Mama Daycare Virgin
Many of us have had to find care for our little ones outside the home. We felt lucky that both our girls had care in our home until at least 12 months of age. We felt that was a luxury. But, on their respective first days at their new outside-the-home daycares, no matter how comfortable I was with care providers and the environment, I was wrought with worry and fear. Can you relate? Amy is preparing herself for her daughter's first day:
Next Monday, my 5-month-old daughter is starting daycare one day a week. I found a lovely in-home provider, and feel very comfortable with her in general, but I am having a lot of anxiety about "just dropping off" my baby with someone else! Part of that is the mama bear thing, I know, and part of it is directly related to the fact that my daughter is struggling immensely with naps right now. I don't know what kind of direction I should give the care person, especially since my daughter's schedule has largely fallen apart lately. So my questions are: How can I work through my inner anxiety in general? And does anyone have tips for how to work with a provider during these tough sleep (or other developmental) phases, so things don't get worse (and might even get better)?
Oh, I feel your pain. I have a wonderful day care provider and part of what has made it easier is that she once had to leave her little ones in day care herself. She is really wonderful about me dropping in to visit and allows me to express the sadness I feel about not being with my baby. Much to her credit, she doesn't see that as, in any way, related to how I feel about her. She seems to know that I think she's awesome and would prefer to leave my baby with no one else in the world.
So, I guess talking about it has helped me.
Posted by: kirsten | February 01, 2007 at 09:35 AM
When Tory first started day care at 3 1/2 months, she would not drink from a bottle, and I was horrified. The day care lady (DCL) was actually squirting expressed milk in her mouth for the first few weeks. I was just so relieved that she was willing to work with me. My anxiety over starting day care due to this was huge, but what I learned really quickly, is if you are going to leave your child with an experienced day care provider, they have seen every scenario, and can work with it. THe child will quickly tune in to the routines and rhythms of the home and miraculously start to nap when the other kids nap. And eat when the other kids eat.
The thing I like better about my current DCL is that she doesn't rush me in or out. I try to stay a few minutes to take off Tory's jacket, get her playing, and then we have a goodbye routine. She comes to the window and waves bye bye to me as I drive off. When she was a small baby, the DCL would bring her to the window and manually wave her hand to me, and eventually, Tory did it herself. If she forgot to bring her to the window one day, or I forgot to look to see her waving, it was so disappointing!
Another thing to be aware of: your baby will save all of her crying and fussing for you. She will fuss when you drop her off, and fuss when you pick her up, but she will be fine all day in day care. It's just the way it is.
Good luck. This is never easy. At the beginning, you will most likely cry more than she does, but it does get easier over time.
Posted by: debby | February 01, 2007 at 10:09 AM
Specifically re. the sleeping stuff. When our now 2.5 year old started, at 6 months of age, 2 days a week at a home daycare, we were in a period in which getting her down for a nap involved this crazy song and dance routine. And involved as well utter quiet, darkness, lots of rocking, you name it. All conditions had to be perfect! Or so I thought. I wondered how on earth Nancy would EVER be able to replicate those conditions with other children to manage. And it turned out: she didn't! And my baby still took naps. So for us, it turned out that Nancy had the experience and know-how to get our daughter down in a way that worked for her--and her sleep routine ended up getting even better at home. I guess my point is that yes, a good daycare provider will hear what you have to say about what works and what doesn't for your child; but at the same time, she will have her own things that "work," and for me at least, learning from my daycare provider, and handing over some of that responsibility was a huge relief! [Even though yes, I definitely cried and felt like a terrible mother for leaving my child from time to time!]
Posted by: mollyh | February 01, 2007 at 01:23 PM
I highly recommend doing a drop off trial run (if the DCP will allow this). Take the opportunity to run errands, have lunch with a friend, or go shopping, anything you would like to do with some precious "me time." And maybe you're only gone for an hour, even that will help you experience what a drop off will be like and help reduce some anxiety.
About naps - both my children napped A LOT in the swing before they started daycare. I stressed a bit about how the DCP would get my first born down in a crib. But you know what? They have powers I do not have! They were able to get both my kids down pretty easily - something I never could replicate quite as well.
Try, try, try to not stress about how the caregiver will get your child to sleep, eat, etc. They are experienced and they will find a way that works for them. Children are remarkably adaptable. I would concentrate more on what you can do to help ease the transition for yourself, like doing a trial run, writing down your morning/evening routine, etc.
Best wishes!
Posted by: Meena | February 01, 2007 at 02:43 PM
Missing her was (still is) the hardest part for me, but I also experienced irrational fears along the lines of "my daughter will become more attached to the babysitter than to me." Which turned out to be utter horse poop, of course, but is a completely natural feeling to have.
All I can add to the sage advice given above is to keep the flow of communication constant between you and the care provider, and to keep an open mind. I feel like I've actually learned a few things from my babysitter. You still know best when it comes to your daughter - it's just that there may be a few tricks that haven't occurred to you yet!
Again, it does get easier. Best to you. Everyone who posts here has been thru it & we can all empathize... She'll be fine and so will you.
Posted by: theboss | February 01, 2007 at 03:05 PM
We didnt start Anders with a nanny until he was much older, but I definitely obsessed for weeks about how it would all play out, and whether or not she would be able to get him to sleep with any regularity, especially because we share this nanny with 2 other families so she has other kids to juggle.
As it turns out, my "high maintenance" sleeper has become the least of her worries as far as naps are concerned. She was very interested in knowing his routine and getting direction from us, and she started with that but they have worked out their own rhythm and it works!
Be patient and have a little faith, you will probably find that your baby in many ways does better at daycare than at home! If they are true professionals they will welcome you anytime and understand your situation.
Posted by: NoPo Mama | February 01, 2007 at 03:39 PM
I'll second the comments of Meena above - a trial run is a great idea. If you are starting day care to go back to work, don't have the first day of care be your first day back. My son went into day care at 6 weeks so I could return to work, and luckily I had a couple days to ease us both into it, because I was a MESS the first day when I dropped him off. By the day I had to go into the office, I was a little more ready for it (at least, no tears!).
Posted by: Karen | February 01, 2007 at 07:29 PM
My daughter started daycare at 6 months and those first couple of weeks were some of the worst of my life. No way around it, it's just miserable. But it does get MUCH better! Now Sophie loves her friends and teachers and the great fun activities they do. I often have to drag her out of there kicking and screaming.
My daughter was incredibly, over-the-top attached to me when she started daycare (and still is to a lesser extent) so that really added to my stress; and our transition was difficult. She wouldn't eat or sleep at the daycare for the first week or so. But then the primary DCP spent a day or two with her one-on-one all day (it was a place with 12 kids, 3-4 DCPs) while the other adults took care of the rest of the kids, and that did the trick.
As others have mentioned, it was the DCP who got my daughter to nap regularly and on her own--I had always had to hold her during a nap or at least until she went to sleep. I think daycare has really helped us in terms of sleep schedule! Hang in there, expect that the transition will be miserable but also know that in a few weeks you'll probably all be happy and settled in!
Posted by: Emily | February 01, 2007 at 07:54 PM
I'll echo a few mamas and say you might be surprised... the new day care situation could result in a more regular nap schedule!
Posted by: Anonymous | February 01, 2007 at 09:21 PM
Amy,
First of all, yes, it can be tough to send your child to a DCP, especially during those first few weeks...definitely take in all of the solid advice offered above. Having a child in daycare, however, away from mommy & daddy for a while, isn't all bad. Your child may learn to be more flexible, adaptable, pick up new skills, become more comfortable in social situations and be exposed to a variety of positive things you never imagined--you never know! :) For our family, FT at first and now with the second, PT daycare has been a wonderful experience. Our kids (ages 1 & 3) both love it! We have found a that a "home" situation works best for all of us, one in which they can eat healthy homecooked food, take long relaxing naps, and interact with other kiddos in the comfort of a loving home. Our DCP truly loves the kids, she is amazing! She gave each and every one of them Christmas gifts--chosen especially for their interests/developmental stages. I am not the "mommy is the only one who knows best" type and felt that it would be good for our kids to get used to different situations, environments, etc.--that said, it still wasn't easy those first few days, I will admit. BUT, kids adapt, learn and can begin to love their familiar surroundings and caregivers, if they're positive, nuturing and supportive. Our own kids LOVE the days they see Tina, our DCP, and seem to be happy and fulfilled--and my husband and I both feel they are learning a lot about social interactions, communication, flexiblity, etc, that they might not otherwise learn in the same way with us. Warm thoughts to you!
Posted by: k | February 02, 2007 at 12:32 AM
There are some really great suggestions for Amy as her daughter starts daycare on Monday (!), and I really do empathize. One thing that really helped ease my anxiety (and continues to) is to really feel free to call or visit your daycare provider midday when you can. I really try not to be an overbearing or hawking sort of parent, and I really just love to see my daughters in their own element. When I visit, I always see them independent and joyful, comfortable in their own space. I also like to connect with our care providers, get greater comfort with them, get to know them better. Even just a phone call to get one little piece of information of my daughter's day can make me smile and set me at ease. Or even just dropping by during naptime and peaking at my little girl in nap-la-la-land can make the afternoon that much more bearable.
Good luck on Monday. There could be some transition time for you and baby, but it's usually temporary. Best of luck!
Posted by: olivia | February 02, 2007 at 08:16 AM
I would say make sure the people caring for your baby understand that not all babies have exact sleep patterns and routines at this young age. (God Bless those who do!) Some caretakers will try to "force" a routine because thats what would concern me the most. And dont worry, your baby will naturally come in to a routine of sleep. My baby girl is 7 months and hardly ever took any naps much longer than hour here and there. And I am already seeing some patterns of her sleep during the day that we are going with and its getting better. But some babies are good sleepers, some are good eaters, etc etc.... so dont let anyone tell you there is anything wrong with your baby.
Posted by: Kim | February 02, 2007 at 08:17 AM
it's hard to read about mamas giving up their role to dcl.
i have a hard time imagining that every sacrifice has been made and dcl is the only option. work from home? hear about it all the time on Dr laura. good luck, i'm thanking god every day i get to be my kid's mom. hoping maybe you CAN find a way to be your kid's mom.
annon
Posted by: annon | February 04, 2007 at 08:56 PM
Dear Annon: There are all kinds of reasons why moms work. Many women *must* work - and I don't mean in the "to fill the gas tank of the Hummer" sense, I mean to put bread on the table. Many women are the breadwinners in their families. And there are moms for whom working from home is NOT an option (if you think about it, there are jobs that *must* be performed at a specific location; and there are moms who simply cannot retrain to do work from home). And then there are moms who work because it is fulfilling for them to do so (a choice no one ever criticizes dads for making, I've noticed, Annon).
That some mothers must or choose to work outside the home for pay doesn't make them less of a mother to their child. In fact, it may make mom interesting for the child in a different way. It certainly doesn't make dads less so for working outside the home, does it? And can we take a minute to sing the praises of the stay-at-home dads, whose numbers are on the increase, and not a minute too soon, I say!
Annon, it takes all kinds to make a world. I'm sorry you think that moms who work outside the home are not "moms to their kids." I wonder what you think of the female doctor who tends to your illness (or your child's), the female bank teller who tends to your finances, or the female teacher who teaches your kid. Chances are, all those women have kids, and chances are, someone else lends a hand in caring for the children some of the time. The world would be a truly weird place if the only adults who worked outside the home were the childless women and the men.
Cheers!
Posted by: theboss | February 04, 2007 at 09:34 PM
Annon,
What a terrible, terrible post. I have a hard time imagining that you, a mama, would suggest that Amy (or anyone else) is NOT being a mother to her child because she's putting her in childcare? This is so offensive and I feel sad that you are so out of touch that your only frame of reference for motherhood is Dr. Laura. Women have earned the right to parent and work in many different ways and forms. Your criticism of mamas who put their children into care suggests a self-righteousness and intolerance that I find pernicious and debilitating. How about turning off Dr.Laura and getting out there and meeting other mamas?
Signed,
Anon.
Posted by: anon | February 04, 2007 at 09:35 PM
Thanks for all the great support and advice! And thanks *so much* to those who jumped to my defense here. I'll even send my thanks to the anonymous contributor, whose comment made me reflect on how absolutely certain I am that I'm making the best possible choices and sacrifices for my entire family. Every family has its own set of circumstances that determine how they ensure their child is loved, nurtured, and guided into the world. I could react by saying "But my daughter is only going to daycare one day a week!" - or, "But I am the primary caregiver for my mother, too! I can't leave my job!" - or "But I've already maxed out my employer's willingness to create a flexible work schedule!" - or, "It's taken years of focus and sacrifice to get to the point in my career where I can ensure my child is provided for!" - or, "I love my job and the way it makes me a balanced, centered person, and I hope that only makes me a better mother!" But any of those reactions would suggest that I think there is something inherently wrong with seeking support in mothering my child - and I don't. I won't lie - reading "anonn's" comment pushed a very sensitive, vulnerable button for me, in my new motherhood. This incredible little person makes me question myself everyday. I am humbled and awestruck and honored by the gift of my daughter. My reaction to this comment - the rush of protective adrenaline and fierce love for my baby - only showed me that I am, without a doubt, her mother. I really believe the "Mommy Wars" are largely media-contrived, and I hope this doesn't become another venue for mothers to attack other mothers. Dr. Laura or Dr. Sears - we all love our babies.
Wish us luck at our first day at daycare tomorrow!
Posted by: Amy | February 04, 2007 at 10:18 PM
For the record, I do thank God every day that I get to be my kids' mom. As a newly single parent, I also thank God for my full-time job and fabulous day care providers.
Posted by: Tia | February 04, 2007 at 10:28 PM
Anonymous,
UrbanMamas is populated with a warm community of mamas and papas who foster and share intelligent, thoughtful, sensitive, honest and RESPECTFUL, non-judgemental discussions about issues that affect all of us as parents, regardless of gender, race, sexual preference, marital status, how we got pregnant, if we adopted, and certainly without regard for whether we work or stay home.
You are indeed fortunate to be able to stay home with your kids. You're also very quick to judge so many of those in the UrbanMama community who use daycare. It puzzles me that you can be so sure that these moms haven't made "every sacrifice" to try to be home with our kids more.
Perhaps you haven't walked in the shoes of the single moms who are the primary means of support for their children. Or you don't know any couples who just can't make it on a single income (you probably think they should give up the house in a safe neighborhood near a good school). Or maybe you believe giving up a top-quality health insurance plan is worth the trade-off. Have you considered the fact that the American federal government provides abysmal support to families (Family Leave Act -- whoopee!), forcing many of us to make these tough choices? I'm also guessing you don't know any moms who crave a sense of identity and independence away from their child. Are you sitting down? Not all of us want to stay home with our babies, no matter how sweet, adorable and miraculous we feel they are. Some of us don't want to trade the talents, interests and skills that we had pre-pregancy, for 24-hour motherhood. In fact, those of us who crave to express ourselves in our work actually end up feeling MORE inner balance, enabling us to approach our kids with a sense of renewed energy and focus.
I can only imagine that when you posted your comment tonight, it wasn't the first time you'd been on this blog. Perhaps you like the warm and witty stories about motherhood, ideas about where to take the kids, recommendations on doctors, advice on feeding finicky kids, and everything else that's so generously shared by the community.
It angers me that you've taken Amy's plea for understanding and advice -- at a critical, vulnerable moment in her early motherhood -- and been so sanctimoniuous, insensitive and, yes, cruel. And the irony is, my kid isn't in daycare, I'm just f$@ing mad on behalf of all my friends who do rely on it -- and their kids are sweet, funny, smart, healthy, well-loved and learning how to make friends, share and not hurt each other -- hey, maybe YOU should go to daycare!
Posted by: Suzame | February 04, 2007 at 10:29 PM
P.S. And yes, Amy, good luck tomorrow!!!
Posted by: Tia | February 04, 2007 at 10:32 PM
Wow. As the husband of Amy and father of the 5 month old in question I'm amazed at annon's comments and narrow definition of parenthood. Frankly I think the experience outside of our home that my daughter will receive is a good thing. Having come from a very sheltering family, I can attest to the challenges one faces when they're not exposed to the larger world in a careful way. Was it easy to drop her off this morning? No. But it also wasn't inconceivable to think of because I know she's in great hands and her time there is one component of the balanced, nurturing, safe, and stimulating situation we strive to create for her with all our decisions.
Posted by: Scott | February 05, 2007 at 12:05 PM
No one to usually post to these controversial topics, I simply can not sit back on this one.
Perhaps some think that it is wrong that I want to "have it all", but I am a woman who spent 12 years beyond high school to get educated and trained to be a physician. The last few years I have taken to working part time and building my family. Currently now blessed with two girls, a 20 month and 1 month old.
I personally feel that having a career for myself has made me a better mother. Delayed gratification has made me value my children tremendously. Furthermore, getting to go to work at least parttime, makes me value each and every moment I get to spend with my kids.
All that being said, I am so thankful for daycare. My 20 month old LOVES going to her daycare...it is pretty much a preschool like atmosphere with other children and activities. I am so happy to give her the opportunities she has there...likely better than I can give her at home (given all the side activities I find myself trying to do on my days off such as laundry, etc...)
I know that everyone has different opinions and everyone has the right to have those. What is most important is to find what works best for YOU and YOUR FAMILY. No one on the outside of those lines has any right to tell you what is best for you and yours....
Posted by: Rebecca | February 05, 2007 at 04:34 PM