About Poop: Holding it In
Sadie Rose posted this question on one of our favorite previous posts, About Poop. However, we definitely think it needs special billing. Read on:
I have a new poop situation to investigate. My son is just shy of 3 years old. As far as potty training goes, he isn't that into it. He sometimes sits on the potty, but then wants to get up and put a diaper back on. Anyway, the main issue I am having, is that he only poops every few days. Further, when he finally does poop, I really have to talk him into it. I swear, he's not constipated. It's not like he's trying and can't, it's that he needs to, and won't. I can tell when he needs to, because he does this little "i need to poop dance," and, sometimes he will run into the bedroom to lay down! Laying down, I gather, makes him not need to poop as badly. It really has become an odd battle of wills. I make sure to feed him all the poop-enabling stuff, but what it really takes is a few minutes of me telling him it's time to poop and that we can't do anything else until he poops. Sometimes i have to tell him he can be alone in mommy's room until he poops, and then i leave him and he's pretty happy to do it by himself. HAS THIS HAPPENED TO ANYONE ELSE? I am baffled. I think he should poop everyday, don't you? Again, I am nearly positive that it is a psychological situation moreso than a food/constipation issue. I would love to hear anyone's info or ideas. If anyone wants to email me, it's sadiedeluxe@gmail.com. p.s. He used to do a similar thing when he was a bit younger, and then he started pooping a lot again, and now he's back to selective pooping. Thanks!
The same thing happened when I potty trained my son. He had a real aversion to pooping in the toilet and would go for days holding it in. But a year later, he is a regular pooper and I almost had forgotten about this issue, so there is hope for you. I ended up forcing the issue with my son. I'm not sure this would work for every child, but mine just needed a little push. I would wait until I could tell he was doing the need-to-poop dance and then I dragged him kicking and screaming onto the potty. There were tons of tears accompanied with lots of loves from mom and words of encouragement. I just told him that he was growing up and part of growing up is learning how to poop into a toilet and that I would be there every step of the way, but he had to learn how. Anyway, long story short, it only took a week or so before he had it figured out and as he became more comfortable doing it, he became much more regular. I wish you the best in your poop training.
Posted by: Kelli | August 13, 2007 at 09:48 PM
Hi, Sadie! Ah, your poor little guy. My brother did the exact same thing, only he'd hide in a closet. Clara did something similar, which I think is a bit unusual for girls. Only with her it was that she's a pretty animated pooper--lots of red-faced grunting--and as she was just approaching three and getting ready to potty train, she became self-conscious about her pooping style. She would run into her room and slam the door and yell at us, "DON'T LOOK AT ME!" And then she'd do her thing and we'd change her like it was all normal.
In your situation, I wouldn't worry about him pooping every day. It won't hurt him to only go every few days. But when you see the signs have him go lay down in the bathroom, perhaps with a favorite blanket, so he starts to get comfortable doing it there.
And as for the potty training in general, for us, it took sticker bribes. When she was physically ready (it took her a while to be able to hold it) she really couldn't be bothered to make the trip (and sometimes still has issues with this!) and needed some encouragement. One sticker for pee, two stickers for poop.
The other thing you can do when he's ready to sit on the potty, is tell him the pee and the poop live in the potty, that's where they belong, and he needs to help them get there. That worked for a friend's kid and it seemed to resonate with Clara, too.
Good luck!
Posted by: thisKat | August 13, 2007 at 10:56 PM
He doesn't need a daily poop. Take some comfort in knowing that every three days is within the normal range. However, if you feel like it's not often enough for him, you are probably right. How about his eating habits - most kids that age aren't really eating as much as they used to. Or at least not regularly. So they probably need to poop less often. My kiddo is the same age and here are some things that helped poop come out around here: (1) Keeping lots of books by the toilet, especially "Everybody Poops." We spent lots of casual time in the bathroom with her on the potty. Like we have all the time in the world to hang out in there and read books. "You don't have to poop, you just have to sit there for 5 minutes while we read books." If kiddo is holding poop and gets relaxed on the potty, it's bound to come out.(2)Choice between the little potty and the big potty (with a booster seat on - that booster works wonders everytime, it must be most comfortable) (3) Letting her watch (casually of course) mom and dad poop "Oh look ... I pooped. Now I'll wipe. Now I'll flush. Bye poop. Now I'll wash my hands." (4)A rule that all poop goes in the potty. If you poop in your diaper/underwear, it still has to go to the potty. "Let's go dump it in the potty. All poop goes in the potty". She quickly found that she would rather put in the potty in the first place than have to help clean it up.
Good luck!
Posted by: Sarah | August 13, 2007 at 11:53 PM
My son did exactly the same thing. We were told by an aunt who taught preschool for 30 years that this is pretty normal. It's one area in their lives where kids can exert some control. We tried all of the relaxation, reading, comfort, and privacy measures we could think of, to little avail. What finally worked for us were time, consistency, and a little bribery when we felt he was ready. It took until he was a few months past four until he would go on his own, so hang in there, it will happen.
Posted by: Julie | August 14, 2007 at 07:30 AM
I am a preschool teacher of 12 years and mother of a four year old son. My little guy had a severe and chronic case of poop "withholding" (the pediatricians' term, sounds weird doesn't it?). The issue is finally totally resolved (going on his own every 2 days or so) after almost a year.
I've done tons of research and talked to so many parents about this, it really is fairly common just something most people don't talk about (go figure). Relaxing on the toilet is a good plan, also for us when we see him doing the dance (he'll also ask for a lot of hugs in a semi-anxious way when he is stalling a poop) we insist that it's time to sit. We talk about it alot: "when you make that sound/squirm/act like that it tells me your body needs to let some poop out" "how does the poop feel?" "Let's ask it to come out." etc. Nothing worked every time but books, laughing, reading, drinking warm water, and hugs and back rubs while sitting have all been winners.
The thing to know about this is that often when kids hold like that it's because at some point they've had a painful or really large poop as their poops got more solid and they're actually trying to avoid another painful/uncomfortable experience. They may actually be afraid of straining or pushing and it becomes a reflexive thing, when they feel pressure on their bums they clench up. Alot of people I've talked to think their kids are doing this intentionally or have "control" over it but I really think they are usually reacting to a negative association to the feeling of pooping. Of course it can quickly become complicated by our reactions and the whole potty training dialog etc.
One thing that worked really well for us is that we started using flax seed oil (I put two teaspoons in my son's warm ovaltine every morning) and it keeps him regular and keeps the poop from getting hard or dry. Our previous pediatrician suggested mineral oil but that seemed gross to me and I was so relieved to find out about the flax seed oil because it is also so nutritious for him.
He still goes two or three days between poops some times but we don't have to do suppositories or any nightmare screaming bathroom visits like before.
Offering a pull up (just for poop) is totally ok even for potty trained kids, I can assure you it is not going to send them back to the beginning with potty training. My son had this problem when he'd been holding for a few days he would start to have little leaks of poop and it would make it even harder for him to relax because he spent so much time trying not to poop in his underwear. Telling him he could ask for a pull up when he felt nervous about his underwear helped to ease alot of the stress around the whole thing.
I was baffled when this happened to my guy, after 12 years in child care I had never experienced this since it's something parents were dealing with at home and not talking to us teachers about. Good luck to you and your little people, keep being creative and know that there are always many other parents experiencing the same things you struggle with.
Posted by: Jessica | August 14, 2007 at 08:53 AM
If he holds it for more than 3 days, I would think about calling your pediatrician. This happened to my sis-in-law while she was potty training one of her sons. He would refuse to poop. Well, eventually, he was holding it in so bad, they had to give him suppositories to make him go. Not a pleasant experience for anyone to say the least. Good luck.
Posted by: Hope | August 14, 2007 at 08:56 AM
My 3+ boy has never had a poop issue per se but used to be a several times a day pooper. He's down to once a day now that we're potty training. What I can offer is a second to the idea of offering a diaper/pull-up for it. He poops daily at nap time in his diaper and knows he can ask for a diaper only for poop. He tries to do it on the potty but can't seem to get it to come out yet. I think it has to do with positioning as he likes to lie down to poop. In any case, if you're more concerned about him pooping as opposed to where he does it, try the diaper offer. I know several boys in this age range who do it this way and are now moving into using the potty more. Good luck!
Posted by: Tracy | August 14, 2007 at 09:16 AM
I am no expert on this, but reading through these responses it seems to me like maybe some parents are forcing the issue a little too much. I would think that the constant trying to make him go might just put pressure on him (especially if like another poster said, he's trying to avoid a hard/difficult poop from his past).
When my son potty trained, honestly i was so busy I didn't watch the poop part, and he took it up on his own. Now i never ask if he needs to go, and sometimes it will be a few days. But, suddenly, he will run and do it. I think if I were to push him, with his personality it would be a tug-of-war.
So, if I were in your situation, I would honestly just sit your child down and explain that poop lives in the potty, everyone puts their poop there, etc. and then tell him that you expect him to go on his own and won't be asking him anymore. Then, I would give him lots of juice/water to make sure he's well hydrated, and then some raisiny food (or oatmeal cookies with raisins?) and let nature take it's course. I think forcing kids to poop can turn into a power struggle because like another poster said, it is one of the few things they can control at this age.
Good luck!!!
Posted by: Laura | August 14, 2007 at 04:21 PM
I thought of one other thing. When I potty trained my son (about the same age as yours), a friend who visits a child psychologist recommended I get my son totally naked from the waist down to potty train him. I got him naked and told him where our poop & pee belonged, and then let him know it was his responsibility to go when it was time. I know kids are under a lot of pressure to 'not poop in their underwear', and maybe that pressure can lead to withholding. My son was having a lot of problems not going in his training underwear, and we were totally starting into a power struggle (I don't want to wear diapers, but then he would go into his underwear). Surprisingly, I didn't get the accidents all over the house that I expected with a naked toddler, and he did learn really quickly. I didn't ever ask him if he needed to go because it hadn't worked in the past (he'd say no and then 2 minutes later wet himself) and also, he is in a preschool that will not remind kids...so I had to have him decide on his own.
Maybe getting him naked for a few days would shake up this pattern? You could tell him you aren't going to ask/suggest anymore, but that he needs to go do it when he feels the poop is ready to come out. I would also remind him that it's not good for his body to keep the poop inside. You could try it for a few days and see if it will help. The naked thing lasted about 5-6 days before my son was totally trained!
Posted by: Laura | August 14, 2007 at 04:47 PM
Everett, who recently turned five, *still* holds his poop in sometimes, when he's having what he calls "owie poops" (and I think that means he *is* constipated, but it always magically comes out anyway). he certainly doesn't have a stellar diet despite my best intentions! he does a lot of the same sorts of things, insisting that he has to lie down to make his 'poop feeling go away' and even holding in his pee because he's afraid it will make him poop.
we've tried the 'forcing the issue' thing and it doesn't work. his will is far too strong. i *do* try and show him some tips & techniques, like blowing (if you relax your mouth muscles, it will relax your sphincter -- little tip I picked up from a birth book :) or drinking water / juice. but still sometimes he waits a day or even more after his initial refusal to poop. once his dad brought a little tv in the bathroom, sat him on the toilet, and put on his favorite dvd -- he told us that he pooped, pulled his pants up and closed the toilet, only to discover later he hadn't. so much for that idea.
I've been reading a book about feeding issues as it's been a big problem for us, and one of the things the book recommends (and I had, fortunately, been starting already) is to just teach children about the health benefits of certain foods, and encouraging them to make their own food choices. so, I tell him that (for instance) bananas help you to poop more easily, so occasionally when he's feeling that owie poop feeling he'll run and eat a banana! I feel so superior (until the next time when he starts screaming in 'pain' because 'his bottom hurts' -- I'm entirely unsure if it really hurts or not given my recent injured tailbone during which that was a constant refrain in the house). i like the idea of flax seed oil -- once i fed everett castor oil, and he didn't seem to hate it.
Posted by: sarah gilbert | August 14, 2007 at 05:51 PM
My daughter is 2 1/2 and she pees on the toilet but asks for a pull up for the pooping. She has tried to poop on the potty and only been successful a couple of times. She wants to poop in her diaper and poops almost everyday and sometimes more than once. She has no problem controling it, but the pull up is more comfortable for her so we just go with it. She asks for the pull up we hand it to her and she goes in the other room, poops, and then asks to be changed. Then we put the panties back on. No stress for any of us. Good luck to you.
Posted by: Andrea | August 14, 2007 at 06:58 PM
My son was fully potty trained by age 3, but refused to poop in the toilet (even though he "could" ). He asked for a pull-up every time he needed to poop and we obliged. At about 3 1/2 he decided to finally start using his little potty for pooping, but only when he'd been pestering us for a certain toy and we said okay, but only for a poop present :). He'll be 4 in a few weeks and has pooped on the potty every since. But there was definitely a time when I thought I'd be changing poopy diapers forever--hang in there!
Posted by: H | August 14, 2007 at 09:22 PM
I have a six year old son who has recently started making it to the potty consistently for pee and is still struggling with poop. Admittedly, my experience has made me hyper-sensitive to potential issues down the road but I would absolutely encourage you to discuss it with your Pediatrician sooner than later.
We finally (just last week) found a new Pediatrician that took the issue seriously and is helping us rather than telling us to just "hang in there". He has made it to the potty for the last couple of days. Unfortunately, his colon is now compromised from holding his poop for the last couple of years and he will be on laxatives for the next four to six months.
I don't think anyone with a three to four year old having a hard time getting the hang of pooping on the potty is headed down the same path as we have found ourselves on but I really wish we could have helped our son earlier so that he didn't end up here. His confidence is lower than it should be and he is more emotional than he used to be.
Best of luck to you and good job seeking advice from this wonderful community! Sorry again to provide the "horror" story. I really don't think this will be your experience but I certainly do think it is an issue to be discussed and, hopefully, resolved early.
Posted by: Cindy | August 15, 2007 at 09:29 AM
Plenty of good advice for you but I have a new twist to share. Even before we were potty training my son, we discovered that he was avoiding pooping. Probably because it was painful at some point. Combine this tendency with a 4-5 day diet of chocolate milk (he was sick and on antibiotics so I figured at least it has some protien!). When he had not pooped in almost 7 days we all chalked it up to not eating very much. Well, he complained and complained all week long -- I took him to the doctor 4 times that week and every time they palpated his tummy and announced -- doesn't seem constipated. Finally we were so frustrated (and the doctors were tired of me coming in!) that the doctor gave us the option of getting an xray. I knew something was up and took them up on it right away. Two hours and 3 poops later (I had to borrow a diaper from a mom in the xray waiting room!) the doctor confirmed that he had poop clear up to his rib cage. Four days and 35 poops later, he seemed to get some balance in his world. From there we found that we needed to limit him to his morning chocolate milk and add some Benefiber to keep him regular. Worked much better than mineral oil and we had to maintain it until he was about 4.5 and we could really talk through the poop issues. Good luck.
Posted by: Peggy M | August 15, 2007 at 02:20 PM
thank you all so much for all of these stories and information!
Posted by: Sadie Rose | August 15, 2007 at 11:54 PM
Sticker bribes worked wonders for getting my 3-year-old to start pooping in the potty instead of in fresh pull-ups. He also has a strong preference for pooping on the big potty instead of the little potty (which he still thinks is fine for peeing).
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