05, 2007 at 10:47 AM
I'm pretty happy with how my body looks, stretched out skin and all. I don't even mind the new shape of my breasts. I grew up around a lot of tube tops and nakendness in the 70s so I feel like I have the breasts I always expected to have.
The only reason I consider a tuck is because my navel is really herniated and I think the muscles above it actually ripped in the second pregnancy. I've done everything I'm supposed to for the last year and a half but there's little change to that problem. I'm strong and fit elsewhere, this spot is still a problem. And it impacts my overall core strength, limits a lot of exercises I can do, and often is inflamed and achy.
It's nothing I can't live with. But I do have a vague sense of being broken, a little, and I wonder if fixing this would be worth it. But, the only way I'd really spend that kind of money and go through that kind of pain (and risk my life!) is if I has a serious loss in quality of life.
Posted by: Katherine Gray | October 05, 2007 at 04:37 PM
Another Lisa checking into this conversation. I wish we all could just be happy with our bodies. Sure there's beauty in all shapes and sizes but it's a difficult adjustment (at least for myself) when you've gotten used to seeing yourself a certain way and it has all changed. It took me over a year after my 1st kid to get back to my pre-pregnancy wieght and I still didn't look anything like I did before I got knocked up. I've never been one to be super-obsessed over my body but the new spare tire around my gut threw me through a loop.
In the end, I think it has been a positive learning experience. Having always been very active and never having to worry about my body too much, it has been good for me to realize that some things are out of my control. Working hard to lead a fit and healthy life is important but giving in a little to the inevitable decline of your body can be a relief. Obviously, having kids gives you a whole new perspective on what is important and I think that has helped. I'm pregnant again so for the time being I can stop obsessing over my poochy belly but I'm pretty sure I won't be as crazed about it the 2nd time around.
As for having surgery, I would say that's a very personal decision that should be made after you have done every other non-invasive thing you possibly can. If your new post-pregnancy body truely makes you unhappy, then do what you've got to do. For some people, it is important to fix what they believe is wrong so that they can move on in life. As long as these feelings are not projected onto others, who is anyone to judge?
Posted by: Lisa | October 06, 2007 at 02:21 PM
I will say that I have had "issues" with my body since I was young. It probably started when my mom enrolled me in ballet class, and I was shaped so differently than other girls. Through my eyes, the difference was ethnic. I was a Filipina girl - built with bigger hips, larger thighs, shorter stature, and - in later years - smaller chest than my leaner Caucasian counterparts. I was so sad to be so different. I couldn't do the moves in the same ways that others could, and my instructor did a good job of making me feel bad about it. Plus, all the images in the media were of women and girls who looked nothing like me. That definitely affected my impression of myself.
That's a little off topic, but all of it to say that I had "issues" (over eating, under eating, over exercising, really bad self-esteem for a big stretch there - fluctuating weight from under 100lbs to over 140lbs at 5'4"). And, those issues didn't go away until I got pregnant. It was only when I was pregnant did I start to appreciate my body for what it was. I fed myself well - ate what my body wanted, when my body wanted. After I had our first daughter, I continued with this approach, and now - after my second daughter - I feel like my body is so well calibrated. I feel like I know what I need, what food makes me feel good, what food makes me feel not so good. I know that I am active, and I can feel my body protesting when I don't get enough activity.
I do miss my pre-pregnancy body, but I am so much happier with my health and my body image now. I know I have wider hips than before, and I wear longer shirts and sweaters to keep them to myself.
As for surgery, well - my small boobs got smaller and saggier and wrinklier after the so many years of nursing. If they were lifted and augmented, sure that would be nice. But then they wouldn't be all mine anymore. And, I don't like the thought of that.
That's just my personal experience with my body - pre and post babies.
Posted by: olivia | October 06, 2007 at 02:58 PM
Yes, I could be thinner. No, my boobs are great, thank you. I love my mama body and would not change it other than the old "tried and true" eat better, exercise more, routine.
Besides, what message would I send my lovely daughter if I used radical surgery and gimmicks to shore myself up? That women must be perfect? That motherhood is bad for your looks? Pshaw and fiddlesticks! Get a hobby. Volunteer. Look at the mirror less! Learn to love the skin your are in.
Posted by: philomom | October 06, 2007 at 03:12 PM
Wow. This post is so on-topic for me right now. If you had asked me a few years ago about plastic surgery, I would have definitely said it was a horrible thing to do, so superficial and fake, and not worth the money or risk. However, after having my second daughter I've realized that I honestly just want to live a life where I feel strong, whole, able and yes, sexy and attractive, no matter how I get there. I had a hard delivery and recovery (still going on) and so the strong/whole/able part has been a challenge. And partly because of that, this time around I haven't lost anywhere near the same amount as I did with baby #1. I feel horrible about my body and loathe getting dressed in the morning. I don't have the time or energy to exercise the 4x a week it would take me to get into my pre-pregnancy #2 clothes (which were a size up from my pre-baby #1 clothes anyway), and even then, my fat cells seem to have a crazy memory about them: a few cookies and I have gained an instant 10 pounds. I just today finally went out and bought a pair of jeans two sizes up from my pre-baby size. I definitely don't like the way I look, and I feel like it does affect my life. I feel like I look about 1/2 as good as I did before babies. And this is with clothes ON. When naked, I don't even want to look in the mirror because seeing my saggy tummy slumping over my still very red and raised 3 yr old c-section scar combined with my huge stretch marks and saggy breasts makes me sad. (I know, I should be proud of the body that produced my wonderful children, but for me it's just not that easy).
The other day I was listening to a radio host talk about the newest craze in Hollywood called "lipodissolve" where they inject something into your fatty areas which actually dissolves the fat cells. For for the first time in my life, I thought "wow, I REALLY would love to do that". My problem is that my fat cells LOVE to be fat. And liposuction would decrease the number of them on my body. I don't know, it sounds crazy, and I can't believe I'm even saying it, but I think I would consider it in the future.
Life is too short to hate the way you look, and if I am still looking like this 5 years from now, I know I won't be happy. For the boobs, I think I'd take a great push-up bra, but for the saggy/fatty areas...I don't know.
Posted by: Laura | October 07, 2007 at 08:24 PM
Also timely for me in that I spent the weekend hanging out with six of my oldest and dearest girlfriends, none of them mamas and all of them great athletes and fitness fanatics. I felt a little out of it because I don't do boot camp or spinning classes and I no longer run... I'm actually okay with my body: the small shriveled boobs don't bother me much and my tummy's just fine. But all of a sudden I really miss that rush that comes with exercise and I realize it's time to get back to that somehow. Anybody got a gym with spinning classes they recommend?
Posted by: christinadw | October 08, 2007 at 09:42 AM
Stream-of-consciousness thought on this topic:
I still remember fondly from the movie "Pulp Fiction" the conversation between Butch (Bruce Willis) and his girlfriend Fabienne (who was that actress? She was divine) on the subject of pot bellies; Fabienne declared unequivocally that pot bellies on women are sexy, Butch's protestations notwithstanding. "It's unfortunate what we find pleasing to the touch and pleasing to the eye is seldom the same."
A little bit o' wisdom in a Tarrantino flick, who'da thunkit. (I mean, besides the "Le Big Mac" bit)
Posted by: rockstar mama | October 08, 2007 at 11:39 AM
So am I the only one who got bigger boobs when done breast feeding? I'd almost pay for shriveled boobs when trying to find a post-breast feeding bra! Boy, I wish I had a shriveled belly!
Posted by: debby | October 08, 2007 at 08:59 PM
Wow, excellent context for me, mamas. I am torn b/c I have always thought plastic surgery to be silly, and honestly am only bothered by this 6" skin business when in the sack. And my husband has NO problem with it. Getting a hobby, well, I already have about 100. Losing the mirrors, well, we have only one in the whole house for guests above the sink - intentionally. And while I wish those things in some way connected to the way I feel while in the sack, they don't. For better or worse. And if my girl ever wants to discuss it, I will be sure to share that it was not an easy choice and discuss the process, thoughts, trade-offs, etc... I went through to reach a decision. Helping her to make her own informed decisions that she can feel good about. Thanks everyone for sharing - this site is so terrific for broadening my horizons. BTW, I'm nowhere NEAR signing upfor this. Just pondering after a shocking view last week. PS - I'd fix my insides first, if I could. One stage 4 tear, too many. I've got no problem running with a "diaper" on for the rest of my life... now if only there were some sort of $5 fix I could buy at Freddies'
s for the baggy stomach, I'd be all set!
Posted by: Lisa | October 09, 2007 at 10:51 AM
As a husband, though my wife has gained several pounds after two pregnancies, she is still beautiful in my eye. But I supported her lipo-suction cosmetic surgery because it makes her feel good about herself.
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