Judgment, honesty, and what we're doing here
A few weeks ago, I got an email from a reader to my blog. She titled it "obese" (for a moment, I thought it was spam) and pasted in a photo of Everett I took when he was about two, and I had looked up his height and weight on a BMI chart and found him to be morbidly obese, according to the government's calculations. (He was, and still is, a muscular, healthy kid, who obviously just doesn't fit the chart for "normal.")
She wondered why I talked about healthy eating so much but had an obese child! She wondered why the police picked up my children all over the neighborhood (during the snow day, Everett was so excited that he ran ahead of pregnant me and slow Truman, towards the park, and was found by a policeman as I hunted for him a few feet away). She wondered how I could have three children when I couldn't even take care of one. In essence, she wrote all those things I think in my dark times.
She wrote all the worst invections I use against myself, when
I'm feeling overwhelmed, out of control, so damned imperfect. She
wondered why I "pretend I'm perfect."
It was a blow. But I've come across people like her before, on Blogging Baby, where I wrote several times daily for two years before moving into the role as editor of BloggingStocks, which has an equally passionate but much less judgmental audience (yay for that). And I didn't immediately question my role as a parent, or decide to take down my personal blog altogether, or even cry. I've developed a bit of a thick skin.
But not everyone has. In fact, moms as a group are some of the most susceptible to this sort of shrieking judgment. While most of us wanted to be parents, very few of us had any sort of real preparation for what life would be like. We read the pregnancy books, it's true, and we joined the due date forum on Babycenter. Maybe we started a blog, maybe we had friends or sisters who were new parents, who helped us acclimate.
Let's face it, though, there's no college degree, no job experience that really prepares you to be a mother. To be a mommy-mommy-mommy, to be needed 24 hours a day even if you have to work 6 or 8 or 12 of them, to have everything in your life and body change, to change your sig file from some funky quote from a beat poet to "Sarah, mama to Everett, 4.5, and Truman, 22 months! <3 :)" To have the way everyone in the world looks at you change; to have a constantly evolving challenge for which you're not ever sure you're qualified. Because no child is perfect, no parent is perfect, no family relationship is perfect.
That why we need a community that only supports, only helps, only loves, only tells the truth constructively. That never, ever judges people for their human-ness -- but is, at the same time, frank and useful. That's what we created at urbanMamas, that's why we love Portland so much (because we found you!), that's why we're able to get through some of our worst days, our nastiest emails, without deciding to throw in the towel. That's why sometimes, we'll remove comments that don't support this community, that rain down personal judgment to other mamas. Maybe I can handle it (sometimes). But maybe it's a hard day for you. Maybe you can't.
And if there's one thing we want to do right, it's that: to protect we mamas from the judgment that we're all too eager to bring on ourselves.
(This doesn't mean that we don't want negativity here. We love negativity, if it's appropriate -- if you tell me you had a bad experience at a restaurant, or if you want to throw your pediatrician in the reject pile, we support your frank yet compassionate reviews. That's also what we're about. Please continue to report the truth from wherever you are.)
Hi Sarah,
It hurt my heart to read the beginning your post. I know that my skin isn't thick, but I just can't fathom someone wanting to spend precious moments of their life trying to tear another mama (you) down. Thank you for being the strong mama that you are and thank you for reaffirming why I bookmarked urbanMamas on my computer.
S
Posted by: S | March 15, 2007 at 04:24 PM
Thanks for sharing your process. Yes, community needs negativity too, or we're back to smiling at the dinner party and then stabbing each other behind the back. BUT, judgment is NOT what this community needs. Thanks for helping me articulate this important difference, between negativity and judgment.
Posted by: Little giraffe | March 15, 2007 at 04:55 PM
I'm so sorry to read your post! I know that I could not be a mother without knowing I can be frank about my experiences and know that I have people that still love and support me and who know I'm a good mamma. I often wish I could delete comments from others as soon as they come out of their mouths:)
Posted by: Rosanne | March 15, 2007 at 07:31 PM
I really appreciate both the R.E.S.P.E.C.T posting, and this one. It's nice to reassess why we're here, now that UM has grown from the tiny little community it once was. What I have always liked about this site is the underlying feminist principles that is often absent in so many parenting forums. In essence: You have your experience, and I have mine. They can be different, and equally true. I can be nourished and empowered by listening to your story and telling mine. I do not need to belittle your experience in order for mine to be valid. Each of our perspectives is unique to us and at the same time, woven together by our shared commonality as mamas.
The world out there (even the mothering world) can be horribly competitive and degrading, where women disregard, plagiarize, undermine, attack, and "out-do" eachother. It can feel very unsafe. I like that this has always been a respectful forum, and has never, even once felt like a "supermom" contest to me.
Thanks Sarah for your post, and reminding me why I'm here.
Posted by: fionnsnana | March 15, 2007 at 08:01 PM
I am convinced that judgment is not bad. Developing good judgment is something my father is still teaching me, and something I hope to teach my daughter. It is a big part of the work of becoming an independent human being. (I guess developing humility, charity and tact to go with it are what make you a good human being). But I'm not sure I want any relationship that doesn't involve some judgment. We want people to praise us. But it can be a pretty big gift when people see us clearly - even the flaws - and are willing to tell us what we can't see.
Sarah, the woman who e-mailed you doesn't sound like she had any judgment at all. She was just mean.
Posted by: cat | March 15, 2007 at 10:51 PM
I am so sorry this happened. I echo what everyone has said here, and just wanted to pat your shoulder, virtually, at least. You have so much to be proud of!
Posted by: Asha | March 15, 2007 at 11:27 PM
Hi Sarah,
I have actually considered emailing you as a regular reader of your blog(s) but for the opposite reason. I applaud your honesty and truthfulness. You remind me a bit of Anne Lamott who is definitely one of my favorite people in the world. I love people who put it all out there, the good and the bad and who aren't afraid to tell it like it really is because that's life. None of us is perfect, and I think that being able to show others our imperfections and laugh about them is one of the most beautiful things. Thank you for sharing with us. You make me happy every time I see a new blog entry.
Love,
Brooke
P.S. I just checked out the Arleta Library Cafe because it was mentioned on your site. Yum!
Posted by: Brooke | March 16, 2007 at 07:34 AM
I am horrified that someone would say things like that to anyone, much less to someone whose life they know not at all.
There is a world of difference between expressing negativity (constructively) and being mean.
Posted by: nonlineargirl | March 16, 2007 at 02:21 PM
You make such a good point about how we self talk during our "dark times." It doesn't take much for some insensitive person to reinforce what we try not to believe is true about ourselves, that we are not perfect, and if we were, we would probably not be anyone that anyone would want to spend any time with. I am wondering if parents have stopped teaching their children the timeless lesson, "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." By that I don't mean that we don't need to hear constructive thoughts from others, but only when presented in a way that makes us want to hear it. My brother taught me the "compliment sandwich"- start by saying something nice-"I can really see an improvement in the way you...."-followed by something constructive-"It might be more helpful to you if you were able to...."- and then finish off with another positive-"I can tell that your hard work is really paying off." Or something like that. The person hardly knows they were criticized and are more likely to take suggestions when they feel respected. It can work in almost any situation, even with mean or stubborn people.
Anotehr suggestion that works well for me...if someone is angry, mean or downright manipulative or passive agressive to you, instead of feeling hurt, just picture them in full clown make-up. They look really silly in your head, and you may even crack a smile...nothing deflates a bully more than a silly smile!
Posted by: Debby | March 16, 2007 at 02:46 PM
Amen! Thank you for your honesty and approach. Being a mother is the hardest job I've ever had the honor of living up to. I love this message.
Posted by: Noellebert | March 16, 2007 at 06:47 PM
I've never felt compelled to comment, but read urbanMamas often. It struck me that after an especially diffucult morning (dropping off my son Rowan at preschool for the first time) I instinctively came here to feel comforted by the reality that there are other mamas out there who struggle with being the "perfect" mother. Your story really speaks to how harshly I judge myself. I would never be as judgemental of another mother as I am of myself. So the moral of this story for me is to not be so hard on myself - I'm learning as I go. Thanks urbanMamas for being here.
Posted by: Catherine | March 20, 2007 at 10:13 AM