Balancing Act
A friend and I were talking yesterday about balance. The conversation was started because a friend of hers recieved a grant for her work as an MD. In accepting the grant, this busy mama of 3 is to do research or writing on how to balance work, marriage, kids, etc. So, what is balance? Does someone appear to be balanced because they manage to keep everything together? Or, is it because they are able to do things for themselves. I guess for me, life would be balanced if my family and I were able to do things together as a family, keep the house in presentable shape, manage to get the trash out on Mondays, and Jason and I would each be able to do things for ourselves. Some running, biking, a haircut more than 2x/year, etc. you get the picture. Additionally, we need to do things together without the little man who constantly craves mama and papa time.
Right now, life seems pretty unbalanced; I'm in school, working nights and being a mama. Jason is working full time, studying for the Bar and being a papa. We tend to play tag team on the weekends so that we both have the study and/or sleep time we need. We have yet to find a regular babysitter (who has time to look for one) and barely have time to look into any of the work that we would like to have done in the house. I can barely keep up with the wash and am forever putting away folded clothes. It all seems a bit crazed; but, who doesn't have a crazy schedule these days?
What about the rest of you busy mamas? Do you feel like life is balanced? How do you define balance? How do you achieve balance? I'd love to hear how other people are doing.
Balance? What's that? :) When I quit my 50-60 hour/week job about six months ago to start my own businesses, I knew I would be working the same amount of hours (with only about 12 hours of childcare a week now - def. NOT enough!), but that the hours would be more flexible and that I would be doing things that ultimately made me happier and more fulfilled, thus benefiting my son and husband more. While it's logistically and physically more challenging now, I think my life is more "balanced" in that I do get to do the things that make me and my family happier.
Today's mainstream idea of balance still appears to be that mythical creature called Super Mom. That's not balance to me - that's unrealistic. No one I know can be one top of their game at home, work and play all the time. It's a scale that tips one way more than the other, and then it goes back; it's never even.
For me, I just weed out what's not super important in my family's life and focus on what WE think is important. Food in our fridge? Important. Weed-free lawn? Not important. Playdates for my son with his pals? Very important (for me too!). Doing my hair in the mornings? Not important. I guess "balance" to me is just making sure my family is happy and healthy and together. I think having a hectic schedule doesn't mean one is unbalanced; as long as you are doing things that make you happy and you aren't wasting time on unnecessary things you think you "have" to do, then I think you have achieved balance. It's about learning to say "no" to someone else's ideals, and saying "yes" to more of your own. You sound pretty balanced to me, Erica, even with your crazy schedule! I hope you get some sleep this weekend :).
Posted by: Marlynn | December 06, 2005 at 10:39 PM
Do you think we can be crazed and still balanced? I am impressed with so many mamas I meet out there - their lives are full of activity and extremely busy, but I still find their lives to be balanced. Perhaps we feel unbalanced because the balance is so delicate and can be easily tipped.
There are tons of things to keep in balance, too. Me time, couple time, time with each child with each parent. It is easy to overlook all the components of balance when life is so busy. Sometime I feel like I need a checklst to keep track: Spend time one-on-one with spouse at least once a month? Check. Spend good alone time tending solely to oneself at least once a month? Check. Spend good time with kids each day? Check. Do enough laundry to have at least one pair of clean underwear per family member? Check. Have enough food for tomorrow's breakfast and lunch? Check.
... I think I also need to incorporate w[h]ine nights into my regular balanced diet ...
Another tricky thing is to compare my priorities and notions of balance with my partner's. Not always do we agree on the priorities. His checklist is something more like: Make sure bills are paid and that auto payments don't exceed checking account balance? Check. Make sure car and bike tires are inflated? Check. Make sure girls have enough clean clothes for the next morning? Check.
So, there also needs to be balance among the balances. Tricky. Somehow, we succeed, and we wake to live another well-balanced day.
Posted by: olivia | December 07, 2005 at 08:53 PM
I wonder if sometimes the only way my family can "balance" is if we look at the 4 year picture.
My husband was a househusband for two years, and in that time I got to work on my ESL career. With the second baby, I became the housemom and he is working fulltime.
If you look at the overall picture, it works.
Also, I am finding, while I was decidedly 'unbalanced' when my daughters were very small, now that one can go to preschool and the other one can feed herself, I find that I have more time during the day to do things for myself.
One unexpected plus about my husband being Japanese (and not christian) is that when he stays behind every sunday with the little baby, my older daughter and I get some good one-on-one time at church.
I think the trick for our family is to not commit to doing things on saturday and sunday (other than church) on a regular basis. That way, no matter how crazy the weekdays, we can get some breathing time if we need it on the weekends.
Posted by: kirsten | December 08, 2005 at 08:30 AM
We feel the crunch of not having family in town. I know in many ways, having family close by allows for more balance, but can also create stress. Starting next year, Joe and I are seriously going to schedule date nights once a month. The spousal relationship needs to be stable and going well in order for everything else to fall in place. We've had so many offers from friends to watch the sleeping kids while we go out for the night and rarely accept. Frankly, I think it's time to cash in our chips. I think we need to start accepting the generous offers and in that way, we are creating a much needed support network.
By the way, laundry is my biggest headache. I think I've worn the same pair of socks for the past three days. If it passes the sniff test, it's fair game!
Posted by: hau | December 08, 2005 at 10:54 PM