Delayed Potty Training?
Can any of the urbanMamas lend any advice, suggestions, or empathy for what this mama is going through?
I'm wondering if anyone reading the urbanmamas blog has had any experiences with delayed potty training? My daughter is approaching 3.5 years old. We've been working on potty training for almost 2 years now, and I'm just exhausted. We've done all the usual: books, DVDs, peer pressure, reward charts, boot camp potty training weekends, etc etc. About a year ago, I switched her from Pull-Ups to either padded panties (at home) or plastic-backed training pants (at daycare), so she definitely knows when she's wet (and thank God for easy-to-mop wood laminate flooring). She just doesn't seem to care all that much. She's also expressed to me, when I ask her why she doesn't try to sit on the potty when she needs to pee, that, "Mom, I don't know when I gotta pee until I pee." I've heard that some children have a long delay in recognizing the internal "I've gotta pee" signals. Has anyone else had a child with a similar delay? If so, when did the signals start to be recognized? Oh,and I should mention that she's been pooping on the potty with 99% accuracy for the last year or so, so she's not afraid to use the potty, and it's entirely a pee-pee thing. I'm a bit frustrated at this point, as I'd really like to switch her from daycare into a preschool, but can't until the potty issues get resolved.
hey there! we had the same problem with our son. I started to keep track of when he was drinking fluids and then had him try to potty at about 20-30 minute after drinking. I would tell him to push with his tummy to see if anything would come out. If nothing came out then I would have him come back every 10 minutes until something happened. It helped me to learn his pattern and he started to understand what it felt like. I also told him he doesn't have to wait until he REALLY needs to go, that its ok to go when there is just a little bit. I got this method from my grandmother in Okinawa, she is very old school and never used diapers for her kids. Then we read a book about, "Raising a Diaper Free Baby" which said pretty much the same thing. It took us a few weeks to get it going well.
Our son is a heavy sleeper. So at night if he's had a drink before bed, we take him to the potty once so he stays accident free. He doesn't even wake up, we put him on the potty and tell him to go pee. The bad thing is since he's asleep, we have been hosed a few times. lol
The good thing is you got half of the potty training down. :) I hope that helps.
Posted by: Murphy | January 22, 2007 at 09:33 AM
Obvious question perhaps, but have you talked to your pediatrician? I wonder if there could be something going on physically so that she can't feel the sensation. Pediatric incontinence? Tough one, good luck!
Posted by: Amy | January 22, 2007 at 11:31 AM
in my experience, as frustrating as it may be, you just kind of have to wait until they're ready. it just clicks all of a sudden, usually. when i tried to "force" it on my timetable, i was always frustrated. she'll get it.
Posted by: cityslickermom | January 22, 2007 at 12:05 PM
I can't offer much in the way of advice, but I'm definitely here with empathy! It was about 3.5 when Everett finally started using the potty efficiently, after a year of gritted-teeth struggles. I think it may have been affected by his general stubbornness and the introduction of a new baby brother at about 2 3/4 years. I really believe what they say about changes affecting kids' ability to potty train.
For Everett, even the stand-and-deliver stuff wouldn't work -- even now, if he doesn't want to go to the potty, he wails and stomps and protests wildly if we try to put him in front of the toilet if it's not HIS idea. It's made for lots of wet beds, but at 4.5, he seems to have worked through it on his own.
Posted by: sarah gilbert | January 22, 2007 at 12:48 PM
My son wasn't potty trained until 3.5 and up until a few weeks ago (he'll be 4 in a couple of weeks)he still had regular accidents and didn't even seem to care all that much. My feeling is that it's a good idea to check with a pediatrician to see if everything's OK (and to ease your mind) and then just wait until they are ready. All of my bribes ended up doing nothing until he was ready anyway. Hang in there! Pretty soon diapers and accidents will seem like ancient history.
Posted by: Erin | January 22, 2007 at 02:47 PM
My son was trained at 3.5 for preschool, but resisted at home for a few more months.
We used a variety of methods of persuasion, but what really worked was that I told him that this pack of pull-ups was the last, and when all of them were gone, he would have to use the potty all the time. He talked about it as the Costco-sized box became closer and closer to empty. When they were all gone, he 'magically' began to use the toilet all the time.
My older son was potty-trained before he was 2, and it was easy. It just depends on the child. Still, I agree that consulting with your pediatrician is a good idea just to be sure.
Best of Luck.
Posted by: lauralye | January 22, 2007 at 04:33 PM
My daughter trained at a few months after 3. I had the feeling she could have done it earlier if she wanted to; she knew when poop was coming, she'd run in her room and keep me out until she was done. I had been urging her to use the potty, and she just wasn't responding. My pediatrician said just lay off asking her. And then about 2 weeks later she just started doing it, and rarely has an accident. In fact her only accidents are when she wears undies, which I attribute to her maybe thinking she has something diaper-like on? So we just don't wear undies. And we still sleep with a diaper. So I'm not sure when we'll start wearing undies and how the nighttime thing develops...any insight is appreciated...but just completely not asking her anything about it worked for us. Your little one who is pooping really well and not peeing...don't know about that situation exactly. Hang in there, I know it can be frustrating.
Posted by: mo | January 22, 2007 at 04:45 PM
I would check with her Pediatrician. The fact that she says she cannot "feel" when she needs to go made me think of kids with tethered cords. Being able to poo on her own doesn't necessarily fall in line with that theory, but you never know. Was she slightly late with crawling/walking/pulling to stand? Does she have a large dimple very low on her back or between her cheeks (the posterior ones...lol)? Does she like to walk tippy toed? Those are all classic signs. It is generally a missed diagnosis until the child has major difficulties with potty training. By the way, "tethered cord" sounds much worse than it actually is so don't be alarmed if your daughter fits the description I gave.
Good luck!
D'Ann
Posted by: D'Ann | January 22, 2007 at 07:42 PM
Our preschool doesn't require kids to be fully potty trained: www.openmindspreschool.com
Posted by: Jenny | January 23, 2007 at 12:02 AM
I haven't quite hit that stage with my little boy yet but his grandmother had all kinds of trouble with my husband. The pediatrician had him practice stopping his pee mid stream to increase the muscle awareness in that area. It would be a little game they would play every time they managed to make it to the toilet. Hang in there - I feel for you!
Posted by: Rosa | January 23, 2007 at 09:29 AM
My daughter also expressed the same problem - of not knowing when to pee. She started to use the potty just before we moved to Portland when she was 3 1/2, but then completely backslid. We decided to give up and wait, and once she hit 4, suddenly one day as summer approached, she announced to me that the rollercoaster in Oaks Park was only for kids who were pottytrained. I agreed with her, and she said that she was going to start using the potty so she could go on the rollercoaster. It must have been a matter of her finally being ready, because it worked! And we were at Oaks Park a lot last summer...
Posted by: Catherine | January 23, 2007 at 03:07 PM
My daughter was a few weeks shy of 4 when she finally got it....we had craniosacral treatement and literally from that moment on she rarely had accidents. I highly reccomend it as it is so gently and easy for a kid to have done compared to many other routes.
We use Carol Gray, but there are many other excellent practioners around Portland.
hope it helps!
Posted by: Deb | January 24, 2007 at 07:19 PM
We just let our little guy run around with a bare butt one week. It was during the summer so it was pretty easy. When we had to leave the house we put him in regular underware and brought supplies in case of an accident. I think packing up his old diapers for a younger friend and getting to pick out some spiderman underware helped too.
Don't stress too much, they seem to figure it out before they graduate from highschool
Posted by: Jen | January 24, 2007 at 10:59 PM
I can empathize, too. My daughter is 3.5 and has had a few isolated incidents of using the toilet, but most of the time she REALLY doesn't even want to sit on it. She refuses to tell us when she's got a dirty diaper (but fortunately, with a 3.5 year old's bowel movements, there are other ways to know!). We tried bribing her with a trip to her favorite restaurant when she made a b.m. on the potty. When she eeked out a little pebble, we kept our promise. Haven't seen anything since. Now, we've got the chart on the fridge, which is totally empty. Luckily, she's in a pre-school where they are very cool about it, but it's getting expensive! And smelly! She's big for her age, so sometimes I'm almost a little embarrassed for her (yes, I swear, for her!).
Because she's pretty articulate with everything else, but doens't express awareness of when she's about to urinate or defacate, I was worried that maybe something was wrong, that she isn't able to tell when she has to go. I was also concerned because her stools are always pretty soft, even compared to her 9 month old sister. Wondering if any of this was cause for further exploration, I called her pediatrician. They told me she's too young for a work-up, that she's well in the range of "normal," and that it will happen when it happens. And so we wait.
(Sorry for all the poop detail, but it seems germaine in a frank discussion of potty training, toilet learning, or whatever you want to call the cessation of diaper use in the young child.)
Sometimes, I worry that I've communicated my subconscious clean freak streak to her too much when she's had accidents and that it's made her hung up about the whole thing.
One other rumor I heard -- that for some reason, kids take to learning to use the toilet better before two and 1/2. After that, it's harder for them/us. Of course, I heard this piece of wisdom right around the time my girl turned three!
Posted by: Amy | January 24, 2007 at 11:09 PM
My son was not potty trained when he went into preschool at 3 years and wore pull ups. After a few weeks at school being with other kids who were potty trained, he took their lead... and was, at times shyly, going on his own. We were out of the pull ups for good by Christmas.
There were a few accidents but I really think the peer preasure works in a round about way. Not by us telling him " so and so is potty trained", ( we did ) but by him acually seeing his buddy's going by themselfs. Oh the fun! I'm just starting my little girl now, one M&M for her three for me...
Posted by: Jen | January 25, 2007 at 02:51 PM
Our son, bless his heart, didn't fully potty-train until 2 weeks after his 5th birthday. Now, before you are totally freaked, he has ADHD and we simply had to wait until the brain caught up with the body. His doctor was all set to see about the tethered cords, too, but many of those signs (except the dimple) are also present in low-tone children.
I would say talk to her doctor, if it scares you too much to think of a procedure then just give her time.
Posted by: Amy | January 28, 2007 at 09:02 PM
A dimple between the posterior "cheeks" can also just be a superficial sacral dimple...which is just the way the embryo unfolded and has nothing to do with anything behavioral, just a quirk of nature. Just in case someone went looking and found one and is now worried. : )
Posted by: Jenifer | January 29, 2007 at 11:34 AM
This is a question for Jen whose son didn't potty train until after age 5. My son Nevada is going to be 5 in April. He has no signs of knowing when he needs to pee at all, he does know when he needs to poop because he will go in a room by himself. He has mild cerebral palsy. He is in preschool 1/2 a day now and they are okay with him not being trained especially due to developmental delays. I guess my question is, did your child just all of a sudden "get" it, or had he been going and it was just a hit or miss kind of thing most of the time? I am at my wits ends with pullups and diapers as my 2 1/2 year old is just now starting to train and is still in them also. Do you have any tips on trying to make him aware when he needs to pee? I think this summer when it is warmer I am just going to let them both go without anything on and see how that works. I will just have to keep them in the part of the house with no carpet! Any suggestions is appreciated.
Posted by: Shelley | January 30, 2007 at 01:17 PM
Correction to my post, The person was Amy, not Jen that their 5 year old potty trained 2 weeks after turning 5. Sorry for the confusion. I thought that the persons name was above their post but it is below it.
Posted by: Shelley | January 30, 2007 at 01:20 PM
I am having the same problem with my daughter who is 3.5. She will be going to headstart next month, and I don't know what to do! Any more suggestions, because I have tried most of the things that are listed!
Posted by: Julia Walker | July 16, 2007 at 07:24 PM
My little girl is 28 months (2 yr.s 4 mths) and I'm tryin to potty train her. Im not sure if she knows when she has to go or not but i do know that she isn't afraid. I belive she thinks that it's a game because if i ask her if she has to "go", she'll say yes but wont do anything. Then when she's "done" (after not doing anything)she'll smile and flush the toilet. She once told me she had to poop and when i put her on the toilet she did. But that was only once, and she has never peed in it. I have her on and off diapers (and panties) depending on whether we'll be staying at home or going out and when she does pee in her diaper she'll let me know. Any advice?? I'll need to put her in daycare soon and she needs to be potty trained.
Posted by: Nina | July 26, 2007 at 04:56 PM
My son is now 4 but he was just potty-trained two months before his 4th birthday. We would take his diaper off after daycare and he would just pee anyway. We tried to stay casual about it and the so-called peer pressure from school was not effective. I think what finally worked were books read to him about potty training but were focused on animals or other characters that did not involve a little boy specifically. Kind or round about but it worked! Maybe waiting so long wasn't bad anyway because he has never wet the bed, thank god, since he sleeps w/us in the middle of the night.
Posted by: RM | July 27, 2007 at 10:49 AM
My son is 3 1/2 and has zero interest in potty training. He's gone on the potty a few times, both pee and poop, but when left to himself, he'd rather go in his pull up. He's perfectly fine walking around in a very full pull up and hates to be changed. When he has to poop, he climbs under the dining room table and tells us not to say anything. Clearly he's self conscious about it. He told me the other day that he doesn't want to wear underwear because he's afraid he'll have an accident. It doesn't seem to help that I tell him everyone has accidents when they're learning. Most of his friends are potty trained, but his best friend at preschool is not, so the peer pressure thing isn't working either. I'm trying to be patient but it's really getting frustrating.
Posted by: LED | January 18, 2011 at 02:27 PM
I am so glad I found these posts. My daughter is 3yrs 4months and does not seem at all interested in potty training. She loves to sit on the potty and read and play with toys. Sometimes she pees or poops in it, but she never tells us she has to go. I was beginning to feel like a total failure in this area. I feel reassured now that we will indeed get through this! Yes, she was born 13 weeks early and has been delayed in most milestones like crawling, walking, talking. I think I tried to train her too soon and frustrated myself. So we've been stuck in pull-up hell for a while. Now I'm ready to try again with training pants.
Posted by: Karen | April 25, 2011 at 11:35 AM